Let’s Talk About Love & My Heart

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Write your heart out- I hear the Lord saying.

So I went to get a manicure as it’s been something I’ve been wanting to do. I take a long time to pick the colors I like. Today I took out blue, purple, pink, she started to put purple on and I flinched. I didn’t like the color. I said, can I try blue? After 4 different colors I said I wanted bright pink. She became impatient.

I felt bad for making her mad (even though I waited an extra 30 minutes for my appointment).

Then I had a book of nails and suddenly it fell to the ground, and a bunch of the samples fell out. One of the manicurist had to match the samples one by one back into the book.

Again, I felt bad but kept thinking “I am righteous in Christ Jesus”. I apologized.

Then all of a sudden, I realized I was a perfectionist. Like, I wanted to choose the perfect color but for some reason, I couldn’t find the one I wanted and I try really hard to find the “perfect color” or perfect decisions. 

Then a realization hit me. I had stopped trusting my heart. I totally forgot that I went through a heart break this year. I’m going to be super honest from now on. 

I met a guy in Fiji and really liked him. But it was short lived because we lived in different places (well I live all over the world). In an instant, I thought “f it, I’m just going to love someone and not be afraid to get hurt”.

But of course, like one of those sad romances, there was always an ending. I thought he was going to visit me before he left but then after rushing to his hotel to say goodbye, I learned he had already left because he realized his flight was 5 am in the morning. I was disappointed and thought, well, I actually rushed over like in the movies but in reality, life is not like the movies. 

I also knew that he wouldn’t be my husband because he didn’t believe in Jesus and we were just in very different phases of our lives too, so I knew in my heart that it was not going to last.

Then when I went to India, I met another guy I liked. I said again, I just want to make new friends and we liked each other. Again, I knew I had to go, it was an experience for God to open my heart because I had stopped dating shortly after I broke up with my ex in 2014. In fact, there was a season I didn’t talk to any potential partners, I told God I was going to focus on Him (all my previous attempts to date revealed to me that until I knew my worth, I’d never meet the one who could love me the way God sees me).

I told God “heal me so I can understand what I’m worth and who I am”.

I didn’t want to go searching for love in the wrong places when I was still broken inside. I knew I’d just keep meeting guys who were also broken and searching for love in the wrong places (me, and not God). 

About a year ago, before I started doing ministry God gave me a dream where He was showing me different pictures of men and swiping (like on Tinder)- then I heard Him say “get ready”. I also had dreams where I was wearing a wedding dress on an airplane and God was preparing me for marriage.

But I kind of thought, God wouldn’t it be so much easier if you just bring that ONE MAN, so I don’t have to get hurt?

God – there is risk in love, no love is without pain. Otherwise it wouldn’t be love. I wanted you to open your heart up to love, love is messy and risky. Love is not a final destination but a journey. Just because you meet that one person doesn’t mean you’ll not have pain in your life. 

No matter what life brings you will need to have an open heart so you can experience both the pain and joys of life. A closed heart does not experience love or pain, it is numb. A closed heart sits at home and never battles disappointment, sadness, anger nor pain…

A hero, a warrior encounters every emotion. She/he doesn’t shy away from the battle called love and life.

You will get angry, you will get sad, you will be disappointed in life.

You will experience all kinds of hardship but all kinds of joys too.

If you are willing to trust God with your heart, He will tend to and care for your heart. He is in charge of taking care of your heart. He never abandons His children. 

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God- Hello Heart,

Heart- Hi.

God- Don’t be afraid of love. I know you’ve encountered heart break.

Heart- I’m tired of being disappointed.

God- Will you let me hold you?

Heart- okay.

God – Don’t be afraid, I’m right here. I won’t hurt you. I’m here always taking care of you. You can cry, let it out.

Heart- I’ve been abused and misunderstood, spat at. People misunderstand me and hurt me.

Jesus- I understand. I’ve been there. I came to save the ones that hurt me. It hurt my heart too. There are people that will hurt and judge you when you’re trying to set them free. They will misunderstand and reject you and in that moment you must remember, you are just like me. In fact I am there with you, hearing the words you are hearing. 

But then you must come to me and let me speak to your heart. Because I will tell you that you are loved and accepted by me, that there is nothing you can do that will make me love you less. 

My love is perfect. I don’t condemn or guilt trip you, I will never turn away from you. I always draw close to you, I will never run away from you. My love is perfect and complete. I will never scorn you for being imperfect. When I see you I only see Jesus, perfection and completion.

My experiences in friendships have often come with “trying to be perfect” for that person. I’d try really hard to always be there for them. I’d initiate and take time to be there for them, but was often taken for granted. I’d withstand being taken for granted and then suddenly have a moment of “THAT’S IT, I’M TIRED OF BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF” and suddenly disappear (ghost). I’d unfriend them or block them. That was my habit.

