When You Struggle To Believe

How is it possible to be praying and prophesying over someone and then moments later, you’re on your bed sobbing to God.

Well that was me a minute ago.

I went from telling someone “it’s not on you to make it happen, God hasn’t forgotten you” to asking God “I feel like you’ve abandoned me” in my journal.

This journey looks like brokenness and tears.

This is my journey. I don’t know what yours look like but as a pastor/prophet some of the hardest moments are in your bedroom.

I’m feeling sick, want to go home but I don’t know where home is, I’m fighting emotions and lies, I’m wondering where the finances will come from, I’m tired, on a never ending jet lag schedule, but yet God still tells me to pray for people.

He says “not by your strength, but by my spirit”.

I want to give up.

I really do, but something in me says “don’t”.

And so I cry and weep, and sob.

I let it all out until I’ve got nothing left.

“That’s exactly where I want you- at the end of yourself”.

It might seem cruel of God, but it’s the beginning of miracles.

But that’s me, real, raw, vulnerable. 

I’ve got nothing left. It’s just you and me Jesus.