Come Out Of Hiding

Dear Child,

I see your tears. I see your pain and I’m holding you in the palm of my hands. I know you’ve been betrayed, wrecked, abused, but I’m here and my love is sufficient for you.

I’m a good Father. You can trust me.

Dear Father,

Then why did you let this happen.

Dear child,

People are evil and are broken. Broken people hurt people.

But my love is sufficient and can heal all wounds.

Come out dear child. You can come out of the cave. Come out come out.

I think maybe I’m done loving or feeling the pain. But God says- keep loving, keep allowing your heart to be broken and open.

I found myself holding hands and crying with people in the last couple weeks. Pain and grief.

God has opened a new door to the new season. He is saying “come out and don’t be afraid”. I want you to come out and not hide anymore emotionally.

Love again, speak again, sing again.

Are you willing to love again?

Release disappointment, release unforgiveness and bitterness and come out of hiding.

It’s time to speak your truth.

Writing from Samoa

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Love Yourself As You Love Others

I was featured on thrillist! That day I was having an emotional day when I saw this. I burst out crying because I realized God was saying “don’t worry I’m going to honor you”. Where you were at the end of the line, I’m going to bring you to the front. Where you were rejected, I’m going to have people celebrate you!

I know a lot of people say loving yourself is a out there concept…but it’s not.

I often felt like a martyr and saw people who only thought of themselves as selfish

Jesus had told me to leave everything and follow Him and it seems like a honorable thing, sure, I’m reaping treasures in heaven and earth, but I’ve also learned the importance of loving yourself and taking care of yourself in the process.

Love others as you love yourself

You can’t love others if you don’t love yourself. I’ve experienced a lot of love as I loved others but I’ve also experienced their lack.

There are times I feel like a mountain of people are above me, while I’m being buried alive and I can’t breathe at all.

I had a dream that a girl was putting a red jewel into my nose. She was a good friend of mine. She didn’t leave everything behind to follow Jesus and I don’t think she felt called to. I envy her sometimes. She has a normal job and is able to buy whatever she wants.

But I feel that for us; those who have been called to leave everything behind and follow Jesus- God wants us to live in impossible faith, He also wants you to treat yourself.

Even if you don’t feel like you have enough at times and God often gives you just what you need- He wants you to get what you want.

For once, get the more expensive ice cream, the one you actually want.

Go get the massage, treat yourself to a pedicure, get that lotion.

You might not feel like you deserve it or that you should use the money for food and accommodation, somehow by getting what you actually want, more will be given to you.

I’m talking to myself here. I’m so used to using money for practicals that I neglect my desires. But in following Holy Spirit I’ve learned the importance of staying where he wants me to stay despite costs.

Yesterday when my new friend dropped me off at the hotel he said “this one is more expensive, let’s find a cheaper one”. I said “God has assignments for me here, how expensive is a soul?”

Is a soul worth it? Then God will provide.

Sure enough, as I was led to minister to the people he called me to, God blessed me so that I didn’t have to worry about the fact that my hotel cost a bit more than the other ones.

It wasn’t a Sheraton no, or a Hilton, no. But God led me to where I needed to be. A cafe where I was able to call forth someone’s destiny, where people honored my voice and listened.

One lady I prophesied she would write books and preach, another I saw his family traveling the world ministering. I saw his cafe as a house church where people would be delivered. Right after I found myself praying over someone with chicken pox, he was a friend and staff of the owner.

Our desires are planted by God unto our hearts before we were born.

Our biggest desire is to know God.

Then when we are in relationship with God, we can live a life led by the spirit.

So what is it you want?

I want a family. I want a husband who loves Jesus and has an all in anointing.

I want to have wild and passionate and loving sex with my husband.

I want to have a home by the beach.

I want to drink coffee.

I know. I quit caffeine to be healthy, but I want to drink coffee and not be affected by it.

I want uninterrupted sleep- 10 hours straight without waking up to pee or being interrupted by some noises.

I want to rest. My body is aching and tired and I’ve traveled for 10 months straight, not staying in one place for more than a week and the last month, I’ve literally moved everyday.

I want to continue changing lives and delivering captives from shame and guilt! I want to continue speaking life into dead bones!

I want to continue prophesying dreams into peoples’ hearts and showing them that it’s not selfish to follow their hearts.

I want to poop in silence and without interruption.

I want to take a really long bath with candles and not feel guilty about it!

I want to live a fearless life.

I want to move mountains and see lives come to Jesus.

