I’m scared that if I get close to someone they will leave me. 

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This was a super impromptu “photo shoot” that I had in the moment at Pacific Palisades.

How deep do you want to fall?

We all try to protect our hearts. We call it “being wise”. We disappear. We ghost, we don’t communicate how much we care, we act like we can be disconnected from our hearts.

“I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t want to get hurt”.

That’s our excuse. Sky high walls around our hearts. It’s better to not be happy, then be happy for a minute or a moment. 

We try to cut things short because maybe we won’t feel it, any kind of pain.

But it’s inevitable.

I remember the pain of leaving my 10 year old students in China or each mission trip I took. I built deep friendships with the people I hung out with. Everyday I felt my heart being broken. But does that mean I shouldn’t have gone? No. That’s what made the moments beautiful. 

You love them more in each moment.

The moments are sparkly. Vulnerability beautiful.

Hearts shining.

But we seem to pull back as humans.

It’s better to be defensive and cold than to show that we care.

I don’t want to live with a closed heart. I want to live with my heart wide open.

I went from having to turn down a guy, to kind of being turned down (even as a friend), to a guy trying to “protect my heart from getting hurt” to meeting a guy who wanted to treat me right but didn’t want me to “fall in love with him”.

These are all innuendos of “let’s not feel”.

The truth is relationships are complex and it’s hard to be cold-hearted. 

But we have all kinds of excuse. 

I don’t want to hurt you.

I don’t want you to hurt me. “I’m scared to get hurt”.

I had a really clean cut idea of marriage and dating. I didn’t understand why I had to date. “What’s the point God? Especially if he’s not my husband?” 

2 years ago God showed me a tinder account swiping left, and I heard “get ready”.

I never really understood why I had to go through so much dating wise, even before. Other people seemed to have it easy. They just met their husband and that’s it. But no, me???? I’ve had plenty of boyfriends, I’ve had summer/winter/fall flings, I was definitely not the typical church-goer.

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I’m a romantic. I used to draw comics and write love stories. Each boyfriend was a potential husband. I wrote impossible scenarios of grand romantic gestures. 

But those were not always the type of men I met. Some were just lewd, sketchy, perverts. The only way I found that I could protect my heart was to not sleep with them (so I have managed to save myself for marriage). But do not get me wrong, I’ve had my share of physical experiences.

I didn’t grow up with my dad, I shut down my heart whenever I would leave Taiwan (after a visit).

“It’s better to not feel, then to feel any love for someone who will leave me”.

That is how I protected myself. But that’s how I became disassociated and disconnected emotionally. 

Through this dating process recently, the Lord showed me how I would disconnect to protect myself. A part of my personality would shut down because my heart was bracing for the heartbreak, the separation. I would sense how I became distant, indifferent. I would stop laughing, I would stop being entertaining or happy. I would become quieter, pensive. I wouldn’t say what is on my mind.

“It’s going to end anyway” my heart would say.

“Why bother? Why try?”

I couldn’t allow myself just to be happy, because there was some pending “doom”. 

People think that if they just disconnect or not feel, then they’d protect themselves from pain. 

But I realize that pain is powerful, it allows our hearts to know that it matters. 

That person or moment or season of my life was beautiful, powerful, lovely.

Why can’t we be okay with that?

We avoid pain at all costs but we also miss the beauty of it all. 

The life, the riches, the moments.

After spending time with someone the Lord led me to yesterday, I felt this strange ache in my neck. My heart felt numb and unfeeling. I didn’t know why. I woke up in the middle of the night and started crying. My heart was scared to feel.

I’m scared that if I get close to someone they will leave me. 

Like the other friends who disappeared from my life, will this one leave too? That’s what pushed me away from forming deep friendships for awhile. And even if I did, I couldn’t communicate through the pain of certain conflicts. It hurt too much. I had people betray me, but I also cut people off.

When people are good to you, you doubt it. This is too good to be true. Am I really safe? Or are they judgemental? Will they snap at any minute?

