Getting Lost Will Help You Find Yourself

The word is: question mark?From the age of 18-23 I had my fair share of fun. I went to all the cool events with open bar, got drunk, got free food and free swag bags, dressed up, and felt like I was on top of the world. These days, the glamour has faded a little. I still love dressing up, and perhaps a part of me is waiting for the right thing to go to, yet, finding that everyone has their own life.Sometimes I can relate to Liz Lemon from 30Rock, eating my cheetos, drinking wine or choice beer and watching reruns for 5-6 hours. Of course, I’m packaging goods to mail out as I’m relaxing. Your image of businesswoman as a bachelorette.

The life looks like this, getting my eyebrows waxed, remembering to call a potential client, swerving to the curb to not get caught by police (phone and driving). Today, biking to and partly around Rose Bowl, pondering way too deeply about life and the meaning of it all. I can probably philosophize the meaning of life to death. After a regretted downhill, riding back up and shouting to myself “Don’t GIVE UP!” After an hour of biking and really feeling lightheaded, realizing that I really need to drink more water…

I suppose I’m not the only one.

The 20s are the greatest years, some say.

I have seem to already have done my fair share of traveling, I have lived in 3 different countries, traveled to a few continents, and danced at too many to count shows of dubstep, house, jazz, moshpits, 80s, indie, the glitz makes me want to throw up now. The fashion world is all fake teeth and smiles, gets old too quickly too.

I guess you can call it self-discovery.
Though it can get a little stressful, this whole self- discovery thing.

Perhaps I’m done waiting and wanting the next chapter to open up. Like I kind of want to meet more people that are more interesting, willing to take risks, are really against the norm of society…perhaps I’m done talking about the things that normal people can’t stop talking about (and seriously bore me to death). There’s a whole new world I am just anticipating to enter into. Perhaps I’m just too smart and intelligent, yet have not become an addict yet, and am trying to find a healthier alternative to stop my brain from overthinking.

It’s time for some new experiences, besides biking and discovering different bits of the city- I’m looking for some new adventures.

The following is a message I got from my close friend: I think that we all feel this at some point in our lives, whether it’s us not being true to ourselves, us not following our heart, us not listening to our true passion, or us suppressing the life that wants to live and be fully YOU.
“I get the feeling sometimes I’m living a lie. A feeling I’m holding back, suppressing, and knowingly ignoring something. Dis-easing…I am neglecting my divine purpose the way an inadequate mother chooses to abandon her child. My spirit soul is mourning, denouncing further catalytic deferment. Pleading for attention, it beckons my inner artist and creator to proclaim emancipation from any extension of prosaic jaded existence. Sadness, confusion, estrangement swirl in a muddled slurry of unsolicited discomforting fears. Something is seeking rest; seeking peace of mind, closure having thus been forsaken. I am artistically, creatively, purposefully deprived…constipated from lack of fibrous inspiration…and my entire body/essence knows it. I’m angry at myself yet outwardly annoyed by everything and inconsiderately rude. I get the feeling, often, that I am pathetically concerned with being misunderstood an rightfully anti-social. I get the feeling I couldn’t be anymore overdramatic…and for a split day I feel under the weather..until I remember, I’m not alone in feeling this way. I am not less different or less awesome than any other influential awesome misunderstood artist. I am on the verge of greatness 😛:P. I am surrounded by awesome like-hearted, mountain moving friends like you 🙂:)
I am glad that I am called a mountain moving friend. I am so blessed to be a MOUNTAIN MOVER.
Another news is that, I felt in my spirit that my book needed some rest, that the more I was pushing, the less I was creating GREAT work. Sometimes like people, a book, a project needs space. 
Sometimes you need to get lost to find yourself.
I stare at this everyday now. It reminds me of 3 seasons:
1. CAGE STAGE– Being nurtured, structured, programmed, learning, in community and being in the cage to be fed and to rest.
2. BRANCH STAGE– a bird learns to observe her surrounding, starts walking, crawling towards their very fear or biggest challenges, it starts to be okay with itself, learns to accept SELF.
3. FLYING STAGE– a bird flies and soars, feeling utmost freedom, flourishing, creating and discovering.
Our lives are like cycles of returning to the cage, walking on the branch and flying. We need to realize that our lives are not always filled with successes, but sometimes we need to re-evaluate who we are, our goals, and rest when it’s time to nurture our souls.

Look at the birds of the air…they do not sow or reap or store away in barns

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? matthew 6:26

Since August 1, I’ve been unemployed, voluntarily. I went backpacking for a month and spent all 9 months of my savings to experience once in a life time experiences. I then came back, inspired by my travels, began dreaming again. I started the jewelry business and continued selling on Ebay.

But for the last 4 months, I’ve been happily, living off miracles. Day by day.

Some people frown down upon my lifestyle. They think that I should get a full time job, not knowing my creative and entrepreneurial being. I’ve been living off of faith, knowing that I have a father who provides. It’s a spiritual being whom maybe not everyone believes in. However, it’s just SUPER amazing how father has provided.

I don’t believe in debt, because of my experience of watching people suffer in debt, paying off mortgages, credit card, school loans- I decided in high school that I would NEVER go in debt. As I started to watch my credit card balance increase, fear set in. How was I going to pay for my monthly balance, how was I going to pay rent.

Birds don’t store or save. They don’t have a savings account or even health insurance. I’ve become a bird- free from societal expectations. I’m not irresponsible like some people claim that I am. (This really pisses me off by the way).

Last month, a miracle happened, this month another, miracles keep happening.

Last month, I had a bill of about 571 dollars. Because I had vowed always to pay bills on time, I cut all my unnecessary spending. I didn’t buy coffee, snacks, or anything extraneous for one month. I probably spent $20 a week for groceries, I never ate out. Yet, Father provided the little things to put a smile on my face. For some reason, free things popped up everywhere.

The week before the bill was due, I made $30 or so bucks selling my clothes, I made money on Ebay, found $25 in coins, and miraculously, the day before it was due, I sold $50 in jewelry. I didn’t even try to promote my jewelry, by simply wearing the rings, I was promoting and of course- I always had products on hand.

No I don’t have health insurance or a savings account, I kind of live month to month. I haven’t worked under a full time boss for 4 months, I’m probably the happiest person alive. Call me crazy, but I’m starting to really love being surprised and being provided for.