I want to have right boundaries and not feel false responsibility for the thousands of people I’ve ministered to. I want to be able to release them to Jesus and not bear the weight of their problems.

I want to cast all my cares to the Lord.

I want to sip wine and overlook a vineyard. I want a romantic date in Greece overlooking the blue oceans without fear that the man next to me will leave or neglect me- hello? Am I the only one?

I want to have dates for the rest of my life! And not just for a week!

I want to have friendships that are reciprocative! I want friends that actually reach out to me, and not just me reaching out to them!

I want to be on television, and I want a movie made about me. I want to star in it, write for it, create it and direct it.

I want to create and sing songs. I want to play piano and cello. I want to do yoga again. I want to be fit again. I want to be famous, for the sake of the world- for the sake of people learning about Jesus. I want to wear nice clothes and have nice shoes. I want to have money.

Because when we follow our dreams, we are allowing others to follow theirs.

It’s not selfish.

I’ve prophesied and pray for thousands of people. Lately many people have been wanting to move- I said you’ve got to move, you’ve got to go where you are happy!

I started telling them where and they said “yah I want to go there but don’t know how”.

I said “just go and God will open doors!” I’m a living testament of God’s provision. When you put God’s kingdom first all things will be added unto you. God blesses you to be a blessing to others, so why wouldn’t God bless you even more so that blessing will overflow to others?

It’s time to name what you want and go after it!

earth.

Give- thank you!

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Overcoming Rejection

A divine appointment on a bus

Today I went to visit a restaurant owner. She had told me “come back tomorrow” when I asked for a donation for my missions trip.

I didn’t return because I had other divine appointments.

But I also thought “maybe she said that just to avoid saying no” because I experienced that from many people.

Well today on my last day in Fiji, I felt led to go downtown. I had just rode from Suva to nadi waking up at 3:30am.

I got 3 hours of sleep but after riding with my new friend, who I ministered to, I was dropped off at my accommodation and it turned out I didn’t have enough cash and had to go to the atm.

Well I walked across a bridge and found the atm charged $10 for withdrawal so I decided to go into town.

God was like go into town.

I suddenly felt led to go to her restaurant. I remembered I had promised to go back. When I entered, I felt scared. I felt that I might look desperate. I was thinking what will she think of me.

But then she hugged me tight.

I said I was hungry and she fed me.

She gave me a donation then we proceeded to chat.

Immediately I started to cry. She had watched my video about being rejected by my mom. We talked about family and the importance of communication and vulnerability.

I told her how I saw an image of her lying back on water and resting.

I said she was worthy of rest, even as a widow, that God is her husband and He will never leave her.

She said “you get easily disheartened. Don’t allow rejection from your mother make you think others will reject you”.

And that’s the truth about why I’m journeying as a missionary. Whether it’s in business or non profit, we encounter rejection everyday. It doesn’t mean we are failures or not enough, it’s just part of life.

Don’t allow others’ perspective taint your identity. Your identity doesn’t depend on what others think of you.

I find that when I’m not so confident in who I am, the vultures come out, the creepy guys appear on the street.

They feed on the energy of lack. Lack isn’t just financial, it’s a belief about who you are.

I also realize these past few days that we form opinions about other people based on our negative experiences.

For example, in a relationship if we don’t receive an immediate reply we think that person doesn’t care about us.

If a person says no we think they don’t love us.

If a person insinuates anything, we make up conclusions in our mind.

If we continue to bring back negative experiences from the past into new relationships, we jeopardize our chance at an honest relationship.

My own parents might not have ever supported my emotionally or financially, but it doesn’t mean others won’t.

I might have felt like a burden to them but I am gift on this earth.

You are a gift and not a burden and I want you to know you are worthy of love. No matter what you’ve experienced. How people have treated you is not the definition of who you are.

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A woman I prayed for on the bus today. Jesus is the way the truth and the life.

Romantic Love

I’ve been single for 5 years.

Being in a relationship broke me but it also helped me to see what I want and don’t want. I was young, 23. I didn’t know what I really wanted in a relationship. I fell into a relationship without needing one. I just appreciated the company and ended up dating a guy for 2.5 years. I actually liked dating back then and didn’t feel the need to be in one relationship.

I wasn’t clear about life. I was pursuing my passions like art and acting. I was also zestful and passionate about life.

But one day I woke up at the age of 26 questioning what I wanted out of life and what my purpose was.

I was so unhappy in my relationship. I actually didn’t have much in common with the guy I was with. We were polar opposites. He didn’t have a passport and I was born in Germany.

