We All feel, But We Don’t Say It

What is love, but an empty vessel that keeps pouring?

Remember those times we used to talk, like mother and daughter

Your eyes so empty

So empty was my heart, devoid of fatherly love

Revenge is a sinful sword filled and dipped with blood

What is love, but an empty vessel that keeps pouring?

Remember those times we talked, like cousin and cousin

You eyes filled with tears

You talked about your father that walked away, like my own

What are fathers, how do we interpret “father that gives good gifts” when there was none

No father, not even a word, just absence

What is love, but pain and hidden betrayal?

Secrets,

Love, avoidance, pain

Suffering, hurt, hurt, and again hurt.

Are we worth anything?

That you can so simply leave those that you love so much

Are we worthy of your stay?

You run away, escape your responsibility, drunken and staggering, breathing and smelling like beer

You run away, staggering, your body limp on the ground, your heart

I’ve stomped over and over in my mind

Wishing you would be run over by a truck

I hated you, hated your absence

Hated you to the point I became numb

Numb of all care, love, grace, forgiveness from everyone and myself

Myself, I neglected too

Because I didn’t know I should be cared for

I guess I didn’t think I was worthy of love

She said that when I was in my mother’s womb, fights occurred, maybe pots broke

I wonder what anxiety I went through, what fear I encountered

Still unborn

Just developing

What kind of environment did I grow up in?

Even in my mother’s womb.

Self-pity

I reject it.

Humanity is so broken, I can’t even describe it.

It’s like a broken vase that needs mending

The scraps, the pieces are shitty- that’s all I gotta say.

This comes from the inner most being, from a depth that I cannot interpret.

My soul is broken

And He gave me life

Restored all that was broken

He continues to mend, like a Fatherly God would.

Maybe that’s why I can trust in Him- because even though he is physically absent, He is with me.

That’s why I can grasp this invisible God a little more than others can.

Because my own father left and I cannot sense his presence at all, he never helps me when I’m sad.

But God does.

Even though I don’t get this whole father shit

I get the being there shit

And God has been there.

Healing the shit in my heart.

That people keep stomping over and ignoring.

Just another human broken,

Needing mending.

Jeremiah 1:4-5
The word of the LORD came to me, saying, Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart