Lying on a Raft, Current Directing

I’m lying on a raft, I see faces staring at me from the land, with marks of white and red, eyes wide.

I’m relaxing while the rest holds weapons of fear, wondering whether to attack or not. But I’m far away and safe in the river and beds of waters.

What if, what if, what if..they ask?

I’m already there- but I’m peaceful as a bird. The what if’s have happened, and I’m laughing and dancing still. I’m not on land, only on waters, but the current is taking me where it will, not according to my will- but according to destiny.

There is a land inside of my soul, my temporary body. The waters are flowing and the greens are lush, trees grow and flowers bloom. My outward being ages each day, but my inward being ages with wisdom, growing stronger each day.

I love these 25 beautifully illustrated thought provoking questions-

http://www.marcandangel.com/2010/03/29/25-beautifully-illustrated-thought-provoking-questions/

Perhaps sometimes living requires a submission of your soul into the universe, allowing a higher being to lead you into your true destiny. Perhaps knowing that you’ll be alright and not caring about what people think.

Stop. All Way. Smell the Roses.

Taking a walk has become my new favorite hobby, it’s so enlightening.

Oh dear, what a week.

 I spent $1 in the last 2 days, pretty impressive.

 One night I really felt like dancing, so I called up a few friends and went out. We found FREE parking in Hollywood, I only spent $1 for tipping the bartender for water. It sounds pretty ridiculous, but this is my life now.

 You start to appreciate the small things though.

 Yesterday I was driving my roommate to the fashion show, we exited the wrong exit and suddenly I turned and saw this sign “Dick Church’s Restaurant”. I froze and started laughing uncontrollably. Lauren started cracking up because she thought it was funny how funny I thought the whole ordeal was. We saw a really cute coffee shop and I pointed it out.

 “If only we had money”- Lauren said.

I nodded.

“Yah I shouldn’t be swiping my credit card”- I said.

We nodded.

And then of course we started laughing.

“Jesus give us free coffee!” I cried out.

 When we got to the venue, the salon girl gave me a shot of expresso in a free coffee. Wow.

And then I got free subways because I was a designer. People think once you’re called “a designer”, you’re probably really loaded. It’s not true.

 I was so blessed yesterday, I even got a free swag bag with a black tank top I really needed. Sometimes I think, why am I still supporting two organizations when I can’t even pay for my own food. I’m not sure, but I’m trusting God to provide for something I can’t see yet.

 I had a dream the other night that I was in China and I had to go home on a train. However, it would cost $140 but I didn’t have the money. I freaked out.

 Another recollection of our life together:

Me driving.

Lauren and I were talking about being completely free from rent, living in a car perhaps.

“It would be so great to be free, to just focus on loving people”- She said.

 “Yah, I thought about buying a Volkswagen bus and road tripping. It’s a great place to sleep” – I said. Plus I can just bring all my musical instruments with me! I can busk and do all sorts of things.

 “Okay, but what about just have physical stability. Where do you poop and kitchen wise?” – I asked.

 “Oh yah, and where do we plug in our laptop?” – She said.

 “Oh yah.”

 “Oh. Nevermind. Haha”- she said.

I suppose it seems a bit pitiful the way we’re living, but I’m starting to appreciate it. It really motivates me to think creatively.

 “What can I sell to make some cash? Or what skills can I offer to make some cash?” I ask…

As long as I don’t have to sell my body, I’m willing to clean toilets and be a maid. I mean, at this point, you can’t really be proud. It’s sad that one time my friend said, “oh I didn’t think you would apply for a café job because you’re too above it”. I don’t ever want to become like that. That’s too pitiful….to become someone who is too proud to do ‘lowly’ things. That’s scary to me.

 You really lose the beauty and simplicities of life. If I sat around and had everything I wanted, I probably wouldn’t think outside the box. I don’t know what’s coming, but it’s been a prolonged journey of working, trying really hard, and well, sometimes finding little results. Yet, I keep persevering, knowing the prize is there…but also smelling the rose every moment, which is more important than attaining the prize. The prize is here.

