Daddy and Mommy Issues

On October 29, 2016October 31, 2016 By Rebekka LienIn coach, dream, forgiveness, healing, love, spirituality

I was walking on the street, saw a young man with his parents. He looked like a douche bag, and I just thought “how do parents live with the fact that they produced a douche bag who is out there assaulting women and think it’s normal?”.

Anyway, sometimes I have the strangest thoughts. But really, I wonder about that.

Today I had a big realization that my healing is going deeper. I had this dream about a young man proposing to a woman and happily did they live after. So I was crying because I introduced them or I was producing the show. After I saw a young man waiting for his girlfriend, but he was drunk in the car.

Somehow this dream translated to my big revelation:

I was feeling like a loner because when I can’t figure out what God is saying I feel like he has forgotten me or is ignoring me. But why? Because 10 years of not talking to my dad felt like I was being ignored and forgotten. I didn’t have the security of knowing that my dad actually loved me at all, and sometimes I struggle with that when it comes to God’s love for me…And somehow after that I was always the one to initiate…and same goes with the first 26 years of my life, initiating, getting shit done, becoming a career women, taking care of the house, the family, being the one to take care of friends, neglecting self.

So if you think you’re the only one with issues think again.

This year I’ve been learning what being adopted by father God means. It means allowing God to pursue me. Having been the independent, strong woman, it was finally time to let go of control and be the recipient of love.

Which is why when I explain to my friends “I have no energy to date” it means “I have no energy to initiate” because all my life I have been aggressively going after I want….and now God is saying “will you stop and allow me to give you what you want?”…even when it comes to dating and a life partner. Whew.

Basically get the fuck out of your own way.

No wonder I’m tired.

So many years of trying to get the shit together when the shit can easily come together, round itself together if I’d just let God do the work.

Rounding back to douche bags….most people don’t acknowledge that they have these deep seated issues that is basically fucking up their relationships, friendships, life in general. How do you start? Ask God. I promise you…it’s worth it. Sometimes it might be painful to face the issues, but healing is worth it. And yah, probably a lot of your issues come from your relationship with your parents, but our view of ourselves shouldn’t be based on how they treated us…but the unconditional love that God has for you. You are worth it.

Book Review:

Finding Your Voice by Natalie Grant

5 out of 5. Natalie, a multi-Grammy nominate artist talks about living our your calling. I like how she incorporates examples of taking care of her voice or voice techniques to help us relate to how we can speak up for ourselves. She also talks about listening to your heart. A must-read 🙂 I liked reading her story because I can relate to losing everything to gaining it all back. This book was given to me for an honest review.

1oo Things Episode Live Monday 10/31

On October 27, 2016 By Rebekka LienIn dance, dream, travel

I’m excited TO announce my episode of 100 Things is live on Monday 10am/pst- Halloween!

This was a dream come true and to be honest, I don’t know anyone else who could have been given this opportunity.

Either I am a really tall person or someone is hiding under my dress. Take a guess where I am at. This is not a set my dear.

Check out my episode of @mademan’s 100 Things on @go90! #WhatsOnYourList on 10/31/2016 Halloween! 10am pst. It will be online at www.go90.com or the go90 app. I will post a few more photos later 🙂

Check out more episodes: http://www.mademan.com/100Things

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Perfectly Imperfect- Friend With The Homeless

On October 26, 2016October 26, 2016 By Rebekka LienIn dream, faith, God, spirituality

I’m not perfect. And I’m learning to love myself as I am.

Also I have a few quirks about me. I don’t like dirt, I hate seeing dirt under people’s nails, but sometimes I have a dirty mouth. I like to cuss. However, some conservatives don’t like that, they tell me to watch my language.

I realize that when people don’t like something that is “bad” sometimes it’s because they can’t accept that you are not perfect. The cussing represents a real part of me that might be ugly. And people don’t want to also see that they have some ugly parts of them.

Today after watching a movie, Keeping Up With The Jonesses (very good, highly recommend it even though online reviews have been negative…but trust me it’s funny), I walked to my bus stop. I was walking and suddenly saw a homeless guy with a 99 cents bag looking in each trash can for cans.

