Special

“I don’t just want to be one of your girls”

I guess that’s how I felt my mom was to my dad. Just another warm body, a woman, not special. Otherwise why would he have gotten with other women. Did she even matter to him? Or was it just infatuation. What makes one person better than the other.

My new friend picked me up and initially I was going to get dropped off but we talked more. He had a pretty traumatic upbringing. We talked about his ex and how his ex promised that she would never hurt him, but she cheated on him the next day. He was depressed for a long time, became psychotic.

I said that when someone starts wanting to become physical with me, I feel unsafe. I only feel safe if they really spent time and have gotten to know me, understood my heart. But most of the time I feel like a prey. I feel used, for their gratification. That’s why I am glad I am waiting for marriage to have sex because I want a man who really honors my heart. What does it take to honor my heart? For someone to really want to communicate with me. Most men don’t want to spend the time to understand my heart. They see your breasts, they want to get physical with you.

I felt unsafe today when someone tried to ask me to go to their apartment. I was just walking by.

I felt unsafe because he seemed drunk.

I don’t feel safe when people are drunk and I am completely sober. I feel unsafe with men who are intoxicated. It reminds me of my dad.

I really suggest to woman not to open themselves up physically to a man if they don’t have the same intention. It is damaging. Men may be able to numb their hearts and not feel a thing, but for women it’s very attaching. The truth is, it is just as emotionally damaging to a man but society says they can take it.

I feel loved when someone takes the time to understand me. I feel loved when they honor my boundaries.

I may complain about people but at the end of the day I know every person I meet is a lesson in communication and love. I want to be special to someone, not just another girl or a warm body.

I want to come home to one person. But until then I know I am special to God.

My mom yelled “go to sleep!” but I didn’t want to. I cried because my heart suddenly hated my dad again. How could he do this to my mom. I could see why God had me live with my mom, because our healing is a mutual thing. Her healing has to do with my healing.

I’ve been talking to her about men and I can tell she cringes when I talk to men. She probably hates them. My brother won’t even talk to her. She for sure hates my dad, after more than 20 years.

But as I heal and talk about my experiences, I can see that it brings healing to her heart. I don’t want to hate men. When I hear sad stories from men, I realize they’re just human, like me. Men have been hurt by women too. I pray today God will heal your heart from your past.

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Overcome Regrets From Past Relationships

Do you have regrets about your past relationships?

Do you have regrets? I do.

Sometimes I have regrets about eating fried junk food, calamari, mcdonald’s. I’ve had regrets about my ex best friend, investing time and energy into people that betrayed me. I’ve had regrets about why my heart and God didn’t tell me to buy a car, and why I don’t have anything material to show for the money I could have used towards something material – versus the kingdom of God.

I have regrets about following God even, like recently I was so mad at God for the pain I experienced from people flaking on me, betraying me, walking away.I had regrets about serving God. Because I got hurt.I had regrets about letting people into my heart.I had regrets about liking whoever I liked, or letting them hurt me.

But at the end of it I hear God say this- even to you:“Don’t regret the past, you learned from it. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were living in freedom. Tell me how you feel. You’re not wrong. You didn’t do anything wrong. Keep living in freedom”.Keep living in freedom, keep having fun. I know you fell when you dance, but keep dancing.

I see an image of you on the floor, head down.You head is burrowed in your knees, your knees are bent. There are people playing on the playground and you’re alone. You punish yourself for doing wrong or messing up. Someone yelled at you on the playground, stole your toy, someone stepped on your toy and destroyed it. 

You are really mad at yourself for letting anyone play with your toy. You regret sharing your toy with your friend.

Or you had a best friend but they went to play with someone else, they left you alone. You look dismayed, you are shocked. You never thought they would stop playing with you. You want to give up.

“No one will ever want to play with me”. You think. You feel unwanted, you feel like shit. You don’t want to put yourself out there anymore. You don’t want to make new friends. But you have to. Don’t give up!

