Growing up I often felt emotionally unsafe. I’d go home but want to leave right away. There was no safe place for me. My mom was constantly nagging or on me about something I was doing wrong. “Don’t leave socks on the floor”. There was always something to do. I could never rest.
I felt exhausted. My go to was boba or something sweet to ease my heart.
Recently I had a lot of divine appointments where they would say something that made me cringe or annoyed. But I didn’t react right away probably because I felt numb.
I grew up in a way where I set aside how I felt to accommodate for what my mom was going through. She was stressed financially, she was tired, it was always about her. So I set myself aside because her drama was already a lot.
I felt anxious when people told me really sad stories. I started to shut down. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I learned to set boundaries. Even today a lyft driver was complaining about Los Angeles and how awful it was. I just told him that I needed some space from anything negative because I was already feeling overwhelmed. I ended up being able to release my emotions on a ride back home.
I feel ignored by you. I feel like you don’t care about me or my brother. I feel like it doesn’t matter what we think of you because a parent should love their kids no matter what. Brother even thinks that we are not yours because it doesn’t seem like you care about us at all. I’m sometimes scared to say what I really feel because I fear it will push you away. But no kid should fear that. A parent is supposed to love and pursue their kids no matter what. I have tried to contact you and have a relationship you. I’m not asking for much. I’m really tired of trying, I’m exhausted. I just don’t want to have regrets when you die one day. I don’t want to hold onto any bitterness or anger. And I don’t want to talk to you to get told what to do. That’s not why I want to communicate with you.
You keep telling me that I don’t listen, it’s because I want to be heard. I want to be heard because my feelings matter. 33 years of not hearing me, it’s not fair. My feelings matter.
Putting myself out there has triggered a lot of feelings of rejection. I feel this for some guys too, I feel like they often feel rejected too. I have guy friends that keep trying to contact me, say hi, text hi, but they refuse to call. I don’t know why. We live in a society that people don’t want to communicate anymore. Communication becomes scary because one party has shut down.
You’re not a burden. You’re a gift.
Relationships trigger feelings of rejection and unworthiness. Do you struggle with feeling worthy when you get mistreated by a date?
A lot of people told me to doubt you, to give up but I never did. I waited for you. I know you’re out there and I’m not settling for less. God told me you’re coming. A lot of people tried to convince me otherwise. They told me I could not find someone who was also waiting but I’ve been meeting more people that are waiting, actually virgins too, some are celibate.
I don’t know what you’re going through but I know God is preparing you too. Whatever hardships and heart breaks we are going through is just making us stronger for marriage. I never really believed in marriage growing up because my parents were divorced. I have people calling me desperate but more than a year ago I had a few dreams.
I had a dream I was swiping on a dating app and I heard God say “get ready”. I also had a dream that I was wearing a wedding dress on an airplane and putting on makeup.
I’ve been learning to love and I think that’s the most important thing.
I realize I was trying to explain myself to people who just didn’t understand me. I was focusing on the wrong people.
I don’t think I’ll have to over explain myself to you. It’ll be easy. I am praying for God to prepare you and myself for what’s ahead. I pray that you will hear God and obey Him in everything. I pray God keep you safe and open your heart to be vulnerable with others. I pray a hedge of protection over both of us that no weapon formed against us shall prosper. I pray we will not be discouraged.
God protect us from those that want to take us off the path you have for us. Shield us from those that want to destroy hope in us.
I just woke up from a dream where I was in a car with a girl (her name is Alicia) and we were talking.
I was driving her car and for some reason as we were venting the car started moving on it’s own. I heard God say “move”.
Move from unforgiveness and hatred to forgiveness, move.
God started speaking to me about the world. He said there are countries that will self destruct because of hate and hardness of heart. Yesterday I listened to two people and they cried to me. One was a girl and one was a man from Yemen. At first I was mad about how this guy treated him but then I realized that God was breaking his heart for a reason. Sometimes we are hard because of self protection and hurt will cause our hearts to break. God also led me and this girl to someone who previously hurt her. I felt to go eat somewhere but then I felt to go to a specific restaurant and she was there.