I felt that it was hard to meet people who actually cared for me. I felt that they were often dumping on me emotionally or only coming to me for emotional and spiritual help. Or they would want to “pick my brain”.

I kind of felt like a monkey, you know when a scientist would pick a monkey’s brain?

Later on, I learned to set boundaries and slowly learned to voice my needs and concerns in relationships. First, God would challenge me to ask people for donations. This sparked support and outrage. I had friends that were extremely offended and told me that they were offended. I felt extremely hurt. I said that when they needed help, they often came to me, but when I needed help, it seemed that I didn’t deserve it. 

It outraged me. 

Do you have friends like that? Where it’s constantly one-sided?

Fortunately, God has been mending those relationships lately. He has been showing me that I didn’t do anything wrong, I was simply listening to His instructions. 

I love Jesus because He often tells me to do things outside of my comfort zone but causes me to have healthy relationships in my life.

He longs for us to have relationships that are balanced, not just one-sided. I often felt drained and exhausted by relationships because I was giving so much of myself but was receiving very little of what I needed. It would show up in different areas of my life.

If I was giving too much of myself, I’d experience sickness in my body or shortage of finances. I’d be hosting networking events and be putting my drink on a credit card because I had no more cash. 

The wisdom and knowledge I give to people is worth so much more than money. Freedom cannot be bought by money. Freedom is experienced, often through the hardships we go through.

I am so grateful that God gave me the courage to ask people to sow, whether it’s emotionally, spiritually or financially.

It’s been a long journey. I think if I didn’t know God, I’d never understand my worth. Because there is no fear in love, perfect love casts out fear. 

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Freeing Christians From The Religious Spirit

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You are doing enough. You are enough. 

When Adam and Eve sinned, God said “where are you?” They were hiding because they realized they were naked. God wants us to be honest. 

I told my friend “it’s better that you are out there getting drunk, partying,”sinning” and doing what you want” then to be pretending and suppressing your desires like the religious pharisees. It’s one thing to do something or not do something out of conviction from the holy spirit (AND THAT IS BETWEEN YOU AND GOD!), but it’s another when you’re suppressing what you want to say or do because you feel that you’ll be punished. 

That is GOING to spark some offense in Christians.

That is what Jesus was talking about – He said “you guys are white and clean on the outside but inside you are vermin” (something like that). 

It is the Spirit of God that causes us to will and to do. (Philippians 2:3) Which means God gives us the desire and the action to do. You don’t have to monitor people and tell them what to do. That is control and control comes from fear. 

God has brought me to a level in my faith where I’ve experienced freedom from religion.

Religion- Feeling guilty if you don’t read your bible, if you don’t go to church, if you don’t pray….etc….that is religion. You feel condemned if you don’t or do something. You feel like there is no freedom to be yourself, you are always monitoring what you say or do. You feel like you have to be nice to people to “win them to Christ”. You feel like you can’t just have fun. You’re scared to be in certain environments because you fear that “you will stumble”. You’re scared to speak your TRUTH and be honest because you feel like it’s not Christ -Like.

Relationship- knowing that you are loved by God and that you are unpunishable because Jesus was punished on the cross for you. You live in freedom and you’re not scared of “other people’s sin” touching you because you are covered by the blood of Christ. You have freedom to dance, religious people don’t just “dance” because they don’t feel the freedom to. Again, religious people are always monitoring their actions to make sure they are doing the “right thing”. This is legalism. You are free to speak your mind without fear. Remember God sees no sin in you, He only sees Jesus. 

I had a dream last night I was in the same room with a girl. I noticed needles in my heart and as I took them out one by one, I felt pangs in my body. The needles represented accusation and were connected to pains in my body recently. When I got a massage yesterday the lady kept yelling relax relax, I noticed that I was clenching parts of my body like my butt and I couldn’t relax because the accusations were causing muscle tension. Accusation causes your body to clench up because it’s “getting ready to be spanked or punished”  for doing “bad”.

I had read and accepted her messages thinking that “I should” try to get along with other Christians and “be receptive” to correction or opinion, but after that dream I realize that God was asking me to guard my heart. Another girl was also telling me “you need fellowship or accountability”.

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But I’ve never shied away from God’s correction, He speaks to me directly about it. I’ve also always had Christian friends in my life to pray for me. 

But their words made me think I wasn’t enough and that I wasn’t doing enough. 

I realize that is why I hated those “religious” words. Because they are religion. I’ve always had a close relationship with God and kept my heart pure. And even if I don’t, forcing fellowship with believers is religion. 

If you feel like you have to listen to someone, it’s religion.

If you feel like you have to be somewhere to be more “holy”, it’s religion.

You are already whole and righteous in God’s eyes because of Jesus’ sacrifice. You are not trying to be more, you are not trying to better yourself, you are already whole.

You don’t need more people around you to “edify” you, you are whole as you are, alone, standing there. 

