God Loves To Trigger Me

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I woke up with a stuffy nose. I had all these ideas in my head.

My mother prepared breakfast, I wondered why she was so nice, was it because I was sick?

When she left I immediately burst out crying.

Yesterday God prepared a trigger for me. Thanks God. I hate you sometimes. Just being honest.

I met these two women who both had kids. One woman had a God tattoo and she was telling me how she needed alone time at the korean spa, “me time”. I’m thinking well how is being with a friend alone time, but anyhow, she said “sometimes I tell my kids, ‘are you going to throw me in an old people home because you never care for me!?'”

Immediately I said “my mom says things like that all the time, things like ‘wait until I die, you’ll appreciate me then’, you should not use guilt to make someone love you. Otherwise they will run away”. 

I suddenly got angry and I didn’t want to look at her anymore. I felt like she was the enemy.

I sat down to eat and saw them a few tables away.

God told me “go eat with them”.

I said “no God”.

He proceeded to annoy me, which He often does, what a kind God He is.

Finally I felt so annoyed and I knew it was fear in my heart, I asked if I could join them.

I bluntly said “God told me to tell you how I felt”.

So with a slightly awkward start I said…

“I felt triggered when you said that thing about your kids. My mom always says things like that and I get really angry because it is a guilt trip”. 

They agreed, they listened. But then I learned that her mother died 4 years ago. She said that it taught her to appreciate her mom more. She wished she was nicer to her.

Well, then they tried to guilt trip me. I’m sure it was not their intention but I’m sure they felt condemned too, I mean the whole “I wasn’t a good daughter while my mom was alive” is also condemnation, because we are righteous by the blood of Jesus, not by our works.

Hey I know I’m not perfect, but I got angry when they asked me “so if your mother died tomorrow would you feel like you’ve done enough for her?”

Seriously?

Yes. I would. I obeyed God and moved in with her when I didn’t want to. Yes, I’ve done enough to reconcile with her. Sure, this was bringing up a lot of anger towards the words my mother used to guilt trip me, and sure I needed to forgive her for that, but I was not to feel condemned over “not doing enough” because I know that’s not from God.

And even if you never did enough for your mother, you are still righteous in God’s eyes.

You have been made whole by HIS SACRIFICE, not yours.

But I knew I had to go confront my mother about it. When I finally went home I told her how it made me angry when she used death to guilt trip me. I told her she needed to stop cursing herself or threatening me.

Fine, stop talking about it- my mom said.

This morning she was all nice to me.

I think she felt guilty about it.

Well, at least I finally confronted this. For 31 years of my life, I never told her that it bothered me.

What do you have to confront in your life?

I had a dream I told my ex friend-

“Come here, let me tell you why I blocked you.”

I unfriended her because she gossiped too much and ruined my friendship with my best friend.

I had another dream of a withered tree and squishies started growing on them and there was a free rack of books, papers and workbooks. I was amazed.

When I tried to sleep again I saw myself floating in an ocean in Hawaii. That was the only way I could find relief, and then tears. I told my friend I wanted to take her to Hawaii, but this is what we long for, rest. 

man-in-black-shorts-in-water-3544412The tears may come, let them come.

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Let the water of grace wash you clean, your heart from the bitterness and anger of yesterday. photo-of-coconut-tree-on-seashore-1576955Let’s go to Hawaii (in the Spirit) where His grace is sufficient. abstract-adventure-bright-canvas-2397652Let it all wash away.

Let it all wash away.

It’s okay now, I forgive you, I forgive myself. Even though I wasn’t understood by those women, I was heard. And that is all that matters. I told them how they reminded me of every pastor or leader who talked down to me, who tried to tell me who to be and what to do, but did not trust that God was speaking to me. They wanted to control me, not guide me.

I felt the heat and the anger…

But through crying, tears, let it all wash away.

“You don’t have to be understood, but you do deserve to be heard”- God.

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Holy Spirit Moves 2020

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Mr. Hiroshi Yamamoto – Olympic Archer from Japan

The last couple of days were super crazy.

A couple days ago, I went to this Tokyo event and met a lady who was a filmmaker. Immediately I saw that I had a dream about her. I was asking her in the dream if editing was easy and she said yes and showed me. This event was “prophesied” to me also through this editing job a friend posted. I knew nothing about editing and thought that I wanted to learn….and then God brought an editor to me so I don’t have to learn it! (not right away anyway).

We both had this vision to create a short webseries featuring Japan, she encouraged me to go talk to the right person about it. I didn’t want to jump into anything but she said “sometimes when a door is open, you must just jump”. 

She said “everything will come easy to us”.

