Born Unique

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I cant stop thinking about why some people are born certain individuals and why i was born so unique. Its hard to accept my path I guess…is it pride or inadequacy? Maybe it’s fear, or maybe it’s sympathy for others, or maybe it’s envy? Or maybe it’s all. I can’t wrap my head around this.

I will forever grapple for it. Or have simple faith that there is a purpose for everything. Sometimes I wish I could be okay with settling, with being complacent…but after 10 seconds I change my mind and take it back God. I wouldn’t want to be anyone else.

I wouldn’t want to walk any other path. Though I am walking towards the unknown, my God is bigger than my small fears. Though I can’t see the good things that will come about, the wonders of new culture and change, right now, all I can think about is the friends and family I’m leaving behind.

Random Clip from Magic 2010 Feb:

A Sweet Sweet Goodbye- Reflecting Written Scribbles

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:Picture I took while driving, after the rain.

As you all know, I am a vigorous journaler (that’s not a legit word). If everything burns down in my house, I know the things that are most important to me (besides my family members of course) are my journals. 10-20 books, small and big, furry covered, some plain, some colorful, some self- decorated, some given as gifts, but all so precious to my soul, they carry the hurts and joys of my life….the long life that I’ve seem to live at 22.

August 07 Japan- saying goodbye to Japanese students

“I dont even know what the date is, but its the last day of camp. Its the first night I’ve really noticed the stars- I can’t help crying, it was 7 weeks of my life and once again I’m bawling. My stomach hurts. Maybe no one cares. Maybe I don’t mean that much to them, but in my heart they take a special space. God its a sweet sweet goodbye. I don’t know if this will happen everytime- But it seems to. And I know time will pass- a simple memory.”

November 13, 08 Utter Turmoil, Music To describe. Unexpressed.

“Can anything describe the pain I’m going through? We’re so put together, all of us.

Every single person walking on this earth…she keeps denying the pain in my heart. Everytime I express my hurt, my feelings, she rebuttals with “but…you know you shouldn’t”. Everything she says is bad. Why am I so worried about my career. Aren’t we just longing for acceptance, fulfillment, significance, importance, belong, recognition, love? The more I cover it, the more it hurts, then something small happens and everything is triggered, comes spilling out. She won’t acknowledge anything I express to her, it has brought me to a place I want to shut my self forever and just die in the earthquake B. told me about today.

Solomon was so right. Everything is vain, in vain. The good times we have will only lead us to heartache, slowly our hearts covering layers and layers of pain. Even the most uncry-able people, they probably have the deepest hurts. God it hurts so much I can’t stop crying, my eyes are pulsing steadily, unyielding.

Even as I fall, I am reminded of how dangerous living a righteous life could be. I’m FALLING APART, but wishing I’ll never be put together again, because then at least, I don’t have to unconsciously live a put together life. Even

if I’m fallen pieces, at least I’ll continue to know to rely on God, when I’m put together- I remember the brokenness and even share about it. But soon a glass window rises up, dust gathers, and a small facade, things in my heart gather. When we think we’re at our best, something slowly creeps up on us.

The accumulation of stress. Trying to find fulfillment in my job. Promoting myself, improving my skills, reaching the Bible, talking to God on the surface, bitterness towards my ma, and at worst, verbalizing and apologizing-

BUT having it waved off. Deep down I long for recognition. I want people to recognize the beauty of my music. But in the process of that I’m playing music out of my flesh, not by the Spirit. Remember how I used to play cello for auditions and pray. I would tell God, “I know you gave me this gift, and it’s yours, not mine, so put me where you’d want me”. I FORGOT THAT COMPLETELY. I didnt even pray. I didn’t even think of it being God’s. I knew I had played out of my own human power and skill- DEAD. SO DEAD. It was not the same when I asked and recognized God’s divine beauty and enablement for beauty to flow out of creating music….it is a sort that touches your heart, where your whole life, your experience, your brokenness, sufferings, joys, confusions, your life is simply poured out into the music….it is poured and flowing through my music into peoples’ hearts.

This is not something normal people would understand where technique and skills is the sole indicator of musicianship- where music is simply about notes, rhythm, the exact and the precise. They forget without heart, without passion, without emotions, without pain and laughter, without a life fully lived and felt, music would be a simple commercial product. Music would be stripped of the story behind it, of the story weaved into it…I know, even now, I cannot write or even think of writing something like this, without the Spirit having inspired and putting words in my mind.”

