If you like someone express that to them without fear

It’s like you’re constantly wanting to go somewhere else- he said.

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I had a dream that I woke up and my mom and aunt were eating in the house. I ate a big piece of fish with quinoa in it. My friend got a Tesla and was moving to goldengate but it was in the middle of nowhere. I told my brother that even though he was very rich, he had to deal with properties getting looted. Even though I was eating in a small studio with my family, with the windows open, I felt content.

I woke up feeling a sense of calm and peace.

I guess this whole year has felt like a struggle since God continued to break open my heart. He kept telling me to tell people how I feel. I kept crying. Everyday almost. He would tell me to tell people how I felt, the walls would come down on a daily basis. Even though I wanted to shut down at times and no longer open my heart, I would choose to trust him. 

Some days God would tell me to go to San Diego. San Diego was the relief I needed for my heart. I would meet some divine appointments, look at the ocean and feel my heart quiet down. 

I was dating, going on dates, meeting one guy and liking him….but then be disappointed.

He’s not the one. Again, broken hearted. But somehow God used all that to heal me. It sounds strange. Why? 

Don’t be afraid to feel your emotions, He’d say. 

I was deathly afraid of heart break after my ex. 

I told God I would never fall into another relationship if it wasn’t my husband.

But He had me confront the fear of failure (a relationship failing), a fear of love (feeling the pain of love), a fear of rejection. 

He’d say “don’t be afraid to fail”.

“Follow your heart”- no matter if he is your husband or not. If you like someone express that to them without fear.

I didn’t understand it because my mentality was “what is the point of telling someone how I feel if I’m just going to be disappointed?”

“What is the point of trying if they won’t reciprocate?”

I would go on these dates, and most of these guys were lost sheep so it was also semi ministry…but some of them, like yesterday’s ended with the guy trying to touch my boob and saying that he wanted to worship my vagina. LOL. 

But then somehow the fear in my heart left me, the hardness that I built around my heart because I felt rejected broke off. I just started laughing. He said he wanted to bow to my vagina and lick my pussy. 

He started fake crying because I just wanted to be friends and did not want that interaction. He was very passionate and intense with his words. He also said he wanted to “embrace me in my troubles”, which made me cry.

But alas, also not the one. What he taught me was “go after what you want”, whatever it is, without shame.

I met 2 girls in line after that Hinge date. One said she met her fiance on Hinge and another met a guy there too. I told them about my interaction and they laughed. I was grateful and asked if they were Christian and one said she grew up Christian.

What healed me yesterday was this….

As I was crying and talking to the guy, I felt this heaviness on me. I stood up. We went for a walk.

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I said that I no longer needed him, a relationship to be fulfilled. I said that when he didn’t want a relationship, I felt unwanted. I felt that no one loved me. In fact, I heard Satan whisper that into my ears. 

I knew it was a lie. I knew people did love me, but when it came to someone I loved, it was hard not to think that.

I felt unwanted. That was the single factor in my life that prevented me from truly loving a man. My dad left our family when I was 8 and I didn’t see him for 10 years. 

It left a scar in my heart, a deep wound. I became boy crazy.  I was always a daddy’s girl. I loved hugging my dad, but now he was no longer there. I could no longer show physical affection to someone I loved. 

I didn’t really date until I was 21. Had my first bf when I was 15. I decided to wait until marriage to have sex. But 21 was my entry way to sexuality. This guy I dated gave me oral sex. I never felt something that intense, it felt good. I felt loved because my love language is physical touch. But somehow, I also felt used. 23-26 I dated a guy for 2.5 years. I felt like a slave in someway. I wasn’t my own. I lost myself. I still waited to have intercourse.

He said that he liked that I was waiting because somehow I was “his” only.

Someone wanting me felt good, I felt wanted in the moment but after I felt used.

I was grateful that God’s grace compelled me to say no to actual intercourse.

I knew that God wanted to protect my heart. That is why I was waiting until marriage to have sex, not out of legalism or law, but because my heart was deeply connected with God. I have trusted God my whole life and I saw how He healed me of my daddy wounds, led me to 14 countries with little to no money while I prophesied to people who helped me.

Going back to my walk with the guy, I said that I needed to feel wanted and when he rejected me, I felt death. I literally felt like I wanted to die. I felt no love in my heart and felt totally numb. But when he came back to show me brotherly love, I realized that we would always be friends and that was okay with me.

I didn’t need to feel wanted physically. I didn’t need a relationship. That spirit of rejection left me immediately. 

I now realize why getting physical with a guy is so detrimental.

I really just want companionship. I want to feel loved. But the truth is I want to be understood more than anything else. I want quality time with people. I want those moments with a men that is innocent. We went to a boba shop and saw a cute little girl with his dad. They ate ice cream together, it was simple and loving.

