The Discomfort of Love

Love can be uncomfortable.

What do I mean by that?

Trying to learn how to communicate. Sure, at first I was annoyed that people were ghosting and refusing to communicate, but now I’m annoyed when someone does want to communicate…but they’re not communicating the way I’m used to.

I said “I feel like you’re talking down to me”.

“And I also don’t like the word damaged”.

I’m not damaged, I’m wounded. Damaged is what you label a broken vase or broken toy that you put on the shelf of Ralphs near the bathroom. Wounded- God heals that and I am enough in God’s eyes. That’s what we argued and talked about.

Arguments can be invigorating because I can hear my voice, I have a voice. It’s not an argument per say, but it’s an opportunity to say how I feel and it’s great.

My mom and I, when we argue, or when I voice my opinions, we get so angry we either leave each others’ sight or we just stop talking until we calm down because the anger is so intense, it creates discomfort. I remember my mom walking out the door every time she felt some kind of emotion.

I can’t say what’s on my mind without feeling the emotions that come with those thoughts.

“Well, be vulnerable if you’re trying to connect with me, don’t just say you feel bad for me…”

There’s so many innuendos, it takes time to understand each other’s heart. There are certain personalities that I am more comfortable with. I don’t like being “talked to or lectured”. I find that a lot of men do that…”this is what you should do”, etc. I am not looking for a man to tell me what to do, I already have a mom that constantly tries to tell me what to do.

Males- you just need to listen and say “I hear you and I see you”.

Most women aren’t looking for your opinion to be honest, or for you to fix the situation…..women just want to be heard.

I like a man who asks questions, is in touch with his emotions. I guess someone who is a bit feminine at heart, gentle. There are certain personalities that aggravate me because I feel like they are talking mostly, and not allowing me to talk.

Today I learned that someone I just met needs a verbal affirmation such as “I understand where you’re coming from” or even a “no I don’t understand or don’t agree with you”. I’m used to just moving onto the next point with no verbal affirmation.

I found myself so uncomfortable, I almost walked away.

Then tears came after I walked into my house. I guess I was uncomfortable with feeling the emotions that came with communicating my heart.

The truth is – I’m scared I’ll always be uncomfortable in marriage. I don’t want to argue all the time…but I also feel relieved that things can actually be talked out. With my mom, we rarely talked anything out. Again, my dad ghosted for most of my life and my brother cut off connection with me.

Our family avoids conflict or my parents have argued in front of me but it never led to resolution. They separated when I was very young. It’s easy to run away from conflict, but conflict is actually part of communication.

Every movie involves a conflict, there are no good movies without conflicts.

But in real life, few people have the emotional ability to talk out their differences or to even tell the truth.

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Men

I hate men right now. I went through a few experiences where I don’t really understand them.

My dad basically ghosted me for 10 years and my whole life.

My brother ghosted my mom and I for years.

Then men I meet ghost too, friends, dates.

I don’t really understand it.

Sometimes I wonder how I’m ever going to marry a man because a lot of times I see them shut down and I’m unable to communicate with them. A lot of men don’t really want to talk through things, they just want to hide and disappear.

I met this guy at a restaurant a few months ago and he contacted me. Asked me to hang out. He picked me up but when I saw him I asked to see his eyes because he was wearing sunglasses. I asked to see it even for a few seconds but he refused to take off his sunglasses. So I said “the whole time we are hanging out you’re going to leave your sunglasses on?”

He said “yes, the sun hurts his eyes”.

But I couldn’t even see him for 1 second?

I do believe he is a lost sheep but at the same time it’s important for me to see someone’s eyes to connect even briefly. I believe eye contact is a source of building trust.

He said that he just wanted to be chill and he said that I was making things awkward so he said that he didn’t want to hang out anymore.

So I got off the car.

And went home. I tried to call or text him but he didn’t reply.

I’ve been led to different spiritual

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Emotions and Feelings

I feel out of control.

And sometimes when I feel out of control I retrieve, I want to be alone 

Perhaps I don’t feel safe to feel those emotions

Or perhaps I don’t feel safe feeling them in front of others so I leave 

And isolate myself. 

But I’m starting to see that

I don’t like showing my emotions to people I just met or in group setting – I’m okay one on one and I’ll be vulnerable with people I just met. Some people are not safe though. 

