Lost Sheep Found

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“I’m tired of being alone”

“I haven’t been hugged for years”

“My life has been pain”

“No one talks to me, I’m like the last person anyone talks to”

What do you do for fun? I’ll ask.

“I like being at home, I don’t go out, I’m scared to talk to people”.

These are words I hear from people (lost sheep) that God leads me to everyday.

Sure, perhaps these are victims’ words, but I know I have felt the same. The desperation of loneliness because you’ve been “set apart”. You’ve been hurt and wounded by people. 

You’re a pioneer, you’re different, you’re unique. God has set you apart. You’ve had a troubled childhood, you don’t feel like you fit in, you don’t feel at home being at home. You’ve been rejected and wounded. Your dad or mom abandoned you, they never talk to you.

Yesterday a young man told me his dad hit him up for money after years of not talking to him. He was coked out, we went to go eat. He had just gotten out of prison, he told me he had to fight men right when he got locked up. He always hangs out outside his house because his dad drinks and yells.

My days look like this….

I feel led to go to one place, then I’m led to go another place, I’m led to go home and I get on a bus and see a girl I’ve met before. I talk to her. She opens her heart to me, we have similar upbringing. She tells me she just got yelled at at work, I tell her she is gorgeous, she’s going to be an actress.

I walk home in the back alley and notice a person God has told me to talk to before (but because maybe I was wanting to be alone I didn’t talk to him), suddenly I hear myself open my mouth and ask if he has eaten dinner yet.

Some days I meet people at the korean spa, sometimes on buses, sometimes on the street, at a bus stop, at the mall, at a restaurant. I’m the one person who talks to strangers, who feels the pain of the lost sheep and my heart knows exactly where God’s sheep is, the one who has been wounded and battered.

I know exactly where they are. I can spot them in a crowd of faces. My heart will follow them, my heart will lead me to them. Even if they think they are lost, I can spot them,  I can find them.

Traditional churches may never reach out to the one smoking outside their house, they may never talk to the one who leaves right after church, but a pastor to lost sheep hears the heart beat of a lost sheep. They go outside the church, onto the streets. Their motive is not that they will get paid, they answer to God’s leading. Their motive is love.

So many people have asked me “what’s in it for you?”

My friend, because I’ve tried everything and only Jesus gave me the true peace I needed. I now answer only to God. His grace is my only life support. Nothing else has filled the void in my heart. I’ve married Jesus and put a ring on it. I’m committed to God. 

The other day a waitress asked me if I was fortune teller as her coworker who I prophesied to told her about me. She was scared but she asked me. I said “no, but I am a Christian, a prophet”. I said “are you an artist?” She gasped “yes. How did you know?”

I said “God told me right now”.

Another day my friend and I went to Santa Monica and a dad and daughter in a stroller was walking in front of us. He kept appearing. I could feel his heart- meaning whatever pain he had in his heart, I could feel it.

When he appeared again, I started talking to him. I heard “single dad”. I asked him what his ethnicity was. He said Mexican and Puerto Rican.

I said “oh funny I had a dream I met a Mexican family”. He said “oh weird because my ex had a dream that I wasn’t the one and she left me”.

We talked to him for awhile and told Him God loved Him, God never leaves a lost sheep alone.

It’s not an easy calling. I went to 14 countries in one year, the first year of ministry. God led me and provided for me. Sometimes I got attacked verbally by the lost sheep, wounded people hurt people. They’re not all easy cases.

I had to heal from ministry too.

But I understand the pain of being rejected because I was rejected too.

By my own family, by a church, by friends even.

Yet, you, maybe you, are not lost, but found.

You’ve been searching for your family for so long…and you’ve found me. 

You’ve found someone who won’t judge, and they are all there, somewhere. You will find them. I know you will. I meet them everyday. These warriors. They are beautiful. Tattooed, bald, beautiful, long haired, short haired, a little bit different, creative, wounded. 

God never leaves a sheep alone, He finds them.

