Daddy and Mommy Issues

On October 29, 2016October 31, 2016 By Rebekka LienIn coach, dream, forgiveness, healing, love, spirituality

I was walking on the street, saw a young man with his parents. He looked like a douche bag, and I just thought “how do parents live with the fact that they produced a douche bag who is out there assaulting women and think it’s normal?”.

Anyway, sometimes I have the strangest thoughts. But really, I wonder about that.

Today I had a big realization that my healing is going deeper. I had this dream about a young man proposing to a woman and happily did they live after. So I was crying because I introduced them or I was producing the show. After I saw a young man waiting for his girlfriend, but he was drunk in the car.

Somehow this dream translated to my big revelation:

I was feeling like a loner because when I can’t figure out what God is saying I feel like he has forgotten me or is ignoring me. But why? Because 10 years of not talking to my dad felt like I was being ignored and forgotten. I didn’t have the security of knowing that my dad actually loved me at all, and sometimes I struggle with that when it comes to God’s love for me…And somehow after that I was always the one to initiate…and same goes with the first 26 years of my life, initiating, getting shit done, becoming a career women, taking care of the house, the family, being the one to take care of friends, neglecting self.

So if you think you’re the only one with issues think again.

This year I’ve been learning what being adopted by father God means. It means allowing God to pursue me. Having been the independent, strong woman, it was finally time to let go of control and be the recipient of love.

Which is why when I explain to my friends “I have no energy to date” it means “I have no energy to initiate” because all my life I have been aggressively going after I want….and now God is saying “will you stop and allow me to give you what you want?”…even when it comes to dating and a life partner. Whew.

Basically get the fuck out of your own way.

No wonder I’m tired.

So many years of trying to get the shit together when the shit can easily come together, round itself together if I’d just let God do the work.

Rounding back to douche bags….most people don’t acknowledge that they have these deep seated issues that is basically fucking up their relationships, friendships, life in general. How do you start? Ask God. I promise you…it’s worth it. Sometimes it might be painful to face the issues, but healing is worth it. And yah, probably a lot of your issues come from your relationship with your parents, but our view of ourselves shouldn’t be based on how they treated us…but the unconditional love that God has for you. You are worth it.

Book Review:

Finding Your Voice by Natalie Grant

5 out of 5. Natalie, a multi-Grammy nominate artist talks about living our your calling. I like how she incorporates examples of taking care of her voice or voice techniques to help us relate to how we can speak up for ourselves. She also talks about listening to your heart. A must-read 🙂 I liked reading her story because I can relate to losing everything to gaining it all back. This book was given to me for an honest review.

Purple Weed Cake

On August 29, 2016August 29, 2016 By Rebekka LienIn art, dream, faith, forgiveness, health, love, solo travel, spirituality, therapy, travel, writer

My craziest, well, I’ve HAD A LOT OF CRAZY travel experiences as a solo backpacker, but the weed cake in Amsterdam was PRETTY crazy.

I am not a drug user, I’ve never tried any hardcore drugs. I’ve only drank. And smoked weed (socially). But THE WEED CAKE from Amsterdam did me in. I only planned 2-3 nights there because the hostels were really expensive compared to the rates I was paying in other cities. After a 9 hour bus ride from London (in 2014), I got picked up from the bus station by a friend I met at King King (LA), which used to play really cool house music, but it is unfortunately now CLOSED. I used to go to King King with my older friends (well, not much older…haha, like 2-3 years older). My younger friends didn’t really understand what the heck it was about, you see it was about the MUSIC and the DANCING, not instagram.

Anyways, we had a meal, caught up and I went up.

It was the cheapest hostel in Amsterdam, which meant you literally lived across a 24 hour club banging loud music….I don’t know how I fell asleep at all.

But you know being semi- adventurous, I met some random friend in the lounge the next day, which happens to be purple, and he was like “hey, I heard there’s this really good weed cake, want to split one?” We found the cafe, owned by Armenians, I think, and we bought the famous weed cake he was talking about.

Anyways, we split it. We actually split it.

The last time I ate weed was when my friend made a cookie, I only ate a bit of it and when I was trying to drift off to sleep, I felt like there was a bug crawling in my stomach. Talk about paranoid.

Anyways, nothing happened.

But then I got really hungry and went to the only place I could afford with my budget, Burger King. Stupidly, I got a freaken coffee! And a meal. I devoured the load.