I can show a big part of myself when I am one one one with someone. 

All eyes are on me when I talk about myself – perhaps I’m scared of saying something wrong or perhaps it’s too much attention. I feel like I’m being observed. 

Ministering out in West Hollywood has taught me a lot about myself. At one point I felt so uncomfortable with being the center of attention in a group setting, I walked away. I felt my heart being extended.

I guess God is working in me. I met a celebrity designer and actress and the feeling of inadequacy hit me. One guy wasn’t complimenting me at all, I felt insecure. I started to be aware of the pimple on my face.

You are righteous in Christ Jesus.

I became aware of the fact that I wasn’t wearing anything designer, or that I wasn’t good enough but again God had to remind me that I am enough.

Another uncomfortable experience- people around me are drunk and I am not. In fact, no drinks in my system. Again, I felt like how do I act around people who are drunk. I didn’t feel safe. Again, you are enough God reminded me.

This is all preparation in going higher. What’s my personality like? I am a fun person that is pensive and a deep thinker. I realize there are SO many personality types and it is important to learn who you are despite all the different people you meet.

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PURCHASE GOODIES

Healing From Past Hurts

IMG_4826.jpgAre you currently dating? Single? Are you scared to get hurt? And why? What has your past experiences been like?

Answer in the comment box!

I am currently dating.

I am afraid to get hurt. Even though I like to cry a lot anyways.

Yesterday I saw this waitress I met a few times at the restaurant. I felt led to go eat there. I told her about waiting until marriage to have sex and she told me she wish she waited because maybe she wouldn’t have gotten married in her 40s, with a child. Then maybe her son would still be alive today.

I told her she no longer needed to regret the past because she is righteous in God’s eyes. 

I said none of it was her fault.

My stomach felt upset and I didn’t know why. I realize that sometimes I overthink things.

I question my decisions because I’ve gotten hurt in the past so I want to shut down and not open up again. My past relationship traumatized me and I said “I won’t get into a relationship unless he is my husband”. It was a long time ago but it really f#$6 me up.

For some reason God is bringing the same situations into my life to heal the past.

“I forgive myself for the past” I said.

I even cried thinking about how I hurt my ex. He would always say “someday you’re going to meet your husband and leave me”. Eventually I did leave him, but not because I met my husband.

So do we live scared? Or do we live life? 

Do we take chances? 

Take chances, even though the consequences aren’t always ideal.

I had an emotional breakthrough yesterday. I felt numb for a few days, couldn’t feel my emotions for some reason. I was scared of pain. But I cried and I realized that it’s okay to love.

I always asked God “why do I keep loving that which will not last?”

God- I’m breaking off the fear of loss.

Do you want to overcome the hurdles that keep you from stepping out? 

Contact me at rebekkalien@gmail.com for coaching/soul talk.

Love you!

Join The Created To Love Support Group! 

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Back To Innocence

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He sent me a photo of him and his ex. I don’t know why. I must have been out of his mind. He said that it was a reminder that we were just friends and he did not want to project his feelings for his ex towards me since I reminded him so much of his ex. I wanted to curse him to die because I was so angry. How could he send me a picture of his ex, it disgusted me.

We did get a physical but of course no intercourse. But now we are completely platonic and it feels weird. We have decided to be friends. And of course I still have feelings for him. It is truly difficult. At first I felt a slew of emotions.

Today he decided to pick me up for boba and we talked a little bit but I could feel myself emoting.

First, I wanted to hug him and I felt this need to be wanted. He said we needed to have boundaries. 

Second, I shut down and I felt numb because I knew that I couldn’t want to be with him. He didn’t want me, now I felt unwanted.

Third, I got defensive and angry and I said “I’m over you!” and I stormed off to talk to other people, strangers.

Fourth, he dropped me off and I felt depressed. 

Fifth, I called my friend and started sobbing. She said that he was being selfish and needed to walk away, but of course I had already texted for him to come back, and then a never mind.

Sixth, he came back and we talked whilst I cried. 

I said that I felt unwanted, I felt rejected. I talked about my fear of feeling my emotions because of the fear of attachment. I was afraid to feel abandoned. Now I realize it is okay to feel all of my emotions. 