I’ve met nice people recently, and I think they’ll stay that way, but one comment triggers them to react and my heart will fear. 

“I’m not safe” my heart will say. “Go home” I’ll think.

God has been leading me to people who are lonely, rejected, wounded, I mean that is my ministry. At the same time, I find myself trying to guard myself from feeling for them.

“Get down and dirty, feel each moment, feel each feeling, no matter how uncomfortable it feels. Cry and laugh. Don’t be afraid of love”.

Love is not just happiness and roses, love is also the pain of separation. I talk to many singles about dating and they often use the excuse of “I’m just loving myself”. This may be true for a season but the prophesy that the Lord has been telling me is “tell people to open their heart and come out of hiding”.

Tell people to be vulnerable, to tell their truth. 

It’s human nature to hide out of shame, unworthiness, guilt. But when we expose our truths, we know that we can truly be loved for who we are, not what we do. 

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Some people may find me too careless to open my heart but that’s just how God has made me. I have to have an open heart everyday. Sometimes I’ll have fear in my heart and I won’t want to take chances or step out in faith but God will lead me to be courageous.

Yesterday He said “ask for a ride” and just as I was about to get the bus I saw a car pull up. The car had a baby in it. The driver was Catholic. She sped up and dropped me off where the bus was. My heart was still hesitant right? Immediately I met a guy with tattoos who was quiet. I started talking to him. I know most people find talking to strangers intimidating but when people open up to me, I feel encouraged.

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Eventually I got to Pasadena and I saw this woman walking around with her suitcase. I asked if she needed help and she said “no”. God said “follow her, ask her if she needs help”. Eventually I realized that God was trying to tell me not to be afraid of rejection.

Because I needed to tell a guy my truth. The truth was “I am not physically attracted to you”. I tried to explain it a few ways but I realize that I couldn’t. I had to be honest. I was emotionally attracted but not physically attracted so I used “you’re not usually my type” as a way to avoid the truth. But he thought that I would eventually realize he was the better option, opposed to the other guys that I was seeing (whom he considered bad boys).

The truth is hard to hear sometimes, but it does set us free. We want to take care of peoples’ hearts but we really can’t. Only God can, God has peoples’ hearts in His hands.

I felt guilty and bad for having to be honest. I hate hurting people, but closing a door allows them to move on. 

Maybe I’m too honest, or maybe I overshare. But I live in freedom. I’m an artist, I’ve been created to express myself.

I’m not a saint, I’ve been saved by grace. I’m not perfect, only perfect by the blood of Jesus.

Would you consider giving a contribution or donating to this ministry? God leads me to divine appointments everyday, I pastor people who are unconventional, who have been rejected by the church or by their parents, some are drug addicts living on the streets, some are just really isolated people who have no friends, some just have high walls up in their hearts. Many of them I prophesy for them to go home because they have a fear of being rejected by their parents….most likely they have already experienced lots of rejection from their family. I was like that myself. But God taught me to speak up to my mom and tell her how I feel, without a fear of rejection. It’s never really become easy though. I’ve just grown in my capacity to have patience and love for her.

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Codependent Love

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I don’t like this process. I hate it.

One minute I am in la la land, one minute I am having to turn someone down and break their hearts. Oh, relationships are complicated and complex. Humans are complex.

How about I just get to the end of this process.

Life would be easier.

Or would it?

Would simply meeting my husband make my life easier?

Probably not, that comes with more complex things.

