Healing The Father Wound

image0

Me in Hamburg, Germany

How long since I actually took a nap?

Since I lay down here, and just relaxed, and let go, and just be.

It’s been awhile. I felt strange, I got a headache.

I took a nap. I woke up feeling depressed and hungry. I was thinking about the mediocre Mac and cheese from Sprouts. I didn’t really have an appetite. I decided to call a friend after crying. I started weeping while telling her that I still felt a lot of sadness towards accepting that my dad will never be what I want him to be. My friend said it’s actually the same thing as grieving a death. But it’s worse because that person actually have a choice to reciprocate love.

My realization-

“God what I want is a relationship with my dad, and that’s one thing I want and I can’t have it. I pursue it, but nothing. I’m cut off. He’s unable to have an emotional connection”. He is an alcoholic. Instead of confronting, speaking up he turns to alcohol. He lives on the other side of the world in Taiwan.

My whole life I shut down my heart, I didn’t know how to address it. I would suddenly detach myself from people and want to be alone. I’d want alone time because it was safer to be alone than to be hurt by someone.

I’d have a huge desire for emotional intimacy. I’d meet someone I really like but then if I knew he wasn’t it, I’d disappear, they would also disappear. We’d knew how to cut each other out of our lives, but there was no acknowledgement, I didn’t know how to talk through it.

I attracted men who were emotionally and physically absent….men I could not be in relationships with, men who I met ten thousand miles away that I would need to say goodbye to when I had to get on another flight.

It was too hard to face the pain of a possible connection, then ending that connection.

I felt immense emotions, I loved the initial high. I loved the romance and sure I’d get sad when I had to leave to another city, but at least I was safe from intense pain. I was safe from connecting long term and disconnecting. 

I knew that none of them were my husband.

But that was my process. God had to heal me and it’s taken 31 years of my life. I was that little girl in a corner, playing by herself in kindergarten. I felt unwanted by my father. I felt abandoned and rejected.

This season God has been breaking open my heart and healing every wound…by bringing me to a place of vulnerability where I can open my heart up to people. These people are also going through the same thing. 

These are people who will love me for who I truly am.

And that means I am completely open and vulnerable with you too. Whoever you are. I am speaking to you.

It’s not easy to open your heart but it is the most fulfilling thing you’ll ever experience in your life. 

Nothing else matters, no house, no car, no material possession, no accomplishment…

You can win the Emmy’s and have no one to cry with.

I am so happy I have people to cry with, people who I can be completely honest with. I’m grateful I can tell them “when you did this, it hurt” and I’m grateful that I can admit that I’m scared, angry, lonely, sad to them.

I’m glad I can talk about Jesus and penises all in one conversation. I can be completely honest and not have to censor myself to one topic. It is merging our faith with our humanity that truly makes us human.

I’ve been trying to figure out the future, trying to do instead of be because I didn’t want to face the emotional pain in my heart.

It hurts that my dad has no capacity of being in relationship with me.

It hurts that I have to go back to Taiwan to even talk to him.

But thank you God for healing this pain in my heart. Thank you that I am moving forward, I’m facing the pain and understanding the patterns in my heart that prevents me from wanting to be vulnerable and honest with people.

image1

One of my best friends in Kindergarten

Now I’d like to be myself and know that people will not reject me. I have those people now. I won’t hide underneath the guise of people pleasing anymore because God has given me courage to speak my truth, even if others are offended by it. 

Sure, I was persecuted and I offended people when I was ministering on the road, but it’s given me the courage and strength to always speak my truth no matter what the reactions are. 

It is harder to speak your truth to people you are close to than strangers, because you face the risk of losing them.

But maybe those who can’t take the truth are not really your friends.

I kept thinking God what should I do…instead of facing my emotions. It’s easier to be busy than to be vulnerable with God (and people).

God that’s the only thing I want. I want to be naked emotionally and unashamed, like Adam and Eve before sin entered the world.

He has been preparing me for marriage and it’s HARD! REALLY HARD, this process is exposing me so much. But I’m ready, I’m so ready.

Marriage is not just about finding someone you love but being able to be emotionally vulnerable with our life partner. Are you speaking your truth to those around you now? Your friends and family? 

