“I don’t just want to be one of your girls”

I guess that’s how I felt my mom was to my dad. Just another warm body, a woman, not special. Otherwise why would he have gotten with other women. Did she even matter to him? Or was it just infatuation. What makes one person better than the other.

My new friend picked me up and initially I was going to get dropped off but we talked more. He had a pretty traumatic upbringing. We talked about his ex and how his ex promised that she would never hurt him, but she cheated on him the next day. He was depressed for a long time, became psychotic.

I said that when someone starts wanting to become physical with me, I feel unsafe. I only feel safe if they really spent time and have gotten to know me, understood my heart. But most of the time I feel like a prey. I feel used, for their gratification. That’s why I am glad I am waiting for marriage to have sex because I want a man who really honors my heart. What does it take to honor my heart? For someone to really want to communicate with me. Most men don’t want to spend the time to understand my heart. They see your breasts, they want to get physical with you.

I felt unsafe today when someone tried to ask me to go to their apartment. I was just walking by.

I felt unsafe because he seemed drunk.

I don’t feel safe when people are drunk and I am completely sober. I feel unsafe with men who are intoxicated. It reminds me of my dad.

I really suggest to woman not to open themselves up physically to a man if they don’t have the same intention. It is damaging. Men may be able to numb their hearts and not feel a thing, but for women it’s very attaching. The truth is, it is just as emotionally damaging to a man but society says they can take it.

I feel loved when someone takes the time to understand me. I feel loved when they honor my boundaries.

I may complain about people but at the end of the day I know every person I meet is a lesson in communication and love. I want to be special to someone, not just another girl or a warm body.

I want to come home to one person. But until then I know I am special to God.

My mom yelled “go to sleep!” but I didn’t want to. I cried because my heart suddenly hated my dad again. How could he do this to my mom. I could see why God had me live with my mom, because our healing is a mutual thing. Her healing has to do with my healing.

I’ve been talking to her about men and I can tell she cringes when I talk to men. She probably hates them. My brother won’t even talk to her. She for sure hates my dad, after more than 20 years.

But as I heal and talk about my experiences, I can see that it brings healing to her heart. I don’t want to hate men. When I hear sad stories from men, I realize they’re just human, like me. Men have been hurt by women too. I pray today God will heal your heart from your past.

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Do you have regrets about your past relationships?

Do you have regrets? I do.

Sometimes I have regrets about eating fried junk food, calamari, mcdonald’s. I’ve had regrets about my ex best friend, investing time and energy into people that betrayed me. I’ve had regrets about why my heart and God didn’t tell me to buy a car, and why I don’t have anything material to show for the money I could have used towards something material – versus the kingdom of God.

I have regrets about following God even, like recently I was so mad at God for the pain I experienced from people flaking on me, betraying me, walking away.I had regrets about serving God. Because I got hurt.I had regrets about letting people into my heart.I had regrets about liking whoever I liked, or letting them hurt me.

But at the end of it I hear God say this- even to you:“Don’t regret the past, you learned from it. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were living in freedom. Tell me how you feel. You’re not wrong. You didn’t do anything wrong. Keep living in freedom”.Keep living in freedom, keep having fun. I know you fell when you dance, but keep dancing.

I see an image of you on the floor, head down.You head is burrowed in your knees, your knees are bent. There are people playing on the playground and you’re alone. You punish yourself for doing wrong or messing up. Someone yelled at you on the playground, stole your toy, someone stepped on your toy and destroyed it. 

You are really mad at yourself for letting anyone play with your toy. You regret sharing your toy with your friend.

Or you had a best friend but they went to play with someone else, they left you alone. You look dismayed, you are shocked. You never thought they would stop playing with you. You want to give up.

“No one will ever want to play with me”. You think. You feel unwanted, you feel like shit. You don’t want to put yourself out there anymore. You don’t want to make new friends. But you have to. Don’t give up!

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Love can be uncomfortable.

What do I mean by that?

Trying to learn how to communicate. Sure, at first I was annoyed that people were ghosting and refusing to communicate, but now I’m annoyed when someone does want to communicate…but they’re not communicating the way I’m used to.

I said “I feel like you’re talking down to me”.

“And I also don’t like the word damaged”.

