South America: Finding Home in Brazil

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Yes, that is my name on a towel. This is my first time couchsurfing and I was a little hesitant, but the family has been incredibly nice. They have one dog and two cats, the dog is named “Maggie” and has two poofy hairdo´s on the side of its head.

I now have complete access to internet, it`s incredible. After a horrible experience dying from food poisoning in Ecuador, I had to fly back to Quito and then to Brazil. Yesterday was a full day of flying, and my stomach was aching so bad. But thank God, today I feel great and I´ve learned a few Portugeuse words…unfortunately, with a Brazilian computer, I can´t spell check my English.

Small note of gratefulness: I had thrown away my crappy towel in Ecuador because I didn´t want to carry too much. On the way to the house, I asked my friend if they had an extra towel. When I got to there, they told me to look in the bathroom….voila- a new towel with my name on it. This may be a small surprise, but to me I knew that god had provided one with my very name on it. He sure takes care of His kids.

Everytime I look at the picture I am reminded that I have a home here in Brazil. I´ve been looking into a lot of travel writing sites, am trying to stop myself from compulsive workaholic behavior and not submit while I´m here. I know that I have something lined up in the states, there´s no human explanation, but my friend said that I´ll be working one on one with people, some kind of consulting work.

After going to the jungle, meeting Marco and working with the kids, I had 3 days. Even though, I didn´t have the money, I knew I had to go to the Galapagos Island because when would I return to Ecuador again? I put it on credit (yes, I know, not too smart, but somtimes  you have to sacrifice, plus it´s not like I have college loans) and flew there. I got sick the second day, wabam, diarrhea and vomit galore. I was praying my ass off (to put it nicely) and tons of people were back home to support me. But I felt completely alone and vulnerable.

As a 3rd world country, Ecuador sure had awesome hospitals. As a foreigner, I got to see the nurse for free and only had to pay 21 bucks for medication. They stabbed my arm with a vaccination shot and gave me some acid eating medicine. Wow, if I was in America, I would be screwed over with tons of bills.

Some pictures while I was still alive:

Galapagos

Turtoise

No I´m not in Taiwan, but there´s a street like the night market. There I met a Taiwanese, no kidding, straight from Taiwan. It felt good to talk in Mandarin because I had been speaking really bad Spanglish for 10 days.

I will expand on more when I return to the states. More posts to come!! And do keep the comments coming!! I love them! God bless!

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Jungle and Meeting Marco

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Hi friends!

I´m trying to type really fast so I dont have to pay so much at the cabinas, though it´s relatively cheap. First of all, I´m alive! I have mosquito bites but I am happy and well. The other day I got to meet Marco and his family, as well as visit a church project. There were so many kids, they were all super adorable. I wanted to cry when Marco gave me a hug, he loved the scrapbook and gifts I brought him. Especially, the ninjas I bought from my friend who makes them. He carried the plush toys when we went to the zoo together. He is currently 10 years old and his family is struggling financially.

We went to visit his house and he had a monito, monkey as a pet. On my lap is the monito.

My friend, that is a real monkey. It tried to bite me, but after awhile it fell asleep on my lap. Sorry about the botellia in the picture, haha.

Then, I went to the jungle…let´s say, it was one strange thing after another.The lights went out in the lodge, I had some dark dreams, and it was super hot and humid. But within 3 days I had made more than 5 friends that I can say, I´ll now be friends forever with. Ecuadorians are so helpful, they will take time out of their day to help you. They are not driven by money only, they value famillia more than anything.

Yesterday, after riding with a tour guide, a worker and their boss (it just so happened they were at the lodge visiting and they were nice enough to give me a ride back with them), I had to pee SO BAD. Necessito el bano so bad. Well, my friend told me I had to get on a certain bus, when the black market taxi stopped, it just so happened the bus was right across the street. So with my backpack, I jumped out the taxi, ran across the trafficked street and jumped onto a moving bus, yes it started moving.

Somehow God is protecting me and giving me rides everywhere. I can´t tell you how amazing I´ve felt meeting the people here, they really humble me and help me to see the valuable things in life. I´m so glad I came, I wish everyone could experience this.

Fanta and Rice Breakfasts, Hot Summer Humid Nights in Ecuador

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Hi Friend!

I´ve finally got the time to blog about my first 2 days in Ecuador. The manager of the internet place just asked me if I´m married, it´s not very unlikely that random strangers will make conversation with you by asking about your boyfriend or spouse. He said, “your boyfriend is in Ecuador?”. To which I said “America”.