Maybe because of the sake I drank, I actually was not so afraid to pull out a 5 to give him. Sometimes I’m just not in the mood. I was genuinely shocked by how friendly he was. He said that a month ago Gloria, which means Glory to God, gave him a new pair of Nikes. Well, he told me all about his life story….from living in Alhambra to becoming a drug addict, to being sent off to Berkeley to live on the streets since the center that was helping him stave off drugs did not house people.

I didn’t say much. I felt that this time he just needed a listening ear. He walked me a few blocks and then we shook hands twice to say bye.

I got to tell you, there was dirt on his hands.

I did glance at it. But I got in there, hands in. I faced the dirt.

While we were walking people would glance at us.

And it’s true, the looks. Ugly ones.

I wonder how we bubble wrap our lives so we never have to see the dirt, other people, the homeless, the handicapped, the poor, the broken, the outcasted….but maybe by ignoring it, we could ignore our own dirt…..you know….maybe the ugly parts of our hearts that is addicted to approval, attention….the parts ourselves we whore out to have someone say “you are worth it” even though we flashed our tits to get it, or maybe dolled out our whole paycheck to please the woman in our life who didn’t really love us anyway, or the part of us that wants to control other people because it makes us feel like we are powerful, in control.

Or the part of us that posts a sexy selfie hoping that even the most creepy perverted guy would just LIKE it.

We can pretend like we are better than other people, because you know “I earned my living, I’m a responsible citizen, I do the right things”…but really we all have dirt.

But you know most of all, this man touched my heart by having such an open heart. He willingly opened up his heart and told me his story.

And then yes, I was thinking about washing my hands. But perhaps this little moment in my life touched me more than the ones I plan for myself. It’s those divine encounters that hook my heart to more divine love.

Photographs from the Edge

On October 25, 2016October 25, 2016 By Rebekka LienIn book

Photographs from the Edge is a master photographer’s insights on capturing an extraordinary world. I’ve been wanting to learn photography for a long time, but the Iphone has kind of taken over. After my phone got stolen in the Philippines, my renewed interest in photography took me to this book. The photos are just awe inspiring, capturing the beauty of what the earth is. Art Wolfe traverses the whole world, climbing mountains, going to parts of that no one knows about. The book is filled with stories and also technical ideas about how to capture the best picture. 5 out of 5 stars.

PS – the book was given to me to write an honest review.

Find me on instagram- Username: Rebekkalien

I would love to get to know you! Please comment on a picture and I’ll reply! Have a great day!

Celebrate Ordinary Moments

On October 25, 2016October 25, 2016 By Rebekka LienIn art, dream, food, lifecoach, lifehack, love, spirituality

Our lives are filled with ordinary and sometimes seemingly insignificant moments.

We wait, for the big woohoo moments. Like when we meet our prince charming, when we get the big break, when we finally pay off our debt, when we have great sex, when become the lead actress in a movie, when we get the pay raise we know we deserve, etc….but most of our lives are just ordinary moments, or so we think.

As I was sitting there eating french fries, I saw inked on the wall “no drinking on premises”, I found it charming. It was on the wall of a liquor store. I was eating quietly next to a retired old grandma who was wearing all orange, pants and shirt eating pastrami sandwich; a pumpkin on her shirt. I would say something like “did you know there is a great movie theater with deals on tuesday and sundays?” and we would converse. Then we would eat quietly again.

It’s ordinary, seemingly trivial moments like those that warm my heart. And of course being surrounded by the magnificent sky that remind me of how miraculous life is everyday.

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You see…I walk everywhere. Otherwise I take public transportation.

My life was not always like this.

I was the fast paced career women who was total TYPE A. I was high strung, overly passionate about things that no one seemed to care about. I learned to slow down when the stress started killing my heart and health, and just all of who I was. I had to slow down.

After a year without a sim card and a car, I have really learned to be in the moment, present.