I’m not damaged, I’m wounded. Damaged is what you label a broken vase or broken toy that you put on the shelf of Ralphs near the bathroom. Wounded- God heals that and I am enough in God’s eyes. That’s what we argued and talked about.

Arguments can be invigorating because I can hear my voice, I have a voice. It’s not an argument per say, but it’s an opportunity to say how I feel and it’s great.

My mom and I, when we argue, or when I voice my opinions, we get so angry we either leave each others’ sight or we just stop talking until we calm down because the anger is so intense, it creates discomfort. I remember my mom walking out the door every time she felt some kind of emotion.

I can’t say what’s on my mind without feeling the emotions that come with those thoughts.

“Well, be vulnerable if you’re trying to connect with me, don’t just say you feel bad for me…”

There’s so many innuendos, it takes time to understand each other’s heart. There are certain personalities that I am more comfortable with. I don’t like being “talked to or lectured”. I find that a lot of men do that…”this is what you should do”, etc. I am not looking for a man to tell me what to do, I already have a mom that constantly tries to tell me what to do.

Males- you just need to listen and say “I hear you and I see you”.

Most women aren’t looking for your opinion to be honest, or for you to fix the situation…..women just want to be heard.

I like a man who asks questions, is in touch with his emotions. I guess someone who is a bit feminine at heart, gentle. There are certain personalities that aggravate me because I feel like they are talking mostly, and not allowing me to talk.

Today I learned that someone I just met needs a verbal affirmation such as “I understand where you’re coming from” or even a “no I don’t understand or don’t agree with you”. I’m used to just moving onto the next point with no verbal affirmation.

I found myself so uncomfortable, I almost walked away.

Then tears came after I walked into my house. I guess I was uncomfortable with feeling the emotions that came with communicating my heart.

The truth is – I’m scared I’ll always be uncomfortable in marriage. I don’t want to argue all the time…but I also feel relieved that things can actually be talked out. With my mom, we rarely talked anything out. Again, my dad ghosted for most of my life and my brother cut off connection with me.

Our family avoids conflict or my parents have argued in front of me but it never led to resolution. They separated when I was very young. It’s easy to run away from conflict, but conflict is actually part of communication.

Every movie involves a conflict, there are no good movies without conflicts.

But in real life, few people have the emotional ability to talk out their differences or to even tell the truth.

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I hate men right now. I went through a few experiences where I don’t really understand them.

My dad basically ghosted me for 10 years and my whole life.

My brother ghosted my mom and I for years.

Then men I meet ghost too, friends, dates.

I don’t really understand it.

Sometimes I wonder how I’m ever going to marry a man because a lot of times I see them shut down and I’m unable to communicate with them. A lot of men don’t really want to talk through things, they just want to hide and disappear.

I met this guy at a restaurant a few months ago and he contacted me. Asked me to hang out. He picked me up but when I saw him I asked to see his eyes because he was wearing sunglasses. I asked to see it even for a few seconds but he refused to take off his sunglasses. So I said “the whole time we are hanging out you’re going to leave your sunglasses on?”

He said “yes, the sun hurts his eyes”.

But I couldn’t even see him for 1 second?

I do believe he is a lost sheep but at the same time it’s important for me to see someone’s eyes to connect even briefly. I believe eye contact is a source of building trust.

He said that he just wanted to be chill and he said that I was making things awkward so he said that he didn’t want to hang out anymore.

So I got off the car.

And went home. I tried to call or text him but he didn’t reply.

I’ve been led to different spiritual

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I feel out of control.

And sometimes when I feel out of control I retrieve, I want to be alone 

Perhaps I don’t feel safe to feel those emotions

Or perhaps I don’t feel safe feeling them in front of others so I leave 

And isolate myself. 

But I’m starting to see that

I don’t like showing my emotions to people I just met or in group setting – I’m okay one on one and I’ll be vulnerable with people I just met. Some people are not safe though. 

I can show a big part of myself when I am one one one with someone. 

All eyes are on me when I talk about myself – perhaps I’m scared of saying something wrong or perhaps it’s too much attention. I feel like I’m being observed. 

Ministering out in West Hollywood has taught me a lot about myself. At one point I felt so uncomfortable with being the center of attention in a group setting, I walked away. I felt my heart being extended.

I guess God is working in me. I met a celebrity designer and actress and the feeling of inadequacy hit me. One guy wasn’t complimenting me at all, I felt insecure. I started to be aware of the pimple on my face.