Sow a Seed (make a donation)-
Thank you for your contribution. May the Lord bless you abundantly! My vision is to see people be who they truly are, with no shame or guilt, knowing that they are enough in God’s eyes.

https://www.paypal.me/rebekkalien

https://venmo.com/Rebekkalien

YOU ARE ENOUGH NEW PODCAST

Book A Mobile Coaching Session 

 

A Letter To My Dad- Love Isn’t Afraid of Rejection

break-up-breakup-broken-14303.jpg

“Hi Dad, I wanted to write you. I deleted line by accident when I came back and had no way to contact you. I often feel like we stop talking to each other when I come back to America, it’s like we don’t even know each other. It grieves my heart.

As much as I don’t want to feel like this, I feel like I’m often waiting for you to reply. In this way, I feel like I’m waiting for things to happen in my life. I try to make things happen as soon as possible but then God will tell me to let go of control. I’m angry that you don’t write me, it really makes me angry and sad.

I’m angry that you don’t tell me how you feel.

I know you are stressed out but because I want a relationship with you, I feel like I am trying as much as I can, but it’s always been a one way street.

Every time we get close, I leave and we no longer talk to each other. I feel like I’m back at square one.”

Today God had me approach a guy at the Korean spa. I was wondering where God wanted me to go and He told me to go to the sauna. He told me to eat with him but I didn’t want to. Later he came to comment on my food and I said I liked his hair. I said “do you want to sit with me?”

He said “no, I have a headache”.

I said “I can pray for you”, reaching out to touch his head. He said “no, it’s okay but you can pray for me from there”.

Later on, I saw him sitting near me so God told me “go sit with him” (I fought God for a few minutes) and I brought my food over, sitting right in front of him. I said “I heard God say ‘love isn’t afraid of rejection'”.

He frowned and said “Then don’t be afraid. I really want to be alone” and moved to a table far from mine.

Later on, I approached him even though I really wanted to run. I mean it’s embarrassing to be rejected right? By a stranger?

I said “I’m sorry I crossed your boundaries but you seemed like a cool person. God bless you”. He said “it’s okay”.

I felt sad that I had the answer to heal his headache and to give him a word from God but He was not willing to receive it. I’m pretty sure he was gay too, so he probably had been rejected by a lot of people in his lifetime.

God said to me “look at all those people eating alone, afraid to let people into their hearts”.

Love isn’t afraid of rejection. It will reach out and be rejected, but it will keep trying. After that I felt really tired and felt mad that God made me do that so I knocked out for about 2-3 hours to my surprise. I heard him say “let go of control”.

I cannot control if my dad will ever contact me again. The one time he actually replied in 7 months (of messaging him) was when I said “tomorrow I’m landing at 9am, make sure to pick me up”.

He said he was stressed and busy with life. 

Priorities.

What do you prioritize? Do you prioritize your work, money, ministry or the people you value in your life? Do you prioritize yourself, your well being?

Sometimes we think we need to be alone, but actually that’s a disguise for not letting people in. And we need to be loved to survive and thrive in this world. I used to feel burdened by people because I was unable to voice my opinions and needs in a relationship but I’m starting to see that those who are willing to listen and not be offended are true friends. 

I let people step on me in my earlier life and when I finally voiced my opinions it backfired. Apparently, they only liked me when I fit their description and expectation of who I should be. 

I can’t rush to change people. I can’t rush to restore everything in one day. I lost a lot in the last few years, things I’m trying to recover but God showed me when it’s time, He will do it. He led me to speak at an open mic without my knowledge, He gave me a new friend via instagram, He brought me to a concert to minister to the youth.

I have to trust God’s timing and not rush it. God I’ll let go of control. Are you willing to?

Rejection isn’t a sign of YOUR WORTH. Rejection is simply a process of life. You will be rejected by jobs, opportunities, people, but you will need to stand on the firm foundation of Jesus and know that you are ACCEPTED AND LOVED BY GOD. 

Love isn’t afraid of rejection. I heard God say “I am not afraid of rejection”.

This morning God also told me to give and then ask for donations so I did. However, everyone said no except the one girl I donated to and she sowed some money back to me as the Lord asked me to ask her to do. When I did that I realized that fear of men left me. The last few days I started to fear people’s opinions for some reason. I was telling someone about Jesus and her face contorted, as in she was offended.