In my past experience I often felt like men just wanted my body. I would refuse and of course they would feel rejected.

One guy said that he has never hung out with a girl he was attracted to without sleeping with her at the end. He grew up Mormon but no longer prescribed by the religion. I was really just there as a friend and confidante.

When we no longer need something from someone, and can simply enjoy who they are, it’s settling.

I also met someone who was waiting. He said that he didn’t understand how people could sleep around without having feelings for people.

I told him that he should be proud of himself and not to give into peer pressure.

I realize that I can freely care about someone without this fear that they would think I’m too much. I can freely express love without fear that they would be bothered by me. When the guy said that he didn’t want a relationship, I was afraid to make mistakes. I was afraid to care about him. 

I was afraid to reach out but I realize there is no reason to be afraid.

I freely continued to express love to him.

I no longer needed reciprocation because I was free of needing anything in return. He reciprocated love like a brother, not as a romantic partner. I was no longer afraid of his rejection. I allowed my heart to feel what it felt and freely expressed it without holding back.

He kept telling me that we were just friends, I said I understood, but needed to continue expressing how I felt in freedom.

And somehow it freed me.

I no longer needed romantic love. It was like going back to my youth.

My brother stopped talking to me years ago and it broke my heart. He was my best friend growing up, we talked all the time. I would tell him everything.

Now God was restoring my heart from that loss and bringing men into my life that could care for me like a father or brother. And that needed to be the basis. 

Our hearts want what it wants. But I no longer need you to be fulfilled. I know that you love me as a friend and I’m okay with that. I don’t need to own you to love you. I can love freely now. 

I can love without fear. And strangely that attachment broke off. I no longer NEED a certain type of reciprocation, I can be loved as I am.

Give to this ministry- Thank you! God bless! 

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Back To Innocence

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He sent me a photo of him and his ex. I don’t know why. I must have been out of his mind. He said that it was a reminder that we were just friends and he did not want to project his feelings for his ex towards me since I reminded him so much of his ex. I wanted to curse him to die because I was so angry. How could he send me a picture of his ex, it disgusted me.

We did get a physical but of course no intercourse. But now we are completely platonic and it feels weird. We have decided to be friends. And of course I still have feelings for him. It is truly difficult. At first I felt a slew of emotions.

Today he decided to pick me up for boba and we talked a little bit but I could feel myself emoting.

First, I wanted to hug him and I felt this need to be wanted. He said we needed to have boundaries. 

Second, I shut down and I felt numb because I knew that I couldn’t want to be with him. He didn’t want me, now I felt unwanted.

Third, I got defensive and angry and I said “I’m over you!” and I stormed off to talk to other people, strangers.

Fourth, he dropped me off and I felt depressed. 

Fifth, I called my friend and started sobbing. She said that he was being selfish and needed to walk away, but of course I had already texted for him to come back, and then a never mind.

Sixth, he came back and we talked whilst I cried. 

I said that I felt unwanted, I felt rejected. I talked about my fear of feeling my emotions because of the fear of attachment. I was afraid to feel abandoned. Now I realize it is okay to feel all of my emotions. 

I said that even if someone doesn’t reciprocate my emotions, I can allow myself to feel those emotions for that person….Now I’m freely able to love without requirements of someone reciprocating. 

Isn’t it every girl’s dream for a guy to treat her like a princess without requiring her to have sex with him. Sure, I’m not saying I don’t want to have sex, it’s a natural urge, but it’s back to innocence.

I suppose I miss just hanging out with a guy friend at school and having innocent banter and jokes in high school. There’s an innocence there and I long for it.

I talk about waiting until marriage to have sex.

Very openly. I tell every uber driver this. Not because I am bragging but because I want to explain what my beliefs are. I’m not waiting out of guilt, I wait out of desire because I know God has the best in store for me. 

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The Abbey

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People ask me why God would tell me to go to a gay club.

Well, the Abbey actually means church, monastery.

The Lord told me to write about my experiences and share with you how the spirit has led me to thousands of people in my life. First of all, if you have never read my testimony, here it is My Spirit Led Testimony. 

You will encounter and read about a non-conventional testimony, I am a prophet who pastors lost sheep and have been led all over the world, with sometimes little to nothing to survive but was led by the spirit to pastor lost sheep. Lost sheep are people who don’t believe in Jesus or people who have walked away from God. The lost sheep of Israel are the ones who have not believed that Jesus is the messiah.

God has even led me to people through dating sites.

So is God non-conventional or what?

