I Try To Be Enough, But I Forget I’m Already Enough In God’s Eyes

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I tried to be enough. I tried to please my mother. I tried to be a good daughter. I tried to be a good friend. I tried all my life but I learned from God that I am enough. That when God sees me He only sees Jesus.

But it’s easy to forget and it’s easy for that voice of condemnation to say “you should feel bad because they are mad at you”, “you should feel guilty because you’re not doing enough”.

Their (whoever they are) happiness does not depend on you and other people are not your responsibility.

It’s hard when you are in ministry though, you start to feel their problems weigh down on you. And then multiply that with your own family. 

And then you just need to crawl into a safe space with Jesus and pile the non-responsibilities to one side and say “God it’s yours, not mine”. 

I am not responsible for my mother’s abandonment issues. I am not responsible for taking care of anyone. I am a prophet so I relay the message, but I am not a therapist. My job is to point people to Jesus. I am not anyone’s savior. 

Lord today take our burdens, show us how to rest in your grace. Your rest is perfect God, we are the ones who don’t know how to cast our burdens to you.

We think we are god and we try to figure everything out. Sometimes I try to be in control and I don’t even know it. I try to figure things out by asking God “what should I do now” instead of going with the flow….as if I’m not doing enough or I’m always on assignment. But what about me? What do I want. I forget that I have desires and that God works with my desires.

Your desires matter.

Period. 

Not for function or form, but just because you are meant to be happy. 

I’ve met so many women on the road and in LA that subjugate themselves to unhealthy marriages. They suppress their own desires to please their husband or stay in a marriage/ relationship that is abusive or void of any emotional connection. 

They’re shocked when I say “I heard ‘get a divorce'”.

But isn’t divorce a sin? They ask?

Isn’t being unloved in a unhealthy marriage a sin? It’s a sin to be unloved.

Okay, I just put it this way. No, Jesus died on the cross for your sins so that when God sees you, He only sees Jesus. So He does not see SIN in you anymore. HE WANTS YOU TO BE HAPPY AND DO NOT PUNISH YOURSELF FOR CHOOSING THE WRONG GUY. Sure they may change, but if they choose not to that’s another story. If he is abusing you, run. 

There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.

For some reason Christians think that it is okay to suffer for a long time when God actually wants you to be happy. We forget that. God actually is a good father who wants a good life for you. WHOA.

“I just have to pray more right?” One woman asked me.

“No, God said he is a rock weighing your ankles down”.

“Well I did not expect to hear that”.

A few months later one woman told me she found out her boyfriend was cheating on her.

Love is longsuffering, but don’t suffer for the wrong guy my friends. God does not call us to submit to people who are pigs. It says “don’t throw your pearl to pigs”.

Choose a man who will honor you and respect you.

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Prophetic Word: “God Hasn’t Forgotten You – Your Life Is Going To Explode”

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I don’t know who this is for but like me you may have gone through the wilderness of waiting and becoming….and hope deferred sometimes makes the heart sick…and maybe in the process you became angry and upset, you stopped hoping or dreaming, you saw other people flourish and you asked God “how about me?”

And maybe these people who were flourishing didn’t even know God, maybe they cheated others and had evil intent….they look like they are flourishing in the world, but are they really? No. God be the judge of things, but when you are filled with evil intent, you can’t truly be flourishing even when it looks like you are externally successful.

God hasn’t forgotten you. It is coming! You dreams are coming true. You do deserve happiness. Don’t give up. “I will make sure you will bear more children (dreams) than those who have a husband (the natural, works)”. God will supernaturally work miracles that no man or woman can ever do in their own flesh or efforts. Praise God! Sing barren women. You will no longer be barren.

I have been going through a process of redeeming my desires. For so long, I felt like I had to deny my desires. In the waiting season, I had to wait and just be with God. Though it was wonderful and healing, I felt a part of my heart develop some anger. I wanted the waiting to be over and I was angry that I had to wait that long. 

How come other people get to just get on with their lives? They don’t seem that dysfunctional God.

Don’t compare your process.

It’s time to let go of what you thought it should have looked like, it’s time to let go of the anger and the bitterness, it’s time to let go of expectations….because the the truth is GOD IS ABOUT TO WORK MIRACLES IN YOUR LIFE and NO MEN OR WOMEN will be ABLE TO TAKE CREDIT.

That is what He wanted all along, to DO MUCH MORE than you can with your earthly mind or hands. 

Yes, others have “flourished” externally with their own efforts, but what God is about to do doesn’t require any effort because it’s based on HIS LOVING GRACE TOWARDS YOU. HE WAS SAVING YOU ENERGY AND TIME because HE IS THAT GRACIOUS! 

Your life is about to explode. You just need to believe that you deserve it. You just need to allow your heart to receive.

This is my verse for the year. I believe that God wants to BE GLORIFIED in your life and that’s why HE IS GOING TO SHOW UP IN THE BIG WAY for those that BELIEVE in HIS ALL ENCOMPASSING GRACE. Then we will point to GOD, HE DID IT!

Isaiah 54 The Message (MSG)

Spread Out! Think Big!

54 1-6 “Sing, barren woman, who has never had a baby.
    Fill the air with song, you who’ve never experienced childbirth!
You’re ending up with far more children
    than all those childbearing women.” God says so!
“Clear lots of ground for your tents!
    Make your tents large. Spread out! Think big!
Use plenty of rope,
    drive the tent pegs deep.
You’re going to need lots of elbow room
    for your growing family.
You’re going to take over whole nations;
    you’re going to resettle abandoned cities.
Don’t be afraid—you’re not going to be embarrassed.
    Don’t hold back—you’re not going to come up short.
You’ll forget all about the humiliations of your youth,
    and the indignities of being a widow will fade from memory.
For your Maker is your bridegroom,
    his name, God-of-the-Angel-Armies!
Your Redeemer is The Holy of Israel,
    known as God of the whole earth.
You were like an abandoned wife, devastated with grief,
    and God welcomed you back,
Like a woman married young
    and then left,” says your God.