I’ve made friends with dogs that are neglected by owners. There is this one dog that is tied to a pole fenced inside, everyday. He/she barks wildly at me when I walk in the alleys, I say hi to him/her through the little cracks of the white fence. I’ve decided his or her name is Danny.

I appreciate the sunset. I appreciate the skies that paint God’s love to me. Everyday I am in awe of the clouds, the sun that marks it’s joy in the blue skies.

Sometimes I see cars zoom wildly to their destinations. And I wonder, “what if they got there faster. Would it make a difference, would they feel more fulfilled, happier?” I see people showing off their new purchases and yet frustrated that they don’t have more.

It’s seemingly ordinary moments when we put down our own agendas and introduce ourselves to a stranger sitting next to us that we find the moments profound and beautiful. At first, I wanted to go straight home after buying my bottle of wine and fries, but something said “slow down”. There is beauty in slowing down.

When was the last time you truly slowed down and saw all the beauty around you?

There are people around you that want to be loved by you, and people that want to love you.

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I’m adding this book review:

Falling Free, Rescued from the Life I Always Wanted- Shannan Martin

The title really struck me, the truth is everything Shannan talked about reflected my own experience of falling free….free of what we think we want. Her narrative is important in our cookie cutter society or perhaps religious institutions that want us to fit into everyone else’s idea of what we should want. I found the book refreshing and read every word to the end. The only thing I did not like in the beginning was perhaps her language, it was a little hard to understand. I’m used to conversational language and it was a bit flowery for my own taste, but nonetheless it was an excellent book. I give it a 4 out of 5.

This book was given to me in exchange for an honest review.

On October 24, 2016October 24, 2016 By Rebekka LienIn Relationships

What better way to spend Sunday night than to talk about online dating (There is cussing in this post for those conservatives who sometimes read my blog and get offended).

So given that I have friends that are single and ready to mingle, they often tell me about their dating woes. Well, one has started online dating, well, stopped for the moment. So after watching some Hart of Dixie, and Wade is REALLY hot, I decided…you know what.. time to manifest some real romance. However, after downloading Tinder for the 100th time, because I get sick of it in 5 minutes after swiping left too many times, I had to delete it once more. I have more relationship drama with the app itself.

The truth is I am really loving my life right now, without a man. I really love it. I love watching movies even by myself. I like sitting in a theater with no one to bother me, I love going to get coffee and even eating by myself. I find dates filled with hassle. So I pretty much already have criterion, which starts with beliefs, and ends with honesty.

And I thought, maybe I shouldn’t write about this because I will sound like a whiny bitch or perhaps someone with high standards who like “can’t compromise” and I call bullshit on that because YOU SHOULD HAVE STANDARDS. WE LIVE IN FUCKING LA! For crying out loud. Especially in LA, a girl must have standards. I can’t even begin…

The problem with Tinder is that besides already knowing what they are like….because well, being the artist and philosophically inclined person that I am, you can tell a lot about a person based on just photos.

“dude he looks like a pedophile, why is he kissing this young girl that way…why is he even posting it? Is that his niece of his ex? I am so confused.”
“he looks like he plays video games all day. His face is oily”
“please noooo….another selfie of his abs…..abs without a face is not attractive to woman…it’s like seeing a picture of a mannequin at the mall, without clothes on”
I asked my guy friend this….and they think it’s okay and attracts women…well whatever type of women they are trying to attract, cuz I don’t find a photo of him (whoever the subject is) with other sexy women attractive….like it doesn’t make me think “oh wow, he seems popular with the ladies, well, now, I find him attractive too then”. I ain’t a dumb bitch and I’m not about to claw another woman for a guy like that.
“where the fuck is his face? In every photo he is looking away….and as my friend said, they have a wife, they don’t want their identity on there..like cuz his wife’s friend might find him cheating….he dead”.

I got super liked a few times, I’m not going to boast. Oh wait I am boasting. But well, I didn’t find them attractive or likable….yes, even through a photo. So I deleted Tinder. Again.