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Getting Out of Toxic Relationships

Trauma Bonding and Getting Out Of Toxic Relationships

I was in a 2.5 year relationship and didn’t speak up for myself and what I needed. I lost myself. And it took years to find myself again! I am here to help women get out of toxic relationships, speak up for themselves and learn not to “give sex” right away to protect themselves from men who just want sex. The dating journey is about learning to heal from and communicate your needs in a relationship.

I’ve learn not to commit myself to someone just because I like them but to let go when you know immediately that it’s not your husband. How do you know if it’s your husband? Does he believe in God like you do? Do you have the same beliefs about life, morality? What are non- negotiable for you? Give to this ministry- Thank you! God bless! For coaching – dm me.

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The Discomfort of Love

Love can be uncomfortable.

What do I mean by that?

Trying to learn how to communicate. Sure, at first I was annoyed that people were ghosting and refusing to communicate, but now I’m annoyed when someone does want to communicate…but they’re not communicating the way I’m used to.

I said “I feel like you’re talking down to me”.

“And I also don’t like the word damaged”.

I’m not damaged, I’m wounded. Damaged is what you label a broken vase or broken toy that you put on the shelf of Ralphs near the bathroom. Wounded- God heals that and I am enough in God’s eyes. That’s what we argued and talked about.

Arguments can be invigorating because I can hear my voice, I have a voice. It’s not an argument per say, but it’s an opportunity to say how I feel and it’s great.

My mom and I, when we argue, or when I voice my opinions, we get so angry we either leave each others’ sight or we just stop talking until we calm down because the anger is so intense, it creates discomfort. I remember my mom walking out the door every time she felt some kind of emotion.

I can’t say what’s on my mind without feeling the emotions that come with those thoughts.

“Well, be vulnerable if you’re trying to connect with me, don’t just say you feel bad for me…”

There’s so many innuendos, it takes time to understand each other’s heart. There are certain personalities that I am more comfortable with. I don’t like being “talked to or lectured”. I find that a lot of men do that…”this is what you should do”, etc. I am not looking for a man to tell me what to do, I already have a mom that constantly tries to tell me what to do.

Males- you just need to listen and say “I hear you and I see you”.

Most women aren’t looking for your opinion to be honest, or for you to fix the situation…..women just want to be heard.

I like a man who asks questions, is in touch with his emotions. I guess someone who is a bit feminine at heart, gentle. There are certain personalities that aggravate me because I feel like they are talking mostly, and not allowing me to talk.

Today I learned that someone I just met needs a verbal affirmation such as “I understand where you’re coming from” or even a “no I don’t understand or don’t agree with you”. I’m used to just moving onto the next point with no verbal affirmation.

I found myself so uncomfortable, I almost walked away.

Then tears came after I walked into my house. I guess I was uncomfortable with feeling the emotions that came with communicating my heart.

The truth is – I’m scared I’ll always be uncomfortable in marriage. I don’t want to argue all the time…but I also feel relieved that things can actually be talked out. With my mom, we rarely talked anything out. Again, my dad ghosted for most of my life and my brother cut off connection with me.

Our family avoids conflict or my parents have argued in front of me but it never led to resolution. They separated when I was very young. It’s easy to run away from conflict, but conflict is actually part of communication.

Every movie involves a conflict, there are no good movies without conflicts.

But in real life, few people have the emotional ability to talk out their differences or to even tell the truth.

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Men

I hate men right now. I went through a few experiences where I don’t really understand them.

My dad basically ghosted me for 10 years and my whole life.

My brother ghosted my mom and I for years.

Then men I meet ghost too, friends, dates.

I don’t really understand it.

Sometimes I wonder how I’m ever going to marry a man because a lot of times I see them shut down and I’m unable to communicate with them. A lot of men don’t really want to talk through things, they just want to hide and disappear.

I met this guy at a restaurant a few months ago and he contacted me. Asked me to hang out. He picked me up but when I saw him I asked to see his eyes because he was wearing sunglasses. I asked to see it even for a few seconds but he refused to take off his sunglasses. So I said “the whole time we are hanging out you’re going to leave your sunglasses on?”

He said “yes, the sun hurts his eyes”.

But I couldn’t even see him for 1 second?

I do believe he is a lost sheep but at the same time it’s important for me to see someone’s eyes to connect even briefly. I believe eye contact is a source of building trust.

