You Are Loved. Period.

Prophetic word- LET GO of LOT so you can move forward!!!!!

5 Now Lot, who was moving about with Abram, also had flocks and herds and tents. 6 But the land could not support them while they stayed together, for their possessions were so great that they were not able to stay together. 7 And quarreling arose between Abram’s herders and Lot’s. The Canaanites and Perizzites were also living in the land at that time.

8 So Abram said to Lot, “Let’s not have any quarreling between you and me, or between your herders and mine, for we are close relatives. 9 Is not the whole land before you? Let’s part company. If you go to the left, I’ll go to the right; if you go to the right, I’ll go to the left.”

Genesis 13

What breaks my heart for women, especially that I’ve been talking to….is that they allow the wrong people into their life and they think they are being loving by sacrificing their own time and energy to help them, but instead they are being completely drained! 

I had this belief that I had to help as many people as possible.

 

But I was wrong. So wrong. God taught me that I can’t throw my pearls to swine, and the reason I was getting unnecessarily persecuted was because I was trying to feed people that didn’t want to be fed. 

It’s hard because when you start to set boundaries you may fear losing a friend. Maybe they won’t want your help anymore, and that means you may not feel loved because they are not constantly asking you for help.

But your relationship shouldn’t be based on helping each other all the time, but on actual enjoyment. It’s like you wouldn’t want to be in a relationship where you are drained and constantly weighed down, it should be based on enjoyment. Who wants to marry someone where you are constantly emotionally drained. 

You should be enjoying each others’ presence.

Are you enjoying God? Do you know God enjoys your presence? Do you enjoy your own presence? 

There is nothing more or less you can do for God to love you.

What is God like?

He loves you and cherishes you. He holds you when you are about to fall. He loves all unconditionally. His voice is the voice of desire, not the voice of guilt or obligation. I pray today you will receive the father’s love in a new way. 

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A picture from a train in New York

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When Life Disappoints- Look Up

from coming

“Oh this restaurant is packed” said the handsome man with white socks and sandal.

I mean those sandals, but anyhow he was cute. I suddenly felt light.

Then he walked around the restaurant and walked to his Asian girlfriend. Why do I note the race, I think he was filipino but I mean, I was another Asian girl.

I felt, a little bit depleted. It’s been a few weeks since I met a semi- nice guy but turned out he had issues. I have issues too, sure. But issues I did not want in a husband, so I knew he wasn’t my husband. 

But still, I was disappointed. 

And guess what? I applied for a reality show for dating, I thought, okay let me give it a try. It’s for next summer. I tried applying for it last summer but I was too late.

But God I might meet my husband before next summer right? Anyhow, let’s just try.

The reply was “oh we are looking for 30 and under”.

I thought, “holy crap, I’m too late, I am one year too late”. My mind started spinning, and all of those acting parts are looking for 30 and under. And my chin for some reason is growing. I accidentally opened up an old youtube video of me. 

I’m thinking “gosh I was so confident, what false confidence, I was totally lying”.

But oh I was so skinny and attractive. No lie, these are my thoughts and I know that these are the enemy’s words. But still I hear them, and then I get insecure.

When these situations in life happen you start shutting down, it’s like LEVEL 1 SHUT DOWN, 2, and so forth and before you know it you’re walking around Ross putting stuff in your cart, then throwing them out and not buying anything because it’s not REALLY something material you need but something emotional you’re looking for, and nothing IS RIGHT. And you just walked around for 1 hour looking for that emotional support.

So I finally went home and journaled.

I wrote down-

“God I feel like you don’t care about me”. 

I think when disappointments happen in life, you want “circumstances” to work out the way you want them to work out…..

  1. If only I’d find my life partner
  2. If only I get on this tv show
  3. If only I go to this new place

But those are lies….

Because God is enough for me.

“You know I love you…

You know I care about you.

You know you are the apple of my eye.

Let me romance you. 

I’m here for you. You’re not alone”.

I wrote “I saw a cute guy today, he smiled at me and it turns out he had a GF. When will it be my turn God”.