But you know what, I am where I imagined myself to be. I never ever thought I’d be one of those woman to get married early. That wasn’t really in my dream list. I’ve traveled, I’ve done a lot of things and yes, that was how I imagined my early twenties. I’m not perfect and that’s why I want to continue learning how to love my imperfections.

PS- if you are wondering what to look for in a long term dude- https://rebekkalien.com/2015/04/27/why-you-should-date-for-destiny/

German Born Taiwanese American

On October 22, 2016October 22, 2016 By Rebekka LienIn culture, love, travel

What? Yes, I was born in Germany, but am Taiwanese, and I consider myself Taiwanese American since I’ve been in America for 20 years.

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My best friend next to me and some who knows who the creep that is boy next to me in kindergarten. Hamburg, Germany.

Since we are all talking about race here…I didn’t know I was that different until I came to America. I got made fun of for being “FOB- fresh off the boat” by Asian Americans and some whites. I was a little confused because I thought the term was used for Asians born in Asian countries, but I guess it didn’t really matter. Alas, now the term is a TV show, thanks to the Great America, wrought with “racial freedom”.

Anyhow, when I realized I was different….you see in Taiwan, I fit right in because we were young…and in Germany too, when you are young you don’t see people through racial differences, you see them as playmates, people.

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Me being solemn in the back. Yes, I’m holding a rose. Taipei, Taiwan.

I started listening to music that talked about degrading women instead of the love songs of Japanese and Taiwanese culture….so like instead of “I love who you are” to “put it up her ass” kind of songs. So there you go, the transition.

I was confused.

I started rejecting a part of myself and assimilated quickly.

All my best friends were Asian American, but deep down, I was an alien that somehow adopted the idea of being AA. Because I didn’t feel like them. I didn’t care about getting into a good college as much as they did, I was glad I didn’t go to after school, I didn’t want to settle down and live in the same city….I’m not saying all of them cared about the same things, but their parents sure did.

My mom wanted a good future for me, but I think deep down she knew she was different too. So we moved after I graduated and I went to a fashion school.

Recently, I started realizing all the books I’m reading are by white people, mainly white women since I’m reading self help books. Also the TV shows, the films I watch have mainly white people as protagonists. I got really sick of it and started searching out foreign films. Yesterday I watched a Cantonese film, my heart felt a little warmer.

You see, the guys I dated were white or mexican, mixed, or white, or ethnically mixed….confused too ethnically. Like me. With Asian Americans I felt different, in Taiwan, I was Americanized, too blunt, I felt comfy with Germans, Europeans, but still I was facially Asian. My ex used to make fun of me for saying a word wrong. But now, I don’t know anyone around me who writes as much as I do.

No one understands the feeling of having hot pot after months of European food like I do. It is pure bliss. My friends and I bring shin ramen on our backpacking trips. I searched out Asian restaurants in Paris. That’s how much my heart longs for Asian food. My blood consists of hot soup.

There is nothing wrong with trying to accommodate for the changes in your life ….but to neglect and ignore, and to push down a part of you means scarring your heart.

I value family, I value honor and respect. But only to an extent….because what I learned from America is that you must love yourself too, not sacrifice your heart to serve everyone else (more Asian….the concept of Sacrifice).

So I suppose I am one of a kind. And I don’t need to become more white, in fact, I’d like to stay the way I am, and own the FOB parts of me.

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Another Germany picture.

The Greatest Thing You Can Do Is To Disappoint People

On October 20, 2016October 20, 2016 By Rebekka LienIn Uncategorized

Sitting on the bus, staring out the window, I realized dang life is cray. When I was in high school I thought that life would be a, b, to c. Little did I know that life is much more flavorful and full. I wanted to be a fashion designer, my mom intitally wanted me to be a pianist or pharmacist since my grandad owned a pharmacy, and well when I actually entered the fashion industry I hated it with severe hatred.

My life became a whirlwind after I quit my full time job. From backpacking Australia, starting a jewelry business, expanding out to teaching English to two 70 year olds, to dating, to falling into a long term relationship, to moving, to meeting relatives for the first time, to backpacking in Europe, South America, etc..coaching…to becoming a realtor to quitting to entering the entertainment industry…to purely writing.

