My heart feels numb, like it’s been pierced and it’s in shock.
I will start to write more openly about the process God is bringing me through. In the last year God has been speaking to me about meeting my husband soon but up until then He has been opening my heart to love. He’s brought men into my life, like how Tinder would bring dates, well God is also a matchmaker.
He brings people into our lives to heal us and open our hearts to love.
When we are alone, it’s safe and easy. We can be logical, we can be in control but when our hearts are involved it’s a risky business and it hurts.
We often think that God will just bring our husband and we never have to get hurt.
We think that we can live in the certainty of marriage but God wants you to risk your heart and trust Him.
Because love is a risky business.
So even if you know something will end, God may still encourage you to try. He told me I’d meet someone but I didn’t think it would be the first day in India.
We liked each other and laughed a lot but the day came where I knew I had to move on. In fact, love was present. We were mirrors to each other. We had mommy and daddy issues.
One day I went with him to a friend’s house. It was the daughter’s birthday and the dad lived elsewhere. I could sense that he probably had affairs.
I felt pain in my shoulder when I left.
I was sitting on a ledge and found myself having a physical and mental breakdown. I couldn’t move, my body felt heavy and I wanted to cry.
I started crying and felt better.
And then I realized the imaginary reminded me of my childhood. An absent father who cheated on my mom.
A deep wound was unveiled as i tried to understand it through tears.
He tried to be logical, tried to fix me and I shouted “can’t you just listen?” Adding a cuss word as well.
I told him what happened and he explained that he cried the other day as he missed me. I said sometimes I feel like there is a wall I cannot break through to him, and I realize with all my ex it was the same way. So with my dad.
My dad ran away from emotions by drinking. To this day, every time I think he’s opened up he disappears. He’s already disappeared in my life but even on social media messenger, he will be not be respondent.
God chooses people who have broken pasts and broken hearts to mend the world, He doesn’t choose perfect people. He chooses people who understand pain.
I for one understand it too deeply.
Yesterday God told me I needed to end it gently. He told me through 2 dreams that when I wait on His timing, He will bring the best.
Some people are here to mend our wounds temporarily, to help us in our healing journey. If we make the mistake of keeping them when God only ordained them for a season we will not walk into what God has for us.
A lot of women come to me and ask me “can you ask God if He is the one?” They want certainty without risk. Love is risky and God wants us to trust Him with our hearts, not the certainty of that relationship.
But there is also a time when you know God has told you to move on and our hearts don’t want to because we are scared we’d be lacking without that person.
You are never lacking when you have Jesus.
Today I pray that God would teach you that He is a safe God to entrust your heart to.
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