I wanted to travel the world and he wanted a house in a gated community.

A year later the Lord told me I was a pastor to the lost sheep. That year I sold everything to follow Jesus.

I felt like I was losing my life but I was actually gaining it.

5 years later I find myself opening up to love again.

The truth is dating is knowing that you may not end up with a guy forever and that part of the process is revealing your heart to them without fear of pain.

There’s no fear in love for perfect love casts out fear.

I just posted a video on Facebook with me playing cello. When I left everything to follow Jesus I also returned my cello to the owner. I stopped playing cello for the same amount of years I stopped being in a relationship.

I felt like the song my heart stopped playing. I lost friends, relationships and possessions.

Today I explained to a new friend that I was fearful of saying too much because people have found it overwhelming.

In a sense I suppressed my personality in fear that people would reject me.

Because there is so much in me that needs to come out, stories….so many stories every single day. There is not enough outlets for my creativity and experiences.

I realize God challenges me to do hard things because He knows I need to get over the fear of rejection because rejection hurt me the most. Betrayal hurt me as well.

So the more “no’s” and negative responses the better. He wants me to be unmoved by peoples’ responses to me.

The truth is all of us are a bit insecure, we are weak, fragile beings. None of us are as strong as we appear to be.

Instead of hiding in our rooms alone or staring at our phones all day God is calling us into relationship.

You might get hurt and you might get rejected!

But that’s the beauty of life. Get hurt bad.

Get wounded.

Pick yourself up and let God speak words of love over you.

What kind of movie would it be if the hero stayed at home and never encountered hurt and challenges?

Get fucked up. Emotionally.

Be confused, be emotional, throw a fit.

But be real.

God can take it.

Say what’s on your mind! Shout, scream, cry.

I don’t want to live a fake life. I want to be vulnerable. This journey following Jesus has been so uncomfortable and emotionally/physically tiring but part of that is throwing me out into relational territory, vulnerability.

The point is not that we need to be ready, but that we should at all times tell our truth even when we are taken off guard. The point is to get your boots muddy and sand in your hair.

Risk rejection, judgment. Risk pain, tears.

God has sometimes challenged me to pray for strangers, sometimes He asks me to ask strangers to give financially to my mission trip.

It’s vulnerable. Throwing myself out there.

I’m so used to rejection I expect people to reject me, but when they say yes I realize that’s the lesson.

The point is not the yes- but not being afraid of failure and not basing your identity or worth on peoples’ rejection or acceptance of you.

None of peoples’ response to you defines who you are.

So when God says “talk to her” and I approach a complete stranger, they might love or hate me, but God is that way. He will keep loving even if you hate Him.

What’s the point of loving a friend? Anyone can love a friend. But when you love your enemies, that’s true love.

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Becoming

Above is when the bus broke down and I ended up praying for people….I’ve got heat exhaustion though. Please pray for me.

At the moment I’ve been up for one hour thinking about the possible black shadow that just scurried under my bed and out.

I woke up to a feeling of something landing on my head and knew something was to the right of me

When I turned on the light I saw a black animal, possibly a rat run so fast I could hardly see.

Seriously God?

I know you can handle it.

I can’t handle shit. Excuse my language.

I wish I was more grateful but nothing have gone my way.

People think I’m lucky, I should be grateful but they don’t understand how hard it is. Trying to describe how hard following Jesus is on the road is like talking real language to a baby. Even babies understand what adults say.

I don’t wish it on anyone, the life I’m living.

Sometimes I think “God I think I’ve reaped enough blessings in heaven, I don’t need to do one more faithful thing”.

Take the last few days. I got woken up by the sound of 15-20 tourists sitting by the pool, well because I went to confront all of them (1 girl to 20 Indian guys) and I got a death stares from it, I saw a German man sitting by the lounge. I felt led to talk to him but was burdened by his problems. I prayed for him but was really agitated by how I had to have my sleep interrupted for a divine appointment.

Seriously God?

Then I got woken up again by their conversation at 3 in the morning. My sleep was jeopardized and I felt extremely angry and agitated.

They continued using the pool at 6 am in the morning.

I had a dream I had to pack and leave so I did early in the morning and requested to move rooms. Suddenly I found myself “coincidentally” next to a staff meeting and I yelled “who wants prayer” then realized they were having a meeting.

The leader told me “sure please close our meeting with prayer!” So I prayed for them when they ended their meeting.

Well, later when I checked in to that dorm room I felt no peace.

So again I asked to change rooms and the staff helped me move to their other hostel.

