This post is super vulnerable as I battled not being able to sleep and was having anxiety due to the TV playing next door. Slowly I felt the thoughts come to me.
I have a fear of intimacy. I’ve been told to tone it down as people have set boundaries with me before. Often my expressiveness, my too much news, my over emotions causes people to pull away from me.
I don’t know how to be a happy medium so I hold back.
I feel like I’m too much so I pent up what I’m actually feeling.
TV noises bother me. I like sleeping on schedule. I’m a control freak about getting my 8 hours, so I’m a perfectionist in some ways and I’ve tried to be perfect in friendships- always running over to be the shoulder for others to cry on and sometimes neglecting myself and my needs.
So as I’m coming out of the cave of emotional intimacy, I’m realizing that I’m petrified of telling my truth because I’ve been rejected for being too honest, I’ve been ridiculed or pushed away for being honest.
There’s a push and pull of wanting what I want and sometimes feeling like over indulging.
With food, sometimes I want sugar. I want a lot of it but then I feel guilty and bad for taking in so much of it.
I doubt my heart sometimes, I think this is too good to be true and find the smallest thing irritating.
I have so much energy and creativity in my mind I feel crazy half the time.
I’m hyper sensitive to noise. I can hear wiring in a wall, the smallest intonation, music notes that a noise makes. I know which do re mi it is.
There’s not enough paper for me to write all of my thoughts in this world.
I’m a bottle ready to explode at any time and sometimes I try to contain it.
I go back and forth, taking naps, then not being able to sleep at night.
I am enough in Christ Jesus. I am not lacking. I am not too much or not enough. I’m just the way God made me.
This is the truth, that I am ultimately enough and I can stop holding my breathe.
Sometimes I don’t know what I want and I get caught up with making the “right decisions” when in reality there is no right decision because in Christ we have the freedom to follow our hearts and trust that God gave us those desires.
There is no wrong decision when you know you are righteous in Christ Jesus.
So live in freedom. You don’t have to be perfect in any relationship.
I dare you to be honest. I dare you to tell your truth. I dare you to not hold back anymore.
Yes you’ll get hurt. I got hurt because people didn’t respond the same way I acted towards them but that is love and thats what God has called me to and yes it sucks sometimes and I have to go back to wherever I’m staying and cry because these were not going to be friends forever people, but simply people I prayed for.
I put my heart out there every single day. I pray and talk to strangers. It’s a tough life but I has taught me to live fiercely, without reserve.
It is 1:39am and I can’t sleep. The TV sounds are coming by through the walls and I’m like Lord help me. There’s nothing I can do now but it provoked these thoughts. So I guess holy spirit works in weird and strange and uncomfortable ways.
I dare you to tell your truth this year without caring what people will think. Put your heart out there and don’t hold back anymore. There’s no right or wrong, be free in relationships. Tell your truth even if others disagree with you. You don’t have to be perfect.
You don’t always have to be there for people, you don’t always have to be on, you can be weak and say so, you can be honest and be loved for who you are bd not who you pretend to be.
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Rebekka Lien 