I said that even if someone doesn’t reciprocate my emotions, I can allow myself to feel those emotions for that person….Now I’m freely able to love without requirements of someone reciprocating. 

Isn’t it every girl’s dream for a guy to treat her like a princess without requiring her to have sex with him. Sure, I’m not saying I don’t want to have sex, it’s a natural urge, but it’s back to innocence.

I suppose I miss just hanging out with a guy friend at school and having innocent banter and jokes in high school. There’s an innocence there and I long for it.

I talk about waiting until marriage to have sex.

Very openly. I tell every uber driver this. Not because I am bragging but because I want to explain what my beliefs are. I’m not waiting out of guilt, I wait out of desire because I know God has the best in store for me. 

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You Deserve The Best

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Last night the Lord told me to go to the Abbey and when I arrived I saw a guy sitting across. He had makeup on and a pair of glasses.

I gestured hello and asked if he wanted to sit with me. He was on the phone.

He came and sat with me and we talked about superficial stuff at first, things like “that bartender is so hot”. After a few hours he opened up to me.

I gave him a hug and he said that he was feeling suicidal all day and just wanted a hug. I asked why. I noticed that men started talking to me, or coming by to say hi. I saw his face. He would cringe and he would say things like “he is a jerk”.

He said that his ex boyfriend was abusive and hit him. He said that his ex changed his number so he could continue stalking him. “He would beat me”.

I told him that he deserved the best, he deserved to be loved and treated well. Even though he said he wasn’t Christian, I told him that God loved him very much.

I was saying that to myself as well. We laughed about things but I also felt this deep twinge of pain in my heart. When I got on the Uber, and of course the driver was Christian….I started crying and telling him that I deserved the best. He spoke very little English.

I kept saying “I deserve the best”. 

The last two guys I went on dates with basically were in love with their exes or someone else for the last 10 years.

Was there something wrong with me? No.

I just deserve the best. 

I’m not willing to be second best. 

Heart, LISTEN, never settle.

Heart, YOU DESERVE THE FUCKING BEST!

I’m so grateful that God led me to this guy. He bought me a rose. I know a lot of people ask me why God would tell me to go to the Abbey. The truth is whether someone is gay, straight, bi or trans, they are all STARVING FOR LOVE.

WE ALL WANT TO BE LOVED.

And God sends me there to show them love.

He speaks to our souls and hearts, and He is so loving to break us free of our unbelief.

DO you believe? You deserve the best. You deserve his full attention, you deserve to be first in his life!

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Prophetic Word- Moving Out of Guilt, Into Love

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You’re moving out. You’re expanding. You’re breaking the barriers of your father and mother’s issues and marriage. You’re breaking the negative cycles and you will never be the same. The pain will remain in the past and you will shout for joy. You will receive the inheritance and the promises I have promised you because you didn’t give up when it hurt, when you had to face your past and your mistakes.

You’ve received the full grace, you’ve accepted that I made you righteous by the blood of Jesus. You are whole because of my work, not yours. You’ve been made clean.

Now that’s power. You have power within you, me in you.

Sell everything and follow me.

You’re not your mother or your father. You are not your issues, you are not your things and your possessions. You are not your past, you are whole, clean, pure.

I only see Jesus in you, nothing else. 

Sell everything and follow me. 

Put on the ring and truth of righteousness. You are no longer your sins and your past. 

Forgive those who hurt you, forgive the past, forgive those who have disappointed you.

“I forgive my friends, my ex friends, I forgive my dad and mom, I forgive my ancestors, I forgive. For you forgave them on the cross. I no longer have to play Jesus. I am not Jesus or God. I am not. I denounce false responsibility. I repent for playing God. I am only human. I am not responsible even for my own short comings and for my future. It is by and through grace that I receive your promises, not my strivings”.

I receive it freely, I receive it all freely God. I partake of the meal, I partake of the promises. I partake of the health and abundance that you have paid for already. I no longer have to pay for it. It is free. I am free from my past and I don’t have to punish myself for the past. I am free.

No more guilt, no more condemnation. I am free, I am free, I am free. 

Move out, move out and see that you no longer live inside the box of guilt. You are free. Free to pursue your hearts’ desires. 