The coffee came sweeping up on me like a explosion of heartbeats and stars. I remembered my friend Munir told me not to drink coffee.

I was NOT okay.

I had to lie down fast or I was going to faint or have an epileptic attack.

I walked to my hostel mixed dorm room and climbed up to my bunk bed. I don’t know how much time past, but I literally saw my hand shaking. I called my boyfriend at the time, who I met in London, I said “I’m going to die, I’m dying”. He said “you sound okay to me”.

No really I’m dying.

I don’t know how much time past, but I kept staring at the clock scared that I would miss my bus tomorrow. I climbed down once, threw up, stared at the mirror, my eyes bloodshot. Was I dreaming? I climbed up again, how did I manage not to fall. I was not used to be out of control. I was a control freak really, I mean how else could I backpack on my own and not get kidnapped?

I projectile vomited a few times, one time I couldn’t hold it in and sort of sprayed into some of those Australian mates’ massive pile of stinky clothes and bags, there was even a doll in there. Like what?

The worse was when the purple swirly Victorian style wallpaper turned into Buddha. My heart was racing and this nice Samaritan gave me a drink of her water.

Later we would bump into each other in Berlin.

It was in the afternoon. I found myself playing worship music and praying in tongues. I forgave all my enemies and asked God to forgive me for hating on people.

I got my heart right somehow, I don’t know why, but I felt that if I died in that Amsterdam bunk bed, next to filthy stinky shit that belonged to these filthy mates, I’d be okay. Apparently, I even talked to some people, but half way I’d stop.

“where are you from?” – said stranger.

“I’m from LA”- Said me.

“How long are you traveling for?”

me- “uhhhh”. Blank out, I’m dying, I think.

Ran to bathroom, throw up, stare at mirror, ran back to bunk bed, am I alive, am I in some sort of Tom Cruise movie? Everything was like seconds of a film, it was a movie.

This is what came of that day.

You can order your own print here: https://society6.com/product/amsterdam-wz8_print#s6-2691391p4a1v45

The sketch, the cafe, and the hostel cat and I recovering.

I’ll always have stories to tell. Moral of the story, some good art might come from a horrific experience, and sometimes they wake us up to a spiritual reality.

God-employed

On August 16, 2016August 16, 2016 By Rebekka LienIn art, business, coach, dream, entrepreneur, faith, forgiveness, God, law of attraction, lifecoach, love, self-help, Uncategorized

My conversations with God are often in moments of frustration, probably because I have been practicing patience all my life. I am like a jack in the box that has been kept in the box for too long.

But even then I know God is strengthening me for the path ahead. A lot of people have asked me about my “self employed lifestyle”. Honestly I am not self employed, I am God employed.

I CANNOT EVEN IMAGINE HOW I COULD HAVE SURVIVED WITH MY Sanity attached all these years without God.

Because entrepreneurship was more about just learning to converse with God and to build this trust relationship with Him.

Entrepreneurship divorced from God is like unimaginable to me.

Only last year did I basically let go of full control and let God take over, up until then I was still asking God to bless my plans. I thought that in order to do good in the world, I had to first be like Tony Robbins. Little did I realize that things spark fire in brokenness. In our inability, God does what humans cant.

I call this grace.

So yes I managed to survive and sometimes thrive, but it was when God told me to sell everything and follow Him that I totally let go of my fear of not having enough, not being enough, not trusting him basically to take care of me.

I let go of my apartment, I let go of my new car that was leased, I let go of my credit (it plummetted), I let go of the lifestyle I was trying to sustain, when in actuality it was a huge facade of the shit that was inside my heart.

I was so tired.

I had lost friends. Family had spewed accusations at me, I had just gotten out of a codependent, unhealthy relationship where I felt like I completely lost myself.

When I lost everything I actually found myself.

I found my sweet authentic self at the core of my tears and brokenness.

So began my rebuilding of my dreams, my heart.

It was at that moment that I felt I would do anything for what I really wanted out of life, even if I had no food or shelter. I SAID God anywhere, anything, I am willing.

That is when grace filled in the gap. GOD CAME.

I got opportunities to be on 3 tv shows within a year. I stayed with my friend for a few months, ended up booking a one way ticket to Thailand.

I traveled with the spirit, not knowing where I would go next. How?