In December I lost my phone at the Abbey, 

I was devastated. I had lost my phone 2 times there already and actually got it back. That was the beginning of going to the Abbey for fun and ministry. What I mean by that is I have fun there but I also meet a lot of people there. I’ve met hundreds of people in that area that grew up Christian or walked away. I’ve prophesied to future pastors on the dance floor, had people cry into my arms.

It does take awhile for conservatives to understand what I do.

They think that a bar cannot go with Jesus. But little do they know that God works miracles in bars. Not everyone is called to this kind of ministry.

And the thing is I don’t do it intentionally. I go where the spirit leads, but I am not religious. Meaning I try to get to know people, I am friends with them, I am vulnerable with them.

Some people think that you should have all your issues figured out before ministering to others but that’s actually not true. God has shown me that I need to tell people how I am feeling, what I am struggling with. As I share with people, they share with me what they are going through.

That’s true ministry. Jesus shared in His pain, He didn’t shield the disciples from pain, He showed them He was stressed out, bleeding and sweating, praying in turmoil.

One night I was crying my eyes out because I was in severe pain, it had to do with heartbreak. I walked into this other bar without ordering anything and just cried into this guy’s lap. He said that he was going through the same thing and this other girl said she was also constantly getting used in relationships. Then the bartender asked me if I was okay and gave me his number. He checked in on me and made sure I was okay. He said he also went through a breakup and was heart broken. Then I met the manager who told me he was a lost sheep and grew up Christian. That all happened in 20 minutes.

I have been led to people sitting alone at the Abbey on numerous occasions. People who were really lonely and were lost sheep. I’ll walk into the place and feel the Spirit leading me to specific people. I’ll go up to them and ask if I could sit with them. I’ve gotten rejected before but I’d get the courage to talk to them again if it’s God’s will.

For example, one 60 year old man told me “you’re dismissed”. I felt so hurt by that. The next time I saw him again and confronted him. I said what he said hurt me and he apologized. He said his parents treated him that way and he thought it was normal. He told me that he grew up Catholic.

People don’t understand that when we tell people how we feel, it creates a safe space for conversation and relationship. I see him there all the time, he is often alone and I gave him a hug one time, screaming in glee and the staff reprimanded me because well, it’s covid season.

One Jewish man said his mom just passed away and his girlfriend broke up with him 3 days ago. Another guy said he was molested by his grandparents. One guy said he was feeling suicidal and needed a hug because his ex boyfriend physically abused him.

Sometimes I got yelled at for hopping tables. I’ve gotten kicked out for no reason. But I have guardian angels there. I have security guard friends, I have a Christian friend buser. I ask what their names are and become friends with them. They are familiar faces and most of them do have some kind of faith.

I have thousands of stories, and it’s not just at the Abbey. It’s on the streets, it’s at the beach. God uses everything and anything for me to reach His lost sheep and there are millions out there. They are often severely rejected by their parents and have no sense of home. They feel alone because they have no family. I can relate because sometimes I feel like I have no blood family. I didn’t feel safe with them and explaining my life/ministry to them has always resulted in rejection. 

I hope that one day everyone will understand, but that’s not the case. Heaven knows, God knows, and that’s enough.

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Follow Your Heart

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God keeps telling me to follow my heart but sometimes my heart leads me to pain. I don’t get it and sometimes I want to shut down and tell my heart…no, but I realize that by following my heart and breaking through to the other side, I am able to feel my emotions…even though the emotions are of love and pain.

For example, sometimes we love people who are not meant to be our future spouse. So maybe a part of us tells us NOT to love that person.

Sometimes people love people who are destructive and damaging.

Sometimes we love people who purposely neglect and abandoned us.

Sometimes we love people who abuse us.

It doesn’t make sense but we follow our hearts. And sometimes our hearts are broken and messed up and it needs to learn from a beating. It doesn’t make sense.

Recently I liked a guy who told me he didn’t want a relationship, he just wanted to be friends. He claimed that he no longer had feelings for me, which I didn’t really get. Deep down, I feel like he is lying to himself because he still wants to see me, he still wants to surprise me.

He wants to see me. 

That’s what matters to me. I don’t care if he’s just a friend.

God will tell me to go see someone. Human logic tells you “don’t have anything to do with this person, they don’t want a relationship”.

But God’s ways are not men’s ways. God wants to heal your whole heart. I’ve had deep conversations that have caused me to feel my heart in ways I never thought I could. Sometimes we think that we need to cut off all contact but God shows us through people that He cares about us.

When you think of someone, contact them.

When you appreciate someone, tell them.

When you miss someone, tell them. 

“What’s the point? What’s the outcome?” 

The point is that you are relaying to them who God is for them. When you show people that you care about them, that you are thinking about them, you are being a conduit of love to those who don’t experience God’s love.

