I felt abandoned, unworthy, unwanted, there was no opportunity to converse about it. This is how I felt when someone left without telling me after a “date”. We were supposed to leave together and he had picked me up. He left without telling me.
I called him “disgraceful to all of men”.
I was traumatized. I felt rejected.
I felt angry.
It’s never happened to me. I’ve experienced a lot but this was a trigger point.
But God always has a way to redeem my experiences and show me not all men are trash. I kept meeting divine appointments that told me I should be aware of marriage, one lady said marriage is more about crying than laughing. I disagreed with her.
The thing is A LOT OF PEOPLE SETTLE.
PEOPLE don’t date enough, they don’t put themselves out there enough. They expect the first guy or girl they go on a date with to be the one.
Most people don’t even know what they want and they settle for the first person they are attracted to or the first person they have trauma bonds with.
For example thinking that just because that person also feels unworthy, that they have commonalities, just because they feel unwanted, that they find worth in each other.
I believe in being vulnerable and sharing your deepest wounds with each other. Dating is not about putting on a front, but laying all your cards on the table and showing who you really are. Here’s me, take it or leave it.
And guess what, some will leave. And be Okay with that. Thank Jesus for making it a bit easier for you.
I am worthy, I am valuable, I am a gift.
Dating will trigger you, but let it trigger you, let it reveal to you how you actually feel about yourself. What needs to be healed?
I’ve been on dates where the guy was checking out other girls, but this guy wasn’t like that. His eyes did not stray from mine.
I always felt like I had to fight for attention, or fight to be seen or understood but now I finally understand how it feels to be seen and heard.
You shouldn’t fight to be seen or heard by a guy. You shouldn’t have to ask for attention or time, he should want to spend as much time as possible with you. He shouldn’t run when times get tough. He should stick it out.
I learned that today.
Emotional availability is important.
Is he emotionally available?
It takes time to see if they are.
If you are already fighting for their attention on the first date, run. You should feel secure in his love for you.
Growing up I often felt emotionally unsafe. I’d go home but want to leave right away. There was no safe place for me. My mom was constantly nagging or on me about something I was doing wrong. “Don’t leave socks on the floor”. There was always something to do. I could never rest.
I felt exhausted. My go to was boba or something sweet to ease my heart.
Recently I had a lot of divine appointments where they would say something that made me cringe or annoyed. But I didn’t react right away probably because I felt numb.
I grew up in a way where I set aside how I felt to accommodate for what my mom was going through. She was stressed financially, she was tired, it was always about her. So I set myself aside because her drama was already a lot.
I felt anxious when people told me really sad stories. I started to shut down. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I learned to set boundaries. Even today a lyft driver was complaining about Los Angeles and how awful it was. I just told him that I needed some space from anything negative because I was already feeling overwhelmed. I ended up being able to release my emotions on a ride back home.
I feel ignored by you. I feel like you don’t care about me or my brother. I feel like it doesn’t matter what we think of you because a parent should love their kids no matter what. Brother even thinks that we are not yours because it doesn’t seem like you care about us at all. I’m sometimes scared to say what I really feel because I fear it will push you away. But no kid should fear that. A parent is supposed to love and pursue their kids no matter what. I have tried to contact you and have a relationship you. I’m not asking for much. I’m really tired of trying, I’m exhausted. I just don’t want to have regrets when you die one day. I don’t want to hold onto any bitterness or anger. And I don’t want to talk to you to get told what to do. That’s not why I want to communicate with you.
You keep telling me that I don’t listen, it’s because I want to be heard. I want to be heard because my feelings matter. 33 years of not hearing me, it’s not fair. My feelings matter.
Putting myself out there has triggered a lot of feelings of rejection. I feel this for some guys too, I feel like they often feel rejected too. I have guy friends that keep trying to contact me, say hi, text hi, but they refuse to call. I don’t know why. We live in a society that people don’t want to communicate anymore. Communication becomes scary because one party has shut down.
You’re not a burden. You’re a gift.
Relationships trigger feelings of rejection and unworthiness. Do you struggle with feeling worthy when you get mistreated by a date?
A lot of people told me to doubt you, to give up but I never did. I waited for you. I know you’re out there and I’m not settling for less. God told me you’re coming. A lot of people tried to convince me otherwise. They told me I could not find someone who was also waiting but I’ve been meeting more people that are waiting, actually virgins too, some are celibate.
I don’t know what you’re going through but I know God is preparing you too. Whatever hardships and heart breaks we are going through is just making us stronger for marriage. I never really believed in marriage growing up because my parents were divorced. I have people calling me desperate but more than a year ago I had a few dreams.
I had a dream I was swiping on a dating app and I heard God say “get ready”. I also had a dream that I was wearing a wedding dress on an airplane and putting on makeup.
I’ve been learning to love and I think that’s the most important thing.
I realize I was trying to explain myself to people who just didn’t understand me. I was focusing on the wrong people.
I don’t think I’ll have to over explain myself to you. It’ll be easy. I am praying for God to prepare you and myself for what’s ahead. I pray that you will hear God and obey Him in everything. I pray God keep you safe and open your heart to be vulnerable with others. I pray a hedge of protection over both of us that no weapon formed against us shall prosper. I pray we will not be discouraged.
God protect us from those that want to take us off the path you have for us. Shield us from those that want to destroy hope in us.
I just woke up from a dream where I was in a car with a girl (her name is Alicia) and we were talking.
I was driving her car and for some reason as we were venting the car started moving on it’s own. I heard God say “move”.
Move from unforgiveness and hatred to forgiveness, move.
God started speaking to me about the world. He said there are countries that will self destruct because of hate and hardness of heart. Yesterday I listened to two people and they cried to me. One was a girl and one was a man from Yemen. At first I was mad about how this guy treated him but then I realized that God was breaking his heart for a reason. Sometimes we are hard because of self protection and hurt will cause our hearts to break. God also led me and this girl to someone who previously hurt her. I felt to go eat somewhere but then I felt to go to a specific restaurant and she was there.
Keep your heart soft, keep crying, keep breaking and don’t allow the hatred and hardness of the world consume you.
I notice a lot of hardness of heart recently. I notice even myself wanting to shut people out because they were offensive, hurtful, mean. I notice that I didn’t even want to converse about hard things, wanting to run away from confrontation.
But the dream woke me up and God was showing me what the bitterness of heart can do.
I want you to take the time and think about everyone who has hurt you recently, people who have misunderstood you or hurt you and take the time to forgive them. Talk to them and have a conversation about how you feel. And don’t shut people out. I love you friends.
And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26