one of the dishes we ate today. Includes potatoe, veggies, and other spices.

I dont know why my face looks big in this pic, maybe so I can look like the picture in the back.

Or the food. But don’t worry, I’ve been biking and walking a lot, so shouldn’t be getting fatso.

On another note, being in a long distance relationship really makes “perfect love casts out all fear” seem well clear. In a way, it’s all a leap of faith, trusting Father to do the work. Communication is key, long distance has made me literally find ALL the ways I can communicate. Skype, gchat, Gmail SMS, Yahoo chat/SMS, phone cards, phone SIM cards, texting to email, etc.

June 30,2010

I took an hour to explore the campus of Tsinghua on my bike. Several things I noticed while on the road were that Beijing people are very peaceful; despite the honking of horns, loud shouting, and mean-spirited bargaining, Beijing people are very peaceful. This is what I gained from my time observing the people.

I picked up a green tea red bean ice cream and started eating away. The building I was outside of was dilapidated and old. Crumbs and dilapidation were falling off from the walls. Clothes were hanging outside, drying. I heard violin sounds from inside one of the rooms, it was played with ferocious tenacity. I proposed in my mind that this person, a male or female could one day be famous. The skills were undeniable.

I haven’t yet built any relationships with a Beijing student, but I look forward to meeting them. Personally, I have one Beijing friend in Los Angeles. The way she is, hard-working, fast, and smart, is the way of Beijing folks are too. It’s interesting how I observed that.

I have yet to answer the why’s, but at this moment I just want to reflect on my time spent here so far.

One thing I noticed, as I spend every single waking hour with teammates from America is how loud we are. Also, as I spend time talking with my teammates, I long for solitude. I suspect maybe solitude and alone time is not in our American vocabulary, but throughout my years growing up, I have longed for and spent many hours in solitude, journaling and reflecting on my thoughts.

I find myself, in every break, walking away to nature and finding relief in G’s presence. Not that the crowds and people aren’t part of G’s creation, but it seems better to find peace in hearing G through nature and, well solitude.

I look forward to finding the stillness in my soul through reflection.

My bowel system has finally regulated itself, and thank God, no intense sickness.

Yesterday, we went on the streets to get a phone and sim card- the first store I went to said its 380 renminbi for phone/sim, then we hit another store, and I got a 100 dollar off. I even got him to take a few renminbi off. Then I got a fake LeSportsac for like 40, but I know I could’ve gotten it down to probably 20 or 30.

My back has been hurting a bit though from walking so much, so that when I sit, it’s like whabam on my back. Those cello days have not been nice to me. Sob!

Sitting at this weird little metal booth, I think one of the ledges is going to fall off. I should have printed out a sheet of my teammates numbers, but I didn’t. My back hurts like a mother and I’ve only had less than 4 hours of sleep. I really want fried chicken and fries. Oh, that would be so delicious, but instead I have a bag of bread- which is good too, but you know, not as good. Since I want fried foods.

When my mom was waving me off, I knew she was really sad. I got really sad too, I felt like crying but tried to hold it in because well, there’s everyone around. It would  be kind of embarrassing. So I walk in the bathroom and start sobbing in the stalls. It was a good cry indeed.

I forgot to bring a hair tie so I got one of those luggage tags, tore off the paper and used the elastic to tie my hair. Ingenious eh?

Anyways, I’m not sure what I’m going to encounter this summer. But indeed it’s one of those moments in life where, IT ONLY HAPPENS ONCE.

I just graduated from college, Lord, I thought the day would never come. But it came and hit me in the head. This is definitely one of those epic summers I’ll never forget

Anyways- So I arrive and meet all my teammates. I’m sitting at the dorm rooms, and I’m pretty blessed with a clean bed, a tv, and even, after paying 90 renminbi, ONE MONTH INTERNET. I got really psyched knowing that I’m hooked onto the comp and wired in every way (ipod, mac, camera, iflip, everything). More updates to come. Today we ate 8 dishes of food since it was our first day, no diarrhea, thank GOD!.

I finally graduated from college! I can’t believe it! All along a bunch of my friends thought I had already graduated, but alas, this was the real deal. I am in the process of packing for my trip to China/Taiwan. I came home and found that my mom had bought me an all-in-one adaptor plug, BUT I HAD just bought one. -.0 fail. Anyways, these 4 days are going to be a lot of eating. Today I ate for 2 hours at Souplantation, then got this salty yogurt drink at Wahib’s, a middle eastern foodie located in Alhambra. I felt like I was drinking salty watered down Ranch (salad dressing).

My friends and I had very incoherent conversations about food and the rest, I can’t seem to remember.

Another thing I’m doing before leaving is cleaning my room. I want to make sure I don’t have any random fruits in my purses, that will probably stink up the place if left in my room. I’ll come back to mold and bugs, that won’t be fun at all.

Grad indian party (my friend’s cousin graduated from med school)

Below are some nature shots…

Pretty flowers I found on the side of the street. Serves as inspiration.

We All feel, But We Don’t Say It

What is love, but an empty vessel that keeps pouring?

Remember those times we used to talk, like mother and daughter

Your eyes so empty

So empty was my heart, devoid of fatherly love

Revenge is a sinful sword filled and dipped with blood

What is love, but an empty vessel that keeps pouring?

Remember those times we talked, like cousin and cousin

You eyes filled with tears

You talked about your father that walked away, like my own

What are fathers, how do we interpret “father that gives good gifts” when there was none

No father, not even a word, just absence

What is love, but pain and hidden betrayal?

Secrets,

Love, avoidance, pain

Suffering, hurt, hurt, and again hurt.

Are we worth anything?

That you can so simply leave those that you love so much

Are we worthy of your stay?

You run away, escape your responsibility, drunken and staggering, breathing and smelling like beer

You run away, staggering, your body limp on the ground, your heart

I’ve stomped over and over in my mind

Wishing you would be run over by a truck

I hated you, hated your absence

Hated you to the point I became numb

Numb of all care, love, grace, forgiveness from everyone and myself

Myself, I neglected too

Because I didn’t know I should be cared for

I guess I didn’t think I was worthy of love

She said that when I was in my mother’s womb, fights occurred, maybe pots broke

I wonder what anxiety I went through, what fear I encountered

Still unborn

Just developing

What kind of environment did I grow up in?

Even in my mother’s womb.

Self-pity

I reject it.

Humanity is so broken, I can’t even describe it.

It’s like a broken vase that needs mending

The scraps, the pieces are shitty- that’s all I gotta say.

This comes from the inner most being, from a depth that I cannot interpret.

My soul is broken

And He gave me life

Restored all that was broken

He continues to mend, like a Fatherly God would.

Maybe that’s why I can trust in Him- because even though he is physically absent, He is with me.

That’s why I can grasp this invisible God a little more than others can.

Because my own father left and I cannot sense his presence at all, he never helps me when I’m sad.

But God does.

Even though I don’t get this whole father shit

I get the being there shit

And God has been there.

Healing the shit in my heart.

That people keep stomping over and ignoring.

Just another human broken,

Needing mending.

Jeremiah 1:4-5
The word of the LORD came to me, saying, Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart