It Is Worth It To Forsake My Own Life For Lost Sheep

Testimony of God’s divine appointment.

God told me to go to Pasadena, then to take the bus home, this man stepped out at the same stop as me, he told me he just buried his mom last week. He was the man I was supposed to meet taking that bus.

Of course I didn’t want to wait at night in the cold for a bus, of course I was impatient with God and complaining to God. But the Lord showed me that love conquers the inconveniences. I had been deeply discouraged by the lack of funds lately, a cold came on, I mean I almost wanted to stop caring about people or to reach out to folks. I was mad at God for putting me through so much. I thought that I should stop ministering to people…but now I realize it was the devil trying to discourage me all along.

This man said that I was an angel and thanked me for deeply caring for him.

The Lord is showing me the importance of forgiving and releasing bitterness because life is so short.

Before that, God had told me to go to the mall and He very specifically told me to eat at a restaurant. Someone had just sown $40 in the morning so I can actually eat out.

I sat down to eat and this manager said “why are you eating alone?”

I felt offended. Later I confronted him and he said he was sorry, his grandpa just died and he just flew back from Korea. I said that whenever I eat alone, people make strange comments and I feel less than because of it. I’ve had waiters move me when groups of 2 or more arrive. I felt disrespected as a party of 1, like I was less than at some restaurants. He said that that was definitely wrong and he was only joking, as he often ate alone too.

Strangely, I had just watched a Korean reality show about a grandpa and his granddaughter (Na Rae Park on I Live Alone, she recently won the Grand Award in Korea). I told him he should be an actor and that he had nice skin. He gave me free plum juice.

Then I met another waitress who told me her twin sister was Christian but she wasn’t. We had fun watching my reality show appearance on Married by Mom and Dad.

When I went home, I noticed a man at the bus.

I told him he was a pastor and he was going to travel around preaching. He was surprised to hear that. I asked where he was from and he said Mexico.

I said “are you from Guadalajara?” 

He was stunned.

“How did you know?” 

“It literally just came to me, God told me. God can speak to you too”.

He couldn’t get past it, nor could I. This kind of accuracy, well, I don’t expect it all the time. God has upgraded my prophetic gifts a few times. 

I used to just pray for people, then God gave me visions, then He gave me words of knowledge. When I got visions for people, it was so accurate I was stunned.

I was in Bali, I met two Indians and I saw one climbing mountains- he was shocked “I live in a city full of mountains” and the other one I saw him dancing to music and he said he was a musician.

That was the first time I got accurate visions for people.

Since then, my gifts have increased….but not with severe obedience.

What I mean by severe obedience is that I PERSEVERE despite the trials- I have gotten sick 3 times in one season already. I had severe diarrhea the other night. I encounter spiritual warfare and feelings of discouragement. I get attacked by the spirit of lack and there has been times of severe lack of money to continue ministry (recently too).

I mean, I’ve been through it all.

Yet, when I met this man, I felt that it was all worth it. My lost sheep. These are people who maybe no one else would reach out to. They wouldn’t go to a church to say they’re sad. They wouldn’t reach out to a clique at church, no, they are often alone.

And these are the people I reach, for better or worse. They are worth it to God. The 1 out of the 100, the lost sheep who have been wounded and outcasted.

Writing this is making me cry.

You’re not alone. Whoever you are.

You may feel alone but you’re not. 

I understand your pain.

I love you deeply and sincerely.

There have been so many times I just complain to God. I ask Him why it’s so hard, why I keep following Him when people are persecuting me? 

Sometimes I tell Him I hate him, why did He put me through all this?

But then I meet a hurting man/woman and suddenly God breaks all my walls. 

Love conquers all.

It’s really hard work….I wasn’t called by a church, I was called by God and I listen to voice everyday. I don’t have an agenda to control anyone, to tell anyone how to be, I just listen to His voice. I answer to Him alone.

So the religious spirited people may question me, they may accuse me, beat me up….

But there is something more powerful – Love. I’m not patient all the time, God really tries me. I mean I don’t know how I persevere, but it’s His grace.

It will all makes sense, it is all worth it, don’t give up.

I love you very much.

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Purple Weed Cake

My craziest, well, I’ve HAD A LOT OF CRAZY travel experiences as a solo backpacker, but the weed cake in Amsterdam was PRETTY crazy.

I am not a drug user, I’ve never tried any hardcore drugs. I’ve only drank. And smoked weed (socially). But THE WEED CAKE from Amsterdam did me in. I only planned 2-3 nights there because the hostels were really expensive compared to the rates I was paying in other cities. After a 9 hour bus ride from London (in 2014), I got picked up from the bus station by a friend I met at King King (LA), which used to play really cool house music, but it is unfortunately now CLOSED. I used to go to King King with my older friends (well, not much older…haha, like 2-3 years older). My younger friends didn’t really understand what the heck it was about, you see it was about the MUSIC and the DANCING, not instagram.

Anyways, we had a meal, caught up and I went up.

It was the cheapest hostel in Amsterdam, which meant you literally lived across a 24 hour club banging loud music….I don’t know how I fell asleep at all. 

But you know being semi- adventurous, I met some random friend in the lounge the next day, which happens to be purple, and he was like “hey, I heard there’s this really good weed cake, want to split one?” We found the cafe, owned by Armenians, I think, and we bought the famous weed cake he was talking about.

Anyways, we split it. We actually split it.

The last time I ate weed was when my friend made a cookie, I only ate a bit of it and when I was trying to drift off to sleep, I felt like there was a bug crawling in my stomach. Talk about paranoid.

Anyways, nothing happened.

