I felt like it was my fault that my family fell apart. I felt like I could have tried harder to make my mother happy or to preach grace more to my dad, there could have been more I could have done.
But the truth is no, there is nothing I could have done.
My parents’ divorce had nothing to do with me but I started becoming a people pleaser, trying to fix everyones’ problems.
God spent many years helping me overcome this guilt.
Even today God told me to go out to eat and I walked into another chicken place. There were two boys fighting. The dad yelled at the older brother and the mother said “it’s not his fault, it’s not his fault”. His dad was angry.
The younger brother sat there and cried but was “guilt tripped” into leaving as the whole family was leaving the restaurant and he was still there crying.
I started to feel languid, tired. Then another boy came in and he was 3 years old. He said to the waiter “I’m a grown man” and proceeded to get water on his own. That was me as a kid. The waiter tried to help him but he loudly insisted “I can do it on my own”.
I walked down the street to wait for the bus but twenty minutes, the bus was late….
I got tired but had nowhere to sit as the bench was wet from the rain.
I talked to the bus driver, his name was John. I took another bus home and immediately fell asleep. Before that I was calling my mom, not sure if I wanted to watch a movie with her as I had said I would let her know if I wanted to watch Frozen with her.
I went back and forth in my decision. I realize I felt guilty for “letting her down”. She picked up the phone, sounding like she was waiting for me. I felt even more guilty. She said “if you don’t want to watch the movie, it’s okay” but she sounded annoyed.
Here’s why I felt guilty….a few days ago, I said I went to watch a movie alone and my mother got angry, she said I promised to watch a movie with her. I said, “I didn’t promise, we didn’t make plans, I just said okay, and we didn’t agree on time or date”.
“So there was a movie I wanted to watch one day but I did not want to watch it with you mom. Sorry to say, but I wanted to watch the movie alone. God used that movie to speak to and heal my heart”. But there were even more movies I watch alone, because I realize I like watching movies alone.
Later again she mentioned, “you’re just like your aunt, you’re so selfish, sneaking off to watch a movie by yourself”.
I know it sounds strange to some….why would I enjoy watching movies alone?
Because NO ONE can distract me or talk to me when I’m focusing on the movie. I hate it when people talk during a movie.
So back to today………..I was standing outside in the cold wet rain,
I suddenly felt this pressure on my neck and heard God say “false responsibility”.
When I got home I said I wanted to take a nap, I said I did not want to watch Frozen.
She got angry and stormed out.
I suddenly burst out crying.
First I remembered the little boy in the restaurant and realized that I really wanted a kid, and it reminded me of the boy I had a dream about. God had long spoken to me about my future son (and daughter) and I have seen this boy in a dream. It has been an aching in my heart to meet my kids who already exist in the spirit.
Then I realize the scene with the two boys fighting triggered something I had been feeling in my heart. I suddenly saw a vision of myself saying “it’s all my fault”.
It’s my fault that my parents are unhappy and it’s my fault my brother ran away.
I could have done more.
But those are lies. I could not have done more. It is not my fault that my family is what it is today.
I’ve met women who tell me “I feel like I can do more to save this marriage right?” and I tell them “no, you’ve done enough”.
It’s that nagging guilt that you haven’t done enough.
But the truth is – you ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for other peoples’ feelings or pain!
If your parents used to get mad at you, you’re not responsible for their emotions, or for fixing them.
I felt my heart release as I cried. I realize “no it’s not my fault and there is nothing I can do to make people happy, it is God’s job to do that. It is not my job to fix someone, it is not my job to even explain grace to them, to cause them to believe that God can heal their hearts. I’ve done enough”.
I’ve done enough.
I am enough.
I will not be guilt tripped into doing things.
Sometimes we hold these deep seated lies and we don’t understand why we act the way we do, I pray God will open your heart up.
You may be saying to yourself….
- It’s my fault I am where I am today.
- It’s my fault that my parents/friends/spouse/coworkers are unhappy
but the truth is God’s grace says
- It is God’s job to get you to where you need to be.
- It is not your fault that anyone is unhappy. You are not responsible for anyone’s emotions.