December 30.08

“Vision keeps breaking through and must find means of expression”

“But the only way we can brush against the hem of the Lord, or hope to be part of the creative process, is to have the courage, the faith, to abandon control”

May 7, 09

“I have seen the depressing depressions of those that have it all. They are not as happy as I. I am even more content than them. At times, I see them grasping for meaning, I have already found my meaning and purpose. Now I think about it, God is hilarious. He picks a college student who has nothing. Nothing to lose, to give advice and counsel to those that are business women and men, grandma and grandpas, gansters, 30 to 70 year old “Adults”….what do they have to offer me that I didn’t already receive from God? It is laughable. Yet somewhat too humbling to think God is all about using the weak to lead the strong….

I am a dead woman walking.”

*********These 3 months I am going to attempt to type up all the journal entries just in case their is a fire.

Forgive me for not facing pain

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Faded voices, unable to speak. Instruments banging on my head, frustration convulsing.

Nobody raises your voices. Just another night to stare deep into the moon. It only takes one moment…that reminds you

of your inadequacy, the pain subsiding and convulsing, reminding you of things you don’t want to remember. A missing link, an absent aroma that never showered confetti upon a cherished heart.

Nobody raise your voices, I’m just another hollowed being. I cant speak enough, the words aren’t good enough. So i just stare a little harder, hoping that face to face, we will face pain. Rain showers. Shutters, flashes, shoes, curtains, watches, i remember you by the watch. This shop was gone long ago. We shut it down, one by one.

I’ve gambled away all my thoughts, hoping these seed scattered grows one day. Into flourishing greens. Birds can sing and flowers can dance. Until then, let me laugh a little and let go of this inhibition that binds me. Society, at its best. I’m choosing to sing down Colorado, with my umbrella held high, melodies only i can understand. Catching in the wind. She smiles at me.

Maniac. Nobody raise their voices when they’re alone. I’ve listened to this song a hundred times and walked this rugged path a million. Singing when I can’t. Bloody with wounds of despair and pain. Too deep to understand myself. Faces, ugly momentums of cars, rain, and blood. Bring me hope when I can’t. Every time I drink in this experience, I am reminded I have one hope. And then i can laugh again.

Scattered Thoughts

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There were times I stifled myself, fearing I would take others’ opportunities to speak-only to realize that they are unable or fearful of speaking for themselves. Thus, I speak for them, bearing both the praise and criticism for their sake.

Fate- I believe in fate. For all the things, all the people I’ve ever met made me who I am today. In the end, despite my circumstances or the broken environment I grew up in, I made a choice to believe in Christ, who has made all the difference.

And then for some more random thoughts- THIS VIDEO ROCKS so much that I couldn’t help being googley eyed and imagining myself rocking on the streets. It’s the same song/band as my previous posting- but just better.

Rey Aquino- The Next Edgy Menswear of This Generation (Rude Boys and English Gents)

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Fall/Winter Collection called “Rude Boys and English Gents”.
Website: http://www.reyaquinodesigns.com

I had the opportunity to interview Rey Aquino regarding his design background and his views on leadership. He is an amazing and talented fashion designer- take a look at his website!

1. How did you get into the fashion business? Have you always wanted to be a fashion designer?

I started designing one of a kind garments specializing in men’s jackets and had local musicians wear them on stage. People in the audience began to notice and ask the musicians where did you get that jacket? I had such a great response that when I decided to take fashion seriously.

I always had fashion in the back of my head but put it aside to become a graphic designer. After years of doing graphic design and took it as far as I can go. I wanted to do something different and decided to do my other passion which is fashion.

2. What qualities do you look for in people that you hire?

Number one in my list is great work ethics and someone that I can depend on. Always on top of things, prompt and full of energy. Along with technical skills as well as creativity.

3. Do you consider yourself a leader? How do you lead in your business?

I don’t consider myself as a leader for I have a business partner in which we both lead on all aspects of the business. I would consider myself as a builder if anything.

4. What do you think are the top qualities to be an entrepreneur and fashion designer?

Passion, smarts, energy, balance, knows branding and marketing, creativity, outgoing personality, knows what they want and knows how to get it, persistent, and wise.

5. What are the biggest challenge of being in the fashion industry?  What are the best rewards about being in the fashion industry?

Biggest challenge is finding the right manufacturer that you can depend on and trust, especially if you’re making garments domestically. Seeing your garments being worn by the public. Meeting and learning different people from the fashion industry. Knowing that you put your heart and soul to a collection and finally releasing it to the public to see on the runway and stores,
gives me such a rush.

6. For you personally, how do you scout talent in the fashion industry? How do you differentiate one person from another?

Knowledgeable about the industry both technically and creatively. Experience is a must, but if I see a talented person that is self taught and never went to school for fashion. That shows great potential in skills they developed on their own like sewing
and pattern making. I would give this person a chance to work for me. When I’m interviewing people I can tell just by hearing them talk how passionate and dedicated they are to their talents and skills.

