God has been breaking off every fear in my heart. I didn’t know there was so much lack (fear of not being enough) and poverty mindset in my heart.
My mom taught me to eat the lobsters at buffets and to eat until I’m full. Growing up I was often hungry because I didn’t like to eat a lot at one sitting. I wanted to enjoy what I was eating; not force myself to eat.
However because of it she would yell at me every time I got hungry and so she’d say “just eat more so you’re not hungry later”. I think it’s because she felt like she wasn’t in control whenever I complained that I was hungry.
Food became an issue for me. One time I got hit with really bad vertigo and when we went to the eastern doctor she said I needed to eat when I’m hungry as my blood sugar was low and my immune system goes down.
After that I became afraid of not eating when I’m hungry. In a sense I became afraid of hunger- which is a fear of lack.
I rested for many days but felt totally out of control. I’d go somewhere and suddenly felt dizzy. It was the worse feeling ever. I read somewhere that vertigo is the fear of falling but the desire to fall and let go.
So there are times I get hungry and I haven’t eaten for awhile but God will say it’s okay, you don’t need food.
I had hyperthyroid for a minute and I started gaining weight without eating much. I felt defeated as I couldn’t control my body no image. I felt fat and unattractive. My mother would tell me “you’re getting fat, exercise, don’t eat so much”.
God healed me when I learned that I needed to rest in his finished work, but I was still traumatized.
I found myself eating sweets growing up – I loved it but I ate it whenever I felt pain or sadness. Instead of crying, I went to boba, cake or anything sweet. It was my refuge in a sense.
I remember when I was a small child ripping through boxes of chocolate in the middle of the night at my German nanny’s house. She found me on the floor fast asleep with chocolate all over my face and mouth.
I accrued many cavities growing up.
Sometimes I ate even when I wasn’t hungry because I felt that I may get vertigo again. I was traumatized by that experience. I ate in fear to stop the past from repeating itself.
I know my mother criticizes herself too. She doesn’t like the double chin, she criticizes me. I’m writing this and crying on the taxi as I go to the airport.
I am enough. I am worthy. I am not a burden. I am enough.
I have more issues than I expected. And I hope by sharing with you you know that you’re not alone. May the Lord continue to heal you. From an unloved place to being loved.
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Rebekka Lien 