That night I saw a smiling and bold Japanese woman dancing in a group and went to dance with them, turns out the director of the tourism group was dancing in that group. I then told them about our idea. I asked the woman if she was Christian and she said she was Catholic. When I looked her up she was actually an actress that I’ve seen on TV.

That night both the filmmaker and I won hotel nights in Tokyo. No kidding. God does provide. 

Last night I had a dream I went to Taiwan and met with a childhood friend. Not only did I meet a Taiwanese girl who was 9 MONTHS PREGNANT (this is significant) on the Lyft ride today but at night the Lord told me to go to Ten Ren Restaurant and I met a Taiwanese girl who was also Christian. The food was not great and I felt led to leave, so I told them and they kindly voided my transaction (when I wanted to at first sit there and eat food that was too salty I heard the Lord say “fear of rejection”, meaning when we don’t speak up for what we want, it’s because we are afraid of rejection or disapproval).

I also met a man who was studying Chinese….

“Are you Irish?” I asked.

“YES”

“OMG” – Jesus got it right again. I said that I’ve been watching Conan since last night and he is Irish. He was often alone studying Chinese, I could tell he had a hard time relating to people and opening his heart.

So I left Ten Ren and went to a bakery.

While I was talking about my incident at Ten Ren to the cashier and man angrily yelled “THERE ARE PEOPLE WAITING IN LINE”. He yelled to me.

I was shocked. I looked around and saw that others were also staring at him.

I told him that I was sorry but he did not need to yell.

He said “well, you’re f@#$king wrong”.

I then left the cafe but decided to go back as I was not going to be intimidated. The Lord showed me that he was hurt and that’s why he lashed out.

I am telling my friend about this incidence when my phone dies.

Right away I see an employee walk out. I follow her and ask her if she heard the man yelling. She said she didn’t but she felt sorry for me. We chit chatted and I suddenly asked “would you be able to give me a ride home?”

Now when we got in the car I learned that she was also Catholic and I said that I saw a vision of her singing and she said she loves to sing. I said that she was also an artist. She said that she could feel negative auras from people.

Now more incidences like this have happened in my lifetime, everyday, but I felt a strong breakthrough in the Spirit today.

Why?

Well, fundraising have been extremely slow. In fact, funds were so low I didn’t think I would be able to go out at all. In fact, I had to fundraise for food money. But then I had a dream that a friend gave me $20, this morning my mom gave me $20 for food. I thought that the lack of funds were an indication that I should stop ministry. 

What’s more?

I had an intense pain in my stomach last night and had to diarrhea. It hurt so much I thought I was going to faint. And I was suddenly coughing and sniffly. 

And now I’m suddenly fine.

The warfare was thick, mostly having to do with feeling condemned and feeling lack, feeling like I wasn’t doing enough and being yelled at by my mother. But I realize the enemy has been trying to stop me from ministering to people, through a fear of lack, a lack of finances, or making me feel like I’m not doing the right thing (spirit of condemnation). I actually thought maybe I should stop ministry and get a normal job, and move to the ocean so I don’t have to talk to anyone….but today the Lord showed me what the strategy of the enemy was all alone. I shall not give up.

I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you. Luke 10:19

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Prayer Request- Protection from physical attacks, spirit of infirmity, pray for God’s continual provision, pray God protects the mind of those connected to my ministry. I see another strategy of the enemy is to have people turn against me or put strange thoughts in their mind about me.

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This is a man I met on the bus

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A woman I met on the set of Lights Out, David Spade, a divine appointment

Prayer To Break Off The Spirit of Fear and Lack

Matthew 18:18-19 “Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be a bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be[b] loosed in heaven. “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.

Here are the biggest attacks of the enemy-

  1. Guilt and Condemnation (through accusation)- to make you feel like you are not enough or you are not doing enough
  2. Fear and Lack

How do I combat it?

  1. I hear God usually tell me- “you are enough, you are not lacking” and I recite this “I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus”

  2. Resting and ceasing all striving, sometimes when we feel condemned, we run away from those emotions and try to busy ourselves, but we start to feel stressed.
  3. Flowing with God and talking to people, I find that as a verbal person talking to my friend helps me to clarify why I feel a certain way. For example, I won’t even realize something annoyed or ticked me off, but if you look back on the day, there is often ONE OR TWO events or words that people said that knocked you down, that made you feel less than. The enemy wants to isolate us so we feel like we are alone, but in actuality, there  are many people going through the same thing at the same time. That is why I release prophetic words and videos because the enemy has a strategy against people at the same time. 
  1. Reading the word and praying/decreeing the truth to lift off the fog of confusion, anxiety, fear that is trying to come against me.