I really hate those religious words.

YOU ARE WHOLE ALL BY YOURSELF! 

The other accusations that came – “I wish someone went with you to follow Jesus”- soon I heard them as “you are not enough”. 

But that was a lie. God had called me to go with Him, not with anyone else. 

YOU ARE WHOLE ALL BY YOURSELF.

There is this one woman, also well-intentioned, she’d say something EVERY TIME I was going to the airport or going to a new city. Even though we’d talk it out, I realize I felt accused because there was accusation and control in her tone. Even though she may not have realized it. There was a religions spirit influencing her.

God trained me to go by myself so that I wouldn’t be influenced by different spirits like the spirit of witchcraft, which is control and comes from fear. 

If you believe I’m just a normal believer, then so be it. But if you believe that I’ve been highly trained by God and that I am a prophet that hears God, then you’ll perceive what I’m saying.

Romans 8:1-2 

“Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of Spirit of Life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death”.

On my journey in the last year and a half, I got so focused on trying to help people understand why I’m free and why they’re free that I stopped having fun. Instead of just enjoying life, I started sitting by the side of the road explaining to those who were sitting by the side. Instead of living my life. 

As I explained to my friend, if someone keeps eating their own shit you can tell them “dude, you’re eating poop” but if they say “that’s fine, I don’t care I want to”, there’s nothing you can do but to move on.

Don’t sit there and watch them eat their poop, move on. 

My job is to prophesy and speak the truth and move on.

On a Korean tv show, this celebrity adopted a dog and he said that he has a disease where he thinks his poop is a toy since he was locked up in a cage all his life. He started to eat his poop because that’s all he saw.

Many believers go to church every sunday and have been taught “this is all there is”. You have to do this, you can’t wear a bikini, you have to wake up early to read the bible or else God will punish you. 

They are lies. 

God only sees Jesus in you. Go live life. 

When I left my baptist church, I went church hopping but on Sundays God started telling me just to rest. He said “just rest”. So I said okay God. I started to do things I wanted to do. I mean I’ve always been very free as I was left home alone at 5-6 years old and had no adult supervision. I snuck outside my house to buy toys at the store.

When I see people with controlling parents, even though they may seem close, they have no freedom. I had to learn my mom loves me in another way. 

I’m grateful I am experiencing the freedom of being a child of God and be secure in that truth while I’m living…not being afraid of punishment, but living in freedom. 

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Prophetic Word- DON’T LIMIT GOD! Think Outside The Box!

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Today was quite crazy as usual. Another day where I thought maybe I’ll lay in bed and actually rest. But I kept thinking of the korean spa I wanted to go to yesterday. I’ve been a bit jet lag, but anyhow the Lord woke me up at 4am and He said to start my coaching business again.

The Lord has been breaking me free from thinking point A to point B. Like in Taiwan when I was taking the train back to Shuangxi and suddenly He told me to get off the train and go back to Taipei. After getting off a few buses, simply following my gut on where to go (not searching for hotels or hostels), I got off across a train station and saw a lady making dessert. Well, I asked her if she knew anyone who was renting a room and she did! Anyways, that night the Lord had me meet two strangers who I then shared an uber with, then ended up at a nightclub, met a guy in line and then went with him to meet his friends, two of which were Jewish. God’s ways are not man’s ways. 

When God speaks, you move.

Don’t use your logic. Your logic will slow you down and it will make you REALLY tired and lethargic (because it’s rooted in fear).

THIS MONTH! DON’T LIMIT GOD! He is taking the caps off! If you haven’t read the last blog post please do! 

I realize that in coming back to LA for 2 weeks, I felt a bit disjointed. I felt like I was a bit tired of ministering on the road and doing things I didn’t like….like I had given up a lot of passions and interests such as music, drawing, teaching, fashion, dancing. 

But the Lord has been showing me He has always given me those interests and desires as a way to connect with people, that I didn’t have to give them up. He will use those for His glory.

Because when He told me to sell everything and follow Him, He had closed all the doors to my career and I felt that He was saying I couldn’t pursue them.

Which was kind of true for the last year and a half because He had me going to YMCA’s and hostels and places I WOULD NEVER WANT TO SLEEP in to reach those who needed Jesus. In New Zealand I stayed at a YWCA where I had to tell the guy next door to quiet down his tv like everyday. But I got to pray over him and tell him that God was telling him to go to Germany to see his daughter. Things like that would happen all the time. Then I walked downstairs that night and ended up meeting a fellow Kiwi native that had to be delivered of evil spirits. Things like that.

But I didn’t GO where I would normally WANT TO STAY. You know? One hostel had club music until 4 am in the morning. Another in Australia had club music until 2am just below the hostel. But I went there to find lost sheep and go to the people God wanted me to reach. Everything was pre-appointed. 

