I Found Love At The Abbey

I had a dream there were 5 sewing needles in my heart and I was taking them out one by one and throwing them in the trash. They hurt really bad. There were a few girls doing that too.

In the dream I am dancing with gay men.

This happened yesterday.

A lot of Christians tell me what I should do to be fixed. They tell me I need to go to church but I can’t seem to explain to them God leads me to what I need when I need it. Church is organic, not forced. I have close Christian friends but I also am led to people. But why should I explain that to people. Yesterday I realized their questions made me feel lack and unqualified.

I am whole and enough in God’s eyes because of Jesus sacrifice.

People think they are in the clear if they are attending a building. You are not saved by church attendance.

I had been heavily attacked and persecuted by conservative Christians who didn’t understand the Holy Spirit leading me in my life.

People kept saying you need to find family that loves you as you are.

But I was tired of talking, and I was tired of people, and I was tired of religion (people telling me what to do).

I found family not in a building but in people and I have that.

I wanted to be free.

Yesterday the Lord told me to go to pasadena and I had to pee so I went to Starbucks. I met a couple. The wife wasn’t Christian and the husband was.

We talked for over an hour and I felt free. Partly because she wasn’t Christian.

I was relieved, I wasn’t going to have someone judging me.

I was able to love her and I saw her playing piano. She told me she majored in piano.

The husband had tears in his eyes when I told him my story. We all held hands and prayed. I held their baby.

I felt safe with the baby. The baby wasn’t going to attack me with words.

I was so tired of being attacked by other Christians.

I was glad I didn’t need to explain myself. I felt safe with them. The guy said “yes I totally understand, you are a moving church”. People tell you to go to church when deep down they actually don’t feel loved or like family there. Why do people force it? Instead of allowing God to bring the right people into their lives.

That night I met another guy who grew up catholic.

And then I heard go to the abbey.

My heart’s desire. It’s a gay club and I love it there. I am free to dance and be myself. No religious spirit telling me what to do.

I immediately felt a tap on my shoulder. Yes, I went by myself. Two gay men started to dance with me. They didn’t ask me “what church do you go to” like what Christians usually ask and then I have to explain how God leads me…..because going to church becomes a form of works and qualifications, whereas you’re supposed to know you are enough in Christ Jesus.

It’s actually religion. Not relationship. It’s also not a fruit of the spirit. Someone once said “I have the test the spirit by asking you which church sent you”.

You can go to a great mega church but be a satanist.

Anyways We smiled and talked.

Later I was just dancing and enjoying myself.

I met these very buff men who kept dancing in circles. It was funny to watch.

Near the stage I met a man who I knew there was something. We talked. He told me he grew up catholic. We took pictures of each other.

Everyone told me I was beautiful. They didn’t ask me I wasn’t qualified, they affirmed me.

I didn’t have to explain why I didn’t have one church. Again if God has told me to go to a specific church every Sunday I would, but He hasn’t. Probably because He knows people would try to tell me what to do, or they’d control what Holy Spirit is doing through me.

My friend and I once laughed when we said haha imagine telling another Christian God told us to go to the abbey.

I explained my journey with this gay guy from Texas. I said him playing piano and he said “omg it’s my favorite instrument”.

Two guys came out and said “who are you? You’re so beautiful. You okay? We love you”. I said I loved them too and hugged them.

I always felt protected at a gay club. They loved me and didn’t need explanation. I felt safe there. I loved them without explanation.

I dropped my friend off at mickey’s. I wanted to stay but it was getting late. I hugged him and said “I love you”.

I don’t feel safe in most churches, because they don’t love you for who you are. They’re constantly trying to change you. Some especially don’t understand that Jesus is my covering, not man. They try to control me or try to understand how the Holy Spirit works in my life, but instead they try to control me with religion….when I am already whole in Christ Jesus.

But God’s love is redemptive, it doesn’t ask questions to qualify you, it is embracing.

