Now that I have 21, what then.

There’s so many options ahead, my head is spinning.  I keep running forth, running here and there, not knowing.  I keep knocking down doors, breaking them, landing some nice splinters in my fingers, my legs are sore, I keep running.  I know what I am, who I am, what I’m made of.  I know the passions God has put in my heart, me- I am unique.  I know I have talents and skills God wants me to use, but where do I go next?

I am filled with doubts, fears, and what will they thinks.  I know I don’t care, I won’t care in the end what anyone thinks.  I will charge forth, a lion let out.   I am not one to follow, I have been whipped for my rebellious manner.  I know God humbles me at those times.  Yet, I am one to lead, I know it deep down in my heart.  But all this time, I have let myself sit back and relaxe.  I lead when handed to me, maybe later, later.

Later when they feel so convicted to hand me this precious thing they cling onto- this thing called leadership.  I don’t mind a bit, it’s more relaxing anyway, sitting here in my chair, just getting to know people…eating, drinking, laughing, crying a bit when the time calls for…when those around me needs a hug, a tear of empathy, yes that’s what I was made for.

Otherwise, I have reached midlife crisis.  I know all will be well, like those trillion of times I cried out with doubt.  God affirms, leads, comforts.  I’m good to go, with a kewpie in one hand and my journal in the other- I charge forth like a soldier.   Hey mama, don’t cry.  She never cries or lets me see them tears.  Let music play in my ears, for these qualms are heavy stones on my heart.  I was never made for this,  I was made for joy.