Dad? I stood by the doorway. He was drunk on a bed in the living room. I couldn’t get through to him no matter how hard I tried.
“Ich Liebe dich” it means I love you, I said.
Still not much response.
An unavailable heart is an unavailable person. You can try all you can to knock down that door but it only causes you to be tired.
I’ve tried my best, I’ve knocked down some walls but only God can open hearts.
And that’s why even when someone who doesn’t believe in Jesus (that I met on the bus) asked me “how do you pray?”
I’m touched and I feel there’s a light into someone’s heart. Because much of what I do is putting my heart out to meet a closed door.
It can be tiring and I need to be refueled.
Jesus this is too hard.
G- you’re my shining star. You’ve done your best.
I sense the Lord is opening a new chapter in our lives with new vision. He is removing the boulders and the responsibilities that are too heavy for you. He says it’s time to shine, no longer time to wait.
I’ve seen you serve others, now it’s time for others to serve you, to help you.
To be honest there are moments I’m scared of the future. I’m scared the past will repeat itself, that the bad moments will come to haunt me, but I know that’s a lie.
He has been building you in the fire. It’s been so hot and you thought you were going to be destroyed but you came out stronger.
Don’t give up.
I’ve been following Jesus on a ride that seems so crazy to others and even to myself I feel tired at times. Yes Lord I’ve gathered your lost sheep, I’ve tended to the lost but what am me? You know my own family?
Jesus- will you trust me?
R- yes. But it feels tiring, and my heart feels like it’s semi frozen. When will my dad really open his heart? Maybe never?
Jesus- it doesn’t matter because it’s time for you to live your life, the truth is you may never reach him but I am here for you, I am emotionally available to you.
I think we all desire emotional connection and intimacy with our parents but the truth is, it’s a two way street.
So I find the people I minister to become in a way, therapy for myself. When I tell them my story I find my heart not as disheartened, I find rest knowing someone understands.
Even though I minister to a lot of people, some also minister back to me. When I pray for them I’m praying for myself.
Here’s my heart, it’s raw and vulnerable.
Not everyone can handle a raw heart, their hearts are like stone, hard and unreachable.
But my Chinese name means continuous perseverance, I don’t give up no matter how unreachable someone’s heart is.
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.
1. Every promise from God is yes and amen!
2. God has a great plan for me! Plans to flourish and prosper me and not to harm me!
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