When a guy told me after 5 years that he always thought of me, that I was special to him, it restored worth and value to me because I thought I was just another girl to him. But I was actually special, that meant a lot to me.

My dad never really told me that he missed me or loved me. It has been one year since I have seen him and the only thing he wrote me in one year is “wear a mask”. I reached out to him many times with no response. 

Does he care about me? Does he love me?

That’s why when the guy showed up in practical ways (like showing up at my house), it meant a lot to me. He cared about me enough to show up in person. When I get to see someone again and again, I can sense God’s love. 

That’s why I hate texts or messages. I like seeing people in person or talking on the phone with them. It’s easy to shut down when we are isolated, but God wants us to be loved by people.

You’re not alone.

Reach out to people, tell them how you feel. Your feelings matter. Do you know why you could be surrounded by people and still feel alone? Because you’re not relaying your emotions to them. You can actually be emotionally numb and be around tons of people. It’s isolating if you don’t tell them how you feel. 

Vulnerability is the only way to actually experience love. Vulnerability is love. 

I think that’s why when I went to house parties in my twenties, people would never really open up. It was really about having fun but not experiencing your emotions.

Now I realize experiencing your emotions help you experience love. When you’re able to say what’s on your mind and not hold back….and that person doesn’t judge you for it, you can experience love in a higher form. Understanding is the root of relationship. You have to understand through extensive communication. And even then, it takes time and energy to build communication. 

I am experiencing intimacy and emotional breakthrough like I’ve never experienced. The level of love I’m experiencing is truly marriage type of love. 

I always tell people now. Dating is not about the end goal but about emotional breakthrough and vulnerability. If you can learn how to be vulnerable with every person you go on a date with, you are truly ready for marriage. It’s not even about cutting someone off if they’re not your husband but maintaining friendships and being vulnerable with these friends. 

God is really unconventional.

Recently He brought men into my life that reminded of me of past crushes, when I was a teenager. I had a realization that I didn’t feel good enough for these crushes and God swept away any insecurities I had through talking to these men.

I felt like I wasn’t good enough because they had both parents and I only grew up with my mom. I didn’t feel like I was good enough because their family was more financially well off. I felt less than because I was young.

But today I can honestly say that I am good enough because of Jesus’ sacrifice, not because of what I have or my family background. I felt insecure about my looks at times, and I often felt less than because of how their family treated me. 

One guy’s parents seemed to think that I needed to be “controlled” and I was too wild. Some people at church told my mom that church is not a “fashion show” and I shouldn’t wear clothes to make myself stand out.

In a way I didn’t want to hang out or talk to conservative Christian parents. I thought they were judgemental and all they wanted to do was judge me. My mom was nagging but not really conservative. I just didn’t tell her much because I didn’t want her to tell me what to do. 

Recently I told this guy’s mom how I felt and she said that that issue is between the guy and I. I said “no, well you asked me how I was so I wanted to be honest”. She said that I was a beautiful young woman and I shouldn’t be that open with everyone as they may take it the wrong way.

Again I felt that she was trying to control me.

I will have to follow up and tell her how I felt about that. See, this is a continuing conversation of “emotional vulnerability”. Sometimes we want to hide and gossip, we don’t confront that person. But as I grow God is constantly teaching me to tell people how I feel. It can be difficult but when you realize love is vulnerability, you’ll have no fear in your heart.

Face each fear. Tell people the truth. That fear and shame will break off completely. 

What are you afraid to tell people? 

Is there something in your past that you need to confess? Did you feel hurt when your mom said something to you? Do you miss someone that you feel ashamed to miss? Tell the truth and you will be set free. Today ask yourself “what is my truth?”

If there is something you’re afraid to tell someone, that is an area of shame or guilt. That power will relinquish its’ hold when you tell people the truth.

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Performance Driven Relationships Vs. Vulnerability Driven Relationships

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This morning after I confessed the truth to my ex (about cheating on him 6 years ago), I had this realization that a lot of my friendships and relationships in the past were “performance driven” relationships.

My mother used to yell at me a lot. I had to practice piano for 1-2 hours a day as a child. She would leave the house and tell me to practice. I would read instead of play piano. When I heard her car in the driveway, I would start playing piano again. I wasn’t really doing anything bad but I essentially lied to her and would say I played piano the whole time.

Of course my ex said that I was selfish for telling him and that I am wasting his time. Because should it even matter anymore?

I felt God say to tell him the truth this whole week and I was scared to. I was scared of the consequences or hurting his feelings. I haven’t talked to him for 6 years.

But all of this exposed everything to me, about how I used to be in relationships.

He didn’t like my clothes, I had to change.

He told me to put on makeup.

It was a relationship driven by performance and people pleasing. 