This month I hear the Lord say-

“Don’t limit me. Don’t limit me to just one career, one city, one place, one house, one friend. I can tell you to do anything and if you’re willing, you’d live a beautiful artful life full of possibilities”.

One day you may have the desire to go to a korean spa, another day He may lead you to an unknown area you’ve never been to. You’ll discover places and people.

Maybe one day you’ll be working on a cruise, another day working at Starbucks, another day simply getting fed by the Lord, another day going to Walmart. Maybe He will tell you to book a flight to Mexico one day and you’ll backpack down South America. Maybe one day you’re sipping coffee in Israel or you’re prophesying over a stranger on the bus. I’ve done most of that, anything is possible.

So don’t limit Him.

If He calls you to do something you don’t normally like, He has a purpose for it. Maybe it’s to meet that father who will speak healing into your soul. Maybe it’s to meet a mother figure that will affirm you and hug you causing you to cry. His ways are not our ways. He will show you a dress you like and show you what kind of style you like again.  He will lead you to a deal you couldn’t have found yourself.

And Yes in following your desires….you will meet the man/woman of your dreams. 

Sometimes we try so hard to find that soul mate when God is telling you- just follow your heart and in doing so, you are following the “string” God has laid out to lead both of you to each other. 

Maybe the reason you haven’t met him/her is because you’ve been searching for him/her and not following your heart in your life”.

BAM!

You’ve been searching for the man/woman and not enjoying your life the way GOD intended you to enjoy it.

No one is attracted to someone who is desperate to find someone! People are attracted to partners who are enjoying their life and totally in love with the life they’re living. 

You know those movies where this girl goes traveling solo and she meets a handsome man at a club or while sitting there sipping wine? Exactly. 

She’s not desperate, she’s content being alone. She is enjoying her life. That’s when you usually find your life partner. 

When I first quit my full time job I didn’t know I’d one day do ministry. I never thought I’d end up in a reality show, I never thought I’d do the many things I’ve done but I was always led to it. But the biggest thing is I wasn’t afraid to fail. Because I didn’t have much to begin with so what is there to lose. God wants us to live in freedom and not be afraid to try. I’ve done a lot of things I never thought I’d do -like dance at Moulin Rouge. What?
 
Or be on an arranged marriage show?
 
What?
But see, those were probably the coolest experiences of my life. Or meeting the thousands of people I have all over the world. Sure, the following Jesus part on the road has had a LOT of hardships and challenges but it’s taught me to surrender in a way I’ve known how.
 
Don’t be afraid of failure, think of every experience as you being led to the next, think of your life as a very rich and fulfilling life (movie). Life is about trusting God, not about perfection. Life is about knowing who you are in Christ, a son and daughter of God that CANNOT be punished for doing wrong. That no matter what you do, you are a delight to Jesus. It makes life fun doesn’t it?
TODAY GOD IS BREAKING OFF FEAR IN A BIG WAY.
 
1. Life is not about making perfect decisions but knowing who you are in Christ no matter what life looks like, that you cannot be punished for doing wrong because Jesus was already punished on the cross for you. No matter what you decide, God only sees perfection in you.
2. That means you are free to choose and explore life. And if you don’t like what you’re doing, change course at any minute. You don’t have to be stuck with the decisions you made.

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I met this group of youth because I followed my desire to drink boba.

42580267_10160951970995603_7565485175648288768_nTwo of the first people I ever prayed and prophesied over was in Korea at a hostel in Busan. They are Indians from Delhi. It was a year later that I went to India. God’s ways are not our ways 🙂

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The verse God gave me today-

Psalm 65[a]

For the director of music. A psalm of David. A song.

Praise awaits[b] you, our God, in Zion;
    to you our vows will be fulfilled.
You who answer prayer,
    to you all people will come.
When we were overwhelmed by sins,
    you forgave[c] our transgressions.
Blessed are those you choose
    and bring near to live in your courts!
We are filled with the good things of your house,
    of your holy temple.

You answer us with awesome and righteous deeds,
    God our Savior,
the hope of all the ends of the earth
    and of the farthest seas,
who formed the mountains by your power,
    having armed yourself with strength,
who stilled the roaring of the seas,
    the roaring of their waves,
    and the turmoil of the nations.
The whole earth is filled with awe at your wonders;
    where morning dawns, where evening fades,
    you call forth songs of joy.

You care for the land and water it;
    you enrich it abundantly.
The streams of God are filled with water
    to provide the people with grain,
    for so you have ordained it.[d]
10 You drench its furrows and level its ridges;
    you soften it with showers and bless its crops.
11 You crown the year with your bounty,
    and your carts overflow with abundance.
12 The grasslands of the wilderness overflow;
    the hills are clothed with gladness.
13 The meadows are covered with flocks
    and the valleys are mantled with grain;
    they shout for joy and sing.

