Once upon a time, a girl grew up raising herself.

Her mom was out working, she alone, hugging a bear.

She was very lonely, but she named her white polar bear- “mommy”.

She would hug her bear and say “mommy”.  As lonely as she was,

she fought for herself, she grew to be independent, she depended on herself.  But she was still lonely.  Her creator saw that she was lonely so He gave her a new heart- she finally found true love.  Even at times, she is reminded of how lonely she used to be- playing under a table, running out to grocery stores, listening to the cat meow outside her room.  She squished a bee, dead, buried it too.  But that was the past.

He gave her a gift, she held on tight, remembering the bear.  Maybe that’s why gifts mean so much to her- a reminder of the only thing that kept her sane in dark loneliness. A symbol of love.  But now she is sane, she is loved.  Now she is ready to lay down her own life so others can find true love.  She wants to share this love.  Holding on, holding on, a reminder, a reminder.  It’s okay mommy, stroking the bear, she wants to cry with mommy because mommy feels the same pain.  Remember your creator, remember Love.

The girl was actually me.  A true story so real, the pain a deep root within, it hurts to speak, so she sewed her heart shut.  Tears were unavoidable, but she cried in her closet, her eyes grew big from crying.  She didn’t understand why she saw judgemental glances, all she could do was pray.  People say Jesus is fake, is a laughable religious figure.  You must be blind, because in my closet crying, I met Jesus- the only one that comforted me when all mocked me.  Me and my unique self.  Now I am whole, now I am loved, I go after the one who went before me.  I go- I am going.

3 years ago, coming back from Taiwan.  The skies are not my limits, the heavens are.

I am so tired, I want to cry.  These are the inner cryings of those that look strong.   Lord help me.  I am so weary even sleep deprives me.  I wake up early and just call out.  A silent call.  God refresh me.  Sometimes I doubt where I’m heading.  There’s many passions boiling within me, I am planning to move.  I don’t know if I’m escaping, but I’m antsy, so antsy.  In five years, I might be in grad school or working or vice versa.  I might be overseas in Taiwan, I might be translating for a company, I might be writing for magazines,  I might be a fashion consultant, I might be musician in an underground network of musicians.  I might be living off of freelance money.  In 20 years, I can see myself in another country, I am 41, I have a business, I am mother, I am in a band, I speak  3 languages, one that took me 2 years to learn, hopefully.  I might have 3 kids, they are trilingual and they have many many opportunities to attend concerts, art shows, and I’ll take them graffiting.  Of course, I’ll have a husband too.  He is very supportive, understands my work, but is more logical.  I don’t think I’m called to be single- Tim Lewis said so.

I am in Japan, I am in Taiwan, I am in Asia, in Europe, I am networking with fellow artists, I am encouraging them and empowering them with the hope in me.  But I can see that one part of my life, I can be in Thailand, Vietnam, & India helping to build micro- businesses.  I will be a god- mother- like figure for tons of at- risk youth, I will cry and laugh with them.  Those are some of my dreams.  There will be many times of pain and suffering because love is risky, especially loving those that don’t know they desire to be loved.  But it’s all worth it.  Doors will open, doors to places and opportunities I never thought existed.  I can already sense it- I am not a prophet, but I know and have seen.

I don’t know why I started crying when I wrote about the god- mother- like figure.  Maybe that’s why I’ve been so moody lately, too much boiling within.  I rarely get the chance to voice them, sometimes I just wish people would ask me simple questions like “How’s work?  How’s school?  Do you like your classes?  What new music have you been listening to?” because I can answer them, I want to, I want to talk….I’m so sick of listening.  What about me God?

I am heavily influenced by classical, jazz, bossa nova, hip hop, R&B as well anything in between. Mix it up and you got…how I improv on the piano and cello or even sing. A lot of times people will ask me to teach them how to improv, I have never learned formal music theory. My mom is a piano teacher, but after awhile I was pretty much on my own.

I played Chopin, Debussy, all those classical composers.  As I was growing up though, I listened to a lot of Japanese music including the likes of Utada Hikaru.  Moving several times exposed me to hip hop, rock, and at one point heavy metal.  Yes, I know.  I tried to listen to heavy metal and even liked it at one point.  Mix in my love for art- especially abstract and modern and you got an experimental vibe.

I think if I could, if chances allowed me to, given the right people…I would so want to get buckets of paint, strings, drums, singers, dancers and compose something great on a huge huge field of flower bed.  I can imagine the world shaking as we create, I think at that point my life would be fulfilled.

And I can enter eternity.

Some videos to give you an idea of the influence of music and art in my life and how it has transformed my artistic style.

More to come!