The prize is having people to support you through it all.

Deep Uncovering – Living With Intention

Here goes another very deep blog entry. Be prepared!!!

As you know, I’m reading Life Entrepreneurs- I’m on chapter 3 “Discovering Core Identity”. I encourage EVERYONE to read this blog post because it may wake up a few on-lookers.

1. Having a Clear Sense of Who We Are 

“How can  we achieve such self-awareness? The process if one of ‘dis-covering,’ or removing the layers of sediment that obstruct our view- layers of ego, pride, ambition, and expectations that so often bury our own identity. It is a process that requires not only reflection but also action. Knowing oneself is usually an outcome of an iterative process of introspection, action, change, and reflection”. Setting out as a life entrepreneur means that you must have a clear sense of who you are. 

2. Digging Into the Past to Discover Future Revelation

“It may sound easy, but precious few of us mine the chapters of our personal story to inform and enrich our days. Most of us glance fleetingly at our history through a rearview mirror while charging into the future”.

The last couple of months of struggling and discovering have helped me to dig deeper into my past. Many of us live in denial. I know this, I lived in it for several years, only accidentally discovering wounds here and there, but never really facing them. It’s a lie to think that our past doesn’t affect our future. It does.

For example, my accomplishment driven self strove to become the best at everything in order to prove that I was worthy of love and acceptance. I was deprived of approval and thus, sought peoples’ approval. Then I realized that people who are empty themselves, have little love or acceptance to give themselves. A broken basket cannot give because all the eggs have fallen out. How did I know all this? I struggled through my experiences and gleaned new insights- I took time to analyze my response to the external, then meditated on my identity as God’s daughter. If I felt rejected, I heard God say “you are my daughter, I love you and have prepared a way for you”.

3. Self-actualization Above Physical Need (like money)

“…a musician must make music, an artist must paint, a writer must write if he/ she is to be ultimately at peace with himself. What a man or woman can be, he or she must be. This need we call self-actualization….”

“This speaks to why discovering our core identity is essential. Too many people lead a life that doesn’t cohere with their authentic essence. Too many see their true identity buried by external pressures, expectations, or circumstances, squashing their potential for authenticity and self- actualization

I was thinking about this woman who goes to work everyday, 5 days a week and have little social life. What an existence to live! What is to be said the day she lies in her grave? She worked many hours in her life, she was a hard worker. I don’t know if I would want that to be said about me when I’m at the end of my life.

4. Coming Alive

“Don’t worry about what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and do that. Because what the world needs are people who have come alive”– Howard Thurman

Today’s Conclusion 

After coming back from Australia, I had many people come up to me and tell me “you are so lucky, I wish I could travel…if I only had the money!” Actually, most people can travel with enough planning and mostly, courage to risk a secure life. I tell them, “well, be prepared to be butt broke when you come back, otherwise, it’s so worth it!” Of course, that’s not very encouraging….

But going on a trip that changed my life – is far more worth it than my security. In fact, I freak out when my life is too consistent, it scares me. My biggest fear is consistency and routine. It makes me feel trapped. I’m glad that my sometimes lonesome and traumatic childhood removed me from normal life and caused me to reach deeper and reflect when the outside world was out partying. I found solitude comforting and learned to become a listener and observer. Being a listener helped me to listen to my heart, other peoples’ hearts, and love myself and others even more. I listened and found the spiritual world. I listened and saw the crying and the dying. 

Today I still listen, that’s why I like music so much. When I listen to music, I imagine each note being played, I am imagining the venue, the live band, people. Music creates an internal reality which is externalized by dancing. Living with intention means that we have to dig deeper into our hearts and find the wounds that have created our current reality. Then we must heal, we must confide in trustworthy friends, journal, struggle- and let our reality become a miracle.

Alishan, Taiwan