Everyone asks how. But few actually believe. You cannot do great things without first stepping out in faith. God just showed up in so many ways, sometimes through strangers, sometimes through divine encounters.

What has this year been about for me?

1. Learning to stay in faith when hardships come

2. Restoring and reconciling my relationship with my mother. When I was living alone, I had a huge motivation to prove her wrong. My family basically thought I had gone rogue and was screwing up my life by following my dreams. I remember going to Europe for 2 months and actually blocking her number because I needed space.

As an asian dsughter, I had to really speak up for myself. OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS IMPROVED DRAMATICALLY. I think it was at that moment when I was crying my eyes out because she wasnt happy for me when I told her I got this huge opporunity…..that I realize, yes she loves me, but when will I stop living for her approval??

Many of us are waiting for someone to be proud of us, to tell us, you are enough……but God showed me, I am enough for Him.

3. Breaking out of the world’s system of success

4. Living in freedom

Xoxo Rebekka

How To Protect Your Heart When You Have An Asian Mom

On August 5, 2016August 5, 2016 By Rebekka LienIn coach, faith, forgiveness, God, health, law of attraction, lifecoach, love, Relationships, self-help, therapy, Uncategorized

You are responsible for the well-being of your heart. Yes, you are.

You are the landlord of your heart and you get to decide who and what resides there (landlord analogy by Christa Black). When I was younger, I’m 28 now, I opened my heart to lots of people because I thought, “well I’m taught to love people right?” but that’s when I realize that THERE IS EVIL out there. Real evil. And then I got frightened and closed my heart up after too many evil encounters. Thank God I’ve been healing from those manipulative encounters and learned to guard my heart.

I learned that it is important to have boundaries in your life. And you have to SPEAK UP for your heart, it’s your responsibility YO.

Which leads me to the whole controlling Asian parent thing again.

Recently I’ve been blessed with good food and have eaten well. It’s just this season of rest and getting fed. Well, my mom mentions a couple of times that “watch your weight”, your legs are getting fat or your stomach is getting fat.

And as you can see, I’m not an obese person, I’m a pretty skinny Asian woman that happens to have curves. (This just goes to show the impossible culture Asians live in).

I was totally fine the whole day, had no neck aches and for me when I have neck aches it is usually because I am fearing something.

SO at night I start getting these crazy painful neck aches and I start to do my inner healing, meditation, prayer time with God. I ask Spirit what the hell is going on. I look back on the day. I mean I had really great food, got this amazing dress from Nordstrom, felt so alive and free all day. I felt abundant.

Then it struck me, that moment when my mom….instead of saying “wow I had a great day with my daughter”, she said “your stomach is looking fat, watch yourself”.

Gosh, how encouraging.

So in that moment, subconsciously my self worth was struck down and subconsciously I heard and felt in my spirit “You’re not enough, you’re not good enough”.

Wow. I love healing sessions with God.

So then I start planning a speech about what I’ll tell my mom, how I’ll speak up for my heart so that I can protect it in the future. Then I have this crazy dream about a childhood friend who I am no longer friends with due to parental conditions (aka controlling Asian parents who basically took control of our friendship and ended it with, well their controlling spirit). 3 times I ask her what’s wrong, no answer.

Finally she tells me “my mom died”, I hug her and we cry and cry. Then my mom comes in and questions what I’m doing. And the light bulb went on. When do Asian kids ever grow up? Some of us, without knowing it, are still being controlled by our parents. We feel out of control, we view God like our parents…unrelenting, angry, controlling.

In Asian culture, there is no such thing as GRIEVING, we are taught to get over it, cover it up, Asian moms don’t really have much capacity to comfort or tend to your emotions (I’m talking about the older generation, now not all moms are like that but I have seen a lot).

So in the grieving, pain process, we are often commanded to ANSWER TO and name WHAT IT IS we are going through. And as you know, grieving is messy, you can’t always name it. People want to KNOW shit because they feel like they are in control if they know what it is you are going through.

Some Asian adults still feel that they are seriously unable to make their own decisions. They feel powerless in their own lives and a victim of circumstances.

Well, after my dream….I knew I had to just speak up.

“mom, can you not say anything negative about my body? It hurts my heart and honestly if I want to exercise or lose weight I will, but that’s my own decision. This is my body, not yours”.

And with that, she said okay, as long as you yourself know.

And even if I sometimes feel insecure, I know that this season is actually a blessing.

