Improv Spoken Word – Are You Dead or Alive Dad?

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Speed Dating Event Thursday 7pm ET

Sign up for the event tomorrow!

I’m excited to be the host tomorrow for a speed dating event for I hope to see you there!

Sign up for the event tomorrow!

Free Online Speed Dating

Hi everyone!

Are you struggling to meet friends or make a genuine connection with someone romantically?

I’ve tried Couple TV twice and really love it and wanted to share it with you. I’m promoting for them and will also be a host next week! I’m so psyched! I met people from Seattle, Carolina, Canada, I even met another actor who had a podcast. It has been a great way to build community and put myself out there.

Here’s the online free speed dating event sign up for today! Please stay the entire event and fill out the questionnaire at the end! Remember to use Chrome Browser only! Enjoy and have fun. Let me know if you have any questions. Sign up here!

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I’ll Be Selling On WhatNot

Hey everyone!

I’ll be doing my onboarding call this week and I’m so excited to let you know that I will be selling on Whatnot.

Here’s $200 if you register and sell on the website as well!

Here’s $10 for your first purchase on Whatnot!

I’m excited as tomorrow I’m going to be on a YouTube reality show and it’ll be tons of fun I’m sure. Hope you are doing well today, God bless you!

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My Non-Existent Relationship With My Father Vs. Romantic Relationships

When I see a father and daughter at the mall, a part of me feels abandoned, neglected, unwanted. I don’t remember that, I don’t remember ever having my father in my life. Maybe when I was really young. But that sense of belonging and desire to be protected, secure, to be loved, it’s always been a longing that I couldn’t name.

A part of my heart shut down and I became very numb and depressed. I couldn’t even open up to certain people because my emotions were shut down. My heart would come alive when felt heard and loved.

Sometimes you want love from a person who is also unable to give you that type of love.

I think a part of me always wanted to get married because I would finally feel safe and I wouldn’t have to vie for attention or ask for it. Yet, I started to realize that longing and desire in my heart to be loved first came from being neglected by my father.

No man can fulfill that role. And my heart continues to break, not in bad way, but in a way that says “I’m grieving my relationship with my dad”. I’m grieving his “death” even though he is alive. I’m grieving the non-existent relationship I had with him.

And these feelings come when we so want a man/woman to love us.

We experience a dose of love and our souls just want more, but sometimes it ends….because that person is going to work or has other duties. Their life can’t just be about you.

Sometimes I hear that people don’t want to spend only a little time with someone because they would go home depressed or feeling alone…I’ve experienced that. That dose of love is so good that I wouldn’t want to experience it at all.

So many of us are scared to experience love because we’re scared to lose it.

I was like this.

I’d rather not love than to be disappointed.

My heart has been experiencing a deep revealing.

I’m scared of love because I’m scared to be abandoned. I’m scared of being disappointed. This is a life long trauma that stemmed from not seeing my dad for 10 years from 8-18, and then later I would see my dad once every few years.

It was always the feeling of vying for attention and never getting it. The moments of attention were great but it would fade, and he would disappear for a few days. And then suddenly I’d go back to America and he would disappear without calls or texts for another two years. My experience of a man’s love was full of disappointment, it was an avoidant love.

And I kept experiencing that kind of love in my romantic relationships. Guys who needed space, guys who didn’t want to feel their emotions.

But I keep learning from myself and my relationship. Feel your emotions, state your emotions, you are where you need to be. You are learning what you need to learn now.

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Stand Up Comedy Tonight!

Please mention my name when you buy the tickets!

So I can get credit for it!

Thank you and hope to see you there!

Letting Love In

For a long time I felt really numb and God would tell me to let love in.

I would disassociate and try to figure out the best way to guard myself from pain. I would simply leave if I felt the discomfort or tension within my heart. I didn’t realize that discomfort was love trying to come into my heart.

I think a lot of people use logic and knowledge to prevent themselves from getting close to anyone. They talk about what they know instead of how they feel.

But God has told me to “tell people how I feel” and it’s made a huge difference in my life.

Instead of getting busy and doing stuff, I’ve learned that when I do that it’s because I’m scared to emotional intimacy. That is how I grew up, instead of letting love in, I was taught to do stuff, to be busy. My mom would start cleaning instead of saying how she felt.