It was on the uber ride home that I met an ex-jehovah witness who gave me $10, which is a lot considering the ride was $14. I was really surprised because most people said no but he actually gave. 

You never know who will say yes and today’s lesson is that you cannot be afraid of rejection. You cannot be afraid of what people think. 

I don’t take “no’s” personally anymore but I know that sometimes giving and receiving is a sign of an open heart and today Peter had an open heart. His mother passed away 10 years ago. And he gave $10. Wow. I just realized that. 

God may you heal his heart and open his heart to your love.

Partner with me to change the world- thanks for your donation.

https://www.paypal.me/rebekkalien

https://venmo.com/Rebekkalien

Subscribe – http://www.rebekkalien.com

Breaking Off The Orphan Mindset

pexels-photo-238366

Since the age of 5 I was often home alone, I learned to kill bees on my own as a kid. I felt alone many times as my mom was often at work and I did not grow up with my dad. But in the many years of learning to be independent I learned to rely on God. I felt that I needed to be financially independent as I didn’t want to be a burden on my single mother.

However, I was living out of an orphan mindset. 

I was trusting God for provision however I was limiting Him by not knowing how to ask for help or believing that I was worthy of it.

There were many times on this trip I had to verbally ask for help. For example, asking to carpool or for a ride from a stranger because I had no sim card or way of getting home. So many times our phones actually become our emotional crutch but on this trip I’ve learned to open my heart. 

Recently I watched a movie called “More Than Blue”, it’s a Taiwanese movie about 2 orphans. One whose parents and family died in a car crash, and another whose mom abandoned him. What happens when 2 orphans come together? Codependency.

Here are symptoms of an orphan mindset:

  1. You feel like you have to rely on yourself (and God) and no one else.
  2. You feel like people cannot be trusted.
  3. You feel like love must be earned, and that people will only love you if you are good to them. This results in you putting on a mask or pretending to be happy all the time.
  4. You suppress and stuff your emotions or how you really feel because you’re scared of rejection and that others will stop liking or loving you because of you telling your truth.
  5. You’re ashamed of asking for help, you don’t believe you are worthy of it.
  6. You believe it’s easier to be alone and as a result you don’t know how to share you heart with people.
  7. You carry severe woundedness and feelings of rejection because of past experiences.
  8. You handle pain on your own, you feel that vulnerability is a sign of weakness.

ONE HUGE SIGN of an orphan mindset is that you CONDITION your behavior around those you are around (your behavior depends on who is around you at any given moment). God wants us to come into an alignment in our being to feel the freedom to be who we are without changing no matter who is around us. Most of us don’t feel safe to be who we really are because most people are not safe to be around (to be honest).

What happens when we find stability in our identity in Christ? And we find people who we can be honest with? Powerful authenticity.

There has been a number of movies recently about orphans, Instant Family for example.

Not to ruin the movie or anything (don’t read it if you’re going to watch it)- but they don’t tell each other how they really feel until the man is about to die. And then they lie and coerce each other to do what they want thinking it’s what will make them happy. For example, the guy says “you should get married to someone nice” when in truth he actually loves her…however because he is about to die he fears that she cannot handle the loneliness. He also does not tell her that he is sick.

In truth, she knows he is sick and is handling the pain on her own (orphan mindset). In the end, she married a guy just to make the man he loves happy, then leaves her husband to be by her lover’s side because she didn’t follow her heart to begin with.

Anyways even though I cried my eyes out, I thought to myself “this is really F#$% up”…how dare she use an innocent guy just to fulfill her lover’s wish.

So then, he dies and then she swallows some pills and kills herself.

While I was crying a bunch, God’s like “that’s not love”. I’m like okay I know, but the world seems to romanticize it. It seems romantic to die by your lover’s side.

In truth, the whole relationship started out with an orphan mindset. They felt abandoned and alone and instead of healing together, they basically became an orphan couple.