I give you permission to run after your hearts’ desires.

They may point fingers, they may not understand, but you run. All the other voices will dissipate, as you embrace love for what it is.

“I just want to be loved for who I am”. Then you will receive just that, a flaming fierce bright love, that will captivate you, hold you and never let go. 

I deserve what is mine, I deserve love that is loyal, true, committed. I deserve passionate love, communicative love, burning and vulnerable love. And you shall receive in 100 fold. Freely, without strife, as Adam and Eve were, free of burdens and free of concerns, under the cool of God’s creations.

You shall receive it. Freely, open your arms now.

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When You Get Rid of False Responsibility You’ll Get Married

109335150_10163969983460603_6730570601404261748_o.jpg

 

The last year, from July 2019-now God has systematically helped me release false responsibility. I had a dream where I was wearing a dress with pockets and there were babies in the pocket. I heard “once you get rid of false responsibility you’ll get married”. I took babies out of the pockets.

Here’s what God did.

Growing up I often felt falsely responsible for my mom’s anger. I felt like it was my fault she was in a bad mood so I became a people pleaser. 

God started to help me see that it was not my fault but her issues with unforgiveness towards my dad and other family members. God used a gay social worker lyft driver to speak into my spirit. He said “it is not your job to carry the burden of your mom’s anger. Stop washing her dirty dishes and cleaning her room. If she is angry with your dad, it’s her job to tell him, not yours”.

God will tell me to go places and talk to uber/lyft drivers. He would send me to divine appointments on a daily basis. I would talk to these people about family and their issues. I would tell them my testimony and prophesy to them. There is no time or room for me to sulk or be afraid, I just have to go and speak. 

For awhile, I used to give rent money to my mom when I lived with her. I felt bad I could not give her money after I started freelancing. God told me “you are not responsible for her”. My relationship with my mom was strongly based on guilt.

Why is it urgent to go where God leads and speak, without fear?

Because God is promptly preparing you for marriage! 

I had a lot of false guilt thrown at me recently.

Things like –

  1. Someone needed help but I was not able to, so I said so and this person guilt tripped me by saying “so you’ll only help when it’s convenient for you?”
  2. Someone’s car got towed while we were hanging out – and even though I was not the one responsible for where he parked, I felt guilt. I had to cast it out in Jesus name.
  3. A friendship ended and I felt falsely responsible and I tried everything I can to save it, but I realized it needed to end because we were codependent.

God systematically REMOVED every hindrance to marriage.

I didn’t realize how MUCH people are actually not ready for marriage.

I didn’t realize how much God needed to teach me before I got married.

He sent me fathers who have cheated on their wives, He sent me people who struggle with porn, He sent me people who have trouble communicating, He sent me people who were shut down like my dad, He sent me people to teach me forgiveness and to heal my heart from the issues with my mom and dad.

All so that I can have an understanding and a soft heart, and not live in bitterness and anger.

I had to learn to express anger because I thought it was bad to express anger. I thought anger resulted in making others feel guilty (with my mom).

I had a guy that I liked hit on my friend in front of me, also triggering any trust issues that I may have had towards my friend. I expressed my anger towards him and learned to forgive him. 

I had to express how I felt with men who did not respond well.

I had to confront someone who touched my leg.

I learned that I was not responsible for peoples’ issues. I had to set boundaries with the landlord, who kept telling me to do things that were outside of my responsibilities.

I learned that I was not responsible for cheering my friend up and she was responsible for her own happiness. 

All of these seem simply but in the moment, it can be complicated.

Say I was out at a restaurant and my friend was in a bad mood, I realized I did not need to baby sit anyone. If I felt like I didn’t want to be around her, I could say so. If she wanted to go home, she could go. If I wanted to talk to strangers I could, because that’s what the holy spirit led me to do. 

Many of us live from a place of obligation. We think it is love but it is not love. 

Yesterday the Lord led me to several people. One Christian girl was heavily enmeshed in a 5 year relationship that involved abuse. I was walking on the street and noticed her backpack so decided to comment on it. We talked for awhile and expressed to her how I felt, prophesying to her as well, but I could feel her codependency. I had to discern that. I heard God say “go to the abbey, go now”. I could have stayed out of wanting a girl friend, but I had to listen to God.

