Single-Minded

affection-anniversary-beautiful-633813

This is for all my single ladies and gents out there who are waiting for their true love.

I kept hearing this phrase “single-minded”. It has two meanings obviously, single on your mind and single minded “having or concentrating on only one aim or purpose” (google). 

I’ve been meeting a lot of ladies who have singleness on their mind. They are looking for their true love, their husband.

I have been single for 4 years, minus the dating spree I went on after breaking up with my ex. I knew he was not going to be my husband. We didn’t have any similar vision or calling in life.

For some reason, I actually feel quite peaceful about it. 

I think it’s because I have become single-minded – living with and for Jesus. 

This was not always the case. If anyone should be boy-crazed, drama filled or dysfunctional it should be me. If anyone should have a boat load of daddy issues, it should be me since I did not see my dad for 10 years; and still, I see him every few years. He lives in another country.

Yes, my former years in middle school and high school were filled with tears, heart ache, journals filled with love stories with imaginary boyfriends and celebrities. If anyone should still have love drama in my life, it should be me…I mean I was the one girl who stood across the street from a crush’s house and creepily watched him walk in his house everyday.

So why at this point of being single for 4 years am I so content and peaceful?

It took awhile for me to heal from my past relationships. My heart desired acceptance. My life was laden with rejection and abandonment issues that I felt unsafe and insecure. I felt like I was lacking and that I wasn’t enough.

I tried to find security in imaginary boyfriends or eventually real boyfriends.

Sometimes my security was anchored in a career, in my drive and type A personality.

Sometimes my security was anchored in how much I could do for others. This often led to burn out and sickness.

Sometimes my security was anchored in how productive I was or how accomplished I was.

I was also a mommy pleaser. I did things for my mom and others for acceptance and validation.

It took some time for God to break off those things from me. Slowly I found my voice, I found the voice to say “no”. I valued myself more. 

One day I woke up and unfriended and unfollowed every guy I ever dated or had feelings for.

I became “single-minded”. 

I didn’t want to play around with my destiny anymore. I wanted to be single-minded, to focus on the only one who already gave me true love and true validation. This one was named Jesus. He took me in His arms and whispered truths to me. He told me how much He loved me and how proud of me He was.

Yes, did I spend many holidays, new years, Christmas eve, Christmas alone?

Yes, but I wasn’t alone. God was with me and it was peaceful…no drama.

Did I find the silence sometimes confusing, unbearable? Yes.

Did I find myself going on walks feeling like I was always going to be in the stage I was in life? Yes.

Did I sometimes have negative thoughts that plagued me, speaking lies and telling me that I was “not enough”? Yes.

But Jesus was with me through it all. He helped me overcome all things and continues to do so. He is with me in the pain, the tears and the laughter. He is with me in all things. 

I was in a wilderness for the past 4 years, rebuilding my heart and following the still small voice. I was misunderstood, rejected and left for dead. But through it all, I became powerful in my spirit. Nothing could faze me. I was scorned by my own family members, accused when I was actually just following God.

The path that Jesus walks on is not always easy. It requires sacrifice.

But everything HE calls you to is worth it because you are always upgraded in your spirit, overcoming fear, anger, bitterness, grief. 

Suddenly you find yourself in the storm, sleeping peacefully while everyone is screaming for their lives.

That is the true single mindedness I’m talking about.

When you come to a place where you realize you are enough, you are not lacking, you are not single, you are whole in Christ Jesus. You are not a fragmented piece looking for your other half, you are a whole piece who will meet another whole piece.

Advertisements

Believing In the Moments That You Knew Love Existed

Small doodle!

I’m holding your hand, your shirt brushing against my arms. The smell of fresh laundry.

Love is, patient. Really, really, really patient. It is waiting when your body and heart feels dry, unloved, unarmed, like your body wants to run but it cannot, it does not know what the expression of the heart looks like. It does not know how to sing when the soul is dying or when to dance when I can only hear you whispering.

Whispering you are. You whisper with your glance, your gaze, your silence, your space and time. My seasons of growth, despair, joy and change have led me to pathways of seeing you for who you are. You, my friend, you my lover, you my family.

It is funny how we forget how human we are, how two people can be in love and know the secrets of God. Love, where no success or money can replace. Love, which is long-suffering, grueling, tiring at times, full of despair and desperation. Sometimes, love is full of moments, risk. Lots of risk is love, any moment your heart is pricked, any moment you feel you might fall into a deep cave of pain.

Though, I’ve found that life is short. We are not put on this earth to know the full extent of love, for we can only comprehend a tiny fraction of what it is. It is better to love and lost then to never have loved. Our human heart longs to defend, protect. Fear is the enemy of love. Fearing that you will lose someone you love is not love based on courage. Courage we must have in order to risk all we have for the ones that we love. A lonely life of protection will one day become a life of regrets.

For when we have loved, we have no regrets, because we know that we were capable of this divine thing called love. We experienced a spiritual awakening, we allowed our souls to dance and whisper secrets of the divine.

Perhaps you think that love is everlasting. Truly, love is everlasting. Love is not always felt, it can be a strong wave from the ocean and other times like a calm and peaceful stream. Love is like the tornado washing the debris of the past, fallen expectations and false understanding of who we are. It is a full force that shakes your heart, literally so that your whole being is being affected.

I feel deeply all emotions. I let pain go to the darkest places in my heart, I let joy seep through each molecules of my brain, I let love pull me in the direction I should go. Sometimes after the silent storm is over, the tears fall while I sit in my room, watering the crops of emotions and love. How can love even be described with words? Words will not suffice, for though you may have been hurt, over and over again, believe in the moments that you knew love existed. Believe in the moments where magic was in the air, where poetry was not enough to describe the existential trust and feelings you felt, where after your overthinking turned into nothing because trust was rebuilt.

I don’t claim to know the deep secrets of love, but I know how to express it. I know how to express through words, right now in time, how I feel and what I have experienced. It’s none of the easy bullshit the media shows us, love doesn’t form in 1.5 hours of movie time or simple romantic phrases and hymns, love is the decades our earth has been through, it is the art, the poems, the songs inspired by heartbreaks, joys of love, letting go, and realizing that wow, life is short, and all we can do is love even when we know it might hurt.

My love, love will hurt because it wouldn’t be love if there wasn’t risk involved. Love is a risky game. Love is what life is about, if you don’t master anything in life, master your heart to love unconditionally, even when it hurts. You’ll find that there is a greater being holding your heart.

No matter what your issues are, the issues stem from love, a lack of love and worth. Choose to believe in the moments that you were affirmed, you were loved. Don’t let the bad experiences taint your future. Believe in the moments that you knew love existed.