I found love at the abbey. Now I understand why a lot of Christians actually don’t understand God’s love. God’s love doesn’t qualify people through their actions, He loves people unconditionally.

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I Was Hurt By The Church

I didn’t know how to speak up…I tried to fit in but no matter how hard I tried, it was never enough.

I was a youth leader, a worship leader, a Sunday school teacher.

I was at church from 6 AM to 5 PM (from what I can recall, it was like a full time job on sundays, with overtime, and completely no pay).

I mean I don’t know why no one noticed that I was burnt out.

Probably because everyone was burning out. When God told me to leave the church, people asked me why I didn’t go to them for prayer and confirmation. God’s voice was so clear and loud.

He said it’s time to go, you’ve reached a ceiling here.

I wanted to show the youth that they didn’t have to conform. I didn’t want them to go through What I had to go through.

If I could just save a few young people from the religious structures and limitations of the church, then I would feel like I did my job.

But I was suffocating.

My time at the baptist church ended with being accused of not taking care of the sheep, when I was actually taking care of lost sheep I brought to church. Everyone just wanted my attention because I was good with people. I listened and cared but I didn’t listen to my own needs.

My desire to be liked made it impossible to say no.

I was told by another leader that I had choosing a path towards destruction as I was “different” and used words like mantra. I was also teaching yoga and meditation.

Basically the leaders I trusted turned their backs to me and I didn’t know how to speak up. I felt silenced. I explained myself but it wasn’t enough to avert the judgments.

When I left the church people asked me if I was OK as if I had completely lost my way and maybe turned to the dark side.

Who knows maybe they thought I was fornicating and smoking cigarettes.

Maybe I had become a Satanist.

I mean to religious folks, If you didn’t go to church you were stumbling down a rocky mountain. You were barely clinging onto Jesus. Maybe you were like Judas, the betrayer.

Because they would say well you don’t have accountability. But accountability usually meant gossiping with one another about other people.

I had close Christian friends- that was my accountability. But why did I need to explain that to anyone?

A lot of people stop going to church because they feel like they have to conform and be someone that they’re not.

I am God’s church, and so are you.

The church is not a building it is people.

I am not perfect either.

I have hurt other people too.

You are made righteous by the blood of Jesus, not through your works.

I found a lot of churches suffocating because they preached the law. They preached be a good Christian by doing the right thing, being kind to people, by praying more or reading the Bible more.

But none of that was grace.

you are made righteous by the blood of Jesus.

Over the years and because of my upbringing where I had to suffocate my emotions I found it hard to feel how I felt in the moment. Sometimes the hurt would bubble up months or even years later.

Now I cry easily, much more easily.

God has taken me on a journey of healing as well as pastoring those who have been hurt by the church.

None of us are perfect but because of Jesus sacrifice we are made righteous by His blood.

We are in a season where we are learning to be vulnerable; to not be afraid to speak our truth, no matter how ugly it sounds.

Our fear of speaking up needs to be confronted and overcome. That is your Goliath. Who have you not confronted and what have you not spoken up about? 

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Living Life On The Edge

An Uber rider who grew up catholic Christian who felt accused by people. I said he was righteous in God’s eyes because of Jesus sacrifice.

What’s normal? I find my heart feeling all kinds of things. I feel it being bombarded by all kinds of people.

Are you sure God? Can I trust you with my heart? Do you know what you are doing? Because I sure feel out of control.

Recently the Lord had me start driving uber and my first rider was a drunk girl. She was Christian and had been drinking from 9am to 4pm and barely knew if it was day or night. I held her hands and prayed truth over her. I told her I loved her.

God told me to take her home but I didn’t have her home address and the address was set to another bar.

I always wanted to try uber but never had the guts to. The first day I was so paranoid that I was driving too slow and I got mad at myself for missing an exit. I was apologizing a lot but then realize people actually trust me.

I was also a bit traumatized by my moped accident in Bali in 2014 so automatic transportation freaked me out a bit. But driving has always been a hobby of mine.

