Letting Go Of Control

I’ve been stressed out over finances not transferring and thinking how it will work out.

God asked me “what’s your worse fear?”

I thought about it -“not being in control?”

So basically I live out my worse fear everyday. I’m never in control. I never really know where I’m going each day and sometimes where I’m staying. I don’t know how God will provide at times and I don’t know how it’s possible that I’ve survived.

Sometimes I walk around with my suitcase on a hot days or cold days, days in Samoa, in china, I’m never in control. Ever. I allow God to lead me to where I need to go. And I’m flexible and free, I’m not hindered by needing to control anything. I really flow with His spirit and I trust Him.

But sometimes I have more anxiety because something I think I can control, it doesn’t work according to my mind – something that is supposed to have set times and dates but it doesn’t go according to it, I freak out. If it takes 3-5 days for an echeck to clear it should take a max of 5 days right?

So I’m checking every ten minutes, did it go through? I’m overdrafting and how am I still able to use it when I’m overdrafted by $500??? God how did you make that happen?

Okay God I let go of control. I get it.

Some of you are pondering what sandwich or lunch you want to eat and that is your biggest change in life, but for me everyday is a big change.

I’m excited over the idea of staying in my own condo studio for a consecutive 2 days. These comforts and seeming consistency gives me great delight – but I realize I’m putting my hope and desire in consistency versus the consistent God.

I know you might think it’s normal, but oh how much we put our trust in consistency.

Few of us want real change.

We freak out over small changes.

We freak out because bachelor is not on. We freak out because the mail we were suppose to get today didn’t arrive today.

We freak out because our clothes shrunk in the dryer.

We freak out because we can’t control other people in our lives.

Oh how we love control.

You have no idea how much you love and trust in human consistency.

You don’t realize it until you’ve been on the road like me for a year and you realize – omg I’ve been trusting in human stability all along.

Until you’re shaken out of your comfort zone…to stay in a 10 bed dorm or in a hostel where music is playing until 2am in the morning. Until you arrive in a country with $20 in your pocket and no phone to book your accommodation…until you’ve really learned to let go and literally trust God with the smallest things.

Oh how humans love comfort.

And this is where I am. I realize I’ve been too comfortable lately and this is God shaking away my comfort zone again.

You’re relying too much on what you can do, it’s time for another shake down!

We can get so comfortable being alone, we can get comfortable in our houses with our “stable” paychecks, we can get comfortable always having the same people around but when God shakes everything- He is asking you for complete trust in Him, not the things around you.

Okay God I’m not in control- you are.

Hahaha I get it God.

What have you been relying on when God actually wants you to rely on Him???

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A look at how I try to control the small things – there are holes on the top that the curtains don’t cover so I’ve put towels there to cover the light.

Affirmation – “I am not in control!! God you are!!!”

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