I lived the earlier part of my life avoiding confrontation.
I mean I let people step on me. People thought I was the forgiving and forgetful type but the truth is no one is. Everyone gets hurt. My high school best friend dated a guy I went out with and dumped without telling me.
I heard about it from someone else.
She got dumped by him later on, and the whole time I knew but didn’t tell her, and she never mentioned it.
5 years later I’m at a retreat and God says “you’ve got to confront her”. So I had a meeting with her. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
“So I know this was 5 years ago but when you started dating my ex I was hurt that you didn’t tell me”.
She said “I thought you’re the forgiving type”.
I was way too loving. I mean, maybe I was so giving that people thought I had no feelings.
This came from a childhood of mommy pleasing. She was dramatic in her emotions. I mean she had a right to be right? A single mother raising two kids on her own.
So I catered to her, took care of her, made space for her emotions….and brushed mine aside. There was no room for my negative emotions so I became the sun in the sky, the cheer in the room, I brightened up every room to cover the pain and darkness in my own heart.
But I was not okay.
And no one really asked. They loved me, or they liked that I only helped them. I didn’t bring toxic energy to the table, only laughter.
But I was drained, exhausted.
One day I returned home sobbing.
I was teaching Sunday school, doing worship and leading youth group.
I was exhausted from doing and not being.
I rested for two years when God intentionally asked me to but suddenly felt caught up in the doing recently. I had to slow down. I had just traversed the world and my legs were sore, my shoulders ached and my heart ached even more.
Ministry wounding is a real thing. You pour out your heart to people but you often don’t get anything in return.
Instead you get poked with a sword, or some kind of back stabbing tool.
The sheep bite.
Recently I realized that I was addicted to overhelping and it drained and exhausted me. Deep down I felt like if I wasn’t helping someone I wasn’t worthy of love or that people would abandon me.
I have a family history of people walking away from me. And perhaps me walking away from people too because they’re so critical.
Grace means you receive something you didn’t work for and I realize I started working to receive versus just receiving.
In order to just receive, you have to rest and to let go.
And freely receive.
How about you?
Are you an overhelper?
I pray this post brings revelation to your spirit and healing as well.
Today I told my friend that something she did hurt me. When’s the last time you told someone they hurt you?
That’s emotional vulnerability.
Honesty. Then she told me things that she’s never told me. That’s the kind of friendship I want, honest friendships, not the people pleasing type.
I read recently that when you’re an overhelper you tend to say yes then resent that person later. I don’t want anyone to help me out of obligation and vice versa.
I think we are almost about to meet our life partners – some of you out there, singles.
These lessons teach us how to communicate in our relationships.
Much love xoxo
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Rebekka Lien 