“It’s not your fault, you didn’t do anything wrong”

“hurting people feels like a bitch”- me

“You are not responsible for peoples’ happiness, I am, I am the one that holds peoples’ hearts, I am the one who protects them, not even people can protect their own hearts. Self-protection is not what I want, I want people to surrender to me so I can do a work in their heart”

“I want to make things better”- me

“You cannot”- God

“I wish I never met some of these people, maybe that’ll make life easier”- me

“there is too much pain in this world”- me

“I have overcome this world, I have already conquered the pain for you”

“I want to crawl into a hole and not talk to people again”

“Don’t do that, come out everyday, make a choice to trust me”-God

“Maybe I don’t trust you right now”

“Trust me”- God

Yesterday I met a homeless guy who said his dad wants nothing to do with him. It really hurt my heart but I am learning to release problems to God. God I pray for everyone I talk to and minister to that you may help them Lord, open their hearts to love and open my heart to love. Help me not to close my heart to love in Jesus name. Amen.

I always thought relationships were tiresome or burdensome because I didn’t grow up with healthy examples of interdependent relationships. If someone was upset or angry, I felt responsible for making them feel better. I had to learn to release their problems to God and not carry them on my shoulders.

I am not responsible for peoples’ pain or for making them feel better.

Pray for me to continually release peoples’ burdens to God.

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A Letter To God

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Dear God,

I woke up at 5:30am and you said to write a letter to you.

So here goes. I think nowadays people have a hard time relating. They don’t ask questions anymore and they don’t talk anymore. People just tell you what to do. They don’t talk about their feelings. I guess sometimes I have a hard time telling you what’s on my heart too because maybe I feel like you don’t care? Or because my dad never seemed to care. But it’s not true. You do care. You care a lot. But it’s weird how we think you don’t.

At church, we were taught to just listen. We weren’t allowed to have an opinion.

When I started singing something not on the page, people got mad, what the heck is singing in the spirit? They didn’t understand it. I felt super judged then.

We live in a society filled with judgement and hate. There is no understanding. It’s only about right or wrong. There is no two way street, it’s a one way street and it’s a fast street, a highway really.

A lot of times I felt like I had to explain myself and that came with a lot of strife. There was no listening on the other person’s part….or fast reactions, as if peoples’ identity depended on being right. 

I guess people don’t listen or relate anymore. People don’t write letters to each other or really take the time to understand each other.

Yesterday I tried to talk to a friend and he was very vague about how he felt, everything seemed blurry. I wondered if maybe when he tried to share how he felt, people dismissed him or judged him.

I find it sad that people pass fast remarks. People love to judge, it’s like they get a gold award for judging, it puzzles me. 

Maybe that’s why people freak out when I prophesy something to them they don’t want to hear, because they think you are trying to control them. That puzzles me too. You’ve never shown yourself to be a tyrant and the only reason you lead me to anything or anywhere or anyone is because you care for me. 

But yah sometimes I can get caught up with the people I meet too that I forget about my own needs. Like I’ve been wanting to eat more fruits and vegetables but I haven’t had the time to buy groceries.

I think it’s because I just want to relate to people.

When I call my mom she gives me a one word, two sentence call. It’s always something practical, there’s no emotions there. My dad, well he doesn’t talk to me, so there is no relating there.

But I also find getting close to people strange and weird, I feel my heart shutting down when I am understood. Yesterday I had a divine appointment and he went on a semi-rant, a very heady logical rant about some heady intellectual concept.

When we stop relating, we start becoming logical and legalistic. 

I feel overwhelmed by the process of learning to be in relationship with people. I realize maybe I never really knew how. Or I did, but seems like I often pushed aside my emotions or feelings because I didn’t want people to leave or abandon me.

Yesterday I told someone how I felt and he was not happy. I pissed him off. Or actually what you told me to tell him pissed him off. You do a good job of giving me messages that piss people off, this I’m also annoyed by. Why use me as a messenger when I can just be a normal person who puts their head down?

My friend said following you is way hard and maybe she doesn’t want to follow you all the way, but I know that it’s worth it.

Because I’m on the other side of having been in the prison as Joseph was. I was denied and betrayed, thrown in the pit. I followed you even when my mom turned against me and my own friends stopped helping me, I followed you into the dark, with a suitcase, not knowing how I would survive, where I would sleep or what I would eat.

I faced my BIGGEST fears.