True Freedom Is Knowing You Can’t Be Punished For Living In Freedom

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IF YOU READ ANY POSTS< READ THIS ONE! Because it will set you free from decision paralysis and fear of living and making mistakes!!!! GOD WANTS YOU TO BE FREE!

I had a deep revelation today.

So with my mom whenever I talk to her she questions  me. “Why are you going to Korea?” I said, “mom, I do ministry, I follow Jesus and I pastor and prophesy”.

“Whose going to believe you are a pastor, you need schooling”.

……….

That’s where I usually stop but yesterday I say “okay forget about what I do, I’m just following Jesus”.

I’m not sure if she’ll ever believe me. 

Like James in the bible, who said “hey that’s my brother, he is not the Messiah, how can he be? I’ve seen his diapers and I’ve seen him poo in it! He can’t be chosen! He’s human like me, he grew up in an ordinary home, how can he have any special powers to heal?” 

I’ve often lost my voice in my relationship with my mom. My train of thought was always “okay she won’t believe me so what is the point of saying anything”. Then I just listened, and kept silent. Even when I tried to say anything or prove myself, it was a dead end and made me feel exhausted. It came from a spirit of lack (feeling like I wasn’t enough). 

So I realized yesterday after hanging out with a new friend that I felt exhausted and strained.

I felt strained and strife because I felt like I was mostly listening to things I didn’t care for. I don’t know how to describe it, but are there things you just don’t care about it? It’s not that you hate that person or you don’t care for them, but take for example “video games”….if someone keeps talking about it and you don’t like video games isn’t it boring for you? 

It’s not because you are an apathetic or mean person, but there are just topics that turn you off and make you totally shut down because you don’t function that way.

I’m a heart person and I like to hear about “how people feel” not what they know.

So in my head I thought “I’m bored”.

But I didn’t know why, I think I was forcing myself to be interested. 

So this is a HUGE revelation.

Because with my mom I used to listen to her rant about her friends or people that have hurt her and I’d just totally shut off. I didn’t talk back before but in recent years I’ve learned to say “hey I don’t want to hear about it”. I’m not a trash can that you can dump on. At first she got offended but then she learned to turn it off.

So I often felt drained in relationships because I didn’t know how to set boundaries.

I felt that I should “love” people by listening to them so I was totally neglected while I continued listening and never voicing my own opinions and problems. I felt sidelined and stepped on. I didn’t know how to voice my needs.

And I also attracted friends that didn’t know how to open up so I often had to pursue friendships instead of having a healthy balance of “hey my voice matters and so does yours” friends that reached out to me. 

Here’s another revelation-

You don’t need to listen or help anyone to be valuable or worthy.

You are worthy because Jesus loves you.

I’ve been trying to help my mom my whole life, living under the weight of her problems and her heartache, reacting to her instead of living for what I wanted. That’s why when Jesus told me to leave everything and follow Him, it was a huge shock to my mother. Well I had already moved out when I was 22, but then Jesus told me to move back at 28. So I stayed there for 2 years and restored my relationship with her, semi- restored.

He wanted me to be firm in my righteousness in Christ Jesus. 

But now I’m in a new phase in my life.

“Because you’ve been accused of and yelled at for making mistakes you now rather sit and not make any decisions because at least you won’t get punished for making the wrong decisions”.

WOW- I just told this to my friend in a phone conversation.

A big part of my life was defined by ministry and how much I helped others or my mom, but now God was also asking me “what is it that you want?”

I told my friend “more than ever I just want to have a family”.

I know how to enjoy myself, I know how to get massages and buy clothes, to spend time alone, I’m not afraid to be alone- I quite enjoy it, but I want my heart and soul to be loved by a man who is willing to open his heart up to me. So what I long for with my husband is relational intimacy.

I want to be loved for who I am and not what I can do for someone. 

That’s why recently I find spiritual talks very draining. When people are trying to figure God out or trying to figure out spirits and demons.

Because I want to be known for my simple self, like as a human being, not a prophet or a really wise spiritual person. 

I don’t want someone to ask me what God is saying. Ask God for yourself. Everyone can hear God if they ask. I believe God is asking us to take personal responsibility for our desires.

So instead of asking God “what should I do?” He is saying “what do you want to do?” Some of you will be petrified of the outcome because you fear that if you make a decision and you don’t like it that you’ll be stuck with it, or that you’ll ruin your life. And God’s like “no you won’t ruin your life, just change course if you don’t like the decision you made”.

It’s like DATING. You don’t have to stick with a guy if you don’t like him after one date. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You don’t have to feel responsible for his feelings, God will take care of him. 

You have to do what you want to do. You won’t ruin your life with one decision. Keep making decisions in freedom. Life is an adventure. You can walk away from any decision you don’t like. It’s a play, it’s a video game, it’s a game, not a test! 

An introduction to my simple self-

Hi my name is Rebekka.