Of course a series of “disappointing people” events seem to mark my last 6 years.

First disappointing people who you worked with, a series of quitting, and starting…

And disappointing my mom. Yes, she could no longer boast about her daughter because she couldn’t say I was taking care of her or even that I had any kind of stable lifestyle or work.

When I started to come into my own and owning the life I wanted, I started saying no more and more.

No I don’t want to hang out with you.

No I don’t want to go there.

No I don’t want to be your friend.

No I don’t want to go out with you.

It was freeing. Exhilarating. Relieving. I realized after hanging up the phone with a person who didn’t agree with my choices that I could never please everyone and its freeing.

When you disappoint people they should realize they had expectations of you that were marked by their own prejeduice and judgement about who you should be. That’s control.

And when you disappoint them it shows them that they had false expectations of who they should be too. You show them its okay to make their own mistakes and to be their own selves, not to please others but to live authentically.

I hope that I continue to shockingly disappoint people.

Because I want to live in complete freedom and authenticity. Is it hard to face people who reject you because of your decisions? Yes, I’ve struggled and brooded in shame and guilt, but when I finally came to terms with the fact that I am my own person and I am Fucking perfect in my own way…and God made me this way, I am freed to live my life.

People will always have an opinion, but it is those ones that allow you to be yourself that are your true friends.

Ps…I just wanted to say when I realize my purpose wasn’t to please people, it allowed people like my mom to live her own freedom…it gave people freedom to see that they could live a free life too.

If your heart is healing, read this.

On October 18, 2016October 18, 2016 By Rebekka LienIn healing

Middle of the night, being woken by a dream type of writing is usually my type of writing. The writing is clearer, more concise, less tainted by what I think it should be, like streams of thought writing. I’m less likely to judge and censor. I usually get a download of thoughts when I wake up in the middle in the middle of the night.

I don’t write for my readers, I write what I believe is true in my heart and what I think people really need. And it’s also a direct download from God.

Okay I’m obsessed with Terrace House on netflix.

I cried and laughed. I truly felt the emotions that every member felt in this Japanese reality show. It’s not like American ones. It’s not sex crazed, hyper sexualized, focused on mere skin. It focuses on the characters’ emotions, intellect, conflict resolution between roommates and lovers. I found it deeply refreshing and different.

Having been on reality TV in America, I know the pressures producers have to “produce good rating”….I’ve heard of my friend, who is also in the entertainment industry, being coerced to do things she didn’t want to do. I call that manipulation.

It is so important to stay loyal to your core, to who you are NO MATTER WHAT.

Spoiler alert:

Towards the end of season 2 there is a girl I won’t name since you’ll want to watch it after reading this…..she falls for a guy who is thugish and cool, but I think immature, and too young for her. Anyways, he rejects her and claims she is insecure….

She is heart broken.

I found her emotions refreshing and real. Because how many times do we put our hearts out there, later pretending it never happened. Her emotions were real and raw, that is something to be proud of….IF YOU CAN FEEL AND EXPRESS YOUR EMOTIONS- YOU SHOULD BE PROUD. To have the courage to allow your heart to feel what it wants to feel is brave.

OKAY- SO SHE MEETS ANOTHER GUY RIGHT AFTER WHO IS MADLY IN LOVE WITH HER. LIKE finds everything the previous guy criticized about her to be a strength.

GUYS AND GIRLS.

THIS is so key.

OMG. Never settle. Your breakthrough, the love of your life, your opportunity is in waiting for the RIGHT ONE! OMG. I can’t say it enough. Over the years, God has taught me so much about valuing my own heart. I’m finally in a season where I am more willing to love again….it also taught me that my ability to be happy in life is in direct proportion to how much I open my heart to life…

So while I healed from previous tragedies (breakup from long-term relationship and lost of best friends)……….there was only so much I could handle in terms of enjoying what God wanted to give me. I barely had energy to truly enjoy life.