I’ve seen others do similar, but in different ways. My ex would sit down and shut down because he didn’t know how to say that he was scared to get close to me. It was a protective mechanism. I would feel really frustrated and I felt distant from him because he wouldn’t express himself to me. He would come back feeling fine but I felt excluded from his emotional journey.

Yesterday I cried my eyes out because I had situations where I was being ignored or ghosted by a friend that I thought was a friend…he bailed from a project on set and I ended up not being able to complete the project because he left. I was triggered by two people avoiding confrontation and was reminded of my dad who didn’t talk to me for 10 years. The pain rose up and I felt intense pain. I felt my whole being hurting. What hurt was that my ex used my past against me when he was angry.

It’s scary how you can feel completely close to someone but then they use the most personal pain to thwart you and destroy you on the inside. Love is really scary. After I cried about my dad thought I felt liberated.

I suddenly felt like the pain wasn’t so hard to process.

It’s just pain and it feels horrible but when you’re done crying, you’re still alive.

You might be scared to face the pain but when you do, you’ll be glad you did. I feel so much happier because I allowed my heart to feel that betrayal and pain.

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I Thought I Could Change Him

I thought I could change him, or maybe he’d understand me eventually. He’d understand that calling me names isn’t okay. I gave him ultimatums but it kept happening.

I could become numb to it, but I didn’t grow up calling anyone names.

I grew up in a suburb where people rarely even cussed.

I thought the looks would lure me back in, I thought the hugs would be enough for my heart, the momentary bliss of being loved, I thought the comfort of the good times were enough but they weren’t.

Because the disrespect, the driving off without conversation, the name calling, it was enough to change my mind.

I wasn’t able to change him or convince him to change. My words weren’t enough.

I knew that God would tell me to tell him how I felt, but each time, I felt the apology was just a cover up, like a band-aid. The wound was still there.

What really got me out was when I started meeting people who were eager to see me, didn’t brush me off, treated me with respect, showed a desire to hang out with me. I felt like I was often begging for attention with him.

I felt like I was annoying to him, so why bother, why tell me that he loved me, that he saw marriage with me.

I tried over and over to communicate, to express my thoughts and emotions and needs, but there wasn’t enough conversation for me, it felt like I was trying to tell a bull to move.

I read a quote recently that said you’ll attract what you want or am ready for. I started to meet people who were willing to talk about things that were hard and to express their emotions.

I thought I couldn’t live without him because I experienced so many good times with him, but I’ll simply remember the bad times and remember that I’m better off. I even blamed myself.

I’m the one overwhelming him, I’m doing this or that. But I realize it’s no excuse for his behavior.

This instagram post doesn’t really relate but kind of does.

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Heart & Love Breakthrough

We all want love don’t we, but we often don’t think we are avoidant of love. I was avoidant of love. I used “figuring things out” as a way to avoid emotions. I would ask God “is He the one?” instead of truly getting to know someone or experiencing intimacy with them. That’s what church taught me. They taught me about soul ties, which was a lie and misconception that caused me to avoid getting close to anyone, especially a guy.

Instead of letting love in, I’d ask God what I should do. This was a communistic and legalistic way which avoided my heart from FEELING my emotions.

God would tell me “tell that person how you feel”, I started to get in touch with my emotions and it was scary at first because I often felt numb in my twenties. The negligence of my dad made me feel uncared for. I felt like my dad did not care about me nor did he love me. I felt shunned and I often felt numb.

Tonight I felt something so powerful I have never felt before. Someone told me how he felt and unfortunately I did not feel the same, but I told him how I felt. Instead of shutting him down I told him that I felt bad that I could not make him happy. I felt guilty that I couldn’t reciprocate the same feelings that he had for me. When he replied with grace I realized that love is unconditional and it embraces, it doesn’t reject. Love communicates emotions.

Instead of going numb, I spoke my truth about how I felt in the moment with someone who was rambling and that broke the fear. We often allow others to ramble while we are totally numb, but then both parties are numb and unfeeling, and also largely disconnected.

A lot of people use sexuality to feel but what if you’re able to express your emotions and feel your emotions without using sex to feel it. We live in an over sexualized society where people are unable to express their emotions effectively towards someone. Because words have power and what if by expressing how we feel we conquer the fear of intimacy and build intimacy and emotional connection…most of all UNDERSTANDING.

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