If I sound desperate maybe it’s because I waited a long ass time for a life partner. I’m even waiting to have sex.

Sometimes we look at life the wrong way. We think that life is about achieving an ultimate goal or getting something, even finding a life partner…but it’s about how we see ourselves. It is knowing how much God loves us as we are, right now (not tomorrow). 

THIS IS HOW I FEEL GOD. I’m disappointed ☹️ . But I’m going to trust that YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING. I’m GOING to trust that you have the BEST IN MIND for me.

I had a dream I was carrying a backpack full of art supplies and these young people came to draw and use the tools I gave them.

Here it is….

“YOU ARE ENOUGH”. 

“YOU ARE ENOUGH”. 

“YOU ARE ENOUGH”. 

“YOU ARE ENOUGH”. 

“YOU ARE ENOUGH”. 

“YOU ARE ENOUGH”. 

“YOU ARE NOT LACKING”.

“I closed the door because I want you to MOVE FORWARD- DON’T LOOK BACK” 

You are not excited for that because my grace is no longer on it. 

If I’m honest I was reading way too many websites of entrepreneurs that seemed WAY ahead of me, I was watching youtubes of prophets who had thousands of followers while I have like 25, but God bless those 25. It’s The Bex Show if you want to google it, I don’t have the strength to find it right now.

Wherever YOU ARE, you are enough. 

Don’t compare where you are with other people, that’ll only lead to depression (seriously).

Breathe in and out.

Cry if you have to.

You may not be in the same season as someone, but here’s what I know…..You are exactly where you need to be. 

“Never doubt God’s mighty power to work in you and accomplish all this. He will achieve infinitely more than your greatest request, your most unbelievable dream, and exceed your wildest imagination! He will outdo them all, for His miraculous power constantly energizes you.” (Eph. 3:20, TPT)

If HE HAS CLOSED A DOOR IT MEANS A BETTER ONE IS GOING TO OPEN! 

Prophetic Word: November 14, 2019-

“MY CHILD It’s NOT OVER YET! The enemy has been fighting hard so you would be discouraged, the enemy wants you to focus on your circumstance but LOOK AT ME, focus your eyes on me. Don’t let your head spin, I am here protecting you, I have plans to flourish you, I have not forgotten you. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Hey don’t look back anymore. Don’t even doubt that relationship. Go forward into my arms. Yes I know it’s hard to let go but I am enough for you. It’s time to move out. Do you know that I am enough for you? Will you trust me? My love is overpowering, overwhelming and more than enough.” 

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May this song bring comfort to your heart.

I Love You

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“There’s a scared place in our hearts only God can fill. When we come into divine romance with God, we realize nothing and no one else can fill that space.”

Two nights ago I had a dream that I was in Taiwan on a chinese tour and I was flying from Taipei to LA but I wanted to stay longer so I can see a friend. After that I started to ask God if I was supposed to go to Taiwan and last night I kept hearing go. But then I also heard familiar spirit so I prayed to cast out any voices that may not be God.

I started feeling anxious as I tried to figure it out. I went into a clay sauna at the korean spa and lay down, suddenly I saw a vision of myself running away from love, wanting to hide. This was not about a place, but the place in my heart. 

“It’s too much”. Sometimes it’s easier to be rejected, abused than to allow love in. Why? 

I’m not sure, maybe some people are scared of disappointing people or scared of that love, that maybe it’s too painful to feel love. How is it possible? Maybe because if you haven’t felt that in your life, it overwhelms you and you start thinking “why now?”

I told my friend that sometimes we’d rather be with people who abuse us than to get close to the people who will actually tell us the truth or we can be ourselves around. 

So I lay there and suddenly God invaded my heart and told me over and over again “I love you, I love you, I love you”. 
 
