“There’s a scared place in our hearts only God can fill. When we come into divine romance with God, we realize nothing and no one else can fill that space.”
Two nights ago I had a dream that I was in Taiwan on a chinese tour and I was flying from Taipei to LA but I wanted to stay longer so I can see a friend. After that I started to ask God if I was supposed to go to Taiwan and last night I kept hearing go. But then I also heard familiar spirit so I prayed to cast out any voices that may not be God.
I started feeling anxious as I tried to figure it out. I went into a clay sauna at the korean spa and lay down, suddenly I saw a vision of myself running away from love, wanting to hide. This was not about a place, but the place in my heart.
“It’s too much”. Sometimes it’s easier to be rejected, abused than to allow love in. Why?
I’m not sure, maybe some people are scared of disappointing people or scared of that love, that maybe it’s too painful to feel love. How is it possible? Maybe because if you haven’t felt that in your life, it overwhelms you and you start thinking “why now?”
I told my friend that sometimes we’d rather be with people who abuse us than to get close to the people who will actually tell us the truth or we can be ourselves around.
I love you
I don’t want a sacrifice, I want your heart
I want your heart
The one you keep trying to protect
The one you keep hard, gate closed, locked and bolted
The years of silence built up, each minute, each month, each year of silence that he/she didn’t speak to you – another layer of callus, harder your heart became, like solid concrete
No, you said.
“God, You’re just like my dad” you thought
And then they came, more people who were just like your dad, people with hard hearts like yours, people unable to give love
People you had to chase and pursue, people you kept knocking at their doors, people who abused you, people who neglected and abandoned you, people who didn’t know how to love themselves or love others
But I trusted you God
But people are broken and imperfect
They are not me
Will you trust me again? Me your father?
Not your biological dad but Papa the heavenly one
I saw you holding me up as a baby and you were so proud of me
You carried me on your back and ran and I didn’t have to do anything
I could just rest
I lost sight of our relationship while trying to do things for you, trying to help others, trying.
Suddenly I got confused and I lost myself in serving. That voice telling me to go, it was no longer yours but a voice of obligation.
I didn’t want to anymore, I was drained. I was beat up and bruised by peoples’ words. I tried to feed those who didn’t want to be fed. They turned and trampled the pearls of wisdom, tearing me to shreds.
Their words hurt.
So I shut my heart down because then I wouldn’t have to feel.
And my dad disconnected again.
So then again layers of self protection. I went about my days busy to avoid the emotions. Where am I going and what am I doing God.
Anything but feeling.
But finally I lay on my back staring at the ceiling.
Okay I’ll cry.
I forgot that all I need is you.
I don’t need to go anywhere or do anything. I don’t need to dream or fulfill my dreams. I don’t need to fly or drive. I don’t need another divine appointment.
I just need you. Your words and your presence. I don’t need to do anything, I don’t need to achieve anything.
I’m enough. You’re enough for me.
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Thank you for your contribution. May the Lord bless you abundantly! My vision is to see people be who they truly are, with no shame or guilt, knowing that they are enough in God’s eyes.
PS- Shout out to G. for your donation. May God bless you. This is a testimony, I was actually lying on the floor being transparent with God, crying my eyes out when I received a contribution. I haven’t received a contribution from someone on my blog for a long time so (assuming you are a reader) I was surprised. But it was like God showing me I am your father, and He used a male to show me that image of grace. Thank you.