The last year, from July 2019-now God has systematically helped me release false responsibility. I had a dream where I was wearing a dress with pockets and there were babies in the pocket. I heard “once you get rid of false responsibility you’ll get married”. I took babies out of the pockets.
Here’s what God did.
Growing up I often felt falsely responsible for my mom’s anger. I felt like it was my fault she was in a bad mood so I became a people pleaser.
God started to help me see that it was not my fault but her issues with unforgiveness towards my dad and other family members. God used a gay social worker lyft driver to speak into my spirit. He said “it is not your job to carry the burden of your mom’s anger. Stop washing her dirty dishes and cleaning her room. If she is angry with your dad, it’s her job to tell him, not yours”.
God will tell me to go places and talk to uber/lyft drivers. He would send me to divine appointments on a daily basis. I would talk to these people about family and their issues. I would tell them my testimony and prophesy to them. There is no time or room for me to sulk or be afraid, I just have to go and speak.
For awhile, I used to give rent money to my mom when I lived with her. I felt bad I could not give her money after I started freelancing. God told me “you are not responsible for her”. My relationship with my mom was strongly based on guilt.
Why is it urgent to go where God leads and speak, without fear?
Because God is promptly preparing you for marriage!
I had a lot of false guilt thrown at me recently.
Things like –
- Someone needed help but I was not able to, so I said so and this person guilt tripped me by saying “so you’ll only help when it’s convenient for you?”
- Someone’s car got towed while we were hanging out – and even though I was not the one responsible for where he parked, I felt guilt. I had to cast it out in Jesus name.
- A friendship ended and I felt falsely responsible and I tried everything I can to save it, but I realized it needed to end because we were codependent.
God systematically REMOVED every hindrance to marriage.
I didn’t realize how MUCH people are actually not ready for marriage.
I didn’t realize how much God needed to teach me before I got married.
He sent me fathers who have cheated on their wives, He sent me people who struggle with porn, He sent me people who have trouble communicating, He sent me people who were shut down like my dad, He sent me people to teach me forgiveness and to heal my heart from the issues with my mom and dad.
All so that I can have an understanding and a soft heart, and not live in bitterness and anger.
I had to learn to express anger because I thought it was bad to express anger. I thought anger resulted in making others feel guilty (with my mom).
I had a guy that I liked hit on my friend in front of me, also triggering any trust issues that I may have had towards my friend. I expressed my anger towards him and learned to forgive him.
I had to express how I felt with men who did not respond well.
I had to confront someone who touched my leg.
I learned that I was not responsible for peoples’ issues. I had to set boundaries with the landlord, who kept telling me to do things that were outside of my responsibilities.
I learned that I was not responsible for cheering my friend up and she was responsible for her own happiness.
All of these seem simply but in the moment, it can be complicated.
Say I was out at a restaurant and my friend was in a bad mood, I realized I did not need to baby sit anyone. If I felt like I didn’t want to be around her, I could say so. If she wanted to go home, she could go. If I wanted to talk to strangers I could, because that’s what the holy spirit led me to do.
Many of us live from a place of obligation. We think it is love but it is not love.
Yesterday the Lord led me to several people. One Christian girl was heavily enmeshed in a 5 year relationship that involved abuse. I was walking on the street and noticed her backpack so decided to comment on it. We talked for awhile and expressed to her how I felt, prophesying to her as well, but I could feel her codependency. I had to discern that. I heard God say “go to the abbey, go now”. I could have stayed out of wanting a girl friend, but I had to listen to God.
Because I AM not responsible for her issues. I prophesied and prayed for her, but realized that I was not responsible to make HER feel good about herself. In addition, I felt that she was telling me what to do, telling me I should not go to bars and restaurants. But I had to speak up and say “no, God told me to”. I cannot submit to you, or fear.
Sometimes we become close friends with people out of similar wounds, versus similar truth identity. The truth identity can be “I am a child of God”. But some friendships are built out of “self pity”.
“I feel sorry for myself so I am going to be friends with someone who feels sorry for herself too”.
There is no empowerment there. But there are friends who come in and out of our lives for a reason.
I am so grateful that even if I’m not ready to let go of someone, God removes them out of my life out of grace. I may feel hurt and rejected, but when I look back I realize that if I kept being friends with them, I’d continue to be codependent on their approval or validation.
Now I am operating solely on His love.
Not on other peoples’ love for me.
Yesterday God told me to go to the abbey and there was a man sitting alone. I felt led to talk to him and turns out he grew up Catholic. I asked if I could sit with him. He was filipino and Chinese. I realized that maybe it’s a good idea to marry someone who is part Asian.
I’ve gotten rejected before, not everyone’s heart is open. But I’m getting to the point where I don’t care if their hearts are closed. Love is not afraid of rejection.
The other dilemma has also been false guilt. When I go to these restaurants, I may wonder if the staff thinks weirdly of me because I come alone and I often become friends with people. No one else does that. Not many people. But since God has given me extreme courage, He leads me to the lost sheep.
There are times I want to indulge in hating men when negative circumstances occur, I’ll talk to other female divine appointments…..for instance, I had a lyft driver who told me she did not want to talk to people or make friends right now because she went through a breakup in Februrary and 5 of her best friends have slept with her exes, so she does not trust people. Period. She grew up Catholic.
I felt led to ask her to join me for dinner and she said no. I asked her if she wanted to exchange numbers, she said no.
I tried right?
Here’s the deal.
When you are ready for marriage, when you are ready for what God wants for your life. You no longer submit to fear. You don’t entertain bullshit. You say yes to God, you say yes to what you want and you go for it even when others may judge or reject you for it. When God says “go talk to this person”, you do it because your heart is being unveiled. I go to this car rental place and many times God sends me to talk to customers. It may look strange how friendly I am with strangers. It may look wrong even, but I can’t live in fear of what others think.
I don’t have one “best friend” that I call all the time. I realize it was unhealthy. Now I have many friends that I talk to. If I overindulge in false therapy with girl friends, God tells me to go, He’ll say “don’t hide” and I’ll meet a divine appointment that is a male.
He says “you’re about to get married, don’t be afraid of men”. Come out of hiding. Tell the truth, don’t be afraid of confrontation. If you don’t like someone, tell them. IF you like them, tell them. If you love them, tell them. If you’re angry, tell them. If you’re sad, tell them.
Here’s a divine appointment I met on a lyft drive- he is a songwriter for Sony and also christian.
And I had the idea to wear the rapper sunglasses and take this photo.