Well I said at this time I really needed a private room since I didn’t get any sleep last night.

They put me in a container box. Lord. I could hear every echo from outside.

This was not happening. It felt like a sterile box.

I felt no peace about this place.

Holy Spirit was leading me but I was getting frustrated. Meanwhile I was bumping into this German guy everywhere. He told me I had really good intuition and the Lord had led me to him.

He was raised catholic or Christian, I forget.

I was so tired, I ignored him and tried to run away.

He then followed me to the next hostel I tried to change rooms to and was telling me about the aloha spirit.

I thought to myself “omg please stop, I’m so tired and annoyed”.

Even though I had gotten myself a container box room, I still felt no peace about the place so I felt drawn to the hostel across the street.

When I went to ask about prices, the same German guy was in the pool.

I couldn’t believe it. He was an older gentleman and when I explained my situation he said he had an extra bed in the room. The room was tiny.

I thought- God no way are you asking me to share a room with this man.

God said “stay with him”.

No God I didn’t hear you right.

He is a stranger, I don’t know his motives.

“Stay with him”.

I ended up staying in his room, cancelling my container box room and getting only half the refund.

We ate dinner together and I learned to listen to him. Sometimes I had to stop him as his thoughts were overwhelming. He told me about how he almost got imprisoned and how people were after him. He had worked in high security and classified work situations, to which I cannot expose.

He had so much pent up pain, and yes somehow God sent me to love him.

But to be honest, I was a bit annoyed.

I slept better than the night before in a tiny room with a 60 year old man.

That night I have a dream there is a handicapped man and I hug him. He is surprised because he didn’t think I would love him.

That same night Jesus asked me how much one soul meant to Him.

He said “my outstretched arms; everything on the cross”.

So no I’m not always grateful because the types of people and the types of situations God leads me to is very much so uncomfortable.

I’m not staying at 5 star hotels or resorts balling myself out.

And I did walk into Sheraton the other day and had a divine appointment with a Punjabi girl.

But I found myself bored after 3 hours.

I had no other divine appointments there.

I guess the people who need healing and a word are often those who don’t necessarily have all the money in the world. They are the simple ones at hostels, the ones running from governments or mafias. They are the ones who never got to marry because their partner’s parents disagreed with their choices.

They are broken people with broken hearts.

But that, is why I do what I do.

Love.

And it’s uncomfortable. The way God leads me and the ones I talk to.

It might be an Indian woman whose legs hurt. It might be the Fijian grandpa of a hostel and I prayed healing over his diabetes and gout. I told him he needed to forgive himself for his past mistakes as he was carrying them. I told the German guy he was enough. I told him he didn’t need to figure out his future as God would take care of him.

I prayed for the hostel manager who came to work for a few hours a day but ended up managing the whole hostel because the owner went on a “cancer treatment” vacation.

I ended up prophesying over her and telling her she was not responsible for others in this way, that she was free to go.

I prayed for a medical volunteer who got sick the first day she arrived and felt like a failure for needing to quit and leave.

I told her she was enough and didn’t need to force it.

I have stories that will have your jaws on the ground.

Do you see why I feel so burdened? I finally called a friend of mine and unloaded some of these stories but my stories are endless. They leave my heart feeling heavy and I find it hard to sleep without intense dreams.

Love is the reason.

Pray for my heart. Pray for heart to persevere.

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Loving People

Loving people is extremely dizzying

At times I find myself unable to cope

The stories and the emotions overwhelm me and I want to control my heart

I don’t want to feel all the emotions

It’s too much

With one look I can feel someone’s pain or loneliness, I can feel their desire to connect, to belong, to be loved

The needs are endless and I know I’m not supposed to fill them and yet they are hesitant to say yes to Jesus

I’m not the solution, God is.

And yet I find myself trying to help as much as I can but at the end of the day it’s God who grows the plant.

My job is simply to water.

I’ll water whatever and whoever.

But sometimes I find myself needing to breathe and find room to process

And tonight God has given me a 6 bed dorm room all to myself

It’s a much needed refreshment

My eye is twitching from too much emotions, too much activity, too much experiencing humanity.

Though I prophesy and though I offer a heavenly perspective, I can only do so much.

I need rest. So I cry out to God.

The human need for love is real and only you can answer them God!

Fill my cup to overflow. Let them seek the real living fountain, and not me.

A snippet of my days

Today was so crazy. I took a 4 hour bus and ended up talking to this guy next to me. I said he was called to be a pastor. I got to Suva without any bookings. Asked around and went up to a road where someone suggested. I said hi to a man and child in a car and then asked the hotel about rooms but it was too much and also had a dark aura (it was filled with strange statues).

