This morning I looked within and asked myself how I felt. I felt “unwanted” and God was telling me that I am wanted.
I realized when someone told me a casting director really liked me and I was surprised….because he kept telling me to say things over, and deep down I thought he didn’t like me or I was doing things wrong, I realized that I often think people don’t like me.
Why? Probably because my dad didn’t talk to me for 10 years. Probably because his silence in my life made me think that I was unwanted, and not likable. So these deeply imbedded thoughts made me reject myself. For many years, I called him non stop without a response. For two years, I called hundreds of times. That is why I don’t give up, I don’t stop at nothing now to get what I want.
One day he picked up my call and he was drinking whiskey. It wasn’t the type of conversation I was hoping for, but it was something. It was a breakthrough for me. That’s why I’m not afraid to call or talk to someone behind the screen about an opportunity. That’s why I’m not afraid of confrontation. That’s why I’m not afraid to say how I feel. It’s taken a lot of practice.
I would see the slightest annoyance in peoples’ faces and think they don’t like me. I would run away from situations that required me to perform. If anyone told me what to do, I’d think they’re trying to control me. Confrontation was scary to me.
When someone tells me things are not possible, I can’t do this or that, or that there’s rules or systems….something inside of me says “YES ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!”
Because God tells me to follow my heart, not rules, not systems, not schools, not policies, not tradition. He tells me to breakthrough by going after what I want.
I’ll give you a small example. Yesterday I needed to charge my phone at a restaurant. I asked the waitress and she asked her coworker. She asked a few times and he said no. I was not content because my phone was about to die. I even asked if I could charge it in the bathroom because no one else was in the restaurant. Again, the male coworker said no.
I went up to him directly because again I was not happy. He said “oh it’s because I’ve gotten in trouble for helping a customer charge their phone, but if you like to put your phone in the bathroom you can go ahead”.
His explanation helped me to realize that he wasn’t being a stickler, he just didn’t want to get in trouble and I also got to charge my phone. I got an explanation and what I wanted by going to the source. I’ve talked to a lot of managers and gotten explanations, apologies, conversations. These opportunities help me to express how I feel, instead of resenting the business. Since I didn’t grow up with my dad I never got the opportunity to express how I feel, so telling people how I feel helps me get out of my emotional cave.
Do you have trouble speaking up because of the fear of rejection?