I woke up at 5:30am and you said to write a letter to you.
So here goes. I think nowadays people have a hard time relating. They don’t ask questions anymore and they don’t talk anymore. People just tell you what to do. They don’t talk about their feelings. I guess sometimes I have a hard time telling you what’s on my heart too because maybe I feel like you don’t care? Or because my dad never seemed to care. But it’s not true. You do care. You care a lot. But it’s weird how we think you don’t.
At church, we were taught to just listen. We weren’t allowed to have an opinion.
When I started singing something not on the page, people got mad, what the heck is singing in the spirit? They didn’t understand it. I felt super judged then.
We live in a society filled with judgement and hate. There is no understanding. It’s only about right or wrong. There is no two way street, it’s a one way street and it’s a fast street, a highway really.
A lot of times I felt like I had to explain myself and that came with a lot of strife. There was no listening on the other person’s part….or fast reactions, as if peoples’ identity depended on being right.
I guess people don’t listen or relate anymore. People don’t write letters to each other or really take the time to understand each other.
Yesterday I tried to talk to a friend and he was very vague about how he felt, everything seemed blurry. I wondered if maybe when he tried to share how he felt, people dismissed him or judged him.
I find it sad that people pass fast remarks. People love to judge, it’s like they get a gold award for judging, it puzzles me.
Maybe that’s why people freak out when I prophesy something to them they don’t want to hear, because they think you are trying to control them. That puzzles me too. You’ve never shown yourself to be a tyrant and the only reason you lead me to anything or anywhere or anyone is because you care for me.
But yah sometimes I can get caught up with the people I meet too that I forget about my own needs. Like I’ve been wanting to eat more fruits and vegetables but I haven’t had the time to buy groceries.
I think it’s because I just want to relate to people.
When I call my mom she gives me a one word, two sentence call. It’s always something practical, there’s no emotions there. My dad, well he doesn’t talk to me, so there is no relating there.
But I also find getting close to people strange and weird, I feel my heart shutting down when I am understood. Yesterday I had a divine appointment and he went on a semi-rant, a very heady logical rant about some heady intellectual concept.
When we stop relating, we start becoming logical and legalistic.
I feel overwhelmed by the process of learning to be in relationship with people. I realize maybe I never really knew how. Or I did, but seems like I often pushed aside my emotions or feelings because I didn’t want people to leave or abandon me.
Yesterday I told someone how I felt and he was not happy. I pissed him off. Or actually what you told me to tell him pissed him off. You do a good job of giving me messages that piss people off, this I’m also annoyed by. Why use me as a messenger when I can just be a normal person who puts their head down?
My friend said following you is way hard and maybe she doesn’t want to follow you all the way, but I know that it’s worth it.
Because I’m on the other side of having been in the prison as Joseph was. I was denied and betrayed, thrown in the pit. I followed you even when my mom turned against me and my own friends stopped helping me, I followed you into the dark, with a suitcase, not knowing how I would survive, where I would sleep or what I would eat.
I faced my BIGGEST fears.
The fear of judgement, rejection, starvation, of being homeless, of possibly being killed or assaulted, etc. I had to TRUST YOU with my life because not everyone wants to land in a foreign country by themselves….and especially NOT have a plan, which is what happened. You told me not to book where I will stay because you said someone will house me. I had to trust you completely.
Remember when I went to Samoa and you told me not to book anything? You told me to talk to the person next to me on the plane and even ask for a donation as he was going to help me?
I was surprised he gave after I told him my testimony. He didn’t question me like the others.
I got off the plane with the money he gave me (as I had probably $20-30 in cash and that’s it) and then I asked him for a ride. In the car was a mother and two kids, one named Rebecca Mia (Rebecca the gift). I felt you asking me to ask her to stay with her.
She responded “this morning I cleaned out the guest room, I felt like someone was coming”. She was also Christian. We had more in common than I expected. More so that her life experience was similar to my mother’s. We shared a commonality in pain.
But you have such a great way of leading me to people that have a similar story. We bond when we cry together, but sometimes it can be difficult. Sometimes and maybe because of betrayal, silence of my father, I feel that I’ve suddenly retreated into myself and not want to talk to you on an emotional level.