Essentially – “I’ll be happy if you do this or don’t do this”.

Same with my mother. 

I tried to appease her but I didn’t like doing what she told me to, so I just lied or avoided telling her anything that would displease her. 

I went through a lot of trauma by myself because I did not want to worry her or be blamed for my decisions. Often times if I was heart broken, I would tell her and she would say “why did you get so close to him anyways?” or “why did you even go out with him?”

After her divorce, she never dated or married again. She gave up on men.

I felt alone in my friendships and relationships because I had to hide much of what I was going through due to fear of judgement or someone trying to tell me what to do. 

I have learned to be honest and vulnerable in my relationships even though it isn’t easy.

Even at the age of 32, I have told my mother that I am staying at my friend’s house and if it was a guy, she’d get angry.

That is why when I was 22 I moved out and never told her anything I did. I think people lie or cheat because they can’t truly be themselves in that relationship. Perhaps they’ve gotten to a point where they are hiding their opinions, perspectives, truths out of the fear that they will be judged for their truth. 

My ex often said that I was the cheerful, positive person. He thought of me as this perfect girl that was his only. He was controlling at times and distant at times. It was really unhealthy. I couldn’t tell him how I felt at all because he didn’t like talking about his emotions. At one point I had a male roommate who I could easily talk to and I asked myself why I felt so alone in my relationship but felt comfortable talking to my roommate. I was crying to him about my ex as he tucked me into my bed. 

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It didn’t make sense but I tried to find comfort and communication outside of my relationship because there was no communication or vulnerability in my relationship. 

Without vulnerability in your relationships, you feel like you have to perform and be something you’re not.

Honesty breaks every ice. No one is asking you to do something you don’t want to. Everything you do should be out of desire and the honesty of your heart.

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You Deserve The Best

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Last night the Lord told me to go to the Abbey and when I arrived I saw a guy sitting across. He had makeup on and a pair of glasses.

I gestured hello and asked if he wanted to sit with me. He was on the phone.

He came and sat with me and we talked about superficial stuff at first, things like “that bartender is so hot”. After a few hours he opened up to me.

I gave him a hug and he said that he was feeling suicidal all day and just wanted a hug. I asked why. I noticed that men started talking to me, or coming by to say hi. I saw his face. He would cringe and he would say things like “he is a jerk”.

He said that his ex boyfriend was abusive and hit him. He said that his ex changed his number so he could continue stalking him. “He would beat me”.

I told him that he deserved the best, he deserved to be loved and treated well. Even though he said he wasn’t Christian, I told him that God loved him very much.

I was saying that to myself as well. We laughed about things but I also felt this deep twinge of pain in my heart. When I got on the Uber, and of course the driver was Christian….I started crying and telling him that I deserved the best. He spoke very little English.

I kept saying “I deserve the best”. 

The last two guys I went on dates with basically were in love with their exes or someone else for the last 10 years.

Was there something wrong with me? No.

I just deserve the best. 

I’m not willing to be second best. 

Heart, LISTEN, never settle.

Heart, YOU DESERVE THE FUCKING BEST!

I’m so grateful that God led me to this guy. He bought me a rose. I know a lot of people ask me why God would tell me to go to the Abbey. The truth is whether someone is gay, straight, bi or trans, they are all STARVING FOR LOVE.

WE ALL WANT TO BE LOVED.

And God sends me there to show them love.

He speaks to our souls and hearts, and He is so loving to break us free of our unbelief.

DO you believe? You deserve the best. You deserve his full attention, you deserve to be first in his life!

Give to this ministry- Thank you! God bless! 

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Prophetic Word- Moving Out of Guilt, Into Love

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You’re moving out. You’re expanding. You’re breaking the barriers of your father and mother’s issues and marriage. You’re breaking the negative cycles and you will never be the same. The pain will remain in the past and you will shout for joy. You will receive the inheritance and the promises I have promised you because you didn’t give up when it hurt, when you had to face your past and your mistakes.

You’ve received the full grace, you’ve accepted that I made you righteous by the blood of Jesus. You are whole because of my work, not yours. You’ve been made clean.

Now that’s power. You have power within you, me in you.

Sell everything and follow me.

You’re not your mother or your father. You are not your issues, you are not your things and your possessions. You are not your past, you are whole, clean, pure.

I only see Jesus in you, nothing else. 

Sell everything and follow me. 

Put on the ring and truth of righteousness. You are no longer your sins and your past. 

Forgive those who hurt you, forgive the past, forgive those who have disappointed you.

“I forgive my friends, my ex friends, I forgive my dad and mom, I forgive my ancestors, I forgive. For you forgave them on the cross. I no longer have to play Jesus. I am not Jesus or God. I am not. I denounce false responsibility. I repent for playing God. I am only human. I am not responsible even for my own short comings and for my future. It is by and through grace that I receive your promises, not my strivings”.