The second girl was also Christian and from Romania. She said she missed home. She had blue hair and was like a mermaid. I told her I saw her singing and dancing on stage and she told me she loves singing.

Then I had a Colombian and white male ask for my number. The next day he wanted to hang out with me but then wrote some obscene stuff like “let’s f$&@”, then tried to offer me money for it. When he called he said he was just kidding.

Then later I decided to tell him that it’s not okay for a man to speak to a woman like that. He said his friend stole his phone. I said I am not going to sleep with him as I am waiting for marriage to have sex.

I was a bit traumatized. I didn’t sign up for this God.

But I spoke my truth. He apologized and I said I forgave him but could not trust him as I barely knew him. But I said Jesus died for his sins did he believe? He said yes.

I just woke up from a dream where there was a house built in the desert and this house no one would annoy. There would be no neighbors but I thought wouldn’t it be lonely? Then I dreamed my friends and I picked a squid to eat and kill but I wondered if it’s safe to eat because it wasn’t cooked. Then I found myself in England and wanted to explore all of Europe but wondered if I had time.

Yesterday I met Jewish/catholic friends, a Christian who felt condemned by his father, and a Jewish woman who bought soup for her mother. I also met a woman who converted from Christian to Jewish.

I also delivered an unknown package that might have been drugs but turned out to be a fixed phone. I really wanted to open it.

God can I trust you with my heart? When I went to South Africa I was ministering to 20-30 people on the road but now I don’t have to walk as much anymore. I just pick people up but I have to trust God with my life.

I feel a bit out of control because I have to multi-task. I have to drive, make sure I don’t run anyone over, and navigate uncharted territory and roads.

It freaks me out a bit, then I have to talk, and sometimes I’m holding their hands and praying over them.

I’m starting to see everything I’ve wanted to do in my life was going to be a ministry.

Taking uber was a ministry, driving was a ministry, what else do I want to do? I want to try being a wedding officiant, then I want to busk on the streets with my cello, play on a cruise, go to Mexico City, I mean the list is really long. All of those things are desires from the Lord to be vehicles for His name to be known and for me to testify of His grace.

If we are open to living life on the edge, we will do incredible feats and miracles to set people free from fear, condemnation and guilt.

I’ve told my testimony everyday.

And I’ll keep doing it, because Jesus is the one who set me free from fear.

Lost Sheep Found

I felt like I had to get out the house. I felt in n out for some reason.

I went through drive through and kept hearing God say slow down, eat inside. So I did.

I sat down at the bar area, and kept hearing buy a house. I said how?

But then I met a man who was a real estate agent and I said he should be an actor.

Later another man came and immediately I heard “he’s a lost sheep”.

I asked what he was eating and we ended up having a similar story and background. He told me how his dad passed away a few years ago. This has been the theme in the last couple of days; I’ve already met 4 men that lost their father. And God has been using me to minister to their hearts and show them they are not orphans.

We talked for awhile about relationships and life.

Anyways I asked him for a donation and he got really defensive. So I asked him why? He said a lot of people on Facebook barely know him and ask for donations. God said ask for $1, so I did. He said he didn’t have cash.

Then I said do you feel used by people?

Yes.

I said God wanted me to push that out of you. I said I felt really used by people and didn’t want to give anymore but God opened my heart to give again.

Recently God asked me to give a large amount of money to a friend in need but I struggled with it because I didn’t believe she earned it but God showed me everything is given by grace, not by my works and that I should freely receive and not try to work for it.

When I did give I felt a release in my heart where I was able to forgive those that hurt me.

I said I’m going to a wedding salon. He said is it important that you get married, he laughed. God said ask him about that topic.

He said….well it’s because I’ve been divorced and there’s a lot going into it.

It’s more than just romance.

I layed hands on him and prayed for him. I said Jesus is pulling every arrow of death and accusation all words that have been spoken over him. I said he is enough and not lacking in God’s eyes.