The girl could have lived a happy life without him if she had Jesus.

pexels-photo-298297

A child of God Mindset: 

  1. Knows that in your weakness, God is strong. It’s powerful to be vulnerable and say how you really feel. You know that the ones who love you will still love you no matter what you say. 
  2. The Lord is your shepherd, you lack nothing. You are enough in Christ Jesus, you are not lacking. Your worth doesn’t come from what you do for others but who you are in Christ.
  3. You have a healthy understanding of building trust, that it takes time, but that your trust is not in people but in God. You understand that people are imperfect and people make mistakes and you understand that forgiveness is important to go on.
  4. You can ask for what you need or want without feeling guilt about it because you know you are worthy in Christ Jesus.
  5. You know that love is honest, not fake and you’re willing to be honest and show your true self. You understand that you heart is also not to be shared with just anyone. You understand your worth.
  6. You can share your pain with others who can be trusted. You know that it’s okay to share your vulnerabilities because it is the beginning of relationship.
  7. Your stability is in your identity of being a child of God, not in what you do or achieve, but in the unconditional love of Jesus.

It took me a long time to put my guard down and trust people, to learn to ask for help. The first time I asked my mom for help I was sobbing because I felt so ashamed. All my life, I was independent and could do everything on my own but it was the beginning of learning to be a child of God.

You don’t receive what you don’t believe you deserve. You receive in life what you believe you deserve. 

So when you live out of an orphan mindset, you don’t believe God can freely give you anything so you work for it, you strive for it, you perform for it.

But when you realize you are a child of God, you learn to rest and receive it knowing Jesus paid the price for it. 

Example-

The prodigal son did not work for His Father’s love and acceptance, in fact he actually wasted his inheritance but received Grace from His Father, it was undeserved. This is grace, undeserved, unearned.

The elder son on the other hand worked for His Father out of obligation and felt bitter when the Father provided the best for His undeserving son. This is living under the law, working for God’s love.

pexels-photo-220413

If my blog has helped you and you would like to contribute and sow a seed into this ministry, please click the links below. God bless you and thank you! 

https://www.paypal.me/rebekkalien 
https://venmo.com/Rebekkalien

Overcoming The Fear of Failure

10933790_10155121400710603_5535846264808152683_n
I believe it was May 1 when God gave me the go ahead to start pursuing opportunities again. To be honest, I was hesitant. I had been in a year of waiting season, healing and restoring brokenness in my heart and allowing God to take away the lies and fears that had boggled up my being.
And the biggest breakthrough in April? My dad asked me for forgiveness for not being there for most of my life.
I needed to hear it. I needed to know that he cared.
And somehow his caring broke open a part of my heart that had been closed off for so long.
It wasn’t my fault after all that my dad neglected his responsibility to care for me.
It wasn’t my fault that my parents divorced, it wasn’t my fault that I lived my early life full of fear, desperation, depression, striving, toil. Even writing about this again causes tears to well up.
I didn’t realize this but I lived in a way where “God if I just do this right, if I just make the right decision then my life will be good. If you just tell me what to do, if you tell me what is good and bad, then I won’t screw up my life more than it is already.”
I was scared of making mistakes, I was scared that I had truly ruined my life somehow with the decisions I had made.
Perfectionism.
Pressure.
Condemnation.
Those were things I felt and lived under.
rebekka3
Grace says “you are enough”, your decisions don’t affect my plan for your life. You are not under judgement anymore. You are in relationship. Trust your gut. Trust that I will never leave or forsake you.
As I venture into new territory, reclaiming the things that was barred from me, reopening lost opportunities, I am learning to trust that God is truly with me. I won’t be afraid of rejection anymore because I know that these rejections only say “something better is waiting for you”. Just this morning, my previous commercial acting agent told me they won’t be able to sign me again. I am relieved because I know God is working a whole new thing for me and I can trust a better thing is waiting for me.
“He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all–how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?” Romans 8:32
1504116_10155121403130603_517628998360843063_n
Photos by Patrick.
I took these photos a few years ago in Hollywood Hills and I knew God had put a calling on my heart to thrive in the entertainment industry. Somehow I went to auditions after auditions for 2 years and the opportunities I did get were reality and travel shows. I felt like every door was shut to me and as hard as I tried, doors were locked. 
Then I was called into a season of rest. May 1, 2017- we are finally out of the waiting room and into the big arena. Yesterday I finally got to see my neighbor’s music studio. His name is Joseph. I am reminded that Joseph had to go through the prison to go to the palace. But he never lost his dreams. 
May we carry on knowing that every dream in our heart is a dream from the maker and that we were conceived to actualize and manifest those dreams into reality.