I receive it freely, I receive it all freely God. I partake of the meal, I partake of the promises. I partake of the health and abundance that you have paid for already. I no longer have to pay for it. It is free. I am free from my past and I don’t have to punish myself for the past. I am free.

No more guilt, no more condemnation. I am free, I am free, I am free. 

Move out, move out and see that you no longer live inside the box of guilt. You are free. Free to pursue your hearts’ desires. 

I give you permission to run after your hearts’ desires.

They may point fingers, they may not understand, but you run. All the other voices will dissipate, as you embrace love for what it is.

“I just want to be loved for who I am”. Then you will receive just that, a flaming fierce bright love, that will captivate you, hold you and never let go. 

I deserve what is mine, I deserve love that is loyal, true, committed. I deserve passionate love, communicative love, burning and vulnerable love. And you shall receive in 100 fold. Freely, without strife, as Adam and Eve were, free of burdens and free of concerns, under the cool of God’s creations.

You shall receive it. Freely, open your arms now.

Give to this ministry and prophetic word- Thank you! God bless! 

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Good Love

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You encounter such bad love your whole life that you don’t know what good love is. 

And you finally open up, you want to be an open book but those around you want to shut down. You want to be loved and accepted for all of you, not just a part of you. So you share, but you feel judged.

But now, you’ve reached a new level.

It’s a healthy love.

They will embrace and love you even if your emotions are messy, even if you try to run, they run after you, they won’t let you hide, they’ll uncover the blanket hiding all your mess. They see the mess and they love you, they let you cry on their shoulder.

That’s what I’m experiencing now. 

You can come to a point that you communicate everything on your mind, and it feels amazing.

You don’t have to run from the people that want to love you, you run into their arms.

Even if that person is simply a friend, not your husband.

You don’t need to keep or own a person, you can love and express love without judgement or rejection. 

I realize why I felt the need to socialize and minister to people when I was with my friend. There was a block. There were friends that didn’t really allow themselves to emote, or to feel their emotions. I’d want to talk to other people to feel my emotions.

I’m seeing old cycles broken in my life.

Cycles where I used sexuality to feel my emotions, cycles where I ran to distractions and temporary pleasures to gratify the numbness.

I’m finally feeling all of my emotions, I’m accepting them.

I can talk about all my emotions and not be afraid to feel them. I dated an ex that never talked about his emotions, it was impossible to connect with him. Because of that, I ended up cheating on him.

I felt like I was not allowed to have “negative” emotions and whenever I talked about how I felt, he would shut me down and tell me not to talk about it. He had panic attacks, he had anxiety, he never cried. He only cried when we broke up.

I felt alone in that relationship.

I felt utterly alone and unloved because my emotions were not accepted or valued.

Now, I know what love is supposed to feel like.

I’m supposed to be able to run to the people I love for love, not run away from them to feel my emotions. All of my feelings and emotions should be valued and validated in a relationship, not just the positive ones.

I should be able to feel scared, sad or angry in a relationship. I should be able to be upset. I should be able to feel however I feel whenever I feel them and be heard and understood in that relationship. And even if that person does not understand, they can express that they aren’t able to understand it but they’ll try.

Communication is everything. Let’s communicate to each other, let’s dialogue instead of dictate.

Give to this ministry and prophetic word- Thank you! God bless! 

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Live Life In Freedom

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They tell me 

“well you shouldn’t have….” because this or that wouldn’t have happened.

You shouldn’t have crossed the road, because if you wouldn’t have crossed the road, you wouldn’t have fallen.

You shouldn’t have fallen in love, because you wouldn’t have gotten hurt.

You shouldn’t have….

But they live in a box full of guilt and condemnation. They devil taunting them, you shouldn’t have, you could have prevented yourself from getting hurt.

So they live in fear, inside their house as demons tell them “don’t go out, you’ll get hurt”.

Sure, I get hurt and things happen to me.

Things that probably don’t happen to most people. But you do realize I am a prophet and the devil will try to stop me from being free right?

From preaching “no condemnation in Christ Jesus?” The devil will use anything to say “well you shouldn’t have”.

Don’t be out, they say. 

Don’t do this, they say. 

Lots of red tape and yellow tape. They try to put tape on me. If only, they say.

There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. I followed my heart and I fell on the street. I got a few marks on my face, a bit on my legs and arms, but I am a warrior. I loved with all my heart. I fell down off the cliff but God lifted me up.

I could hide in a cave, but the enemy would love that. 

I could start numbering and measuring, instead of loving. I could start using logic and reading, trying to figure out how to best “prevent hurt from happening and my heart from breaking”, but I would never live.