You are righteous in Christ Jesus.

I became aware of the fact that I wasn’t wearing anything designer, or that I wasn’t good enough but again God had to remind me that I am enough.

Another uncomfortable experience- people around me are drunk and I am not. In fact, no drinks in my system. Again, I felt like how do I act around people who are drunk. I didn’t feel safe. Again, you are enough God reminded me.

This is all preparation in going higher. What’s my personality like? I am a fun person that is pensive and a deep thinker. I realize there are SO many personality types and it is important to learn who you are despite all the different people you meet.

Give to this ministry- Thank you! God bless! 

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PURCHASE GOODIES

Are you currently dating? Single? Are you scared to get hurt? And why? What has your past experiences been like?

Answer in the comment box!

I am currently dating.

I am afraid to get hurt. Even though I like to cry a lot anyways.

Yesterday I saw this waitress I met a few times at the restaurant. I felt led to go eat there. I told her about waiting until marriage to have sex and she told me she wish she waited because maybe she wouldn’t have gotten married in her 40s, with a child. Then maybe her son would still be alive today.

I told her she no longer needed to regret the past because she is righteous in God’s eyes. 

I said none of it was her fault.

My stomach felt upset and I didn’t know why. I realize that sometimes I overthink things.

I question my decisions because I’ve gotten hurt in the past so I want to shut down and not open up again. My past relationship traumatized me and I said “I won’t get into a relationship unless he is my husband”. It was a long time ago but it really f#$6 me up.

For some reason God is bringing the same situations into my life to heal the past.

“I forgive myself for the past” I said.

I even cried thinking about how I hurt my ex. He would always say “someday you’re going to meet your husband and leave me”. Eventually I did leave him, but not because I met my husband.

So do we live scared? Or do we live life? 

Do we take chances? 

Take chances, even though the consequences aren’t always ideal.

I had an emotional breakthrough yesterday. I felt numb for a few days, couldn’t feel my emotions for some reason. I was scared of pain. But I cried and I realized that it’s okay to love.

I always asked God “why do I keep loving that which will not last?”

God- I’m breaking off the fear of loss.

Do you want to overcome the hurdles that keep you from stepping out? 

Contact me at rebekkalien@gmail.com for coaching/soul talk.

Love you!

Join The Created To Love Support Group! 

Give to this ministry- Thank you! God bless! 

 

He sent me a photo of him and his ex. I don’t know why. I must have been out of his mind. He said that it was a reminder that we were just friends and he did not want to project his feelings for his ex towards me since I reminded him so much of his ex. I wanted to curse him to die because I was so angry. How could he send me a picture of his ex, it disgusted me.

We did get a physical but of course no intercourse. But now we are completely platonic and it feels weird. We have decided to be friends. And of course I still have feelings for him. It is truly difficult. At first I felt a slew of emotions.

Today he decided to pick me up for boba and we talked a little bit but I could feel myself emoting.

First, I wanted to hug him and I felt this need to be wanted. He said we needed to have boundaries. 

Second, I shut down and I felt numb because I knew that I couldn’t want to be with him. He didn’t want me, now I felt unwanted.

Third, I got defensive and angry and I said “I’m over you!” and I stormed off to talk to other people, strangers.

Fourth, he dropped me off and I felt depressed. 

Fifth, I called my friend and started sobbing. She said that he was being selfish and needed to walk away, but of course I had already texted for him to come back, and then a never mind.

Sixth, he came back and we talked whilst I cried. 

I said that I felt unwanted, I felt rejected. I talked about my fear of feeling my emotions because of the fear of attachment. I was afraid to feel abandoned. Now I realize it is okay to feel all of my emotions. 

I said that even if someone doesn’t reciprocate my emotions, I can allow myself to feel those emotions for that person….Now I’m freely able to love without requirements of someone reciprocating. 

Isn’t it every girl’s dream for a guy to treat her like a princess without requiring her to have sex with him. Sure, I’m not saying I don’t want to have sex, it’s a natural urge, but it’s back to innocence.

I suppose I miss just hanging out with a guy friend at school and having innocent banter and jokes in high school. There’s an innocence there and I long for it.

I talk about waiting until marriage to have sex.