Why? Because most of the time when I’m traveling I’m losing hella a LOT of weight and I barely have an appetite sometimes, like in Cebu, Philippines, I was shitting out water, or food that turned to water, okay I know Too Much Info.

Which leads me to my point.

I once heard a relative of mine say after I chose DISTANCE from certain people in my life that “people have a right to their opinions about you”. Well I have a right to “who I want in my life and what opinions I want to hear” because most peoples’ opinions ARE NOT truth about who you are in LOVE.

Because LOVE feels good, love FIRST tells you your true identity, then in the encouragement, propels you TO DO GOOD….not the other way…like when people yell at you and tells you “you suck” and think that ‘s going to encourage you to change. LOL.

So guard your heart because out of the heart comes all the goodness and junk of life. You have a right to say NO and TO create healthy boundaries, use your speech, speak up like I did.

PS- I love Asian moms, don’t get me wrong. Not all Asian moms are this way. There are many reasons people become controlling or negative, most of the time they are speaking out of their own insecurities. AKA my mom just bought this weird massage tool that is supposed to massage the fat out of her body. I love my mom- she is REALLY amazing. Sometimes I have to write about her because well, it’s my experience and I believe it can free others.

This article doesn’t just apply to Asians or moms, or women, this applies to ALL HUMANKIND. Maybe even animals. I pray this article may help free you to LIVE IN FREEDOM!

How To Protect Your Heart When You Have An Asian Mom

Drama Rama

On June 7, 2016June 7, 2016 By Rebekka LienIn coach, dream, entrepreneur, forgiveness, God, law of attraction, love, Uncategorized2 Comments

Movenpick Cebu.

I’m sitting at Shangri-La and I’ve never had so much drama in my life.

I can’t go into detail but I’ve been having many dreams. In all of this, this experience of being in Cebu, filming a tv show,,,,and well losing my phone, oh I meant this strange evil person robbed me and took my phone from my pocket, going to the police and all that,

Here’s some things I’ve learned:

Material things fade. Money can’t buy you worth.
People are fickle. People change constantly and are rather good at hiding their true emotions. We live in a society filled with fear of being authentic and truthful to our spirit.
There is always a blessing in disguise, the blessing sometimes may be a lesson that is sprouting within your spirit, and not a dollar amount.
Choose yourself. Choose what feels good and right in your spirit. People will persuade you to be their friend when misery calls for you to entertain, but you must stand strong.
Stories are knit in our minds based on our past experience of disgrace. We must learn to disassociate ourselves from our false selves and even our memories of who we are and how we relate to other people.
A secret is not worth keeping because it can destroy your soul.
There is no black and white, because people’s emotions are colorful.
There can be hope and love in the world if we learn to break our walls down and show vulnerability.
We live in a society based on competition but how God created us is to work together for our social well being, there is no love when people are isolated. People must come together to communicate their truth.
Forgiveness and letting go- 1st importance.
As much as people tell me to stop being so trusting, I continue to see the best in people because God continues to do that for me, so I will continue to forgive because I know I am not perfect.

PS-

We must choose to let go and forgive daily.
It is a daily exercise of love for our souls.
We can become cold and hard hearted because of what happens to us in life, but our choice to forgive isn’t for other people, it’s for ourselves. The truth is our ego is our worse enemy, it chooses to neglect what we truly need, which is love.
But ego loves pride, loves to think we are better than other people.
By doing so, we isolate ourselves and choose not to help others. …Thus, we no longer have the ability to receive love as our hearts have closed off to help.

XOXO, BEX

Be willing to change

On March 30, 2016March 30, 2016 By Rebekka LienIn forgiveness, philosophy, psychology, Relationships, self- reflection, self-helpLeave a comment

Be willing to change.

As I walk through this season of being with my mom, I am challenged with my ego, pride and hubris and am releasing the defensive mechanism I had for most of my life.

This defensive mechanism came from my need to protect my ego. To protect my core.

Her criticisms often made me feel unloved and not enough, never good enough.

As I grew in my spirituality I started to release old mentalities and thought patterns. I released things, attachment to the material world, the need to control…but as I spend time with her, I am reminded again of the not good enough monster. In addition, in my opened eyes of seeing her inability to release things like a table from 25-30 years ago, I am noticing why she is stuck.