Stop running away from love. 
This is too good to be true, we’d think. We’d rather not realize what we desire than to accept it, why? Because we are scared to be disappointed. So we run, we run towards abuse, we run towards the counterfeit. We run towards those who cannot give us love. Because we don’t think we deserve love.
But now, you deserve it. You deserve the friends that will ugly cry with you, the ones you don’t have to hide your emotions with. Now you deserve the ones who won’t tell you to go away when your face is long. Now you deserve those who will accept you the way you are, whenever. You deserve those who will accept your emotions.
The ones who you don’t always have to be cheerful around….the ones you can actually be imperfect around. The ones who will allow you to cry and be imperfect…the ones you don’t need to go and have alone time when you are too sad to be a friend with. 
Do you feel it? Singles, you’re about to meet that one that will love you as you are, but are you willing to let go of that which is not love?
Are you willing to let God love you first?

I love you 

I don’t want a sacrifice, I want your heart

I want your heart 

The one you keep trying to protect 

The one you keep hard, gate closed, locked and bolted

The years of silence built up, each minute, each month, each year of silence that he/she didn’t speak to you – another layer of callus, harder your heart became, like solid concrete

No, you said.

Not today

“God, You’re just like my dad” you thought

And then they came, more people who were just like your dad, people with hard hearts like yours, people unable to give love

People you had to chase and pursue, people you kept knocking at their doors, people who abused you, people who neglected and abandoned you, people who didn’t know how to love themselves or love others

The cycle

But I trusted you God

But people are broken and imperfect

They are not me

Will you trust me again? Me your father?

Not your biological dad but Papa the heavenly one

Redeemed

I saw you holding me up as a baby and you were so proud of me

You carried me on your back and ran and I didn’t have to do anything

I could just rest

I lost sight of our relationship while trying to do things for you, trying to help others, trying.

Suddenly I got confused and I lost myself in serving. That voice telling me to go, it was no longer yours but a voice of obligation.

I didn’t want to anymore, I was drained. I was beat up and bruised by peoples’ words. I tried to feed those who didn’t want to be fed. They turned and trampled the pearls of wisdom, tearing me to shreds.

Their words hurt.

So I shut my heart down because then I wouldn’t have to feel.

And my dad disconnected again.

So then again layers of self protection. I went about my days busy to avoid the emotions. Where am I going and what am I doing God.

Anything but feeling.

But finally I lay on my back staring at the ceiling.

Okay I’ll cry.

I forgot that all I need is you.

I don’t need to go anywhere or do anything. I don’t need to dream or fulfill my dreams. I don’t need to fly or drive. I don’t need another divine appointment.

I just need you. Your words and your presence. I don’t need to do anything, I don’t need to achieve anything.

I’m enough. You’re enough for me. 

Sow a Seed (make a donation)-
Thank you for your contribution. May the Lord bless you abundantly! My vision is to see people be who they truly are, with no shame or guilt, knowing that they are enough in God’s eyes.

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PS- Shout out to G. for your donation. May God bless you. This is a testimony, I was actually lying on the floor being transparent with God, crying my eyes out when I received a contribution. I haven’t received a contribution from someone on my blog for a long time so (assuming you are a reader) I was surprised. But it was like God showing me I am your father, and He used a male to show me that image of grace. Thank you.

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Healing The Father Wound

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Me in Hamburg, Germany

How long since I actually took a nap?

Since I lay down here, and just relaxed, and let go, and just be.

It’s been awhile. I felt strange, I got a headache.

I took a nap. I woke up feeling depressed and hungry. I was thinking about the mediocre Mac and cheese from Sprouts. I didn’t really have an appetite. I decided to call a friend after crying. I started weeping while telling her that I still felt a lot of sadness towards accepting that my dad will never be what I want him to be. My friend said it’s actually the same thing as grieving a death. But it’s worse because that person actually have a choice to reciprocate love.

My realization-

“God what I want is a relationship with my dad, and that’s one thing I want and I can’t have it. I pursue it, but nothing. I’m cut off. He’s unable to have an emotional connection”. He is an alcoholic. Instead of confronting, speaking up he turns to alcohol. He lives on the other side of the world in Taiwan.