7-8 Your Redeemer God says:

“I left you, but only for a moment.
    Now, with enormous compassion, I’m bringing you back.
In an outburst of anger I turned my back on you—
    but only for a moment.
It’s with lasting love
    that I’m tenderly caring for you.

9-10 “This exile is just like the days of Noah for me:
    I promised then that the waters of Noah
    would never again flood the earth.
I’m promising now no more anger,
    no more dressing you down.
For even if the mountains walk away
    and the hills fall to pieces,
My love won’t walk away from you,
    my covenant commitment of peace won’t fall apart.”
    The God who has compassion on you says so.

11-17 “Afflicted city, storm-battered, unpitied:
    I’m about to rebuild you with stones of turquoise,
Lay your foundations with sapphires,
    construct your towers with rubies,
Your gates with jewels,
    and all your walls with precious stones.
All your children will have God for their teacher—
    what a mentor for your children!
You’ll be built solid, grounded in righteousness,
    far from any trouble—nothing to fear!
    far from terror—it won’t even come close!
If anyone attacks you,
    don’t for a moment suppose that I sent them,
And if any should attack,
    nothing will come of it.
I create the blacksmith
    who fires up his forge
    and makes a weapon designed to kill.
I also create the destroyer—
    but no weapon that can hurt you has ever been forged.
Any accuser who takes you to court
    will be dismissed as a liar.
This is what God’s servants can expect.
    I’ll see to it that everything works out for the best.”
        God’s Decree.

You Deserve Happiness

you-deserve-happinessWe are all a little fucked up.

We have issues.

Even the most put together people have issues, they just don’t parade them around Instagram.

Recently I received this revelation that I was basically believing that I didn’t deserve happiness because of my past, because of bad decisions in the past, in my relationship.

So no I don’t believe in karma, I believe in forgiveness. If I believed in karma, then I really don’t deserve happiness and actually all of us are doomed. I believe in grace and forgiveness.

But see I didn’t dig that deep before, it was too painful.

I realized that my unforgiveness of self had caused me to close myself up to all potential suitors. It’s not because there aren’t suitable mates (and obviously there are plenty of unsuitable ones online), it’s because I didn’t think I deserved to be happy.

Do you need to forgive yourself for somethings in your life? 

Sometimes we do things out of our brokenness but we don’t realize we are basing our truth on a lie.

“Why won’t this part of my life WORK ALREADY!” you try to work everything out externally but it just won’t give….maybe it’s finance, maybe it’s your relationship with your parents, maybe it’s your relationship, maybe it’s your health, maybe it’s your career, you’ve exhausted all your options, you’ve tried everything….

I dare you to look within. 

Look back to your earliest or most recent memory of when you heard a lie, even if it was self-made “I’m not enough, I’m not good enough, I don’t deserve this”…..

Did someone tell you you’re not enough by disappearing, by neglecting you?

The answer isn’t outside of you, it’s inside.

It’s within your soul.

You deserve happiness. 

PS- we make decisions based on the condition of our hearts so often our decisions are fear driven because we are looking for stability. That is why it is so important to forgive ourselves and love ourselves because our actions are simply a reflection of the condition of our hearts at that moment.

 

 

What Is Happiness?

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Catba Vietnam

10 years later I find myself sitting at the orthodontist and looks me straight in the eyes “wear your retainers 24/7”, I’m like are you serious? And then I get some hot cheetos, my favorite magnum ice cream and some horchata, none of which is that healthy, but enjoying these snacks while walking a mile home, I suddenly am filled with delight.

I was always easily amused growing up.

In fact, you could put me in my room and I’d play with my barbies with a whole day, making up stories and have them talk to each other. 

I could spend days on end imagining and living in my own world. I was happy.

Then all of a sudden, I found myself comparing my life with others. Well, they have a bigger house, oh I need a cell phone too? The truth was, I was already content because my mind was filled with fascinating delights. But as I got older, I started to see that “success”, you know by means of hustle was important to 99% of people. Though my mom encouraged the arts, teaching us piano, sending us to cello lessons, at the end of the month, the stress of bills seemed to outweigh the joy of creating.

I found myself wanting to help, to be independent. I worked all throughout college, my parents didn’t have to pay one cent of my college tuition. I climbed the corporate ladder, only to very fast, find out I hated it. And I hated structure because I needed my own space to create and to be myself. 

What frustrates me with human beings these days is that they see sitting at a desk, being unhappy a sign of productivity.

What frustrates me with human beings these days is that it never seems to be enough.

What frustrates me with human beings is that they (or I) often worry about tomorrow when today is just as beautiful and the human beings you love are right in front of you, while you are staring at your Iphone trying to figure out when your next client will call.

So in the midst of being a walking sage these days, I find myself saying hello to animals, plants, finding potholes, secret pathways, stairs, and I’m fascinated, I’m excited, I’m overwhelmed with the beauty that is all around me and I’m happy. 

What has it cost me to be happy?

  1. Getting rid of my car
  2. Not having a sim card
  3. Letting spirit lead.
  4. The need to control
  5. Having a lot of friends who don’t really know me.

It’s an act of returning to childlike joy, and though it cost me a great deal, reverting to who I am, a creative and joyful child, I am filled with the delight of God.