Keep your heart soft, keep crying, keep breaking and don’t allow the hatred and hardness of the world consume you.
I notice a lot of hardness of heart recently. I notice even myself wanting to shut people out because they were offensive, hurtful, mean. I notice that I didn’t even want to converse about hard things, wanting to run away from confrontation.
But the dream woke me up and God was showing me what the bitterness of heart can do.
I want you to take the time and think about everyone who has hurt you recently, people who have misunderstood you or hurt you and take the time to forgive them. Talk to them and have a conversation about how you feel. And don’t shut people out. I love you friends.
And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26
I have never seen a man cry like this but it was what I needed to see.
He told me that he had been praying for a wife and he had nobody else, that his mom died. The Lord gave me knowledge when I was on the dance floor that there was someone I needed to meet. He said “go to the middle” of the dance floor. I looked around and suddenly someone grabbed my arm. Honestly at first, I thought he was creepy but then when I asked if he was Christian he said yes. When God gave me knowledge that his mom died I asked about his mom and he immediately started crying.
He didn’t understand why God sent me there when he was trying to have fun.
I said that sometimes you need to cry and breakthrough, not have fun, plus most people were on drugs and I don’t really think that’s fun. I hugged him and said that he was not an orphan but a child of God. I could feel the love of God towards my heart and towards his heart. He told me he had also been praying for a wife and he wanted either an Asian or black woman. He said that he was tired of being alone and persecuted and blamed for things that was not his fault. He quit gang banging, quit selling drugs and is going to school but yet things are getting harder. I said that the right path is always hard. He said he could get a woman in a second when he was in a gang. I believe that’s why God led me to him. To show him that there are woman who are following God’s path and they’re worth being with. He had invited me to his hotel and I said that I am actually waiting until marriage to have sex. Plus to be honest I was not interested in him but I could understand his desire for company (even on separate beds).
I just woke up from a dream where I was in Monrovia waiting in line to watch a movie and then I met some guy. Then I ran into a high school friend named Oreo, I asked if she wanted to watch a movie and we chose a movie that cost $28.21 and I was like “this is really expensive” but I guess it’s worth it. When I woke up I heard to go to Monrovia, so we shall see who I meet!
Each morning I hear the Lord tell me “your soulmate is coming”. I walk by this new restaurant that is opening up called soulmate. It’s a reminder of God’s promise.
I felt in my Spirit to write this.
I’m excited to meet you. For some reason, everyone else feels like a foreigner. I feel close to people but I know what I want now. I want a best friend, someone I can talk to for hours and it’s strange because I am meeting more people like that. I meet men that I can talk to for hours now. I understand what it means to have someone affirm you. I didn’t have that before. Yesterday I met someone who kept saying I am beautiful. I know you’ll be someone who will often affirm me and make me feel secure in your love for me and I will do the same for you. You won’t be disgusting to me, you’ll warm my heart. Your hands are familiar, they are known. I know that I will not have to walk on any eggshells to talk to you, it’ll be like I’ve known you for years.
There is no fear in my love for you. There is no awkwardness, there is no forcefulness, just ease.
I call you when I want to and you do the same, there’s no rules or fear in communication.
You don’t touch me from a place of lust, but a place of love. Your hands are familiar, not foreign. You’re not here to take from me but to give to my spirit. You love the Lord the same way I do and you don’t love from a place of fear, but a place of ease and comfort. You understand your identity in Christ, you’re grace filled. We love to adventure together and we love to travel together. You focus on me, no one else, your eyes don’t divert. There is no feelings of insecurity.
I’m excited to meet you, and maybe I’ve already met you. I pray God protect you, keep you pure and I pray that you will know the BEST IS COMING and not try to settle for less. I’m your best and you are my best! Many people doubt me and tell me I should not wait for marriage to have sex but I trust that you are doing the same. I tell them that God has the best for me and I freely receive the BEST God has for me.