I didn’t realize asking for donations actually trigger people’s insecurities.

So whatever you have an emotional reaction to it’s triggering something deeper.

I told him how my mom also yells at me but I know she loves me. I prayed and told him Jesus loves him very much.

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I Felt Abandoned By God

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I was talking to my friend on the phone and said “I get impatient with people (I’m training) who are pioneering because when I had to pioneer, I had no one next to me, I tell people ‘at least you have me'” but I have no patience sometimes.

She said “are you angry because you had to do it alone?”

“Yes” and I felt a wave of nausea wash over me. I felt a deep pain in my heart and start crying. Yes, I felt like God abandoned me even though I was serving Him in faith and love, even though I knew He loved me and I loved Him but I went through the hardest time in my life.

Times on the road where I didn’t know if I had money for the hostel for the next day, where I had to ask people for a meal, where I had to ask for donations on the road while prophesying over them. I was like Paul, except I’ve never been shipwrecked, though I almost threw up in Samoa on a local boat. I went through times where I didn’t know where I was going to sleep and had to confront people and pray for them, then be shut down and persecuted. Times when religious people judged and persecuted me when I tried to tell them about grace or followed the holy spirit. I went through 20 countries in 1.5 years and somehow survived. 

In two weeks in New Zealand, I stayed at 14 different hostels. Each time wherever He led me, I was testifying of Jesus and the freedom of the holy spirit. I would land and God would tell me I was staying with someone but I had to rest in the fact that He already had my pillow and bed lined up for me.

He’d bring me to the lost sheep to prophesy over them, many that had huge callings.

One time in Samoa God led me change rooms. It was a late night and the 3 Japanese students next door were smoking. God told me to change rooms and I had to talk to the owner on the phone. She was an english lad. She asked me if I had a permit to be a missionary there and said she would contact the authorities. She threatened me even though she was Christian herself (but there was a religious spirit on her). 

I asked to change rooms and eventually, after 2-3 hours she let me change rooms and charged me for it. God had me go up against a religious spirit and spirit of fear.

Right before this happened God sent me to a police station to try to get wifi and this police man was actually a minister. I prophesied that he was going to preach and that he needed to quit his job.

How I managed to travel like this for 1.5 years is totally grace….because I’m still healing from all the things I went through.

Yes. I didn’t realize it but anger was still there.

God why did you allow me to go through that?

Because you were willing and able to. Because now you will train up others who will run with lions and shut demons’ mouths, now you will set even more captives free.

I was sitting at the korean spa today thinking “God I can’t go back huh? I can’t be like those normal people watching youtube videos and laughing, now I really have to live like I’m in war”.

Let me focus on love, light and hope. God let me soak in your love, show me you love me. I don’t care how, but keep showing me love because like I told my friend- I find it hard to feel emotions because I didn’t grow up with an emotionally vulnerable mother. Angry? Yes, but vulnerable, no.

I also said because my dad doesn’t talk to me so I’m not able to receive from God words of love, sometimes I don’t hear it but I can see it in my dreams, I hear it and I’m able to decree and prophesy to people, but I need to write it down or speak it in order to receive it.

The more my friend says “I love you” to me the more I’m able to hear God say it. Before His love to me was relayed through gifts, blessings, but now they’re coming through more with words. 

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A Letter To My Dad- Love Isn’t Afraid of Rejection

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“Hi Dad, I wanted to write you. I deleted line by accident when I came back and had no way to contact you. I often feel like we stop talking to each other when I come back to America, it’s like we don’t even know each other. It grieves my heart.

As much as I don’t want to feel like this, I feel like I’m often waiting for you to reply. In this way, I feel like I’m waiting for things to happen in my life. I try to make things happen as soon as possible but then God will tell me to let go of control. I’m angry that you don’t write me, it really makes me angry and sad.

I’m angry that you don’t tell me how you feel.