I like music. I like Korean music, Korean dramas, I like dancing, but haven’t danced for a long time. I like parties and I like food. I like hot pot, I like Starbucks. I like Boba. I like waking up without an alarm. I like enjoying life but recently I’ve felt like I’m defining myself by how much I can help others and I want to stop thinking that way.

I like to talk about relationships. I like talking about dating because it is heart stuff, not head stuff. I love hearing about dates gone wrong and I like to talk about silly things. Because relationships have to do with heart stuff, not head knowledge. It’s about experience, not just thoughts. 

Sometimes we get so caught up in our thoughts we stop living. 

So for once will you just stop thinking and do it? Not fearing the outcome and not foreboding the results but thinking of life as a really big adventure full of joys and pains? We get disappointed because we put so much expectations on one thing to bring us joy or happiness but God has always wanted you to put joy and expectation on Him, not the “things that we do”.

This life is about trusting Him and jumping time after time after time. And saying “oh cool what’s that, I want to do that. I want to go to Starbucks and get a Frappucino. I feel like watching a movie, I feel like going into that store, I feel like going to Africa, I feel like writing” and then just doing it without thinking “oh there has to be a really intense purpose for why I’m going to Starbucks” or “ok cool I made a new friend online, I’m going to meet her” instead of thinking “oh what if we don’t get along, or what if she doesn’t like me”.

That was me, I felt like God is there a divine appointment here? I felt like there had to be a divine appointment anywhere I went. So imagine my paranoia. But God’s like “no, you can enjoy life without searching for a reason to be wherever you are”.

If you want to paint, paint.

Life is about taking risks everyday and riding the beautiful waves that is life. 

Which reminds me, I want to go to the beach. I totally forgot that I like the beach. And if there are divine appointments, and there probably will be, then so be it. But I’m not defined by whether I help someone or not. Often times these appointments help me understand new things too.

What does it mean to flow with the holy spirit. It’s to not have fear and to just go do what you want, because following what you want is following the holy spirit. 

You’ve got to take personal responsibility for what makes you want. You can’t always expect others to go with you. You need to discover what makes you happy.

Trusting that God is your protector and provider, He will provide the way if you step out in faith. Will you trust Him with your heart and follow your heart?

One of my desires is to date again, but here are all the thoughts I go through. Well, I should just wait for my husband. What if that guy is a jerk and all they want is sex? What if I have a bad experience?

And I think God is just like “if you want to try, try, don’t be afraid”.

Don’t take life so serious. Don’t think it’s about the final destination. Have fun, enjoy life, relax. It’s not about getting somewhere but enjoying the experiences.

I realize I would get backaches or neck aches as I felt the burden of the decision was on me. That is condemnation, that is law. You are not responsible for yourself or your heart or your decisions. I know we’ve been taught that we are to be responsible for our decision but if we have the spirit of the Lord living on the inside of us, we can trust that He is leading us and even if we make mistakes, God actually doesn’t even see it. God only sees Jesus in you.

Under grace, you can live in complete freedom.

YOU ARE FREE! You can do whatever you want without fearing consequences of punishment. It says perfect love casts out fear because fear has to do with punishment. God is saying “you are free to live and try and know that you won’t be punished for your decisions”.

You are also FREE of your past mistakes and decisions.

There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. So I don’t beat myself up for the past, I don’t beat others up for failing me, I don’t beat my mom up for accusing me. I can move on and know that God only sees Jesus in us. 

I can make decisions and live life without the fear of judgement, condemnation or punishment. Because He says “TRY AND LIVE, LIVE IN FREEDOM!”

You lose joy when you feel like you are going to be punished for every wrong decision you make but if you know God only sees perfection in you, you know that you are completely free and unpunishable.

There are times God tells me to ask people for donations and I started to feel condemned because people made me feel bad about it instead simply saying I can’t or I don’t want to right now. So I started to blame myself or not want to try anymore. I know my heart is right and I never had any intentions of guilt tripping anyone, but some people because what they were going through, projected their feelings on me.

I was simply listening to God.

So when I kept listening to God and doing what I heard I started to see open doors again and I realize NO I didn’t do anything wrong and I didn’t have any false intentions. 

When I started to receive confirmation I realize the closed doors weren’t confirmation that I was doing something wrong but that I was on the right track but that new DOORS needed to open…..Breakthrough takes perseverance and it may mean you hear lots of NO’s.

But you will get to the open door, you will hear the Yes. You will find your tribe, you will find people who understand you. So don’t fear rejection. Keep going.

No’s aren’t a sign that you are on the wrong path, it just means God is building your perseverance and resolve. People who give up and just result to being accepted in the safety zone never get to where they want to go. Somehow they compromise a part of themselves to fit in because that crowd is where they hear “yes” the most…but they have to compromise who they are to hear that yes. Maybe they never get rejected but their hearts suffer from denying their own desires. 