Hey God do you hear me?
Yes- I’m here.
You should ask me some questions, because that’s what fathers do.
What’s your favorite color? My favorite color is pink right now, it used to be orange and I also like black and blue. I like the rainbow.
Who do you like? I like my friend, I like talking to her, but recently she doesn’t really like you it seems, maybe because you’ve been trying to set her free and it’s never fun to confront our deepest fears. I also like a few other friends, people I have interests in…but they’re not all nice all the time, I find people difficult sometimes.
Like not everyone says what’s on their mind and it’s frustrating. There are also guys who lie to themselves and say they can just be friends but deep down, they’ll be heart broken if they know they’ll never have a real chance with me.
I don’t like to hurt people. Dating is weird. Dating is very strange to me. Why talk or converse when you know they’re just not it.
But I think dating is really about learning to relate and talk to each other.
Dear God, I have a rash on my neck, please heal it in Jesus name. I hear “fear of the unknown”. I cast out the fear of the unknown now in Jesus name.
I guess that’s how I feel about the future….everyday I tell people how I feel, I meet divine appointments, I’m okay flowing with you God, I like doing it.
However, people are unpredictable. One moment they are nice and the next, they are triggered. People have so many triggers, they get angry really fast. That scares me. I guess it reminds me of my mom. She was – wow- too much? And maybe because of her, I’ve toned down my emotions and shut down my heart. But now I know it’s okay to be angry or sad.
We always want to be in control and when we are not, we freak out. I notice people will do anything to be in control of their emotions, they don’t want their true colors to show. Apparently, you’ve used my mother to train me to not be afraid of peoples’ reactions.
Because it is obvious that people have all kinds of triggers. They even get mad if I say the word trigger.
Anyways, I’ve talked enough. Let’s talk later.
How do I feel?
I feel a bit annoyed by what happened today. You just love to use me to piss people off by telling them the truth. But I’d rather be honest than to BS, I’ve done enough people pleasing in my life, I’m done with that. I also love the show Never Have I Ever. It is awesome, one day I’ll write a tv show like that, but better. Of course the main character will be an Asian girl. I’ll probably write a tv show about my life. It’s been a wild ride.
Would you consider giving a contribution or donating to this ministry? God leads me to divine appointments everyday, I pastor people who are unconventional, who have been rejected by the church or by their parents, some are drug addicts living on the streets, some are just really isolated people who have no friends, some just have high walls up in their hearts. Many of them I prophesy for them to go home because they have a fear of being rejected by their parents….most likely they have already experienced lots of rejection from their family. I was like that myself. But God taught me to speak up to my mom and tell her how I feel, without a fear of rejection. It’s never really become easy though. I’ve just grown in my capacity to have patience and love for her.
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The Lord told me to go to Pasadena and I was talking to someone I had already met on the bus before and this man with a pot came on the bus. I felt led to talk to him so I left the elder that I was talking to.
He said he was going to San Francisco with just the clothes off his back. He had a pot for drumming. He told me he was a foster kid, adopted, and had 5 brothers.
God told me to tell him to go home and that he was worthy of love. We spent a few hours talking at the park. I asked him if he had any money for food and got him some food. Sometimes people feed me and sometimes I feed them. I felt sad that he felt like he had to change himself to be loved by people.
I spent many hours and days of my life fixing myself before I hung out with people. I tried to cheer people up by being a cheerleader, by always being in a good mood. But the truth is, I was crying at home.
Now I can present an authentic self to people…..though it hasn’t always been this way.
People get offended when I say I minister to lost sheep, but that is the truth. God told me that I pastor lost sheep. I was lost too, I didn’t have anyone “shepherding” me but it’s because everyone who tried to help me tried to control me. So I’ve found a way to love people who are heavily wounded.
It’s not always easy though. Sometimes I get hurt in the process of loving people. But then I’m also honest about how I feel. Look, in the past I would’ve been like “oh yah, I forgive you”, but now I’m more honest.
“Hey, I don’t get this situation, and I’m still mad so give me some time to process”.
Instead of coming up with a blanket reply that will ease any tension….which is what I used to do, be the “better person” but then write off all my emotions.