I ran back to the car and asked for a ride. He said okay and took me to one but I didn’t feel right about it and finally the receptionist suggested a backpackers and when I got there I knew Jesus was calling me there. I told the girl there what God was saying “you are not responsible for other people” – so many times we stop doing what we desire because we think we need to submit to the expectations of others, or we think caring for others means neglecting ourselves.

But the more we care for others the more we need to take care of ourselves.

Today the Lord told me to go to Lakauto

I walked around to a shopping center and went into a food court which had a movie theater. At first I thought I would go to another one but the Lord said, this one.

I felt drawn to one shop for food. When I sat down I realized there were 4 Japanese students on my left.

The Lord said talk to them.

I said God “how do I start?”

Ask them if they are Japanese. So I did. One guy said yes and looked over at his friend. His friend suddenly got his chair and came over to sit with me.

I thought “that’s something I would do”. We talked for awhile. I said I was a missionary. He said he is Buddhist. I said can I give you my website? He said “but don’t you teach Christianity?” No I said I just write. He said his friends just play with their phones and they don’t talk so he wanted to talk to me.

He didn’t take my website and he had no social media.

But he thought for a long time. He considered all of what I said. I said “what if Jesus can change your life?”

We talked about life and his time as a high school student in Fiji. I said God sent me here for him because at first I was too tired to come and the bus ride is 1 hour. Last night I didn’t get good sleep. I said God sent me to you as you are special. I said you will become a professor.

He said he got first in all the exams.

I patted his 17 year old head.

I said “see you” but in my mind i knew that I would see him in heaven. And we would meet again.

Even though we didn’t exchange contacts, I knew something hit his core.

And I planted a seed.

Because there is nothing like a relationship with Jesus, it’s not a statue, He talks to you. He transforms you; He frees you, He hits you with the Holy Spirit. You are filled with the presence of God.

Anaconda 2 was filmed here! Said my bus mate.

Last night Jesus asked me how much one soul is worth.

He stretched out His arms nailed to the cross.

He said “everything”.

He said “that’s why I’ve called you to love people with everything.” That’s why I’m battling mosquitoes and the heat in a non ac room. That’s why even the most unlovable people He send me to love.

Even when I’m annoyed He says “I love you and I love them”.

Patience.

God has taught me the way of Christ is not always the obvious path and He will use the most unlikely people.

Jesus is sweet like that.

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Where Is Home?

I’ve been overseas for 9 months, currently I’m in my 13th country.

I met three young people during dinner and one is from LA but he is moving to New Zealand to be with his future wife who he met on Instagram. True modern day romance. I invited myself over to their table and prayed for them at the end.

I’m thinking to myself- where is home?

“Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. 

I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”” -psalm 91:1-2

“For this world is not our permanent home; we are looking forward to a home yet to come.Hebrews 13:14

“By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God.” Hebrews 11:8-10

Traveling can be exciting but it can be scary too. There are many unknowns and I find myself being led to places that seem skeptical, I find myself talking to strangers I’ll never see again.

Sometimes I meet people I don’t want to say goodbye to and sometimes I’m annoyed by the loud conversations outside.

For dinner I met a woman from Beijing. She hired Fijians to work for her business. Then I meet Taiwanese business men.

Disorientating yes. Tents? Yes I’ve made a makeshift one with an extra bedsheet tied to the post of my bunk bed….for some resemblance of a private bed. It’s a 4 bed dormitory.

I was in the sun for 4 hours. It was a beautiful hotel, I used the pool and met a Punjabi woman who teaches art in Auckland. I gave her a word that she would travel the world and teach art.

I ate a bunch of fruits and found myself with an upset stomach. I’m trying to find familiarity but nothing is familiar and all I can find home is in God.

God is my home.

Not a place or a city, not a person though it may be nice to be with people you like.

Not my earthly family because we don’t talk much.

God is my home and when I feel alone I remember He is with me and I don’t need to fear.

This guy tried to talk to me after dinner but I felt tired. I had been talking to people all day. I realize people seek a romantic partner for that feeling of home too. That maybe someone will understand you as much as God does.

But at the end of the day, only God understands you completely.

Will you let Him in?

It can be exhausting being on the road. The amount of variety and different things that happen in your life is overwhelming but it’s holding onto Jesus’ hand that makes you realize, you’re home wherever you are. You can relax, you’re home with Him.

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