Let Love In- It Takes A Village To Raise A Kid

I realize today that I don’t need to own anyone, or belong to anyone. That I just need to love and receive the love that comes to me at any given moment. I can choose to keep my heart open or I can shut down.

Today I choose to open my heart to love, and my heart may fear but I’ll say yes again and again even if I’m afraid to get hurt.

I can choose to love the people God leads me to and it may not make sense, but I can embrace them and tell them that I love them and actually never see them again. It sounds strange, but it’s true.

Some people come for a season, some for a day, some for a few hours and you can allow them to go because their path is different than yours. Maybe they need to learn how to say no, maybe they need to learn to say yes when love comes.

Some people need to learn how to set boundaries and some need to learn how to speak up.

Everyone has a different journey and a different season.

When my ex best friend stopped talking to me I felt like it was my fault. A few months later she told me she was pregnant. I realized that I kept trying to help her break away from guys that were not good for her. But those were her demons, not mine. I needed to let her go so that she could learn to speak up to her giants. We were becoming codependent because I was carrying a load that was not mine to carry.

Today I got to meet with someone and I said “it’s not your fault”. I felt this recognition in his eyes. He said “I say that to myself everyday”.

Do you blame yourself for your breakup? Yes. He said.

I said “it’s not your fault”.

I was speaking to myself. I blamed myself for so many things, as a child of divorce. I blamed myself for everyone’s mood, behavior. I thought it was all my fault. It was a lot to carry.

“Dad doesn’t talk to me because I’m hard to deal with”.

“People ghost because I’m too much”

Whatever the excuse I made for others, but it was never their fault. And I realized that I needed to set myself free from carrying other peoples’ sins.

It is a father’s responsibility to take care of his kids and he did not. So no it’s not my fault. The gravity of his sin destroyed peoples’ lives, but God is a God of redemption.

And God took care of me. God used many males to fill the role of my father. God used drivers to speak to me, passerby’s, whoever He could. He used female drivers to talk to me the way I would want a mother to talk to me, they spoke life into me even though my mom could not. God used hundreds and thousands of people to minister to my Spirit as I ministered to theirs.

Love doesn’t need to come from your parents alone. It’s too much responsibility on two people. God uses a whole village, even the world to raise a kid. I traveled the world and met “home”. I went home to people who embraced me for who I am.

It’s not your responsibility to take care of anyone, God uses a whole world………and so release those people who need to find courage within themselves and God to step out and speak to people other than you.

SOW-

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Finding Home In LA- What Family Looks Like To Me

“For 20 years, she worked at her job, bored”- she said. “But for some people stability is what they want”. She, is Maiko, a stranger I met at Starbucks. She had these harem pants that I loved and commented on back in January. The strangers I meet all over the world, never cease to amaze me. Perhaps these strangers become strangely acquainted, then they become friends, with the same vision to pursue a life worth living. The universe never fails to bump people together.

In a few days, my friend will be flying to Hawaii by herself, in July she’ll be going to London to pursue her dreams of perhaps becoming a designer, a hair stylist…the journey can lead her anywhere. We sat, sipping our green tea.

I said “don’t ever give up, don’t ever settle. Also remember I’m here if you go through hard times and need a friend, call me.” Those who choose their own path- need people like them to keep them going. I know how easy it is to give up. I could have already given up and chose to work at a corporate office and live off my biweekly paycheck instead of recycling bottles and eating tofu for dinner. 

But I ain’t giving up now, knowing that there are others going before me. This weekend a shift will happen in our house. For once, I am the one staying. Friends will be stopping by from Oregon, some will go to San Francisco and Hawaii, others will come to LA. For once, I’m finally growing up and willing to settle, to find community and to be taken care of.

What does settling look like for me? Being okay with having a home. In LA. I’ll always travel, but LA will always be home for me. I’m okay with staying and having long term relationships here, to be part of a family. For once, I get what family is. They’re there for you even when you can only offer ramen noodles. 

Thanks to Clare, Shaina, Jane, Jessica in Boston, Alex who is about to go to SF, Andrew my love,  Kuku, Lauren, Heather, Maiko who is leaving, Sarah/Ben, Janna, Lois/Kurt, Jaymie, Jeanne…for showing me what family looks like. Of course, MANY MANY more friends that have shown me you’ll ALWAYS be there.

We may be worlds apart, but we’ll always be family. Join me as I go to Ecuador to see my sponsored kid! 

During my BDAY!

This is probably most reflective of my friends and I- we are nuts, we are insanely passionate peope.

what is home when it has become prison

Release me from this prison called home dwindling into pieces and echos

the food delicious has gone awry with anger and tears

release me from this prison called home

this expectation that shadowed your head all your life is meant for you to forgive

not for me to carry as a burden on my back

sorry to you. that you gave birth to me

sorry to me maybe that i was born.

but i was born with a clean slate. and ima keep clean from the past

whatever it takes, God release me from this prison. or make her somehow face her pain.

it is not mine to carry, release me please.

i am not god, nor am i able to be a security or happiness for anyone. no one i must say.

what is home when it has become. just that. a prison of expectations?