Why?

Because I AM not responsible for her issues. I prophesied and prayed for her, but realized that I was not responsible to make HER feel good about herself. In addition, I felt that she was telling me what to do, telling me I should not go to bars and restaurants. But I had to speak up and say “no, God told me to”. I cannot submit to you, or fear. 

Sometimes we become close friends with people out of similar wounds, versus similar truth identity. The truth identity can be “I am a child of God”. But some friendships are built out of “self pity”.

“I feel sorry for myself so I am going to be friends with someone who feels sorry for herself too”.

There is no empowerment there. But there are friends who come in and out of our lives for a reason.

I am so grateful that even if I’m not ready to let go of someone, God removes them out of my life out of grace. I may feel hurt and rejected, but when I look back I realize that if I kept being friends with them, I’d continue to be codependent on their approval or validation. 

Now I am operating solely on His love. 

Not on other peoples’ love for me. 

Yesterday God told me to go to the abbey and there was a man sitting alone. I felt led to talk to him and turns out he grew up Catholic. I asked if I could sit with him. He was filipino and Chinese. I realized that maybe it’s a good idea to marry someone who is part Asian.

I’ve gotten rejected before, not everyone’s heart is open. But I’m getting to the point where I don’t care if their hearts are closed. Love is not afraid of rejection.

The other dilemma has also been false guilt. When I go to these restaurants, I may wonder if the staff thinks weirdly of me because I come alone and I often become friends with people. No one else does that. Not many people. But since God has given me extreme courage, He leads me to the lost sheep. 

There are times I want to indulge in hating men when negative circumstances occur, I’ll talk to other female divine appointments…..for instance, I had a lyft driver who told me she did not want to talk to people or make friends right now because she went through a breakup in Februrary and 5 of her best friends have slept with her exes, so she does not trust people. Period. She grew up Catholic.

I felt led to ask her to join me for dinner and she said no. I asked her if she wanted to exchange numbers, she said no.

I tried right?

Here’s the deal.

When you are ready for marriage, when you are ready for what God wants for your life. You no longer submit to fear. You don’t entertain bullshit. You say yes to God, you say yes to what you want and you go for it even when others may judge or reject you for it. When God says “go talk to this person”, you do it because your heart is being unveiled. I go to this car rental place and many times God sends me to talk to customers. It may look strange how friendly I am with strangers. It may look wrong even, but I can’t live in fear of what others think. 

I don’t have one “best friend” that I call all the time. I realize it was unhealthy. Now I have many friends that I talk to. If I overindulge in false therapy with girl friends, God tells me to go, He’ll say “don’t hide” and I’ll meet a divine appointment that is a male.

He says “you’re about to get married, don’t be afraid of men”. Come out of hiding. Tell the truth, don’t be afraid of confrontation. If you don’t like someone, tell them. IF you like them, tell them. If you love them, tell them. If you’re angry, tell them. If you’re sad, tell them.108826858_10163969984480603_4279442601632246099_o

Here’s a divine appointment I met on a lyft drive- he is a songwriter for Sony and also christian.

And I had the idea to wear the rapper sunglasses and take this photo.

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Hollywood

Prayer request- Continue to pray for me as God has given me Hollywood as a spiritual territory.
God is leading me to people in West Hollywood everyday.
Continue to pray for me as the Lord leads me everyday to lost sheep.
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Today I had a divine appointment. He was a lyft driver, we talked for a long time. He said he had no friends, he is on asylum in America and can’t go back to his country to be with his family because he is waiting for his papers. We drove by the beach and I had a dream about the beach and the ocean. He was Christian, but afraid to trust people, afraid to open his heart.
I had a dream I was prophesying to many men. I was going up stairs. 
Then the Lord told me to go to the Abbey and outside I met a taiwanese older gentleman that I met before. He asked if I wanted to talk to his friend and so I talked to his Singaporean friend on the friend.
I walked to the dog park and felt led to go inside. I talked to a few people but I got the weird look, like why is she in here when she doesn’t have a dog. Eventually I met a guy who was a dance instructor. His dog had a necklace on her. We went to go eat and talked for a long time. He said he was adopted at the age of 1. He said he was going to leave but felt led to walk into the small dog park even though he technically had a big dog. His dog’s name was “OCEAN”.
He said he really needed new friends too. He had felt betrayed by his friends when he needed help and no one helped him when he was homeless and living in his car.
Then I bumped into another man who was divorced and we talked for awhile. I asked if he was Christian and he said he did believe. We went to go eat and talked for awhile.
My day was filled with divine appointments. I didn’t have one moment of being alone really.
BE COURAGEOUS. PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE. OPEN YOUR HEART TO LOVE. 
SAY YES. So basically there is no lack in God’s kingdom because when you seek God’s kingdom first, you have no lack. You are flowing in the ocean of God. There is ALWAYS food to eat. There is always Love. 