I could become a recluse and never talk to another human being, then I would have no drama and no tears to cry, but I would be alone, utterly alone, devoid of love. 

I fall head first, and I use my heart, not my logic. I love with all my being and heart.

And they point fingers and say “well you shouldn’t have”. They don’t understand becauseI they think with their heads and not their heart. They’ve shut love out. Love is not logical, love is passionate, messy, full of mistakes.

Growing up I saw marriages made out of logic. You see, they tick all the boxes but there is no chemistry or passion. I saw white picket fence relationships. “We look good to others”, it was a front.

Regret is not from God. 

I accept all the decisions I’ve ever made and I accept that I was living in freedom. There was nothing I could have done to prevent what I needed to experience. 

But why do I need to get hurt? Is it necessary? 

Yes, you are whole in my eyes. The hurt is only momentary. You loved and lived, and you were better for it. You are so rich because you choose to love with everything you have. You are a zillionaire because you choose to live outside the box and cage of fear. 

God has already made you pure and whole by the blood of Jesus, you’re standing with God never changes, He never sees an inkling of sin or mistakes in you. 

So why do we live our lives fearing that we will make a mistake or get hurt?

We base our decisions on one fear, “I never want to get divorced….I learned from my parents” (fear of failure, also a fear not from God)

“I don’t ever want to get heart broken, it hurt too much last time, so I’m never going to date. I’m just going to sit in this car and never ask another girl out, I’ll just wait on God” (aka I don’t ever want to face rejection again- which is a fear).

Life is full of unknowns. It is also possible to have a fear of the unknown.

I don’t know where God will lead me, so I won’t walk in faith- some say.

I’ll control and do what I can see- and for most people that is making money or working. 

You can’t see emotions, so most people don’t want to fall in love.

When they get hurt, they resort to making money, because they can see money and dollar amounts. You can calculate money, but you can’t calculate love. 

“I’ve been used, I feel lack, now I am going to ignore my heart forever and live my life for what I can calculate and earn”- some say. 

But your heart is still whole, it’s broken, but it’s whole.

Okay, it hurts, sure, but everyday is a new day. God is saying “don’t live in fear, you’ve been made righteous by my blood, don’t condemn yourself, you don’t hurt because of your decisions, you hurt because that’s part of life. Do you know that my love makes you whole. Feel the sadness and the emotions, but don’t stop living life. I’m holding your heart”.

I’m healing your heart, says God.

Religion says “if I follow all the rules, I won’t get hurt”.

Grace says “I am free in Christ Jesus, I can walk in freedom and trust with God and even if I get hurt, His love carries me”.

Give to this ministry and prophetic word- Thank you! God bless! 

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When You Get Rid of False Responsibility You’ll Get Married

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The last year, from July 2019-now God has systematically helped me release false responsibility. I had a dream where I was wearing a dress with pockets and there were babies in the pocket. I heard “once you get rid of false responsibility you’ll get married”. I took babies out of the pockets.

Here’s what God did.

Growing up I often felt falsely responsible for my mom’s anger. I felt like it was my fault she was in a bad mood so I became a people pleaser. 

God started to help me see that it was not my fault but her issues with unforgiveness towards my dad and other family members. God used a gay social worker lyft driver to speak into my spirit. He said “it is not your job to carry the burden of your mom’s anger. Stop washing her dirty dishes and cleaning her room. If she is angry with your dad, it’s her job to tell him, not yours”.

God will tell me to go places and talk to uber/lyft drivers. He would send me to divine appointments on a daily basis. I would talk to these people about family and their issues. I would tell them my testimony and prophesy to them. There is no time or room for me to sulk or be afraid, I just have to go and speak. 

For awhile, I used to give rent money to my mom when I lived with her. I felt bad I could not give her money after I started freelancing. God told me “you are not responsible for her”. My relationship with my mom was strongly based on guilt.

Why is it urgent to go where God leads and speak, without fear?

Because God is promptly preparing you for marriage! 

I had a lot of false guilt thrown at me recently.

Things like –

  1. Someone needed help but I was not able to, so I said so and this person guilt tripped me by saying “so you’ll only help when it’s convenient for you?”
  2. Someone’s car got towed while we were hanging out – and even though I was not the one responsible for where he parked, I felt guilt. I had to cast it out in Jesus name.
  3. A friendship ended and I felt falsely responsible and I tried everything I can to save it, but I realized it needed to end because we were codependent.

God systematically REMOVED every hindrance to marriage.

I didn’t realize how MUCH people are actually not ready for marriage.

I didn’t realize how much God needed to teach me before I got married.