If you are feeling alone, you are never alone…

But you need people who understand you…

Why don’t you try reaching out, why don’t you message someone who you’ve admired, why don’t you risk rejection or judgement, and put yourself out there. 

Why don’t you ask to sit with someone.

God has often asked me to sit with a stranger at a restaurant or at a bar. These are people who need mending and healing in their hearts.

I am healing too.

You are not alone. I’ve been neglected and abandoned too. I’ve been wounded.

None of us are alone in it.

Come out of hiding.

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God’s timing is perfect. I felt a knowing to just get on the bus, sometimes I get off somewhere just knowing that I have to and I meet the person God wants me to meet.

Luke 15 Then Jesus told them this parable:  “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

Some people ask me how I knew my calling.

I asked God one night- “God whats is my calling?”

Then He answered to me one morning “you are a pastor to lost sheep”.

And yes I had questions and He did answer. Trust me, I did not understand at first. I had to look up the verse above. I had to struggle with God. I had just sold everything to follow Him, being led by the spirit, not knowing where I was going to live, living at the korean spa one night, then a hotel, then crashing at a friend’s place, then going to another state to minister to a girl I met online….then yah just going by the Spirit everyday…

 

Too Unique

Yesterday a man asked me how many people read my blog and how it’s not enough to get ad revenue, etc.

I said “I’m not doing it for the money”.

I’ve been writing since I was a little kid so to me writing is like defecating, I need to defecate what I’ve inputted into my system and writing is like defecating my wisdom…if I don’t do it I get clogged or constipated. 

Plus, if you are doing something you don’t want to just for money than you really are selling your soul and not really doing it for the love of it. And also you’re not being authentic. If you are changing what you write about just so more people can read it, just for more likes or follows, then again you’re being inauthentic.

Basically don’t do what you don’t want to in life. 

I woke up last night and suddenly thought about that one time I really wanted to work in Venice. I had to design a bag and create a photoshop/illustrator template of it from plain image.

This is what I came up with. My own print design.

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That was my style back then.

Well, I really wanted to work with cool folks in Venice at a company that designed cosmetic bags, but I didn’t get the job.

I was disappointed and cried. I guess I saw myself riding a bike in Venice and eating hipster food. It seemed like a cool place to be.

When I talked to the woman who referred me she said “you should have consulted with me so that I could tell you to tone down your style and not be so unique“. The woman who worked in the company basically said “I was too unique”. The style is too bold. 

I thought about it, well I wouldn’t change one thing about it. Just to get a job? Change who I am? No.

And now I think about it, I’m glad I didn’t get the job because I don’t think I could have lived in Venice because I would have missed my Chinese food too much and the commute back to Asian Valley is too far and too traffic filled.

But that just wasn’t where God intended for me to be. Which leads me to a unique question- can you follow your heart and God’s will at the same time? The man at Dunkin Donuts asked me that yesterday, or actually he presumed you could not and that I don’t write like someone who believes in God.

I pondered upon this question.

Yes, I do believe every desire originates from the heart of who God is. However, like a little toddler, she may want to drive a car but is not ready for it. You can’t run if you don’t walk yet and that is why I believe sometimes we don’t get what we want at the time, but eventually it will come to pass.

All desires are innately from God.

Even though I may be too unique for some people, I realize that being myself fuels my soul and being. In the past when I tried to compromise who I was, I felt miserable. When I forced myself to do things I didn’t want to, I felt like shit. 

And people who are too unique and stay too unique will get rejected repeatedly. It’s the story of my 29 years. It may take us longer to make “societal progress” but in the end, when we do thrive, we thrive by being who we are, not who we pretend to be.

I hope you are too unique for some people or some companies. That means you are being authentic. Don’t ever compromise yourself to become bland and boring for the sake of the herd. 

PS- during that time in college, I ended up designing halloween costumes and it was perfect because all I had to do was illustrate them at home and bring them to the company. I got to do what I was good at. The perfect opportunities are out there for you when you stop compromising and stop doing what you hate.