Back To Innocence

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He sent me a photo of him and his ex. I don’t know why. I must have been out of his mind. He said that it was a reminder that we were just friends and he did not want to project his feelings for his ex towards me since I reminded him so much of his ex. I wanted to curse him to die because I was so angry. How could he send me a picture of his ex, it disgusted me.

We did get a physical but of course no intercourse. But now we are completely platonic and it feels weird. We have decided to be friends. And of course I still have feelings for him. It is truly difficult. At first I felt a slew of emotions.

Today he decided to pick me up for boba and we talked a little bit but I could feel myself emoting.

First, I wanted to hug him and I felt this need to be wanted. He said we needed to have boundaries. 

Second, I shut down and I felt numb because I knew that I couldn’t want to be with him. He didn’t want me, now I felt unwanted.

Third, I got defensive and angry and I said “I’m over you!” and I stormed off to talk to other people, strangers.

Fourth, he dropped me off and I felt depressed. 

Fifth, I called my friend and started sobbing. She said that he was being selfish and needed to walk away, but of course I had already texted for him to come back, and then a never mind.

Sixth, he came back and we talked whilst I cried. 

I said that I felt unwanted, I felt rejected. I talked about my fear of feeling my emotions because of the fear of attachment. I was afraid to feel abandoned. Now I realize it is okay to feel all of my emotions. 

I said that even if someone doesn’t reciprocate my emotions, I can allow myself to feel those emotions for that person….Now I’m freely able to love without requirements of someone reciprocating. 

Isn’t it every girl’s dream for a guy to treat her like a princess without requiring her to have sex with him. Sure, I’m not saying I don’t want to have sex, it’s a natural urge, but it’s back to innocence.

I suppose I miss just hanging out with a guy friend at school and having innocent banter and jokes in high school. There’s an innocence there and I long for it.

I talk about waiting until marriage to have sex.

Very openly. I tell every uber driver this. Not because I am bragging but because I want to explain what my beliefs are. I’m not waiting out of guilt, I wait out of desire because I know God has the best in store for me. 

Give to this ministry- Thank you! God bless! 

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