My whole life I shut down my heart, I didn’t know how to address it. I would suddenly detach myself from people and want to be alone. I’d want alone time because it was safer to be alone than to be hurt by someone.

I’d have a huge desire for emotional intimacy. I’d meet someone I really like but then if I knew he wasn’t it, I’d disappear, they would also disappear. We’d knew how to cut each other out of our lives, but there was no acknowledgement, I didn’t know how to talk through it.

I attracted men who were emotionally and physically absent….men I could not be in relationships with, men who I met ten thousand miles away that I would need to say goodbye to when I had to get on another flight.

It was too hard to face the pain of a possible connection, then ending that connection.

I felt immense emotions, I loved the initial high. I loved the romance and sure I’d get sad when I had to leave to another city, but at least I was safe from intense pain. I was safe from connecting long term and disconnecting. 

I knew that none of them were my husband.

But that was my process. God had to heal me and it’s taken 31 years of my life. I was that little girl in a corner, playing by herself in kindergarten. I felt unwanted by my father. I felt abandoned and rejected.

This season God has been breaking open my heart and healing every wound…by bringing me to a place of vulnerability where I can open my heart up to people. These people are also going through the same thing. 

These are people who will love me for who I truly am.

And that means I am completely open and vulnerable with you too. Whoever you are. I am speaking to you.

It’s not easy to open your heart but it is the most fulfilling thing you’ll ever experience in your life. 

Nothing else matters, no house, no car, no material possession, no accomplishment…

You can win the Emmy’s and have no one to cry with.

I am so happy I have people to cry with, people who I can be completely honest with. I’m grateful I can tell them “when you did this, it hurt” and I’m grateful that I can admit that I’m scared, angry, lonely, sad to them.

I’m glad I can talk about Jesus and penises all in one conversation. I can be completely honest and not have to censor myself to one topic. It is merging our faith with our humanity that truly makes us human.

I’ve been trying to figure out the future, trying to do instead of be because I didn’t want to face the emotional pain in my heart.

It hurts that my dad has no capacity of being in relationship with me.

It hurts that I have to go back to Taiwan to even talk to him.

But thank you God for healing this pain in my heart. Thank you that I am moving forward, I’m facing the pain and understanding the patterns in my heart that prevents me from wanting to be vulnerable and honest with people.

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One of my best friends in Kindergarten

Now I’d like to be myself and know that people will not reject me. I have those people now. I won’t hide underneath the guise of people pleasing anymore because God has given me courage to speak my truth, even if others are offended by it. 

Sure, I was persecuted and I offended people when I was ministering on the road, but it’s given me the courage and strength to always speak my truth no matter what the reactions are. 

It is harder to speak your truth to people you are close to than strangers, because you face the risk of losing them.

But maybe those who can’t take the truth are not really your friends.

I kept thinking God what should I do…instead of facing my emotions. It’s easier to be busy than to be vulnerable with God (and people).

God that’s the only thing I want. I want to be naked emotionally and unashamed, like Adam and Eve before sin entered the world.

He has been preparing me for marriage and it’s HARD! REALLY HARD, this process is exposing me so much. But I’m ready, I’m so ready.

Marriage is not just about finding someone you love but being able to be emotionally vulnerable with our life partner. Are you speaking your truth to those around you now? Your friends and family? 

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Prophetic Word- New Garments of Praise

1. PROPHETIC WORD AND PRAYER – TRUST YOUR HEART.
DON’T SETTLE FOR LESS! It may mean you have no one to hold when you feel alone but GO TO GOD. Don’t have a backup plan for your life. Don’t have plan B or a side chick/some dude who is NOT YOUR LIFE PARTNER! BLOCK, DELETE!

JUST BECAUSE IT’S AN OPTION OR AVAILABLE TO USE DOES NOT MEAN YOU NEED TO USE IT!

“Even if you washed the car and gas-ed up the car” it’s still an OLD CAR. Maybe you have been trying to HELP your second best be his/her best but it’s STILL not YOUR best, it’s still the OLD.