I´m in a random hole in the wall internet cafe, except there´s no cafe. It´s called a “cabina”. I rode in a 5 hour bus to Tena from Quito today. What I´ve fortunately realized is that Ecuador is probably the most beautiful place on earth, and also the people are one of the kindest people on earth as well. Unlike the pre- warnings that “omg”, you are going to get robbed and beware of men there, men in fact, especially the older ones have been like papas to me. Today on the bus, I met a bus driver who helped me find a hostel and find my way around Tena. Then previously, a medicine salesman helped me get to the terminal and take the right bus to Tena. He was very kind, though I don´t understand why he said he wanted to see the movies with me when I already told him I had a boyfriend.

Having said, Ï paid 10 bucks to stay at a hostel. The hostel has a little gap above the door so you can hear what drama the owners are watching. The amazonias get really cold at night, though during the day, it´s like living 24-7 in a hot steam bath. I feel yucky. It feels like living in Taiwan. The night, the markets do resemble Taiwan markets from 15 years ago. Though Taiwan is now much cleaner and more modernized.

I was thinking about how I´m the only asian woman walking on the street. Sometimes you start to feel like an exotic animal that everyone stares at. Now I know how white people feel in Asia, except in this case, it´s an Asian in Ecuador. Staring is very normal it seems.

And private space doesn´t exist. Personal space? What? When people point to tell you something, they definitely cross your American space by bypassing the normal boundaries. Of course, I´m crossed and pissed. Though I´ve realized, hey, they are not the only ones. Sometimes they don´t stop talking until you tell them, ¨”I´m going to take a nap”.

This morning, I was freaking out about how I would get to Tena, I prayed. Then, when I was buying a 30 cent comb the medicine salesman happened to just be going there. Thank god! I would say, Ecuadorians are WAY more hospitable than people in LA. I mean no one in LA would take the time to help you. Plus, if you think about it, no one goes walking in Skidrow at night anyways. All the things you do at home, is what you would do in a foreign country.

Speaking of foreign, I hope that I never act foreign, besides the language barrier. I hope I´m never someone that treats local with disrespect and no offense, ¨”act really white”. I was analyzing and observing today, and thinking about what it means to be foreign. And of course, how everything my American friends warned me of, happens to be 99 percent not true. Of course, we have to be careful wherever we go, but my time in Ecuador, for the two days, have proven to be positive…..besides feeling like an exotic animal and the sometimes ¨freaking annoying remarks “cheennnnaaa” as in Chinese. Because the very idea that a Chinese would come from Los Angeles seems so foreign, I have to try really hard to be patient.

More to come….

Love, bekka

Believing In the Moments That You Knew Love Existed

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Small doodle!

I’m holding your hand, your shirt brushing against my arms. The smell of fresh laundry.

Love is, patient. Really, really, really patient. It is waiting when your body and heart feels dry, unloved, unarmed, like your body wants to run but it cannot, it does not know what the expression of the heart looks like. It does not know how to sing when the soul is dying or when to dance when I can only hear you whispering.

Whispering you are. You whisper with your glance, your gaze, your silence, your space and time. My seasons of growth, despair, joy and change have led me to pathways of seeing you for who you are. You, my friend, you my lover, you my family.

It is funny how we forget how human we are, how two people can be in love and know the secrets of God. Love, where no success or money can replace. Love, which is long-suffering, grueling, tiring at times, full of despair and desperation. Sometimes, love is full of moments, risk. Lots of risk is love, any moment your heart is pricked, any moment you feel you might fall into a deep cave of pain.

Though, I’ve found that life is short. We are not put on this earth to know the full extent of love, for we can only comprehend a tiny fraction of what it is. It is better to love and lost then to never have loved. Our human heart longs to defend, protect. Fear is the enemy of love. Fearing that you will lose someone you love is not love based on courage. Courage we must have in order to risk all we have for the ones that we love. A lonely life of protection will one day become a life of regrets.

For when we have loved, we have no regrets, because we know that we were capable of this divine thing called love. We experienced a spiritual awakening, we allowed our souls to dance and whisper secrets of the divine.

Perhaps you think that love is everlasting. Truly, love is everlasting. Love is not always felt, it can be a strong wave from the ocean and other times like a calm and peaceful stream. Love is like the tornado washing the debris of the past, fallen expectations and false understanding of who we are. It is a full force that shakes your heart, literally so that your whole being is being affected.

