There are days where I slip into emotional darkness, for a minute I can feel the darkness.
But in that moment, God speaks to me. It breaks the darkness. All the lies go away.
These emotional darkness comes when I feel sad that my dad doesn’t talk to me. I start focusing on that, and I feel like I am lacking (he lives in Taiwan and I live in America, my parents divorced when I was 8 years old so I didn’t see him for 10 years and he doesn’t really talk to me. I fly to Taiwan to reach out to him. It’s for me, it’s not for him. It’s for me to heal, not necessarily for him. But the pain is real when I open up, and he doesn’t).
The lies that are attached to that are many- it’s my fault he doesn’t talk to me, I am not enough, I am less than, I need to do more.
The Lies- If I just do more, achieve more- people would see I’m worth loving, they would show love to me. If just look more beautiful, skinnier, they would notice me. If I just speak louder, they’d notice me. If I change who I am, they’d accept me.
I’ve tried everything before myself but realize that I was loved for who I wasn’t. It was never enough, it was exhausting. I realized I needed to just accept myself as I am in Christ, that He made me whole via the cross.
I was complaining to God, I feel like I don’t always want to be the one to ask people for donations, I want people to give without being asked.
Yesterday I was at a restaurant and felt led to sit at the bar and there was a handsome sushi chef. We talked a bit. He left for break, and I was wondering where he went. He came back once and then left again. I waited because I wanted to tell him he was handsome, but he didn’t come back. I felt foolish for being brave.
But as I was explaining the scenario to my friend I suddenly realized that is how I feel with my dad. I am constantly brave. Last year the Lord told me to go to Taiwan, and I literally told my dad to pick me up from the airport the day before. I had been messaging him for 7 months with no reply. That’s when he finally responded. Yes, he would pick me up.
Imagine, so messed up right?
But God I’m not brave anymore and I don’t want to be. It’s not fair. It’s unfair.
I get angry when people suggest that I reach out to him. I’ve been reaching out to him my whole life.
Don’t you think it’s a little unfair to push the responsibility on a kid?
God I’ve gone around this mountain long enough and this is what you said.
“You’re not waiting for your dad to love you, you’ve always been enough, you’ve always had enough love. I have always been enough love for you.
The devil always makes you think you are lacking love, affection, but you actually have enough and you are enough.
If you look to people, it’ll never be enough. I am enough for you.”
I am enough.
Humans can never give you the love that you need to feel like you are enough, but Jesus died on the cross for you to be enough. He took on every blemish on the cross to make you whole.
He says “you are my daughter, son. You are enough. Come to me and cast all your cares on me”.
It’s not your fault they left. It’s not your fault that they betrayed you. It’s not your fault that they chose not to love you.
God told me to tell my dad how I felt so I did, was it easy? No. I just wrote him. Have no idea if he will read it.
If you grew up with an absent or abusive father, I pray the Lord heal your heart. Psalm 68:5 says, “Father of the fatherless and protector of widows, is God in his holy habitation.”
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