If I had orange hair

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LOOK AT THE FAB 3 STOOGES, BEATLES WIG I FOUND IN MY MOM’s ROOM. AHAHAHAHAHHAAHHA.

My intrigue with wigs have officially begun.

Who said Kewpie doesn’t eat Pho? Today’s pho at Pho 76 on Garfield was freaking bomb. Plus I had a 20% coupon. Then Chelsea and I ate Bin Bin Conjac on Valley. Good stuff. Gotta eat less cuz I got Pilates tomorrow.

Been putting off the essay…TODAY I BURNED MY FIRST CD EVER! Because, I kept thinking it was illegal. But since I’m listening to it myself, it won’t matter since it’s my own property from my itunes.

I was writing the song titles down: Together it would look like this, which I found hilarious

Doo Wop. Imma Be. I Got a Feeling. Missing You. Breath On Glass. Cigarette. First of the Gang to Die. Stay Gold. Heartbreaker. Step Back. I Stay in Love. Love Comes. (Some Alicia Keyes song). Thanx 4 Nothin. This One. So You Can Cry. Bleeding Love.

On a side note, I haven’t been driving my car since my car is roofless, of course the fabricky part is still there, but the metal part flew off on the freeway. Apparently, I was driving too fast. It’s $150 to replace that metal. So I’m going to wait for the weather to be sunny…

Now

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Now.

People. People are those that stay by you and leave. Balloons that sway one direction and the next thing you know, gone, into the air. Onto another land.

Now. Is the time.

A year ago we prayed that God would use us to touch peoples’ lives. You are only a phone call away. I, am leaving this familiar terrain. We keep wishing. Wishing. Wish we do, pray we do. Then, all of a sudden, our lives are changed overnight. And then we almost wish that we didn’t wish. Because wishing sometimes leads to reality. So I beg myself. Please, enjoy now.

Now. Is passing me.

Just as I write.

Now. Is when I have the ability to grasp and change my situation. Now is a gift granted that I must take, with vision of the future, imagining something bigger with the small now that is taking place. Now has everything to do with next and the future. Everything that we do now forms and molds the future that we will one day say “now” is “today”.

Crying for joy, crying for grief. Crying as though I had never cried. In front of people I never cried before. Grief has taken a hold and floodgates spreading forth. I am prouder than I know, weaker than I think, frailer than I’ll ever conceive. Standing ground, finding balance, finding stability, yet flying forth, wings renewed, stronger than I’ve ever been. Today’s the day.

Now. I think back and unbelief blinds me. Eyes a wallow, shoulders soft, chairs tipping over, people in awe galore. Dancing to the lime light when no one else dares. Laughing loud when all’s a silent. I have the right to be f*** up sometimes, inhibition freed, as though I’ve never dared to touch those emotions stored up, venting.

Now. Confiding. I never did, I never faced the emotions. Skipped over, turned around, neglected, abandoned, the child growing up. Cracks, crackles, smiles, bloated faces, why not, why, why not, why. They questioned like birds on top of a building, nodding back and forth, not knowing, questioning, always questioning…but never reaching a conclusion. I spew answers, I spew truth, and I’m the best preacher you’ve met in town, though I too, am just as lost. Just decided to answer the call, that’s all.

Now. Abide.

Pirouette Photography Shoots

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Last Friday I got to shoot with Teresa Yu Fung, a friend of mine who has kicked off her freelance career as a photographer. We shot at Burbank around the shopping centers. It was really fun experimenting with poses, clothes, and angles.  Take a look at the preview shots. More to come! http://www.pirouettephotography.com/

*I made the skirt in the first photo. I’m also carrying Kewpie doll. 😉 By the way, did I mention how tiring modeling is? It is very tiring, I’m very impressed by professional models.

Credits: Photographed by Teresa Yu Fung. Wardrobe Styling by Rebekka Lien.

I write things i cannot fathom.

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Angels and demons battle to win the hearts of mankind. He has already won. For no man or woman can truly fathom how lost they are. As I walk around, I can only think amidst my solitude…observing empty selves with hard shells, empty selves with glitter on top, empty selves stabbing others with words. My heart is filled with sorrow, but sustained by true joy.

22 years. I sit, watch, observe.

Planet M. Palm trees. Riched raw. Hate. Identity, spite, bitterness, orange, red

Blood of greed, letters b, H,g J. The world walks with complacency.

I am only, 1 person.

Drunkenness. Panasonic, lights.

It is a sad, sad world. I lament, weep, and mourn.

I cry out for them, but what can 1 person do.

They are empty, limb, limp, I can’t stand, prada, pucci, prada.

1 person can do anything, the angels have chosen an observant heart, one that refuses to conform to pitiful standards, pitiful self- righteousness, pitiful minds. I am too, just another person.

“Dont be deceived, my brothers and sisters. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created”- James 1:16-18