He said that he just wanted to be chill and he said that I was making things awkward so he said that he didn’t want to hang out anymore.

So I got off the car.

And went home. I tried to call or text him but he didn’t reply.

I’ve been led to different spiritual

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Emotions and Feelings

I feel out of control.

And sometimes when I feel out of control I retrieve, I want to be alone 

Perhaps I don’t feel safe to feel those emotions

Or perhaps I don’t feel safe feeling them in front of others so I leave 

And isolate myself. 

But I’m starting to see that

I don’t like showing my emotions to people I just met or in group setting – I’m okay one on one and I’ll be vulnerable with people I just met. Some people are not safe though. 

I can show a big part of myself when I am one one one with someone. 

All eyes are on me when I talk about myself – perhaps I’m scared of saying something wrong or perhaps it’s too much attention. I feel like I’m being observed. 

Ministering out in West Hollywood has taught me a lot about myself. At one point I felt so uncomfortable with being the center of attention in a group setting, I walked away. I felt my heart being extended.

I guess God is working in me. I met a celebrity designer and actress and the feeling of inadequacy hit me. One guy wasn’t complimenting me at all, I felt insecure. I started to be aware of the pimple on my face.

You are righteous in Christ Jesus.

I became aware of the fact that I wasn’t wearing anything designer, or that I wasn’t good enough but again God had to remind me that I am enough.

Another uncomfortable experience- people around me are drunk and I am not. In fact, no drinks in my system. Again, I felt like how do I act around people who are drunk. I didn’t feel safe. Again, you are enough God reminded me.

This is all preparation in going higher. What’s my personality like? I am a fun person that is pensive and a deep thinker. I realize there are SO many personality types and it is important to learn who you are despite all the different people you meet.

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PURCHASE GOODIES

Grace of God in West Hollywood

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“Whoever blesses you will be blessed” I woke up to God saying that to me. He showed me that there is a blessing for blessing the fatherless.

I have this heart heat rash.

He says “don’t be afraid of love”.

I met a Christian, I meet a lot of Christians who tell me they don’t go to church, they believe in God, they are spiritual.

Yesterday a new friend I met was defending me. “She’s a virgin, she’s not like that”. A man approached me and was trying really hard.

He goes “I want some pussy”.

My heart was grieved.

I was already disappointed.

Our society has come to this.

I’ve grown a lot. Obviously it hasn’t always been easy to know what I deserve. But I know now. As I know my promise of marriage is coming, I sense the momentum and climax of promise. People are attracted to Jesus in me and I am a witness for Him.

I had three guys hit on me yesterday. One, a guy slipped me a note and said I was pretty. Two, a friend’s friend. Three, a guy I had met before on the streets of West Hollywood.

I am reminded all of them are God’s children and there is a reason they are attracted to me. I am learning to treat them with grace, and not the harshness of the world.

Whenever I am disappointed in men, I am learning to keep my heart open and pray for them even more. We live in the wild wild west of LA and there are a lot of spirits out here, but to have a friend defend me means the world to me.

I have made pretty incredible friends out here in West Hollywood. Remember I told you God said “this land is yours?” I went from not knowing anyone to gathering the Lost Sheep. I’d be alone and I would wait in line and God would arrange for me to meet someone. Sometimes I’d break the rules and invite people to eat with me or ask people who were alone to eat with them. I’ve gotten yelled at so many times for breaking the rules.

The truth is- love doesn’t have rules. Love breaks the rules.

People are not evil. People have wounds and baggage and they just want love. I’ve learned to see past the evil. 

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Letting Go Of Toxic Relationships

person in yellow jacket standing on green grass field near mountain
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I feel like I’m suffocating

Like I’m drowning

I care for you and I can’t breathe

But I feel like you are a speck in the ocean slowly moving away

Walking away

I cry in silence

Sometimes loudly

Bawling

Yet you seem to feel nothing

And so I fade into the distance, I allow my heart to suffocate into the background

This is a familiar feeling

When I knew it was ending but I didn’t want to let go

I silently screamed into my pillow

I had given my all

And yet it was not enough

I’ve paid my dues, this time I’ll learn to let go faster than before

I feel like I’m drowning

But I can’t hear myself speak

I try to speak but words won’t come out because I still want your security even when it is false

I almost cried hearing his story

He walked away, angry, never crying

He said.