The fear of judgement, rejection, starvation, of being homeless, of possibly being killed or assaulted, etc. I had to TRUST YOU with my life because not everyone wants to land in a foreign country by themselves….and especially NOT have a plan, which is what happened. You told me not to book where I will stay because you said someone will house me. I had to trust you completely.

Remember when I went to Samoa and you told me not to book anything? You told me to talk to the person next to me on the plane and even ask for a donation as he was going to help me?

I was surprised he gave after I told him my testimony. He didn’t question me like the others.

I got off the plane with the money he gave me (as I had probably $20-30 in cash and that’s it) and then I asked him for a ride. In the car was a mother and two kids, one named Rebecca Mia (Rebecca the gift). I felt you asking me to ask her to stay with her. 

She responded “this morning I cleaned out the guest room, I felt like someone was coming”. She was also Christian. We had more in common than I expected. More so that her life experience was similar to my mother’s. We shared a commonality in pain. 

But you have such a great way of leading me to people that have a similar story. We bond when we cry together, but sometimes it can be difficult. Sometimes and maybe because of betrayal, silence of my father, I feel that I’ve suddenly retreated into myself and not want to talk to you on an emotional level.

Hey God do you hear me?

Yes- I’m here.

You should ask me some questions, because that’s what fathers do.

What’s your favorite color? My favorite color is pink right now, it used to be orange and I also like black and blue. I like the rainbow.

Who do you like? I like my friend, I like talking to her, but recently she doesn’t really like you it seems, maybe because you’ve been trying to set her free and it’s never fun to confront our deepest fears. I also like a few other friends, people I have interests in…but they’re not all nice all the time, I find people difficult sometimes.

Like not everyone says what’s on their mind and it’s frustrating. There are also guys who lie to themselves and say they can just be friends but deep down, they’ll be heart broken if they know they’ll never have a real chance with me.

I don’t like to hurt people. Dating is weird. Dating is very strange to me. Why talk or converse when you know they’re just not it.

But I think dating is really about learning to relate and talk to each other.

Dear God, I have a rash on my neck, please heal it in Jesus name. I hear “fear of the unknown”. I cast out the fear of the unknown now in Jesus name.

I guess that’s how I feel about the future….everyday I tell people how I feel, I meet divine appointments, I’m okay flowing with you God, I like doing it.

However, people are unpredictable. One moment they are nice and the next, they are triggered. People have so many triggers, they get angry really fast. That scares me. I guess it reminds me of my mom. She was – wow- too much? And maybe because of her, I’ve toned down my emotions and shut down my heart. But now I know it’s okay to be angry or sad. 

We always want to be in control and when we are not, we freak out. I notice people will do anything to be in control of their emotions, they don’t want their true colors to show. Apparently, you’ve used my mother to train me to not be afraid of peoples’ reactions. 

Because it is obvious that people have all kinds of triggers. They even get mad if I say the word trigger.

Anyways, I’ve talked enough. Let’s talk later.

Signing off….

How do I feel?

I feel a bit annoyed by what happened today. You just love to use me to piss people off by telling them the truth. But I’d rather be honest than to BS, I’ve done enough people pleasing in my life, I’m done with that. I also love the show Never Have I Ever. It is awesome, one day I’ll write a tv show like that, but better. Of course the main character will be an Asian girl. I’ll probably write a tv show about my life. It’s been a wild ride.

Rebekka

Would you consider giving a contribution or donating to this ministry? God leads me to divine appointments everyday, I pastor people who are unconventional, who have been rejected by the church or by their parents, some are drug addicts living on the streets, some are just really isolated people who have no friends, some just have high walls up in their hearts. Many of them I prophesy for them to go home because they have a fear of being rejected by their parents….most likely they have already experienced lots of rejection from their family. I was like that myself. But God taught me to speak up to my mom and tell her how I feel, without a fear of rejection. It’s never really become easy though. I’ve just grown in my capacity to have patience and love for her.

