“I feel emotionally blocked and I don’t know why. I used to feel like I can tell you everything but I can’t anymore.”
“You know what it is, I think I wish you were the one, but you’re not”, tears streamed down my face.
The ship has sailed and I needed to recognize that God had better for me. He kept calling me, he still thought of me, but I needed to move on. He wasn’t the one.
I went down to the beach with a friend and this friend had attachments. I had feelings for him but I woke up. I could be stupid enough to play myself or I could wake up. I decided to wake up. This guy that probably had false responsibility heard about my day and decided to offer food to me. We had tried for 3 weeks, but I knew from the beginning that he wasn’t the one. He wasn’t even Christian, but he was a good dad. He filled a hole in my heart that I missed out on, a dad role.
So that’s the healing God has been doing in my heart.
I went home after the beach and told my mom, with tears rolling down my face. “Mom, I realize it’s not your fault that dad was an alcoholic, I’m sorry I blamed you for loving him. You didn’t know”.
I didn’t understand why God still had me living with my mom. In our society, it looks weird. Why is a 32 year old still living on a cot at her mom’s house? But I saw the beauty of our stories healing. I needed to heal from my dad issues and my mom needed to heal from her divorce even though it has been 25 years.
As I told her each story about a guy hitting on my best friend, a married guy hitting on me, a guy living in his car, a guy who was molested by his parents…whether these were guys I met or guys I ministered to, her heart opened a little more.
I had to forgive myself for loving a codependent, an addict. My ex was an addict, he went to cigarettes, alcohol, weed for relief. He was always too scared to face his emotions. I put aside myself to serve him. I was a taxi driver, a codependent as well. I picked him up on Valentine’s Day because he wanted to drink with his best friend.
That was the last straw. I was way too nice. I didn’t know my worth.
But I know my worth now. I don’t need to compromise myself for a guy, and I don’t need a dad. I have a Heavenly Father.
I told my friend yesterday to stop drinking, to slow down, but he kept pouring vodka into his gatorade.
A codependent? I woke up. I didn’t need to change anyone. I could only focus on myself and I chose myself. I have chose myself over and over in different situations……
Ladies, we play ourselves to be wanted and loved. But that’s not love.
Love protects, love honors, is he honoring you?
So I broke the cycle and chose myself. I went home by myself when I could have pretended to enjoy myself, but I didn’t. I wasn’t going to ignore my heart.
I broke two cycles. I walked away from someone who didn’t know what he wanted, an alcoholic, and I walked away from the past.
I met a girl too who told me – “what if you knew your husband was going to come in 6 months and you got rid of everyone that isn’t your husband”. It woke me up. I didn’t need to compromise or help anyone. I’m not here to be liked, I’m here to meet my husband. I’m not here to play games, I’m here to be chosen by my one.
Every person in my movie has been integral to my healing and vice versa. As God reveals the trauma and triggers of the past I’ve been able to breakthrough and love my heart better.
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