Very openly. I tell every uber driver this. Not because I am bragging but because I want to explain what my beliefs are. I’m not waiting out of guilt, I wait out of desire because I know God has the best in store for me. 

Give to this ministry- Thank you! God bless! 

Last night the Lord told me to go to the Abbey and when I arrived I saw a guy sitting across. He had makeup on and a pair of glasses.

I gestured hello and asked if he wanted to sit with me. He was on the phone.

He came and sat with me and we talked about superficial stuff at first, things like “that bartender is so hot”. After a few hours he opened up to me.

I gave him a hug and he said that he was feeling suicidal all day and just wanted a hug. I asked why. I noticed that men started talking to me, or coming by to say hi. I saw his face. He would cringe and he would say things like “he is a jerk”.

He said that his ex boyfriend was abusive and hit him. He said that his ex changed his number so he could continue stalking him. “He would beat me”.

I told him that he deserved the best, he deserved to be loved and treated well. Even though he said he wasn’t Christian, I told him that God loved him very much.

I was saying that to myself as well. We laughed about things but I also felt this deep twinge of pain in my heart. When I got on the Uber, and of course the driver was Christian….I started crying and telling him that I deserved the best. He spoke very little English.

I kept saying “I deserve the best”. 

The last two guys I went on dates with basically were in love with their exes or someone else for the last 10 years.

Was there something wrong with me? No.

I just deserve the best. 

I’m not willing to be second best. 

Heart, LISTEN, never settle.

Heart, YOU DESERVE THE FUCKING BEST!

I’m so grateful that God led me to this guy. He bought me a rose. I know a lot of people ask me why God would tell me to go to the Abbey. The truth is whether someone is gay, straight, bi or trans, they are all STARVING FOR LOVE.

WE ALL WANT TO BE LOVED.

And God sends me there to show them love.

He speaks to our souls and hearts, and He is so loving to break us free of our unbelief.

DO you believe? You deserve the best. You deserve his full attention, you deserve to be first in his life!

Give to this ministry- Thank you! God bless! 

 

 

You’re moving out. You’re expanding. You’re breaking the barriers of your father and mother’s issues and marriage. You’re breaking the negative cycles and you will never be the same. The pain will remain in the past and you will shout for joy. You will receive the inheritance and the promises I have promised you because you didn’t give up when it hurt, when you had to face your past and your mistakes.

You’ve received the full grace, you’ve accepted that I made you righteous by the blood of Jesus. You are whole because of my work, not yours. You’ve been made clean.

Now that’s power. You have power within you, me in you.

Sell everything and follow me.

You’re not your mother or your father. You are not your issues, you are not your things and your possessions. You are not your past, you are whole, clean, pure.

I only see Jesus in you, nothing else. 

Sell everything and follow me. 

Put on the ring and truth of righteousness. You are no longer your sins and your past. 

Forgive those who hurt you, forgive the past, forgive those who have disappointed you.

“I forgive my friends, my ex friends, I forgive my dad and mom, I forgive my ancestors, I forgive. For you forgave them on the cross. I no longer have to play Jesus. I am not Jesus or God. I am not. I denounce false responsibility. I repent for playing God. I am only human. I am not responsible even for my own short comings and for my future. It is by and through grace that I receive your promises, not my strivings”.

I receive it freely, I receive it all freely God. I partake of the meal, I partake of the promises. I partake of the health and abundance that you have paid for already. I no longer have to pay for it. It is free. I am free from my past and I don’t have to punish myself for the past. I am free.

No more guilt, no more condemnation. I am free, I am free, I am free. 

Move out, move out and see that you no longer live inside the box of guilt. You are free. Free to pursue your hearts’ desires. 

I give you permission to run after your hearts’ desires.

They may point fingers, they may not understand, but you run. All the other voices will dissipate, as you embrace love for what it is.

“I just want to be loved for who I am”. Then you will receive just that, a flaming fierce bright love, that will captivate you, hold you and never let go. 

I deserve what is mine, I deserve love that is loyal, true, committed. I deserve passionate love, communicative love, burning and vulnerable love. And you shall receive in 100 fold. Freely, without strife, as Adam and Eve were, free of burdens and free of concerns, under the cool of God’s creations.

You shall receive it. Freely, open your arms now.

Give to this ministry and prophetic word- Thank you! God bless!