Recently I have gone to great extents to fathom and comprehend the concepts of reliance and independence. Or more so, independence vs. interdependence. Independence meaning you are able to live by yourself, not be dependent on parents/friends, interdependence moving back and forth between depending and being independent (the healthy way). I’ll just write a poem since it is easier for me.
Dance, music, limelights, she stands alone wondering where her other half is.
Her sublime sadness provokes me to madness. Can this really be? That one cannot enjoy oneself?
Although I am able to enjoy myself meeting new friends, I cannot but feel a bit of sympathy.
Co-dependency has united the two. They have destroyed any possibility of independence or interdependence. Once capture by a net of security her parents provided, she is once again captivated by his golden locks. He keeps you stagnant, she said. I said, where has your business gone? Where has your dreams of shops and sweets gone? A life once sparked with future, now crumbling into ashes.
Boundaries. Distance. Separating myself. I don’t know what co-dependence means nor independence. It’s a weak thing I deem to be unable to enjoy oneself without their other half. I would think that a healthy relationship allows space for growth, apart from each other. But I find myself amidst situations of friendships where friends depend on their partners for happiness. Dependence I think is different from “addition”. I think partners should give you an addition of happiness, a bonus of life. Though what I have observed in my surroundings is that without their partners, they seem to be unable to enjoy happiness.
So I keep observing. Kind of sad. Not knowing whether what I feel is legitimate. Whether this is just part of life, or realizing that once again, maybe friends are just that fragile. Friendship can be distanced and broken because of someone finding their partner. I think maybe I just need to grieve for myself, just a little longer. Or maybe I should rejoice because all my friends can now live without my help. I can now move on, emotionally and physically, moving into another country, another culture, another arena of friendship.
Maybe maybe, I should allow myself to be, to feel whatever I feel. To grieve and be sad. To realize another chapter of my life has closed and another has come. I’m a little shaken, a little teary eyed. But I’ll be sad and happy. Happy for them, happy for me. Sad for them, sad for me. Bittersweet herbs renewing visions. I’ll move on, carrying those memories in my heart. Because once again, I’ll be surprised by the friendships God will bring forth to me. Life is just like that, looking back in reminiscence, and learning to look forward in anticipation and hope.