I know you are stressed out but because I want a relationship with you, I feel like I am trying as much as I can, but it’s always been a one way street.

Every time we get close, I leave and we no longer talk to each other. I feel like I’m back at square one.”

Today God had me approach a guy at the Korean spa. I was wondering where God wanted me to go and He told me to go to the sauna. He told me to eat with him but I didn’t want to. Later he came to comment on my food and I said I liked his hair. I said “do you want to sit with me?”

He said “no, I have a headache”.

I said “I can pray for you”, reaching out to touch his head. He said “no, it’s okay but you can pray for me from there”.

Later on, I saw him sitting near me so God told me “go sit with him” (I fought God for a few minutes) and I brought my food over, sitting right in front of him. I said “I heard God say ‘love isn’t afraid of rejection'”.

He frowned and said “Then don’t be afraid. I really want to be alone” and moved to a table far from mine.

Later on, I approached him even though I really wanted to run. I mean it’s embarrassing to be rejected right? By a stranger?

I said “I’m sorry I crossed your boundaries but you seemed like a cool person. God bless you”. He said “it’s okay”.

I felt sad that I had the answer to heal his headache and to give him a word from God but He was not willing to receive it. I’m pretty sure he was gay too, so he probably had been rejected by a lot of people in his lifetime.

God said to me “look at all those people eating alone, afraid to let people into their hearts”.

Love isn’t afraid of rejection. It will reach out and be rejected, but it will keep trying. After that I felt really tired and felt mad that God made me do that so I knocked out for about 2-3 hours to my surprise. I heard him say “let go of control”.

I cannot control if my dad will ever contact me again. The one time he actually replied in 7 months (of messaging him) was when I said “tomorrow I’m landing at 9am, make sure to pick me up”.

He said he was stressed and busy with life. 

Priorities.

What do you prioritize? Do you prioritize your work, money, ministry or the people you value in your life? Do you prioritize yourself, your well being?

Sometimes we think we need to be alone, but actually that’s a disguise for not letting people in. And we need to be loved to survive and thrive in this world. I used to feel burdened by people because I was unable to voice my opinions and needs in a relationship but I’m starting to see that those who are willing to listen and not be offended are true friends. 

I let people step on me in my earlier life and when I finally voiced my opinions it backfired. Apparently, they only liked me when I fit their description and expectation of who I should be. 

I can’t rush to change people. I can’t rush to restore everything in one day. I lost a lot in the last few years, things I’m trying to recover but God showed me when it’s time, He will do it. He led me to speak at an open mic without my knowledge, He gave me a new friend via instagram, He brought me to a concert to minister to the youth.

I have to trust God’s timing and not rush it. God I’ll let go of control. Are you willing to?

Rejection isn’t a sign of YOUR WORTH. Rejection is simply a process of life. You will be rejected by jobs, opportunities, people, but you will need to stand on the firm foundation of Jesus and know that you are ACCEPTED AND LOVED BY GOD. 

Love isn’t afraid of rejection. I heard God say “I am not afraid of rejection”.

This morning God also told me to give and then ask for donations so I did. However, everyone said no except the one girl I donated to and she sowed some money back to me as the Lord asked me to ask her to do. When I did that I realized that fear of men left me. The last few days I started to fear people’s opinions for some reason. I was telling someone about Jesus and her face contorted, as in she was offended.

It was on the uber ride home that I met an ex-jehovah witness who gave me $10, which is a lot considering the ride was $14. I was really surprised because most people said no but he actually gave. 

You never know who will say yes and today’s lesson is that you cannot be afraid of rejection. You cannot be afraid of what people think. 

I don’t take “no’s” personally anymore but I know that sometimes giving and receiving is a sign of an open heart and today Peter had an open heart. His mother passed away 10 years ago. And he gave $10. Wow. I just realized that. 

God may you heal his heart and open his heart to your love.

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Prophetic Dream- Awaken to Your Dreams

Testimony told at an open mic

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