If I said how I felt, it wouldn’t be enough, what is the point, his pride would get in the way

This time, I’ll let go faster than I did before

So my heart does not suffocate from lack of air.

This time I’ll let myself be happy instead of pay a fine

This time I’ll walk out scotch free, this time I’ll choose myself, instead of pleasing him.

This time I’ll better myself by freeing myself

This time, this time.

And you’ll call me crazy, ridiculous, any words, any words.

But I hope you look in your heart and see that your refusal to be in touch with your heart is only a curse on your own soul.

Whoever he was, he is, they are all the same, the same lessons. They keep coming, they come in the form of tall and short, green or blue eyes, brown, they are all the same person walking in the same lesson.

Will you listen to your heart this time?

Or will you scream into the void?

Will you empty yourself until you have nothing left?

Will you try to break down a brick wall with your bare hands? Bloody and torn, those hands made to hold you, now depleted, destroyed.

He didn’t know it was coming last time, but it came like a storm and broke his cold stone heart, he wept for the first time. I broke his heart and it took years.

I didn’t know I had to let him go to open his heart, that was the only way to go, not to hold onto him, but to let him go.

I used to give all of myself to love someone, even if I only got 10% back.

I used to think it was my fault that someone wasn’t able to love me back, but I realize that some people have a small cup that cannot contain my bucket loads of love. 

My job is to find someone who can pour back into my buckets, instead of feeling depleted giving constantly.

I made the first move to reconcile with my dad after 10 years of not seeing him. I flew thousands of miles and hours to see him. Slowly we reconciled. I would fly back again after 2 years, more and more but every time I would be sad to leave, sometimes I was disappointed. Last time he couldn’t take me to the airport because he had a migraine.

No matter what, nothing seemed to be enough. Nothing I did could open up his heart to me.

So I would give all of myself to love someone, and most people only give back 10%.

What I learned is, find those who are willing to give love to you. 

I used to think it was my fault that people didn’t open up to me, that people didn’t love me, that my dad didn’t show love to me.

But I realize no, it’s not my fault. I tried my best and now I have to teach my heart to move on. I moved on from my dad, my mom, from my brother, from exes, from past friendships and I still learn to move on as I speak up and keep honoring my heart.

I kept trying to get love from people who didn’t have any to give.

And I realize very little people have that emotional capacity to express love.

God send me people that know how to express and give love without fear. I don’t have fear for fear has to do with punishment. Guide us into the right direction, to people who have love to give.

I stood up for myself this time. I spent 2.5 years allowing my heart to die to be with someone 6 years ago. I then encountered a man that reminded me of my ex. I had to learn to let go faster than I did last time. Because the same red flags came up. God will send the same type of person so you’d learn to stand up for yourself this time around.

The same situations will come up until you learn to overcome them and confront your worse fears.

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Unshakeable Faith

I spent almost 2 years on the road. I went alone to dangerous countries, 3rd world countries, I went to South Africa, India, Southeast Asia being led by God to pastor lost sheep and prophesy over people who needed miracles, people who were broken and lost.

I faced the fear of starvation, having no shelter, being stranded or even the fear of being raped by strangers.

But God’s voice led me and I saw thousands of miracles. I saw God healed backs, I saw people cry and I taught people how to hear God’s voice.

God told a Muslim girl to not be afraid, He told a Buddhist that everything was going to be okay. She said she wanted to believe in Jesus so we prayed in a hostel.

Having faced all those fears of ALL possible dangers, a virus was an inconvenience. Sure, I had my times of paranoia, but most of it was being persecuted by people for going out. My mom would yell at me for going out but I would hear God say “Go out and don’t be afraid”. I had thousands of divine appointments still. I went to the Abbey, I went to the beach, I met people everywhere. 

