Unashamed

Why should I be ashamed of my desire to be married?

When I was younger I thought people who wanted to get married was well annoying. I really didn’t understand why anyone would want to be married. I thought it was a drag, a commitment and I was scared of it. My parents were divorced and I saw a horrible example of marriage. Cheating was involved, fighting, arguing.

But now I’m not ashamed of my desire.

I talked to a young man yesterday in his twenties, he was referred to me by a friend but I had no idea he was that young.

He said he just wanted to have fun, he also never met a woman who was actually looking for her soulmate.

He said some hurtful things like “you’re old”. At first I got angry and just hung up the phone but then called back and told him how I felt.

I said that it hurt my feelings for him to say those things to me. I reached a breakthrough in my heart…I realized that there were things I needed to say to people that I never said.

I’m no longer afraid to confront people with my true emotions. There are still a few people I need to get things off my chest with.

Recently I told my truth, I was myself and I offended a friend’s boyfriend. He was such a people pleaser that he didn’t tell me how he felt. Instead he told my friend and they both blocked me out of their life. He didn’t take the opportunity to explain how he felt. For me, I felt used. I didn’t realize she was using me to scope out whether he was a good fit for her. I said that he wasn’t to begin with because he was caught red handed flirting with other girls and that’s why they broke up to begin with.

But it also freaked me out that she got into his Facebook account to read his messages.

The point is….when I was younger I didn’t know how to tell my truth, but now that I’ve matured, I have grown so much in emotional maturity this year.

I had a dream that I was wearing all white and I had a bow on my neck. I took it off and found a shade under a tree and I wanted to give my “guy” shade too. He was not too far away. I was really hot in the dream.

I am unashamed of my desires.

I think that some women are ashamed of their desires for love.

Ladies, there is no shame in wanting to be loved. Don’t allow others to say that you’re desperate. The amount of accusations that have been thrown at me have been hurtful.

“Maybe you’re looking in the wrong place”- married couple I met.

“So what, what if you get married, your husband won’t support you”- my mom.

“It’s going to be hard to find a virgin”- strangers. I said I’m not necessarily looking for a virgin but someone who is celibate for God and themselves.

I answered “God told me my husband is coming, He told me this over and over, I don’t need to doubt God”.

I may complain and I may be frustrated that I had to turn down a few guys, it broke my heart to tell them the truth because who wants to disappoint others? But the truth sets us free.

I would be doing you injustice by lying to you and spending more time with you just to be liked by you.

I’d rather tell you the truth and set you free.

God has brought a lot of men into my life to learn how to communicate, to love them, to honor them. I really hated men for awhile. My dad especially, my brother. They all ghosted me. My brother doesn’t pick up my calls. My dad doesn’t either.

But thank God God has restored my opinion of men.

Yesterday I met lyft driver. He was heart broken. He loved this really hot woman and he found out 5 months later she was a hooker. He felt stupid for believing her, for being lied to. She lied to him and even asked him for a good amount of money.

I said “it’s not your fault”. He said “it is my fault”. I could feel a burden on my shoulder and started praying for him.

When I was younger I would have blamed him. I would have said “oh men are dumb, they just get infatuated with a woman’s look”.

But since I’ve heard hundreds and maybe even thousands of men’s stories, I am able to have more compassion. Women get compassion, how come men don’t. It is unfortunate that their dicks do more of the talking than their heads sometimes, but I am learning to have more grace for them.

So you understand why God sends me to men now? And why I’ve learned to have compassion for them?

I hope you are well. May the Lord bless you and please consider giving to my ministry in breaking off the spirit of condemnation and showing the grace of God to the world!

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A divine appointment in Seattle, it was 2 pm and I suddenly felt in my spirit I had to take a train to Oregon.
Another divine appointment on the train. She was Christian as well and I cried and talked to her for hours.
Divine appointments- I got off the plane and saw this guy jumping on a bench. I asked if he was Christian and he said yes. We spent more than 6 hours together.

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