As my heart started to heal, I found rest to be most vital. I rested, I let my heart heal, grow, comprehend, feel. I gave my heart the space it needed to flourish again. Sometimes I wanted to rush the process, but eventually I learned that it was causing my wounds to fester again….like when you get hurt and keep playing at the scabs wanting the scabs to go away…but it only opens the wounds up and doesn’t give it time to heal over.

I wanted it to be over, the process. I wanted to move on with life, but somehow God knew I wasn’t ready for it. He wanted to address issues I had, that went all the back to 5 years old, feelings of abandonment and rejection.

I went deep in this journey. Really deep, so deep I could feel pangs in my heart, like little heart surgeries. Digging up stones in my heart was difficult..not going to lie.

I faced my hurts, I forgave people, I came to understand my personality, my hangups, why I did what I did…you know those things that people go to therapy for. These things really determine what flows out of you during the day.

The truth is if you don’t deal with those issues, they will continue to come up in every area of your life….don’t ignore those wounds. Tend to them.

Until I could really see my true worth, it was difficult to overcome the offense, the hurts caused by other people. Because I was valuing their opinion of me over who God said I was. Yes people pleaser.

But now, I feel more free. I value my heart more. I am learning to put my heart and myself before other people. It is important because we determine how others treat us. I was taught to put others first, but I think it’s bad theology. God has shown me that when you can put yourself first, you are more able to love others out of overflow versus obligation.

Extraordinary Ordinary Moments

On October 12, 2016 By Rebekka LienIn book, dream, entrepreneur, faith, God

I had a few nightmares last night and woke up in the middle of the night to cut down the small skeleton garland outside the porch, I walked to the trash can and tossed them. Somehow I needed to do that to cut ties with the spirit of death that was haunting me.

Good thing my dreams didn’t stay there. It continued on with someone making me spaghetti.

11:40am- take the bus to Pasadena

I eat at Sushi Stop, and I am not pleased with the sushi. Something has changed, the owner maybe. I don’t finish the carpaccio or whatever you call it, spirit tells me the end of it will make me sick.

I need to poop. I go inside Intelligentsia and ask for the code, but is given the wrong code. Good thing some guy comes and gives me the right code. I am defecating and the energy saving lights turn off. Now I have no light to wipe. Great. I’m sitting in the dark, trying to use my tablet light. Someone finally comes in and there is light. I yell “THANK GOD”. Girl laughs. When I exit I yell “thank you for saving my life”.

I proceed to fill my metro tap card. I wait for the 501, first time taking an express bus and within 15 minutes I’ve arrived in Burbank. I need to pee. I go to the hospital which the stop is near. I see a basket with “prayer request”, grab a slip and write down my request….please pray as I’m going to an audition, nothing to do with being sick or ill. I go back out for some tea, I go back in to pee and brush my teeth. I look like a hippie with my Mexican bought purple and pink hippie backpack.

I finally walk over for my audition. I am told that I have to impersonate a specialist of something I have no idea of. In the audition, I am suddenly struck with that tv show I once watched and am captivated in speech. How did I become so intelligent in this area?

All is done. I exit and meet a stranger at a bus stop. We talk about work and life. Within 15 minutes I’m back in Pasadena. I am hungry, for something. I don’t know what. But suddenly I realize it is French Fries. I walk over to the Taco place for french fries and drop loads of raddishes and salsa into the bag. I’m sitting outside and sees the owner of that bar across. I’ve stuffed myself. I walk over for some boba. I’m really in a rush, and I don’t know why. But as I’m peeing I realize, I just want to get home and watch netflix already.

When I finally get home there is a package awaiting me.

Extraordinary Ordinary Moments. I squeal when I open it. Just what I needed in this really particular day and moment. I’m captivated by the drawings and the introduction. What was moments of free time for Jorey (the author), became expressions of love and ordinary moments that turned extraordinary. I’m in love, with those ordinary moments, like when a stranger walked into the eco-saving bathroom and created light for me to wipe my ass. 5 out of 5 as I will be using this journal to write down moments of pee and poop. It is SO affordable in my opinion, everyone should have one.