But I also am challenged to love in a greater way, to love from a place of- I accept and love you as you are, not when you release these old wounds, but just as you are. I accept you even in your inability to love yourself or to see that not releasing past wounds hurts you.

Today after I washed my hair, my mom kept doting “dry your hair, dry your hair”. It really didn’t matter to me, I usually air dry it. But I replied after 30 minutes “okay I’m drying my hair because I love you”.

Perhaps that was my first training for my future marriage…something might not matter to me, but if it matters to someone you love, you may just do it out of love.

And instead of incurring more annoyance, I did it out of love for her, even though I could care less if my hair is dried.

So I suppose I am maturing. I used to blame her for many things, but now I’m learning that I must overcome the annoyances within me until her words becomes only a reflection of her own spirit, not mine. And in effect, I can love her just as she is, and allow that love to change her.

Forgiveness As A Way Of Life

On May 8, 2015May 8, 2015 By Rebekka LienIn forgiveness, self-help, spirtualLeave a comment

“What great thing would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?” — Robert Schuller

To truly live life to the fullest, to be passionately pursuing life and your dreams, you must overlook the mistakes you will make. You must be slow to judge, slow to condemn, slow to be offended. You must manuever quickly because we are all human and we all make mistakes. To be an artist, an entrepreneur, you must make mistakes to be a great one. You must make big mistakes, I think that’s a requirement, it creates depth and depth is seen in your work.

I love hearing the sound of rain, the sound of cars driving on a watered road. After watching Lost in Thailand on Netflix, I had this urge to write about my recent heart journey. Ever since I came back from Hawaii, I’ve been releasing even more negative vibes out of my life. Though I had already sold all of my furniture and reduced my clothes to fit into a duffle bag, I was not done with starting over.

I also needed to once and for all forgive everyone that had ever hurt me in my life. As I started writing down names of people I wanted to forgive and release from my heart, no longer requiring their validation, approval or apologies, I realized there was a theme of “lack of affection/attention” or “negative words or words of rejection”, some that consisted of people making judgements on me even though they had known me for years, yet perhaps out of a lack of love in their own hearts, chose to see me as someone i was not…out of the attempt to control someone they could not control- me.

I also had to forgive myself for “wasted years” when the truth is….I needed to go through what I went through to see the precious worth of my time and life. I remember telling a stranger that I learned a lot from my past relationship, he replies “well you sure learn a lot after a beating” (now that’s an analogy). We don’t always need to learn from hardships or heartbreak, we can learn from wisdom, from listening to our hearts.

Well, now I can help others who struggle with self-worth and rejection. I also needed to learn what it meant to invest time, energy and heart into my closest relationship and that it was not selfish of me to spend time alone or not want to spend time with mere strangers. I saw that as my influence inclined, many people wanted to “spend time with me” to talk about “their issues”, which I do offer in my coaching sessions. Unless you are a close friend of mine, I will not invest time and energy to get “freeloaded”. In order to be the best that I can be, I need to protect my time with myself and most of all, meditate and pray. But I also learn that it is better to have a flexible heart than inflexible ritual. That’s why I’m not big on rituals or things that take away from my heart.

I commit to things because it makes me happy, not because I feel guilt-tripped into it. Who are the people you need to forgive? What did they say or do that hurt you and how did it make you feel in terms of value, worth or significance? Because unless you continue to receive forgiveness and forgive others, the manifestation of our lives are simply an image. Heart growth, heart healing is what counts, unless this is dealt with….all the fruit of our labors will rot.

Trust me on this. Everything you’ve ever worked for will become bitter fruit, wrought out of a bitter root (your heart). Allow your heart to become healthy so that love can flow freely into every area of your life. If you haven’t released forgiveness or people from your heart, they are taking up SPACE for the people that want to love and be loved by you.

My commitments in this life:

1. To know that I have already been forgiven and am free to make mistakes

2. To allow others to be themselves and to allow them to make mistakes just as I make mistakes

3. To know that there is no such thing as “mistakes” but simply detours to the right path

4. To enjoy life to the fullest And just to give you a personal update, I’ll be going up to Sacramento May 14-17 to speak at a women’s conference. From there I’ll be going to Berkeley or Palo Alto, I haven’t decided. And Thailand is on my mind, will probably go this Fall, don’t know how and what, but like any other trip, I must step forward in faith.

When you’re gracious with yourself, you’ll allow others to be themselves around you. That’s the most beautiful form of relationship!