The Real Me

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I have always struggled with being raw honest and playing nice. But I’ve come to a point in life where I’m tired of playing nice to please the world, for I believe everyone has a well of depth, a deep dark place of longing for truth. Pain is searing, pain is burning. Maybe you feel alone. What more is there in life? After reading a few entries of my personal blog, I decided to place one here. I feel like this entry is opportune for this generation. Everyone is reaching for truth, for love, and for the real God that loves.

From June 6, 2009 Personal Blog-

God i cant take this anymore. you know my weakness. as i cling, i slide and fall. i am broken once more. i wish i can be strong all the time, but i am not. i am but human. and you are God.

The smile i once had, carried once ago, slowly sliding off my face, turning into a cave. a down turn. i cease smiling, sorrow filling my every being.

suddenly a rush of tears come, falling, falling, i am broken, so weak. i was emotionally suppressed, the mechanism had automatically switched on

the smile, be bright, happy for everyone – yes it turns on so automatically, the sorrow churning churning. You know my desires, You know my heart. But this, can anyone fathom? This pain burns so deeply, I wish I could take it out through surgery, but it remains in my chest, in my stomach, burning my every being.  I speak boldly, yet inside i am but a little girl, scared,clutching to your hand. i wish i could really sense and feel you next to me, embracing me in the toughest times. i can not, i can only be overwhelmed by this invisible spirit, comforting me. pain is essential- why are my entries all about suffering and brokenness? God keeps breaking me. into a thousand billion pieces, will He feed many with this brokenness. i hope so. i cant stop crying.

will i sleep well enough? are those dreams real? those dreams of betrayal. i am so weak hearted, i can but kneel. and fall. and fall. i imagine myself falling into space, dark, stars everywhere, where will i fall next, im letting go of what I clung to. im falling into your hands- can you see.  can i see that you were holding out your hand, and your hand has been the whole universe? God i cant touch gravity, i cant touch the moon i stare at each night, the candle light it so i dont let go ever. light it so i dont hide it. light it so people can see this broken heart healed by the God of the Universe.  Light it so people can see how deeply in love I am with you. Light it so they can see me dancing and singing for the audience of one. Light it, so my heart can brighter. My heart, now so weak.

I am letting go. Willing to go, willing to go. Go towards the unknown. Letting go of what I held on to. In the surgery room. You took that old heart out, replacing it. each  day. replacing what was old, giving me a new heart. i was alive when the surgery was done, it hurt. tearing out those stitches. one by one by one by one- i am crying in pain, i want to die. all i can hear “it’ll be alright” trust me. it’ll be alright. you brought that angel to me once again- a reminder- i am here with you. While they care about the petty things of life, like petty cash thrown to be enjoyed fore the petty things of life. i take the big check for the big things- the plan and purpose you have gone before me to accomplish and do. to be.

It is a lonely road.  But i am willing, please continue sending people to me to encourage me. or i will die in this lonely road. holding onto your hand, but dying. slowly. renew me. refresh me. let me run with a child like spirit again, dance with abandon, sing like everyone in this world is watching- if i can be renewed in that way. God let your light shine brighter.  i cant help but in those broken times, think of who I am.

I keep hearing this “you are different, you are meant for more. You are not like any asian, you were born in germany, you are a third culture kid, you are so different child, you are unique in every way.  I made you for something so much bigger, cant you see?”  It is hard to see when my vision is blurred by this wrenching pain. my heart burns with loneliness.  can anyone understand?  i guess not, everyone has their own pain. pain. it is like skin burning off, but so much more abstract.

I pray this will save or give someone hope. Jesus shines brighter, Jesus cries with you.

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