Thank you for your love and support-
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Zelle- rebekkalien@gmail.com

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The Lord told me to go to Pasadena and I was talking to someone I had already met on the bus before and this man with a pot came on the bus. I felt led to talk to him so I left the elder that I was talking to.

He said he was going to San Francisco with just the clothes off his back. He had a pot for drumming. He told me he was a foster kid, adopted, and had 5 brothers.

God told me to tell him to go home and that he was worthy of love. We spent a few hours talking at the park. I asked him if he had any money for food and got him some food. Sometimes people feed me and sometimes I feed them. I felt sad that he felt like he had to change himself to be loved by people.

I spent many hours and days of my life fixing myself before I hung out with people. I tried to cheer people up by being a cheerleader, by always being in a good mood. But the truth is, I was crying at home.

Now I can present an authentic self to people…..though it hasn’t always been this way. 

People get offended when I say I minister to lost sheep, but that is the truth. God told me that I pastor lost sheep. I was lost too, I didn’t have anyone “shepherding” me but it’s because everyone who tried to help me tried to control me. So I’ve found a way to love people who are heavily wounded.

It’s not always easy though. Sometimes I get hurt in the process of loving people. But then I’m also honest about how I feel. Look, in the past I would’ve been like “oh yah, I forgive you”, but now I’m more honest.

“Hey, I don’t get this situation, and I’m still mad so give me some time to process”.

Instead of coming up with a blanket reply that will ease any tension….which is what I used to do, be the “better person” but then write off all my emotions.

 

 

 

Showing Need

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Showing vulnerability and need is probably the scariest things in life.

Even if he or she is not the one, it’s okay to show and express love and care. 

Saying “I want to see you or I enjoy your company” is something that not many people like to show….because of abandonment issues, rejection fears….

What if they don’t want to see me? 

What if they don’t care about me?

So we push and pull, we play games, we don’t say what’s really on our minds. We are fearful that people have more expectations of us that we can’t fulfill.

So we hide, in our dark cave.

It’s better to be alone than to tell someone how I actually feel.

“I’m scared, I feel alone, I need help”

WE want to feel prepared for love, when we are perfect, when we have no needs or desires, when we are “perfect”. 

But being rocked by love and being hurt is an indication that it is love.

Love reveals your deepest weakness and vulnerabilities and without that, there is no true love. 

My longest relationship was 2.5 years, my ex was scared to show his emotions. It was emotionally lonely. I sought emotional support from elsewhere. 

My worst fear?

Being too much, being too clingy or needy.

I prided myself in being independent, not needing anyone. Solely “relying on God”. I would say. I was taught that I only needed God, not people. 

But that’s a lie. I need people in my life as much as I need God. We are supposed to love people, and that’s a sign of God in us.

I had an imbalance of giving in my life. I always gave, helped others but did not know how to ask for help. I thought of that as “needy”. But that’s exactly what I needed. I needed help, I needed emotional support, I needed financial support too. Now God is balancing the scales.

How can you be more vulnerable today? What do you need to say to someone?

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Prophetic Word- Heart Breakthrough

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Why do we love who we love?

Why do we feel used?

Why do we love those who cannot love us back and why don’t we love those who can?

Why do we fear intimacy and why does love hurt?

Why do we hide and think that is love and care?

Why do we fear vulnerability?

God- I am here for you. If you will have me. If you come to me and drink of this never ending fountain. I am here for you, I will never leave nor forsake you.

Me- People scare me. They are one way one moment, the next they are monsters. They are unpredictable. They are scare me.

God- Don’t be afraid to love for out of love comes life.

Me- I feel that I will never find love that I deserve, for I’ve chased the type of love that is sick and twisted, the type of love that I have to fight for, that isn’t freely given.

God- you will find it, for you are love, you have found me. You have found love, you are love, as I am within you.

Me- I am love.

God- I have loved you from the beginning of time. If you are love there is no lack of love and there is an unceasing fountain of love, ready at all times. You are love, you are enough.

