A recap of summer 09 because I am going through designer’s mental creative block or what I call creative anxiety (aka you’re unable to start your design project because you’re afraid once you start, it’ll be bad). Anyone agree?

I went to Germany, Munich, Paris, and went to Homeless land for awhile too. I was lounging around for a month more in LA, now I am so ready to get on with life again. Which means less time for reading, I devoured so many books this summer!

Offenburg: What I came to do! Meet the most amazing team of artists. I can still remember vividly all our tea times, painting the mural, as well as soul talking. I love them to death!

Offenburg: Painting away.

Munich: Posters in an art museum. Outside was windy, rainy, and just a perfect day for museum lounging.

Munich: Did I ever mention how much of a cafe freak addict I am? Traveling alone means journaling a good amount about the weird bald guy staring at you, introspective discoveries, as well as how everything costs 1.5 more in Europe. What? My coffee is half the amount, but then you realize, who needs to drink that much coffee anyway? No wonder Americans have no self control.

Salzburg: I made a last minute decision to go to this BEAUTIFUL city, where Mozart was born. Well, my mom did go to Germany to major in piano. My hostel mates told me to go, so instead of going to the overpriced castle near Munich, I went to this freaken god- inspired hunk of a city.

Paris: Mussels in Paris. The only fine meal I had for the whole 3.5 weeks. I ate bread, cheese, and meat, oh did I mention bread? I ate so much bread, I think I dreamt of bread sucking me in and me disappearing forever. Did you notice my thin arms? Yes, starving artist traveling.

Paris: Le Louvre (taken by Andy) One thing I regret about Paris, I did not get to go to the big Fashion Museums. FAIL! Everytime I tried to go, it was either close for break or just closed. For some reason, museums aren’t open on Mondays. I did get to see a small exhibition of Yves Saint Laurent. Maybe one day I will partake of a big fashion event in Paris…that would be amazing. Breathtaking….sigh. Too bad my french had disintegrated into moral fail.

Going Home: Good thing I met with a friend in Paris! I would not have been able to see Paris at night as a girl walking around alone. And also because I lost all my picture files on my camera….to which I responded with exasperation, anxiety, and a heart attack. Good thing he had taken some!

Back in LA: Crystal Cove Beach. I had heard from my European friends that they have no access to the beach…unless they drive for hours. I kept thinking, “I live 30 minutes from the beach, but I don’t go that much”. Then when I came back, I think I went 5 times. The cupcakes are from this cute little cupcake store at Seal Beach.

July 2009: Whiteriver, AZ. Catching crawdads in the river. I seriously was stooping for 2 hours trying to catch crawdads with my very own hands. I’m not even kidding, those things swim fast. They’re like shooting rockets in the water. However, I caught 2! It was one of those victories you’ll remember for your whole life, and tell your grandkids too.

Cooking a caught crawdad: 1. Notice healthy and swimming. 2. By the third day, it started floating to the surface, so I decided to cook it. 3. Turns red immediately. 4. Ew. The grossest thing happened- green liquid sputtered out in mass amounts.

As a result, after one hour of loading pictures onto this blog… I am about to sleep! FIDM starts pretty soon and I’m awaiting what new freelance work may come about. But more than that, I am looking forward to what God may have for me overseas next year. Moving is a big step of faith, but required for those that are adventurous and risk taking!

Hi Everyone- today I just ran 3 miles with my buddies. Every time I exert myself physically, I feel this INTENSE joy. As I sweat, I feel alive. I’m not scared of sweat, dirt, and gore. I’m all about feeling alive. Even when that means getting a little dirty in the process. BUT that leads me to introduce another event I’m excited about- I just got it in my email.

JUICE Hip Hop Festival!

When: October 3, 2009 Saturday 8 pm

Where: Ford Amphitheater in LA

Website: http://www.fordtheatres.org/en/events/091003_2000.asp

I found out about it when I was applying for summer internships, of course I ended up going to Germany, BUT I thought this would be something I WOULD TOTALLY support 100%. Keeping kids off the street by introducing them to hip hop dance! I love that! I love dancing myself, especially when I’m on stage! I love to show off and love the applause. Giving the arts and dance to people is like introducing them to another world of purpose and joy.

I am reading a book called The Rape of Nanking by Iris Chang. As uncomfortable as history makes us, we must learn from it. We must learn about the evil potentials of mankind. Consider now the sad and tragic epidemic of human trafficking. We have made money so much of a god, people would inhumanely mistreat a human being for personal gain. This is so unjust, it wrenches my heart and makes me want to vomit. The condition of mankind is corrupt, ugly, horrid, in every way imaginable. Yet, some of us are so lucky to be born where we were, to have certain conditions that allowed us to grow up with education, family, and life. Most of all freedom.

Yet, some of us still don’t believe in the existence of Satan, of a Devil. Yet, some of us still blame God. How unfortunate that we do not see human beings are the ones making conscious decisions to rebel, to abuse others for their own personal gain.