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Prophetic Word- Go After What You Want

Go after what YOU WANT!.png

I was driving in around the city and I can feel something rising up in me. Tears needed to come out. I just called my friend who needed space but God told me “call her”.

I was like “God but she said she needs space”.

Breakthrough.

I heard. 

I could feel my body trembling, I needed to let it out.

Finally I talked to her, surprisingly she picked up. I told her how I felt.

Then I heard go see her, but she said she still needed space. I called my other friend and also heard “go see her” so I obeyed and went. She said “I never had anyone visit me at this hour”. She was really happy and she wanted to go cruise but her mom told her no, she doesn’t trust new people. I said “okay I will meet her”. She said “no, I am going to sleep”.

Fear, lots of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure, fear of danger. Fear. Then suddenly 2 skunks appeared in front of her house. I was like wow. 

We talked for a bit and I could feel that I needed to cry. But it wasn’t coming out so I went around town wherever God was telling me, by now it was 2am. I was going to different gas stations asking about bathrooms. No, lots of no’s. 

“Fear of failure” I heard.

Then I realize God had been telling me to go see my dad but I had the excuse of “well I don’t want to be quarantined for 2 weeks”. 

God then brought a Taiwanese dad lyft driver to me to show me that there were ways around the 2 weeks.

I said “God I’m just going to be disappointed, what is the point of trying. My dad didn’t even take me to the airport last time because he had a migraine, then he stopped talking to me after I left”.

I tried to reach out to him for 1 year and he only wrote “wear a mask”.

That is the extent of our relationship. I was even happy to see one sentence like that, a reply, something.

Don’t BE AFRAID OF FAILURE I HEAR GOD SAY. 

EVEN if THE DESIRES OF YOUR HEART LEADS TO DISAPPOINTMENT, FAILURE AND REJECTION! 

Even if you know he isn’t the one, but God will say “go see this person”. You may be heart broken but God is working your heart.

I finally arrived home. I still hadn’t cried. But I needed to. I cried in the car but when I went in and told my mom at 3 am that I wanted to go to Taiwan she looked helpless and angry.

I said “God told me to go see dad”. Remember they have been divorced for over 20 years. “Why, you need to go see a doctor”.

She thinks I’m crazy. She doesn’t believe I hear God’s voice. So I said “I WANT TO SEE DAD!” Hurt filled her face. She couldn’t believe it. “You only come find me when you need me, then why did you even come back to America? Why don’t you just stay with your dad?!”

She was angry and I started sobbing, weeping.

I got in the shower. I started thinking “all my life people have told me I’m not allowed to have what I want”. They’ve thought I’m too much,  too energetic, too this. I’m not allowed to. I’m not allowed to travel, I shouldn’t travel, I can’t do this, I can’t do that. I shouldn’t do this or shouldn’t do that.

BUT GOD HAS ALWAYS BROKE THROUGH BY LEADING ME IN FREEDOM! 

He said GO OUT! While everyone is telling me to stay in. While everyone is telling me to be afraid, He said “be fearless”.

I HAVE FREEDOM! I don’t need to be afraid of what my mom thinks or how my dad acts. It doesn’t matter. I want to see my dad.

Even if he is shut off, MY HEART IS NOT! MY HEART IS OPEN. AND I WILL go because I am not going to submit to FEAR.

I told my mom how I felt and IT UPSET HER.

What do you need to do or say to set yourself free, express yourself, tell the truth, do what YOU WANT???

Consider sowing a seed into this ministry and this prophetic word, there is power in sowing and I believe God will multiply every seed you sow! God bless you!

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