God told me to try on rings yesterday
There was a wilderness season in my life I was constantly tired. My heart was tired of betrayal and hurt.
And in a season God has been opening my heart I see kindness sometimes as an act of suffocation. Because at what point are you going to betray me?
When are you going to start yelling at me?
I’d rather be alone my heart would say.
Kindness seems like a burden and a guilt trip. For when you want to bring it up again.
Because kindness was not freely given to me, it was earned. So I don’t want it. Because when will you use it against me?
This morning I felt anxious in my heart and my mom was asking me things when I wanted to have uninterrupted sleep.
I wanted to be alone as I had a full day of ministering. I had listened to stories that were sad and twisted and I had to prophesy to dead bones.
Yesterday God told me to go to the abbey and He led me to eat around the corner and was led to lost sheep. He told me to sit at the bar.
I listened to stories of betrayal and disappointment and I felt pain in my heart.
Perhaps those were emotions I felt myself.
I told him it wasn’t his fault what happened.
You know how you get to a point in your life and you look around but don’t see what you dreamed of.
Instead you’re living in a studio with your mother and you feel claustrophobic?
And the promises of God has been too long delayed and you feel like God has forgotten you?
Well I told Him God hasn’t forgotten you.
I felt like I was talking to myself.
I had poured out my life as an offering and felt like I was beaten up and left for dead at the side of the road.
And what causes me to keep going?
I don’t know- stupid faith. Really stupid faith.
Just this unshakeable knowing that God is for me.
But it’s still hard at times and that fear creeps in. Or you meet someone (me) a couple days ago who asks you to be his girlfriend and you tell him no because you don’t want to be with someone who gambles and smokes weed.
And then he calls you back and he is asking for a favor. He is asking for money because he spent it gambling. And you give him $20 for gas because you feel bad for him (cuz he made it sound like everyone left him and he has no one else) and then you realize oh my god.
He was just using me. Am I enabling him? He’s an addict he needs help. I don’t even know him that well.
And then you forgive because you know grace is sufficient.
But then you feel used.
People. Issues. Agendas.
And then I got mad at myself because why did I even hang out with him? He was someone God led me to to minister to and perhaps to heal my heart but then he became attracted to me and vice versa. But I knew he wasn’t it. I deserved better. Even though he was actually Christian.
And then you’re disappointed because you’re tired of allowing men into your life that has no capacity and no ability to love you.
And then you’re tired, you’re tired of loving.
I have a bag of wedding magazines and a notebook. God told me to start planning. Can my heart actually hope after one disappointments after another?
What I’ve found to be the key is to feed your heart. Do what makes you happy even if it’s a small thing. Hey look heart, you can feel joy. Watch a movie that makes you laugh. Don’t give up heart.
I understand why my ex would disappear for 3 days without notice. He said he needed space. He wasn’t able to feel too much love, he wasn’t able to let love in. Because if he did it meant he would possibly get hurt.
And eventually he did.
He sobbed when I broke up with him. But he never experienced it fully, he was cold. He kept me at arm’s length. ￼
But you don’t have to throw yourself into love that is not deserving of your presence.
You deserve better. Don’t settle.