And somehow I have suddenly woken from a horrid dream- that all my life, I lived for my own personal gain. Now, I must go out to help. I must be God’s hands and feet, I must, or I will die in horrid depression of what the world is turning into. I must live for God, for others. I must deliver captives, I must. There can not be a ‘but’ because we all know, it is plain wrong.

Several Blogs/ Websites:

• http://www.stoptraffickfashion.com
• http://www.freeforlifeministries.com/
• http://humantrafficking.change.org/
• http://www.sharedhope.org/
• http://www.humantrafficking.org

One Video:

Take Action: Pray: Do: Live for A Cause and not so that your company can look good marketing that “you’re do gooder”. I don’t believe you.

I have just joined the FNF team to be a wardrobe stylist. I am really excited for how the show will turn out as well the awareness it will raise for social justice. Please come out and let me know if you want to get involved- or just visit freedomandfashion.com for more information. Thanks!

I have this fascination with Kewpie dolls. And when I’m bored, which is quite rare, I make it a hobby of making clothes for this doll or taking artsy pictures with it. It’s been 2 years since I was introduced to this doll. Okay. Should sleep. Bye Now!

I have always struggled with being raw honest and playing nice. But I’ve come to a point in life where I’m tired of playing nice to please the world, for I believe everyone has a well of depth, a deep dark place of longing for truth. Pain is searing, pain is burning. Maybe you feel alone. What more is there in life? After reading a few entries of my personal blog, I decided to place one here. I feel like this entry is opportune for this generation. Everyone is reaching for truth, for love, and for the real God that loves.

From June 6, 2009 Personal Blog-

God i cant take this anymore. you know my weakness. as i cling, i slide and fall. i am broken once more. i wish i can be strong all the time, but i am not. i am but human. and you are God.

The smile i once had, carried once ago, slowly sliding off my face, turning into a cave. a down turn. i cease smiling, sorrow filling my every being.

suddenly a rush of tears come, falling, falling, i am broken, so weak. i was emotionally suppressed, the mechanism had automatically switched on

the smile, be bright, happy for everyone – yes it turns on so automatically, the sorrow churning churning. You know my desires, You know my heart. But this, can anyone fathom? This pain burns so deeply, I wish I could take it out through surgery, but it remains in my chest, in my stomach, burning my every being.  I speak boldly, yet inside i am but a little girl, scared,clutching to your hand. i wish i could really sense and feel you next to me, embracing me in the toughest times. i can not, i can only be overwhelmed by this invisible spirit, comforting me. pain is essential- why are my entries all about suffering and brokenness? God keeps breaking me. into a thousand billion pieces, will He feed many with this brokenness. i hope so. i cant stop crying.

will i sleep well enough? are those dreams real? those dreams of betrayal. i am so weak hearted, i can but kneel. and fall. and fall. i imagine myself falling into space, dark, stars everywhere, where will i fall next, im letting go of what I clung to. im falling into your hands- can you see.  can i see that you were holding out your hand, and your hand has been the whole universe? God i cant touch gravity, i cant touch the moon i stare at each night, the candle light it so i dont let go ever. light it so i dont hide it. light it so people can see this broken heart healed by the God of the Universe.  Light it so people can see how deeply in love I am with you. Light it so they can see me dancing and singing for the audience of one. Light it, so my heart can brighter. My heart, now so weak.

I am letting go. Willing to go, willing to go. Go towards the unknown. Letting go of what I held on to. In the surgery room. You took that old heart out, replacing it. each  day. replacing what was old, giving me a new heart. i was alive when the surgery was done, it hurt. tearing out those stitches. one by one by one by one- i am crying in pain, i want to die. all i can hear “it’ll be alright” trust me. it’ll be alright. you brought that angel to me once again- a reminder- i am here with you. While they care about the petty things of life, like petty cash thrown to be enjoyed fore the petty things of life. i take the big check for the big things- the plan and purpose you have gone before me to accomplish and do. to be.

It is a lonely road.  But i am willing, please continue sending people to me to encourage me. or i will die in this lonely road. holding onto your hand, but dying. slowly. renew me. refresh me. let me run with a child like spirit again, dance with abandon, sing like everyone in this world is watching- if i can be renewed in that way. God let your light shine brighter.  i cant help but in those broken times, think of who I am.

I keep hearing this “you are different, you are meant for more. You are not like any asian, you were born in germany, you are a third culture kid, you are so different child, you are unique in every way.  I made you for something so much bigger, cant you see?”  It is hard to see when my vision is blurred by this wrenching pain. my heart burns with loneliness.  can anyone understand?  i guess not, everyone has their own pain. pain. it is like skin burning off, but so much more abstract.

I pray this will save or give someone hope. Jesus shines brighter, Jesus cries with you.