Will you love me if I don’t fulfill your expectations of me?
So if I get a normal job and live a normal life then you will love me?
Or you will find something else wrong with me?
These questions popped into my mind after I called my mom and told her a dream I had. I had a dream that I told my friend I wanted to go home and she said she could help me get home financially. But then I said I don’t want to be a burden.
I had a realization that part of why I wanted to leave was because I felt like a burden to my mother. I didn’t really want to move out yet and didn’t know where I wanted to live. I had been overseas ministering for a year and a half and felt pressured to make up my mind about something.
Everyday God was bringing me to people, bringing me out of my cave. I felt forced out of my emotional cave and felt so uncomfortable.
One night I heard go to Korea.
Even now I’m wondering if it was God or me. Or whether it even matters. God is still with me and He’s been bringing divine appointments everyday.
The point is I realize it’s okay to not know what you want.
I’m okay living in between. I’m okay being enough just as I am, whatever that looks like. I shouldn’t have to settle down to be enough. I am enough now. Whether I am married now or not, whether I am doing ministry or working a normal job.
My mother makes it seem like if I live a normal life then I’d have security or peace but my security is in knowing I am a child of God.
God is my solid rock.
It shouldn’t be in our circumstances or even in moving into our promises.
The discomfort of not knowing and of the unknown forces us to look at who we are in God’s eyes versus our circumstances.
I shouldn’t have more peace when I’m in LA or another country, I am enough now and peace is within me.
I am not lacking a house, a ministry, a job, friends or family- I am enough now.
Whether people are around me to cheer me on or if they are overseas.
Whether people accept or reject me, I am enough.
My mom thinks she hurt or enabled me by allowing me to live with her when I come back to LA, but that’s not the case.
Why can’t we just be okay with the unknown? Why do we always have to figure out the next thing? What’s wrong with not knowing, not wanting, but simply being.
What’s wrong with sitting still?
What’s wrong with being?
And what’s wrong with going somewhere and realizing that I don’t really want to be here, but it’s okay.
I don’t always have to get what I want. Because I am what I want. I have what I want, it’s Jesus. It’s peace. It’s being enough.
I didn’t really know where I was supposed to go this morning and heard several things but I felt Busan so I got on the train and met a girl who had super cool ripped jeans.
I doubted myself because I had a dream that I wanted to go home but I wondered if I was simply going home because it was an easy choice but even if it’s an easy choice, isn’t it okay just because I want to?
Your desires change.
It’s ok to not want the things you wanted before.
I wanted to ask my mother those questions above.
So you will love me if I fulfill your expectations? If that’s the case you’ll never be happy.
Your happiness should never depend on other people.
I don’t know what I want completely.
I got what I wanted recently, a new phone and laptop. It made me happy. And I feel grateful for these tools, but what else do I want?
A car, to drive freely wherever I want.
I want to be loved and appreciated by those around me.
I want new clothes. I want to say what I feel at all times. I want to live with no regrets.
To not be afraid to try. I want friendships, people I can do things with and express my emotions with.
I don’t need to see new places anymore, I’ve seen enough and I’ve ministered to enough people overseas. Sure I’m still doing it but I think I’d like some privacy. I’d like a dog and some pets. I’d like a life partner I can spend time with.
I want a husband who cooks and cleans, can love me and respect me. It’s time for me.
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