He sent me fathers who have cheated on their wives, He sent me people who struggle with porn, He sent me people who have trouble communicating, He sent me people who were shut down like my dad, He sent me people to teach me forgiveness and to heal my heart from the issues with my mom and dad.

All so that I can have an understanding and a soft heart, and not live in bitterness and anger.

I had to learn to express anger because I thought it was bad to express anger. I thought anger resulted in making others feel guilty (with my mom).

I had a guy that I liked hit on my friend in front of me, also triggering any trust issues that I may have had towards my friend. I expressed my anger towards him and learned to forgive him. 

I had to express how I felt with men who did not respond well.

I had to confront someone who touched my leg.

I learned that I was not responsible for peoples’ issues. I had to set boundaries with the landlord, who kept telling me to do things that were outside of my responsibilities.

I learned that I was not responsible for cheering my friend up and she was responsible for her own happiness. 

All of these seem simply but in the moment, it can be complicated.

Say I was out at a restaurant and my friend was in a bad mood, I realized I did not need to baby sit anyone. If I felt like I didn’t want to be around her, I could say so. If she wanted to go home, she could go. If I wanted to talk to strangers I could, because that’s what the holy spirit led me to do. 

Many of us live from a place of obligation. We think it is love but it is not love. 

Yesterday the Lord led me to several people. One Christian girl was heavily enmeshed in a 5 year relationship that involved abuse. I was walking on the street and noticed her backpack so decided to comment on it. We talked for awhile and expressed to her how I felt, prophesying to her as well, but I could feel her codependency. I had to discern that. I heard God say “go to the abbey, go now”. I could have stayed out of wanting a girl friend, but I had to listen to God.

Why?

Because I AM not responsible for her issues. I prophesied and prayed for her, but realized that I was not responsible to make HER feel good about herself. In addition, I felt that she was telling me what to do, telling me I should not go to bars and restaurants. But I had to speak up and say “no, God told me to”. I cannot submit to you, or fear. 

Sometimes we become close friends with people out of similar wounds, versus similar truth identity. The truth identity can be “I am a child of God”. But some friendships are built out of “self pity”.

“I feel sorry for myself so I am going to be friends with someone who feels sorry for herself too”.

There is no empowerment there. But there are friends who come in and out of our lives for a reason.

I am so grateful that even if I’m not ready to let go of someone, God removes them out of my life out of grace. I may feel hurt and rejected, but when I look back I realize that if I kept being friends with them, I’d continue to be codependent on their approval or validation. 

Now I am operating solely on His love. 

Not on other peoples’ love for me. 

Yesterday God told me to go to the abbey and there was a man sitting alone. I felt led to talk to him and turns out he grew up Catholic. I asked if I could sit with him. He was filipino and Chinese. I realized that maybe it’s a good idea to marry someone who is part Asian.

I’ve gotten rejected before, not everyone’s heart is open. But I’m getting to the point where I don’t care if their hearts are closed. Love is not afraid of rejection.

The other dilemma has also been false guilt. When I go to these restaurants, I may wonder if the staff thinks weirdly of me because I come alone and I often become friends with people. No one else does that. Not many people. But since God has given me extreme courage, He leads me to the lost sheep. 

There are times I want to indulge in hating men when negative circumstances occur, I’ll talk to other female divine appointments…..for instance, I had a lyft driver who told me she did not want to talk to people or make friends right now because she went through a breakup in Februrary and 5 of her best friends have slept with her exes, so she does not trust people. Period. She grew up Catholic.

I felt led to ask her to join me for dinner and she said no. I asked her if she wanted to exchange numbers, she said no.

I tried right?

Here’s the deal.

When you are ready for marriage, when you are ready for what God wants for your life. You no longer submit to fear. You don’t entertain bullshit. You say yes to God, you say yes to what you want and you go for it even when others may judge or reject you for it. When God says “go talk to this person”, you do it because your heart is being unveiled. I go to this car rental place and many times God sends me to talk to customers. It may look strange how friendly I am with strangers. It may look wrong even, but I can’t live in fear of what others think. 

I don’t have one “best friend” that I call all the time. I realize it was unhealthy. Now I have many friends that I talk to. If I overindulge in false therapy with girl friends, God tells me to go, He’ll say “don’t hide” and I’ll meet a divine appointment that is a male.

He says “you’re about to get married, don’t be afraid of men”. Come out of hiding. Tell the truth, don’t be afraid of confrontation. If you don’t like someone, tell them. IF you like them, tell them. If you love them, tell them. If you’re angry, tell them. If you’re sad, tell them.108826858_10163969984480603_4279442601632246099_o

Here’s a divine appointment I met on a lyft drive- he is a songwriter for Sony and also christian.

And I had the idea to wear the rapper sunglasses and take this photo.

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