Ps- I just wanted to add that even if I didn’t hear God and I asked for a donation or did something, that I still wouldn’t be punished for it. Because there is freedom in Christ Jesus. I think God was teaching people through me that it’s not like He will punish you for saying no. 

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Prophetic Word- Come Out Of Hiding

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Spoken Prophetic Word

“My child,

Come out of hiding. I know you’ve been hurt and wounded. I know it hurt, I know it sucked. 

I see a vision of you in a cave and you are rereading your past hurts. I see memories written down and you keep rereading them. It’s a dark dark cave.

I see a vision of you with lots of people accusing you, surrounding you and you are cowering in fear, you are scared of the world. 

But now I want you to come out. I want you to come out of the cave. Child, what I have for you. Colors and beauty. Yes there are accusers sent by the devil, but there are also lovers that will love you for who you are. They won’t accuse you, but love you.

I see a vision of you being embraced and hugged and loved for who you are. 

OH CHILD what I have for you. People who will give everything to love you. People who will say yes to you. People who will embrace you at your worse. And you may have moments where you feel like YOU don’t have enough or you are not enough. You feel so scared that you will fail them and you will fail them because you’re not supposed to be their god anyway.”

You see I found relationships suffocating at times because I felt pressure to be someone I wasn’t or I felt pressure to carry their burdens, I felt responsible for their problems and I didn’t know how to set boundaries. Perhaps I am still working on that. How do you spend time with people and still set boundaries to your heart?

You tell them- hey I need a break from talking about your problems. You set verbal boundaries, you speak honestly.

God- I am responsible for your heart. 

Will you let go of the past and move on?

Will you forgive and let me by your safety?

Do you know that I am enough for you and that you are perfect in my eyes. Don’t hold onto the pain. Let me be your safety net. 

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More Territory, More Faith

This season God is asking us to think bigger. With that you are required to break off the fear that has been hindering you.

It was easy to live small.

You see because I didn’t need as much faith to believe God to provide more. If God had called me to just a few countries and then sent me home to live a simple life, then maybe have me work a normal job again then I’d really didn’t need faith.

But then He sent me home to set someone free, to train her, to open my heart to friendship and trust….

Then He said- go again.

First He told me to book a flight to New York, then to Korea. Then yesterday He said I’ll go to Europe.

I thought “God I thought I was going to live in a small town and settle down?”

God is like “you’ve just begun”.

You’re going to take spiritual territory, set more captives free. And it scares the shit out of me, to be honest.

Because I’ve done that for the last year and a half and the things I’ve gone through makes me cry at an instant.

“God I can’t and I don’t want to”.

I’m crying as I write that. I realize this season a lot of the old supporters stopped giving.

It’s because God is saying “there’s more people to be delivered, there’s more territory to be taken. Don’t look back!”

“God but I don’t have the strength”.

In your weakness my strength is made perfect.

So I admit. I’m scared I don’t have enough energy, I feel tired. On the plane I had a dream I was living in a small town and wanted to go grocery shopping. You know the simple things.

I’m reminded of Spider Man in Europe. Remember, he just wanted to go on a vacation with his crush but then he was summoned to kill and destroy an enemy.

He was the only one who could save his friends or the city. If he didn’t step up all his friends and the city would have been killed.

That’s how I feel sometimes. Why do I got to be the one to deliver people? God I don’t want to. I want to hide sometimes.

But when you just do it and you see someone’s face change, it is so fulfilling. You see someone set free from fear, you feel that it’s worth it.

So there’s that tension. I know God wants to give every desire of my heart but I’m also called to set people free.

As I set people free I myself come against the evil spirits and bondages others are fighting.

I feel oppressed and feel like I can’t go on. I feel intimidated and feel like I can’t go on. But God fights my battles.

But God wins the day.

God I can’t but you can. You can do everything through me. I won’t allow my fears and insecurities stop me.

Jesus is like

Look at me. Look at me. Look at what I’ve accomplished on the cross. You are enough, you are not lacking. Stop looking at yourself, what you can or can’t do in your own ability. Look at me. When you have nothing I am your everything! Look what I can do! Part the oceans! When you’re at a wall I’ll knock it down for you.

Nehemiah 8:10 Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Exodus 15:2 The Lord is my strength and my song; he has given me victory.

This week God sent my new friend and I on a whirlwind. He told us to pack our bags and we didn’t know where we were staying. Oftentimes we had to move and God challenged her to drive because she had a fear of driving in cities. She always thought “I could never drive from LA to Vegas. I never thought I could go to LA just to pick someone up”. Things that seemed impossible for her became reality.

It was also a relationship boot camp where every trigger came out. Following God with someone else is definitely different. I’ve learned that we need to honor each other’s differences. Just because their desires are different doesn’t mean they are wrong.

Often we would go somewhere for the purpose of say “sleeping” or “eating” but there was another assignment and after we were done we’d move on.

