This wanting, this longing for someone stable, someone who is constant. That’s not something I had growing up. My childhood was traumatic. Lots of yelling, throwing things. My dad came and went. He came a few times to take us out to buy toys but he was unpredictable and then when I turned 8 he just left.
My mom, brother and I left to America. I did not see my dad for the next 10 years. I felt depressed. I often felt suicidal. I felt alone. I felt unloved. My mom was often angry and I didn’t understand why. We struggled a lot financially.
I was boy crazy. I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted someone stable, but of course my first boyfriend was not my husband. But his name was James.
And so was this guy that kept coming back trying to be friends. I didn’t understand all this. Why God?
But somehow the talking, the conversation broke through my heart.
Today I cried. I cried a lot. I cried because I felt the feeling of being ignored by my dad.
“You don’t care about me, if you did you would want to be in a relationship with me”.
“I feel like I’m not good enough, that’s why”
A woman wants to feel wanted. When a dad doesn’t talk to her daughter, she feels ignored and unwanted, she feels unworthy. And so that followed me into my life, my relationships. I felt ignored and unwanted when people ghosted me. I felt the same when people flaked. People were unpredictable and they all eventually failed because they’re meant to fail.
But dating has brought up those emotions, those emotions of hate towards my dad, emotions of sadness, of grief. Dating has helped me to confront any unforgiveness towards my dad.
Something as simple as getting a call from a drunk guy has angered me because my dad has only picked up the phone 2-3 times in 2 years because he was drunk the first time.
I don’t do well when people are high or drunk and incoherent. I don’t feel safe emotionally. I want to be heard but I can’t be heard when people are out of it and yet I meet addicts all the time, they are my friends. They are fully sober, they are good friends now.
It’s been a long journey trying to heal from my past, my issues with my dad’s absence.
How about you?
Have you walked through the journey by putting yourself out there and confronting the emotions that come up for you?
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