HEY FOLKS! My birthday is coming up! It is February 11. I am hoping to get a new phone soon since I’ve been using a big tablet as a phone.

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It’s Grace alone that saved us, not through our works, but through the BLOOD of Jesus.

 

 

Prophetic Word – Think Outside The Box

Prophetic Word-

Think Outside the Box
Don’t Dismiss Something Because You’ve Had A Previous Bad Experience
Flow With The Spirit

I see some of you inside a really small box and you feel cramped.

You have to break the box to get out.

There are people telling you that you have to be a certain way, to do a certain thing, but God is breaking off that communist mindset of conformity.

You’re Not A Slave

You’re A Creator

You’re Fantastical

You’re Brilliant

You Don’t Have To Follow The Rules

Break The Mold

Build Your Own Empire

Be Who God Created You To Be

Follow Your Heart

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A Swedish Proverb (1).png

Lost Sheep Found

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“I’m tired of being alone”

“I haven’t been hugged for years”

“My life has been pain”

“No one talks to me, I’m like the last person anyone talks to”

What do you do for fun? I’ll ask.

“I like being at home, I don’t go out, I’m scared to talk to people”.

These are words I hear from people (lost sheep) that God leads me to everyday.

Sure, perhaps these are victims’ words, but I know I have felt the same. The desperation of loneliness because you’ve been “set apart”. You’ve been hurt and wounded by people. 

You’re a pioneer, you’re different, you’re unique. God has set you apart. You’ve had a troubled childhood, you don’t feel like you fit in, you don’t feel at home being at home. You’ve been rejected and wounded. Your dad or mom abandoned you, they never talk to you.

Yesterday a young man told me his dad hit him up for money after years of not talking to him. He was coked out, we went to go eat. He had just gotten out of prison, he told me he had to fight men right when he got locked up. He always hangs out outside his house because his dad drinks and yells.

My days look like this….

I feel led to go to one place, then I’m led to go another place, I’m led to go home and I get on a bus and see a girl I’ve met before. I talk to her. She opens her heart to me, we have similar upbringing. She tells me she just got yelled at at work, I tell her she is gorgeous, she’s going to be an actress.

I walk home in the back alley and notice a person God has told me to talk to before (but because maybe I was wanting to be alone I didn’t talk to him), suddenly I hear myself open my mouth and ask if he has eaten dinner yet.

Some days I meet people at the korean spa, sometimes on buses, sometimes on the street, at a bus stop, at the mall, at a restaurant. I’m the one person who talks to strangers, who feels the pain of the lost sheep and my heart knows exactly where God’s sheep is, the one who has been wounded and battered.

I know exactly where they are. I can spot them in a crowd of faces. My heart will follow them, my heart will lead me to them. Even if they think they are lost, I can spot them,  I can find them.

Traditional churches may never reach out to the one smoking outside their house, they may never talk to the one who leaves right after church, but a pastor to lost sheep hears the heart beat of a lost sheep. They go outside the church, onto the streets. Their motive is not that they will get paid, they answer to God’s leading. Their motive is love.

So many people have asked me “what’s in it for you?”

My friend, because I’ve tried everything and only Jesus gave me the true peace I needed. I now answer only to God. His grace is my only life support. Nothing else has filled the void in my heart. I’ve married Jesus and put a ring on it. I’m committed to God. 

The other day a waitress asked me if I was fortune teller as her coworker who I prophesied to told her about me. She was scared but she asked me. I said “no, but I am a Christian, a prophet”. I said “are you an artist?” She gasped “yes. How did you know?”

I said “God told me right now”.

Another day my friend and I went to Santa Monica and a dad and daughter in a stroller was walking in front of us. He kept appearing. I could feel his heart- meaning whatever pain he had in his heart, I could feel it.

When he appeared again, I started talking to him. I heard “single dad”. I asked him what his ethnicity was. He said Mexican and Puerto Rican.

I said “oh funny I had a dream I met a Mexican family”. He said “oh weird because my ex had a dream that I wasn’t the one and she left me”.

We talked to him for awhile and told Him God loved Him, God never leaves a lost sheep alone.

It’s not an easy calling. I went to 14 countries in one year, the first year of ministry. God led me and provided for me. Sometimes I got attacked verbally by the lost sheep, wounded people hurt people. They’re not all easy cases.

I had to heal from ministry too.

But I understand the pain of being rejected because I was rejected too.

By my own family, by a church, by friends even.

Yet, you, maybe you, are not lost, but found.

You’ve been searching for your family for so long…and you’ve found me. 