I feel deeply all emotions. I let pain go to the darkest places in my heart, I let joy seep through each molecules of my brain, I let love pull me in the direction I should go. Sometimes after the silent storm is over, the tears fall while I sit in my room, watering the crops of emotions and love. How can love even be described with words? Words will not suffice, for though you may have been hurt, over and over again, believe in the moments that you knew love existed. Believe in the moments where magic was in the air, where poetry was not enough to describe the existential trust and feelings you felt, where after your overthinking turned into nothing because trust was rebuilt.

I don’t claim to know the deep secrets of love, but I know how to express it. I know how to express through words, right now in time, how I feel and what I have experienced. It’s none of the easy bullshit the media shows us, love doesn’t form in 1.5 hours of movie time or simple romantic phrases and hymns, love is the decades our earth has been through, it is the art, the poems, the songs inspired by heartbreaks, joys of love, letting go, and realizing that wow, life is short, and all we can do is love even when we know it might hurt.

My love, love will hurt because it wouldn’t be love if there wasn’t risk involved. Love is a risky game. Love is what life is about, if you don’t master anything in life, master your heart to love unconditionally, even when it hurts. You’ll find that there is a greater being holding your heart.

No matter what your issues are, the issues stem from love, a lack of love and worth. Choose to believe in the moments that you were affirmed, you were loved. Don’t let the bad experiences taint your future. Believe in the moments that you knew love existed.

My First Photo Journal – Mi Nombre Es Rebekka

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My First Photo Journal entry! ….the end says “but I have FAITH!” You can contribute to my volunteer trip here.

I just had this ingenious idea right now and decided to share my journal with you. I’ll be posting doodles as I go to Ecuador and Brazil. I won’t be bringing my laptop due to safety and well, my mac is my life, so I’ll be handwriting all my experiences. These doodles will eventually become a little book that I’ll sell and all individual doodles will be for sale on Etsy!

Today, I went to Healthy Traveler in Pasadena to get my yellow fever vaccination. I had a moment of squeaking before I had to sit down and get the shot. I was anticipating a long drawn out shot, but it literally was a stab in the arm and VOILA it was done! Cha-Ching $154 please. Throw-up. Yep, the cost of traveling to a 3rd world country is much higher.

Furthermore, I found out I actually leave ON Mother’s day, the night of (1:30 ish am). Here’s a poem for ya’lls.

Push and pull, our story goes. I’m holding back, a flood of emotions, allowing the gift that is me, space and time. The essence of doing nothing, waiting feels like a suffocation. Though, each moment, I’m breathing, being in the present. He once said, breathe and pull yourself to the present since all you have is now.

In the gift of space and time, trusting that love is true even when words are not spoken. This is my dilemma. Why is it so hard to just be? To give up trying and receive. To give up pushing so you can push forward. To let go and breathe, letting love be free, flowing, not suffocated or silenced. Now I know that love was never easy, love was never just admiration and immature play…love is, more complex, more present, more simple. It is a dichotomy that can only be learned through experience.

How To Achieve Your Dreams Without Any Initial Money- Advice From A Broke Entrepreneur

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Growth- get the Art Print here! 

I woke up this morning, light pouring into the room. Yesterday I completely transformed my room. The bed is now in the middle and my desk near my graffiti wall. I’m sitting at my newly transformed bedroom/office.

Last night, I got to dance with my friend at a goth club on Wilshire. The whole time I was trying not to laugh because my friend and I are used to house/electro music, not every other beat goth music. I thought about how I just spoke at the Latina Blog Conference and how I am going to Ecuador and Brazil in two weeks. I thought about how my writing has been published and how I’m starting to get PAID to write (FINALLY). I thought about the close knit circle of friends, the support I have, the abundance of vitality that is my life and the beauty that exists within my life….

And all this, when I was broke as hell. 

A lot of entrepreneurs don’t talk about this because well, it can be embarrassing. Yet, I’m so proud of the hardships I went through. For 3-4 months, I was totally unemployed. I had no financial support and was penny-less, I ate rice and vegetables only and sold whatever I could to survive. I went to peoples’ houses and brought home left overs, you get the picture.

Out of my lack of financial stability, opportunities to be creative flooded my mind. I wonder why Darwin never talked about creativity, because creativity is essential for survival.

Many of us say “someday when I’m rich, I’ll do this or be that”.

Mine was: “someday when I’m rich, I’ll help people and empower them by giving them jobs”, “someday when I’m well off and meeting important people, I’ll dress nice and be the powerful woman that I am”…etc.

I then realized, the day is TODAY, now.