I’ve never gone on spirit led trips with other people so it was new to me. When we went to Vegas God said “casino royale”. I googled it as I didn’t know it even existed. Sure enough it was a best western. When I got there I thought “I don’t like this place, I wouldn’t want to stay here”.

God said “trust me”.

We went to the reception and booked a room. I still remember it clearly said “norefundable”.

The lady at the desk seemed perturbed because I had so many questions. I asked to see all 3 of the available rooms.

I kept hearing the room in the back.

Finally I asked my friend to come with me. The Lord said to pray for the staff and she told me her friend just passed away so it’s been a hard week.

Then when I was about to decide on the room, God said “don’t stay here”.

I told the manager that Holy Spirit told me not to stay here as I’m spirit led. It turned out she was Christian and said no problem! Funds returned.

It’s been really intense and my head is still recovering with how God did everything.

When my friend came to pick me up it was actually my first time meeting her in person. God just told her to go so she did. I was unprepared as I just woke up from a nap but was able to shower, pack and clean within an hour. It was two days after I came back from Taiwan.

We often want to be prepared for what God is telling us to do.

But then we are relying on our flesh.

God wants us to rely on His strength, not ours. How did my friend drive 5-6 hours with no sleep? Or how did I manage to go on consecutive trips while still jet lagged? God told me jet lag is actually witchcraft. He said I needed to let go of control of time.

God was challenging me in a bigger way because when I’m alone, it’s easier to have more control even following Jesus but when you’re with someone else you really can’t be in control. Your heart has to be open and you can’t protect your heart.

That’s why I know God’s been preparing me for marriage. What does a partnership actually look like?

Sow big this time. The harvest of souls is at hand. Join me in rounding up the last harvest before Jesus comes. The world is not forever, our home is heaven! The people who come with me are those who are willing to leave everything behind to follow Jesus. They will walk on water and set the sick free! They will resurrect the dead!

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“Go For Broke” Because In God’s Kingdom You Are Always Rich. Use Every Hand. Go All In! You Cannot Fail With God!

Whenever I meet a baby and am able to hold them I know God is giving me that nation. God is giving me America!

Wow just had a dream – I dreamed that I was asking people for donations, they were not Christians. There was one lady and behind her was a wallet, with different bills but for some reason it was stuck behind her head. Like her mind was always on it. I was scared but I asked and a guy threw some coins and it landed in my soup. Then he tried to give me a metal toy thing and I said no.

A spirit of mammon has us when we start relying on it and not God. God is setting people free from it.

When God told me to sell everything and follow Him I went all in. I gave every dollar I had and ended up not being able to pay rent for two months. Was it hard? Yes. I returned my car. My credit score went down but He asked me whose house are you building – yours or mine?

He broke off the fear of lack in a big way and now I walk by faith and not sight.

What God was doing was breaking off the spirit of mammon that had me bound. I still struggle with it sometimes but He keeps teaching me, hey I am the provider, not the money itself.

August 27, 2019

“Go for broke – use everything I’ve given you and will you not see oceans part mightily for you”.

This month use everything God gave you. Don’t think “let me save for the future”. He is calling you to step out in faith as the biggest harvest of souls is coming and finances are needed to accomplish this, so what does it look like? Sow big. God is asking believers to think higher and bigger. He is asking us to trust Him on a level that we can’t even imagine.

A principal church never teach.

They teach tithing but tithing is a law.

We are under grace.

So people who live by grace go for broke- they don’t believe in limitation, they believe in mountain moving abundance that never ceases. So they play every card, every hand. They don’t live in fear or reserve for “rainy days”.

They use everything. And then God moves. So that there is always rain.

He has been asking me to not save up for the future or to save for upcoming trips, He is saying “use it now”.

Every time we use it in faith, we give in faith – it’s a seed of belief.

When finances come in -my fleshly tendency is try to prepare for the future and think okay this must be for New York or Korea. But then He’ll say, no use it now. So I use every inch of faith and sow, I sow, give, or book the flights He wants me to book, or I use it! So I don’t try to calculate how much I’ll need for the next, I just spend for what He has for now.

God is saying “ask them to sow big as the rewards are big this time”. We are entering into an unprecedented time where we will see the different between children of God who move by faith versus religious people who just go to church every Sunday.

Because those who live by their flesh will not see the miracles I will do.

But those who live by faith will manifest mightily by grace the life I have for them.

Sow big this time. The harvest of souls is at hand. Join me in rounding up the last harvest before Jesus comes. The world is not forever, our home is heaven! The people who come with me are those who are willing to leave everything behind to follow Jesus. They will walk on water and set the sick free! They will resurrect the dead!

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This happened a few minutes after I wrote this blog post. The Lord told me to give $20 to my friend and then a few minutes after my friend sent me a donation. God wants you to trust Him with your money. Trust God, not the money.