You’ve found someone who won’t judge, and they are all there, somewhere. You will find them. I know you will. I meet them everyday. These warriors. They are beautiful. Tattooed, bald, beautiful, long haired, short haired, a little bit different, creative, wounded. 

God never leaves a sheep alone, He finds them.

If you are feeling alone, you are never alone…

But you need people who understand you…

Why don’t you try reaching out, why don’t you message someone who you’ve admired, why don’t you risk rejection or judgement, and put yourself out there. 

Why don’t you ask to sit with someone.

God has often asked me to sit with a stranger at a restaurant or at a bar. These are people who need mending and healing in their hearts.

I am healing too.

You are not alone. I’ve been neglected and abandoned too. I’ve been wounded.

None of us are alone in it.

Come out of hiding.

Give a gift to this ministry or for my birthday, thank you! God bless you.

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God’s timing is perfect. I felt a knowing to just get on the bus, sometimes I get off somewhere just knowing that I have to and I meet the person God wants me to meet.

Luke 15 Then Jesus told them this parable:  “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

Some people ask me how I knew my calling.

I asked God one night- “God whats is my calling?”

Then He answered to me one morning “you are a pastor to lost sheep”.

And yes I had questions and He did answer. Trust me, I did not understand at first. I had to look up the verse above. I had to struggle with God. I had just sold everything to follow Him, being led by the spirit, not knowing where I was going to live, living at the korean spa one night, then a hotel, then crashing at a friend’s place, then going to another state to minister to a girl I met online….then yah just going by the Spirit everyday…

 

You’re A Gift, Not A Burden

Nearing my birthday is always an emotional time.

My face is a resemblance of my dad’s face and well, my dad was cheating on my mom while I was in her womb. So when I came out my dad accused my mom and told her I was not his.

I don’t know why my mom had to tell me that, to spite me? To make me feel sorry for her?

Meanwhile when I went to get inner healing prayer, I saw myself angry in her stomach. I wanted to get out, just like I want to get out of her house already. But God hasn’t given me the okay to.

I felt like a burden growing up, I saw her stressed out as a single mom, so I started working when I was 8.

I never asked for allowance. I was self-sufficient. Yet, I felt like a burden and an orphan. I see this so much in kids these days. They feel like a burden and they are afraid to ask for help as a grown adult.

Because the truth is there are some really messed up parents that refuse to help their kids, maybe they are scared to spoil them or enable them, but there is definitely a huge spirit of lack and a lack of grace in our world these days. Sure, some kids really need a kick in the butt, but what I see is a lot of “orphan minded people”.

These people are afraid to “bother people”, think their problems will cause others to be stressed out so they don’t tell anyone their problems, they are afraid to be vulnerable, they are afraid to ask for help. 

God had to move me back home to cast out the stronghold of unworthiness, feeling like a burden out of me. He put my in ministry and told me to fundraise, because that asking and not being afraid to be rejected is part of casting out the stronghold of “feeling like a burden, the orphan spirit”.

Sure, there are strongholds. We can avoid them or we can face them. There is a stronghold of lack in my mom too, a feeling of unworthiness because of my father’s betrayal.

At the time she was pregnant, my dad’s parents kept trying to make her bow down to Buddhist idols knowing she was Christian. How much warfare was happening because of my birth, to stop me from being birthed? 

If you had a lot of trouble around the time of your birth, know that the enemy was trying hard to stop you from being birthed. You HAVE A GREAT PURPOSE IN YOUR LIFE.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5

So as my birthday is nearing again, I feel the warfare, but the truth is- I am a gift, not a burden. Yesterday I had a dream that someone brought a jumpy house and asked if I wanted it outside my house or next to a pool. It was my birthday party.

Give a gift to this ministry or for my birthday, thank you! God bless you.

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Destroying The Pressure To Perform

Things you should know about me: 

  1.  I love to go to the Abbey, it is a gay club, and I have many friends there. I’ve had a lot of Christians ask me why I would go to a gay club. The reasons are: I love the people there, I love the people there, I love dancing, I love dancing, and I love dancing with the people I love. I love music. I love fashion. 
  2. I have smoked weed before but I do not smoke it anymore. I had a bad experience eating a weed cake in Amsterdam.
  3. I have a heart for the LGBT community because I understand the pain of being rejected.
  4. I have stopped pretending and stopped being “polite” because I say what’s on my mind most of the time now. I’m not going to pretend to be nice or kind when I’m mad now. I will be mad. I’m not going to pretend to be something I’m not anymore. SO ADIOS TO THE OLD ME! 
  5. My birthday is February 11 – financial gifts and donations are welcome! (I need a new phone)

Give a gift to this ministry, thank you!

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