Don’t SETTLE FOR LESS, it may mean you have to WAIT for the best!
Don’t SETTLE! It may mean you won’t have a car to drive, but go with your heart’s desires, not what’s AVAILABLE! OMG.

Just because a man/woman is available to you and single, does not MEAN YOU NEED TO SPEND TIME WITH THEM AND BE DRAINED OF YOUR ENERGY!

YOU KNOW YOUR HEART, you don’t need someone to validate you. Another prophet may even speak over you but you need to discern whether that is actually for you.

 

2. Prophetic word- it’s time to trade your garment of mourning for the garment of praise! Don’t pick up old clothes anymore.

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He might be glorified.

Isaiah 61:3

After I wrote the last post I had several dreams. I had one dream where I held a cute baby and then it turned to a man. However I found out the baby was being operated by a woman.

When I was holding the baby I saw people dancing but I felt comfortable sitting and holding the baby so I did not get up.

In another dream I was going to a thrift shop and I picked up a shirt I donated and asked if I could borrow it and return it.

It’s been a transitional season and I’ve gotten prophetic words from people but sometimes it can differ a little bit from what I’m feeling or hearing. It may bring confusion to my heart but when I really sit down and ask God I sense this.

It’s time to trade your season of mourning to praise.

 

To pick up and get off your feet.

 

To strike the ground and not sit in fear anymore.

 

To work the ground because the harvest is coming.

 

Do not lament anymore, it’s time to be excited for what’s to come.

 

God gave me those dreams after I wrote the previous one. He told me to go back to sleep as there were more dreams.

 

Don’t pick up old mentalities and ideas anymore.

Don’t pick up the past anymore.

 

Move forward.

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Sacred Marriage with Jesus

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I woke up from a dream where a man was painting sunrises from dark until light. I was sleeping and saw holes in the wall and thought isn’t it a bit cold to have a hole in the wall? The light woke me up. In the dream I saw this man was Christian. My aunt was in the dream, she was single and thought I should get a job but I decided to paint. There were jars of Pablo Picasso’s paintings, like the painting was on the jar. And if you poured water on it, a cow would appear.

In 2018 I started having dreams of being married and I was about to embark on a journey to follow Jesus. I didn’t have money saved up and I didn’t know how I was going to survive but I said yes to Jesus. He told me to sell everything and follow Him and I got rid of my apartment, car and most of my possessions. 

A lot of people think they are ready for marriage but until they’ve been married to Jesus they don’t know what it really means.

Until you’ve said yes to Jesus, in the face of being rejected and persecuted by all of your family members, criticized by your relatives for being crazy, and “abandoned” by your best friends. Are you willing to forsake all for one?

I had dreams that I told my mother I was getting married. I dreamed that I was wearing a wedding dress on the airplane. I had another dream where God showed me pictures of men swiping left and then the words “get ready”.

What ensued was nothing I could ever imagine. What ensued was a year of boldness, betrayal, hardship, sometimes almost starvation. I left Los Angeles with a couple hundred from my mother, spent most of it in Taiwan, was helped by my dad, but then had to go to Korea and that’s when the fire of God fell on me and I started prophesying non stop. I maxed out a credit card to start my ministry and eventually had to come out of hiding and actually tell people what I was doing. 

I knew the judgements would come, and at first they didn’t but they did.

I left all for the one.

“Until death do us part”

“through good and bad”

In the name of God, I, (groom/bride’s name), take you, (groom/bride’s name), to be my (husband/wife), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death. This is my solemn vow.

Jesus and I were there, together. I said yes to Him. For better, for worse. When I was on my mountaintop and when I was at my worse. When I was staying at a hostel with 10 other people, with music pounding and bouncing off the walls underneath or when I was staying at a resort.

I said yes.

I said yes to being persecuted and being called a false prophet. I said yes to being rejected by others, but being approved by God. 

Choose this day whom you will serve. Choose this day whom you will be married to. 

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To be married to what others think or to Jesus.

To be married to your friends or to Jesus.

To be married to peoples’ agenda or to Jesus.