To everyone out there who persecuted me for going out I want to say the blood of Jesus works. He told me to go out every day – I was ministering to people out on the streets. I preached the blood of Jesus to heal. Y’all don’t believe. Now you do. I’ve been out everyday since the covid, been going to beaches, Miami, tj, planes, buses, trains, wherever God led me and I am healthy by his stripes. I hugged people, layed hands on people, prayed for people, I came into contact with more people than most and I kept proclaiming the truth of His finished work.

“But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:5)

A lot of Christians don’t give believe Jesus finished the work- so they’ve submitted to fear and the government. By His stripes we are healed- that means in this present state I am healthy and disease is a spirit of infirmity that needs to be rebuked if it attacks.

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Last night I talked for an hour and a half with someone who grew up Christian. He found my dating profile on okcupid and we matched. I was reminded of the weightiness of my calling to pastor lost sheep. I was reminded not to get distracted and that even though I felt heart broken over someone who didn’t believe in Jesus, to keep my eyes on God and His promises for me.

 

He has promised me this-

  1. A life overflowing in abundance
  2. Complete health now.
  3. A husband that will love me with all his heart, someone who loves God
  4. A life full of promises, destiny and dreams. I get to do everything I love with everyone I love.

 

 

 

You Are Worthy of Love

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Dear Dad,

I felt God say to write a letter to you.

It’s very hard to understand that your heart is for me or that you even love me when we basically have no communication.

Communication is my heart language, besides physical affection.

It’s hard to understand when someone rejects you. I’ve been dealing with feeling unwanted my whole life, so I didn’t put myself in front of many opportunities or even love itself. Friendships, desires for relationships.

There were two instances where I felt rejected by men. One guy I really liked but since at one point he just wanted to be friends, he rejected my hug. I felt rejected and unwanted. Now after that he said he wanted to be alone and he never picked up my calls or texts. But God kept telling me to express how I felt so I did.

It was difficult not getting a response. I persevered and then eventually the desire waned after I did my fare share of reaching out. Eventually I met someone else. Now this was another growth lesson.

God has always told me to not be afraid of rejection. So I keep putting my heart out there even though it hurts.

This one has a kid and a fair share of past drama. To which, I thought, you know what let me not get involved. But for some reason God kept telling me to follow my heart and as much as I was afraid of a possible end, I pursued it knowing God had breakthroughs for me. 

I remember someone prophesying over me that I was going up a hill and a mountain, but that it would be worth it.

This year God has been preparing me for marriage and He has been doing it through getting to know people I go on dates with. The lessons are beyond plentiful.

Showing me peoples’ experiences through marriage, cheating, just like you did, you cheated, but maybe you had your reasons.

I followed my heart and I’ve cried plenty of times. I realize that it has worked out my muscles, my heart. Because I wanted to deny my emotions for a long time. I wanted to not feel, because I thought pain was so awful. Now I realize pain is a gift. Pain allows you to process your fears.

I was afraid of getting hurt.

I felt unwanted when I couldn’t get what I wanted, I felt rejected- but when I cried because of that pain, I felt a release of fear. 

When I was able to express my fears openly and honestly, then cry in front of a man, I felt loved. Because I was transparent and naked emotionally. 

God always sends men who seem shut down and emotionally unavailable, like you dad.

But for some reason when I am able to show my emotions and have breakthroughs I realize it has nothing to do with you, it’s about me being able to feel.

Even if you never reciprocate, as long as I can feel, I’m okay.

Because this is my life, and I have to be okay with my emotions, I have to express love and love myself by embracing my emotions.

I’m open now.

It’s so good to be alive.

I don’t always have to laugh or be happy in front of people, I can be vulnerable.

I feel amazing today. I feel at rest having cried. I feel peaceful. I can have what I want, my presence in the moment.

I kept running from my emotions not realizing my emotion is the best gift. I embrace every emotion I have and I freely release them in the moment.

you are worthy of love signage on brown wooden post taken
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I wish someone taught me dating is not about getting to the end goal but realizing and healing from the wounds that need to be healed before you meet the one. So instead of the end goal of meeting the one….it’s about reflecting on the cross section of issues that you have and what that other person has. And experiencing breakthrough and healing through those conversations, conflicts, emotions.