Me- How can I continue to love when I feel depleted?

God- Give yourself a break, it’s okay. Give yourself a break. It’s enough. From the beginning of time, I have been enough and I will always overflow in love. You were created to love and without love there is no meaning.

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The Plan Is To Follow God/You Heart

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Wow God. First God told me to go to Pasadena so I took an Uber and he was this Muslim guy. The Lord told me to ask him to get me food and he said okay. He also said to ask him to wait and take me home.
On the ride home I heard the Lord say “tell him to go home” so I said when’s the last time you went home, he said 10 years ago (I thought about my brother who is afraid of my mom). He got really emotional and wanted to cry. The last time he saw his mom and dad was 10 years ago but he was afraid to face them. I said “sometimes our heart don’t know what we truly want”. we think being independent is what we want but what we need is relational closeness.
I got home and God told me to go to the airport to talk to an Uber driver (also I cried a lot)….this driver ran away from home when he was 14 and became homeless and stayed with different people.
He said that if my dad hid from me it’s because he cares for me and feels guilty which made me cry. He also said he’s never been married because he fears a wife controlling him.
I prophesied to him to not be afraid of love. He said that he often feels guilty if he’s not able to help someone. But I said Jesus died for his sins and God is taking care of everyone.
Then I was like God should I get a ticket? I hadn’t booked a flight. I wasn’t sure. I saw a Chinese lady who needed help with translation so I helped her.
I decided to just get a ticket…I met a few divine appointments in the airport and suddenly heard to go home so I went to cancel my flight and said that I was heart broken, and that was a divine appointment- one Jewish and Christian lady told me when it’s the right person you’ll just know. They were able to void my ticket.
See George Clooney?
I said that I liked a guy but I know he isn’t the one. The Jewish lady says “you should always do what you want because when you do, you meet like minded people”.
She said “you should go to charity events, that’s where people have a little bit of money”.
Okay, well maybe this is holy spirit speaking.
I went out and saw a shuttle for the green light coming, I hopped on.
I saw someone on the shuttle and God said go to the back- He told me to ask for a ride…and he was hesitant but he said okay. He seemed closed off and scared.
I said-
“You’ve been hurt and heart broken but don’t be afraid to open your heart to love”.
He said he had been cheated on. He caught his ex cheating. He was very closed off. So yah I got home.
Honestly I was confused at times like God I have no idea what you’re doing, but as I saw the day play out I saw that God was moving and I had to just flow with it.

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Waiting For Marriage To Have Sex

I’m not a perfect person but I’ve been made righteous by the blood of Jesus.

I just want to say that I didn’t have will power to resist sex because of my own strength, but because of supernatural grace.

Lest anyone boast right?

The only reason I’ve been able to wait until marriage to have sex is because of the grace of God, not because of my own mind or will power.

I think I want to share that with you because someone may think I’m more of a saint because of my ability to wait. When I was 12 years old I accepted Jesus into my heart. I became a spirit filled believer. When I was young I decided I would wait until marriage, not because anyone told me to but because I wanted to protect my heart from users who only wanted to sleep with me because of a need for physical release.

Basically I wanted to protect my heart from unnecessary pain.

So lest you think I have so much self-control, it is really the power of the holy spirit in me to help me resist lust. 

Does that mean I am a prude? No, I’ve done other things, I’ve also been disloyal before in relationships. The reason I want to share this with you is because I want to show you that I am not perfect, but again I’ve been made righteous by the blood of Jesus.

If you have a porn addiction or some kind of addiction, Jesus CAN FREE YOU and HEAL YOU. I promise you this!

I used to look down at certain people for certain things but God has really shown me that I am far from perfect and that I needed to show grace to people….

So if you are living in fear because of the coronavirus, I want to show you grace….you are free in Christ Jesus. I’m not going to be mad anymore at those who decide to lock your kids in the house because of the quarantine (even though it is child abuse to me), I will pray for you.

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