To be married to your parents’ opinions or to Jesus.

To be married to some guy/girl or to Jesus.

What does that mean? That you are willing to forsake everything else and anything else for Jesus. 

There is a process to come to this stage. You first say yes to receiving Jesus into your heart, then you date Jesus, but you aren’t willing to surrender everything to Jesus.

Maybe He has called you to quit a job, to sell everything you have, to give up a man/woman. Maybe He has called you to follow Him into the scariest situations, to ask strangers for help, to land somewhere and not yet know where you will stay, but then you trust your husband to lead you. 

Until you’ve become married to Jesus, you trust Him completely, no husband/wife on earth will ever suffice. 

Marriage to Jesus is sacred, it’s total trust.

Though I had to process feelings of being betrayed by my husband, as I went through a lot of suffering, I know that He hasn’t abandoned me. He never will.

Solomon 5

I slept but my heart was awake.
    Listen! My beloved is knocking:
“Open to me, my sister, my darling,
    my dove, my flawless one.
My head is drenched with dew,
    my hair with the dampness of the night.”
I have taken off my robe—
    must I put it on again?
I have washed my feet—
    must I soil them again?
My beloved thrust his hand through the latch-opening;
    my heart began to pound for him.
I arose to open for my beloved,
    and my hands dripped with myrrh,
my fingers with flowing myrrh,
    on the handles of the bolt.
6 I opened for my beloved,
    but my beloved had left; he was gone.
    My heart sank at his departure.[a]
I looked for him but did not find him.
    I called him but he did not answer.
The watchmen found me
    as they made their rounds in the city.
They beat me, they bruised me;
    they took away my cloak,
    those watchmen of the walls!
Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you—
    if you find my beloved,
what will you tell him?
    Tell him I am faint with love.

This couple of days I’ve had to confess to God how I felt betrayed by Him. Metaphorically I felt beaten, bruised and exposed by people. I had to cry and cry. Recognize that my father would never love me the way I want to be loved, that the betrayal of silence had to be lifted. I had to tell God how I hated Him. I had to tell Him that I felt forgotten.

But when all that was done and then God had me tell a man that I still had feelings for him and it was reciprocated, I felt a light in my heart.

And even though he is not my husband, it was prophetic of what was to come. God was telling me that He’s never left me and He apologized for allowing me to go through the beating. He showed me that He never left me and that He never abandoned me. He was the only one that shadowed me and held me on my worse nights. He made the warfare easier, I cried to him when Satan tried to attack me.

I was willing to forsake all for the one. Are you?

To trust Him, your husband, your provider, your father?

You say, well I’m not willing to go through what you did.

But isn’t it worth it to feel that sacred love with the one who created you, to know you lack nothing and no one because you have a relationship so deep no one can tear you away or apart from Him? Until you’ve encountered sacred love and become united with Christ, sanctified for Him alone, you cannot truly know that you are not lacking. 

When you know you lack nothing and no one because you have Christ alone, any relationship in your life is a product of codependency and comes from a feeling that you are lacking. But when you know you are enough because of your sacred relationship with God, everything and everyone else is just an addition. 

That is marriage.

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wedding-ceremony-2328982

 

 

How To Overcome Addiction

All pornography, drug, alcohol, sex, food, cutting, workaholic, hoarding, overachieving, self-harm, masturbation, even “self-help” addictions come from a desire for emotional connection. Because when we are shamed or guilt tripped for being our imperfect selves, we try to find comfort in something else. Everyone is just looking for love.

And a lot of it comes from neglect and lack of love.

Why don’t you come out of hiding and be who you really are? And let the ones that will love you for who you are, love you completely. 

The first step to healing is exposing and speaking the pain. Admitting that you need help, and then asking for help.

This is the season God is bringing us out of emotional hiding.

God wants to heal your heart right now. He says you are enough in my eyes because of Jesus’ sacrifice. You are whole in my eyes because Jesus died on the cross for all of your sins.
You are set free by His grace.

Also a song from Holy Spirit- I’ve Set You Free To Love

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