But then I got really hungry and went to the only place I could afford with my budget, Burger King. Stupidly, I got a freaken coffee! And a meal. I devoured the load.

The coffee came sweeping up on me like a explosion of heartbeats and stars. I remembered my friend Munir told me not to drink coffee.

I was NOT okay.

I had to lie down fast or I was going to faint or have an epileptic attack.

I walked to my hostel mixed dorm room and climbed up to my bunk bed. I don’t know how much time past, but I literally saw my hand shaking. I called my boyfriend at the time, who I met in London, I said “I’m going to die, I’m dying”. He said “you sound okay to me”.

No really I’m dying.

I don’t know how much time past, but I kept staring at the clock scared that I would miss my bus tomorrow. I climbed down once, threw up, stared at the mirror, my eyes bloodshot. Was I dreaming? I climbed up again, how did I manage not to fall. I was not used to be out of control. I was a control freak really, I mean how else could I backpack on my own and not get kidnapped?

I projectile vomited a few times, one time I couldn’t hold it in and sort of sprayed into some of those Australian mates’ massive pile of stinky clothes and bags, there was even a doll in there. Like what?

The worse was when the purple swirly Victorian style wallpaper turned into Buddha. My heart was racing and this nice Samaritan gave me a drink of her water. 

Later we would bump into each other in Berlin. 

It was in the afternoon. I found myself playing worship music and praying in tongues. I forgave all my enemies and asked God to forgive me for hating on people.

I got my heart right somehow, I don’t know why, but I felt that if I died in that Amsterdam bunk bed, next to filthy stinky shit that belonged to these filthy mates, I’d be okay. Apparently, I even talked to some people, but half way I’d stop.

“where are you from?” – said stranger.

“I’m from LA”- Said me.

“How long are you traveling for?”

me- “uhhhh”. Blank out, I’m dying, I think.

Ran to bathroom, throw up, stare at mirror, ran back to bunk bed, am I alive, am I in some sort of Tom Cruise movie? Everything was like seconds of a film, it was a movie.

This is what came of that day.

download

You can order your own print here: https://society6.com/product/amsterdam-wz8_print#s6-2691391p4a1v45

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The sketch, the cafe, and the hostel cat and I recovering.

I’ll always have stories to tell. Moral of the story, some good art might come from a horrific experience, and sometimes they wake us up to a spiritual reality.

What Would You Do If TODAY WAS YOUR LAST DAY LIVING?

Yesterday I had this huge huge awakening. Something in my mind clicked after watching my Korean drama. I was so wooed by the romance in the drama that I thought to myself, why am I wooed by a drama, and not by life? Why am I not living out how I want to live?

Then I started journaling. I wrote an entry on why I am awesome (you should do that as well, it made me cry).

An excerpt of what I wrote: “I am awesome because I am extremely intelligent. I am beautiful, smart and wise. I am hardworking, creative and unique. I have a mind of my own and a heart of gold because I care for the poor and the oppressed. I’m funny, joyful and optimistic. I don’t let hardships get to me, even when they come, I persevere”.

WHY ARE YOU AWESOME? Write it down and you’ll be surprised how happy you’ll be.

Then I wrote WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF TODAY WAS YOUR LAST DAY LIVING?:

1. Apologize to anyone I ever hurt

2. Forgive everyone who’s hurt me

3. Smile more, laugh more

4. Take things lightly

5. Talk to family, appreciate them

6. Appreciate my friends and bf

7. Go outside more, watch the sunrise, go to the beach, enjoy nature

8. Say what’s on my heart and be thankful because this day IS A GIFT.

Most of us live life like it’s going to last forever. In fact, I do believe our souls live for eternity. However, our lifetime on earth is short. Recently, I realized how much had taken life for granted. I was complaining, discontent, mad that I had to go through so much longsuffering to become a successful artist. I was mad that I had taken such a unconvenient path, not knowing exactly where my money was coming from, living an unstable life…comparing myself mostly, and not ACCEPTING MY GIFT AND DESTINY.

Then I went for a walk. I became thankful for nature, for the silverlake reservoir, for all my friends and family that have been through EVERYTHING with me. I had so many breakdowns, I can’t remember how many times my friends have comforted me. I remember how money showed up in weird places, how my boyfriend took care of me when I was sick, how my mom cooked for me when I was broke, and the list goes on.

I’m truly thankful and I want to live each day like it’s my last, without grudges, being thankful ALWAYS.

What would YOU DO if TODAY was your last day living? (comment below)

Would you dance like no one is watching? Karaoke at the top of your lungs cuz you don’t give a shi#!?

The Point of No Return

I come back from Australia, go to San Francisco, meet tons of cool people and visit cool places…then I start getting these itchy annoying spots on my ankle and a bit on my stomach. To add to the mess, my car almost got towed yesterday at Jack in the Box and we had to pay $100 for the mess. Even after much persuasion, the towing people looked at me with weary eyes, “no, no discount”.

After mailing shoes I sold on Ebay, I started wanting to cry again.

“What am I going to do with my life now that I’m back?”- It’s one of those familiar moments that I feel like every artist go through, or every post-grad.

I started to feel those negative thoughts flood back and all I could do was push them out. I really don’t want to settle again, I don’t want to settle for another 9 to 5 job that pays the bills but kills my soul. I’d rather be struggling, a starving artist, than someone who settles for a slow killing cancerous job that presses down on the soul and body, aiming to “conform all to the brain numbing institutions that kills personality and personhood” (I’m not saying every company does that….but a lot).

I’m going to trust God, keep strong, keep going, even if I have to go to bartending school to become a bartender to pay the bills, or to work at a coffee shop. At this point, I need to hustle for one week to pay rent.