I’m not 80, I’m not retired, I don’t have health insurance, life insurance, retirement fund, and or a savings account. I guess you can call me impractical. I’m 24 and what I said when I was 18, has come true. Whatever beliefs I carried in my heart has birthed. Whatever lies I let go of has lost its’ grip on my life. When I was 12, I was such a dork, I wore uncool clothes and wrote about deep philosophies. I never thought I could become famous for my creativity and talents. I never thought I could be in a relationship because I was way too unlovable and unattractive.

Today, I don’t believe those lies anymore. I am super attractive, creative, talented and I know in the near future, I will be making big bucks doing what I love.

Be, Do, and Have (not the other way around).

Don’t wait until your life is perfect to be or do. Life will never be “perfect”. Allow the little you have to kick start your dreams and present reality.

I decided to go to Ecuador to see my sponsored child 2 months ago. At that point, I was also broke. Starting your own business means months of 0 discretionary income. The moment I booked my one way flight, the universe aspired to provide the resources and people to help my vision. I met a girl from Ecuador who drew a map of Quito for me and explained where I should go and who to call for emergencies. Up until now, the people who have given to my trip were people who believed in me (you can give too)! I have only $2,000 to raise in 2 weeks!

The power does not LIE in the resources and the finances you ALREADY have, the power to achieve your dreams lie in your HEART to ACT. Do you ever wonder why people get to where they are? It is because they believe in themselves, believe in their vision and take the first step to go for it….and of course, THEY DIDN’T GIVE UP despite how damn impossible and desperate it seemed at times.

So do you have a dream? And what is it? Comment below!

Remember, achieving your dreams is not about striving. It is an outflow of being, that means you may have to rest and do the hard thing of WAITING. Note also the reason I say, “initial money” is that eventually you will fund your dreams by building your tribe who believe in your art, work & vision. The key is to DO what is impossible, when nothing is evident, there is no proof, there are no resources- once your mind says “I CAN” then EVERYTHING in the universe aligns itself to help and equip you.

Guilt Binds, Love Sets Free

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I don’t know about you, but I sometimes do this thing where I guilt-trip people in such a subtle way that I don’t even realize it myself. And vice versa, and don’t we just hate it!

“Oh well fine, go hang out with her instead of me”- person says.

“you treat me like the devil, you run away from me whenever you can”- says parent.

And so on. But yesterday, as I was sleeping, I had another dream…this dream showed me how GUILT BINDS, BUT LOVE SETS FREE.

As imperfect human beings, WE ALL HAVE certain EXPECTATIONS of what certain people should do for us, or be to us. Well, our parents should do this and that, they didn’t love us this or that way…our friends should ALWAYS be there for us, our boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t DO this or that…the complaints continue and as we complain, our view of that person continues to dilapidate into shreds.

Meanwhile, we become negative, we carry negative energy, we complain all the time and only see the negative aspects in our lives.

GUILT derives from a deep-gutted feeling that “wow I didn’t do what was expected of me”.  I hear this a lot “I felt bad, so I…”. Then later, we complain because we didn’t want to do something in the first place, we put the blame on the other person.

But when we live in guilt, we live in bitterness, not an unconditional, freeing love. We live in a way where we are attempting to PLEASE people, not LOVE them. If we really love someone, we would be TRUTHFUL to ourselves and to them. The truth really does set us free (said right, not in a critical demeaning way).

A SIMPLE SOLUTION, too easy to say, yet so hard to do: LET GO

Sweet surrender they call it. It means letting go of HOW, WHEN, WHAT, WHERE even WHO. It means letting go of logic and trusting God to guide you to your destiny. It means saying “I’m a daughter/son of the universe and a higher being will take care of me”.

Letting go means relaxing, enjoying life and letting go of things you couldn’t control in the first place. Though the modern world likes to shove the idea that everything attained is strived for, I like to prove otherwise.

YOU cannot force someone to do things for you, to love you, to romance or even care for you. NO ONE is responsible for taking care of you. What does that mean? Parents take care of us because they love us, not because they have to. No one is responsible for your well being except God.

Lastly, accept all things as GIFTS, not expected actions of love. 

Love, my friend, is a gift. If you let go of expectations, YOU will become more grateful, more thankful, more loving, more alive. You will complain less and count your blessings more.

When we allow people to be themselves, we allow them to give to society the gift that they are. Maybe you do see flaws in someone and want to change them for the better- trust me,  something WILL happen when the time is right, that something will wake them up to make the appropriate changes (you are not god, YOU only need to be the unconditionally loving YOU that you are). How people are should not affect your own happiness; for happiness comes from within.

Please comment! I super appreciate it! Tell me how love has set you free in your life??